Thread by @drkathrynmannix

How should we help teenagers to understand and accompany a dying relative?
Here are some ideas and suggestions: I know the experts on Twitter will come in to support @healinghappily in her quest to be as ready as she can be.

A thread.

https://twitter.com/healinghappily/status/1385154019312734214

First: there's no 'right answer.' Your teens are individuals, and what suits one may not sit well for another.
Good support is a mixture of access to good information, lots of listening, & giving them choices.

Support includes helping them establish their own support network & self-care choices. Your own Mum is dying: you may not always feel able to be their sole support.

1. What can they do to keep themselves well? Hobbies, exercise, confidantes, good food: discuss & plan with them.

2. Who can they talk to, in addition to you? Ask each teen to make suggestions. It may be another relative, the parent of a friend, a teacher. Someone you can brief. Choose together, & invite the person/people.
It must be someone you know & trust: this is a time of vulnerability.

3. With their knowledge, inform their school. This will help school staff to interpret any changes in their behaviour or performance with compassion, & to let you know of any concerns.

You are building their 'Village' together, giving them support and agency.

Help them to know what's going on, & what changes are likely as the sick person's illness progresses. This will help to avoid their imaginations filling in the gaps.
Talk about the process of dying with them.
Answer their questions. 'I don't know, let's find out' is an answer.

Give them choices. How much time to spend with the dying person. How much information they want. Each may be different: that's OK.

Check regularly what they understand is happening; how they are feeling; how they think all/each of you are coping.

Problem-solve with them.

Help them to minimise any regrets after their dying person has died, by saying the things they want to say now. The important messages are usually
I love you
Thank you
...and sometimes
I'm sorry, or even
I forgive you (if they can: never force forgiveness).

They will be able to think of creative ways to give their important messages: they may like to chat with their dying person and include their important messages.
They may prefer cards, songs, pictures, making beverages, helping with care.
Choice is your watchword.

Let the dying person help you: they have their own relationship with these teens. Would they like to exchange any messages? Would they like to give gifts?
Handing over treasures (not in value, but in meaning) in person can be a beautiful experience for giver & recipients.

As the person reaches the end of their life, ensure the teens understand what they may see and hear: drowsiness, occasional muddledness, deep unconsciousness, breathing noises that are unusual & can sound like struggle.
Explain the process as it evolves.

You will have your own journey over this time, too. Let them know how you are. Model 'it's OK not to be OK' for them. Show them how to feel their feelings rather than bottle them up.
Show them that we can weep & still be strong.
Show them that asking for help is a strength.

Continue to give them choices: to sit in the room, to only pop in, not to go in at all.
To miss school if they need to, whether for their own wellbeing or to be alongside their dying person.
They can be alongside in love, even if not at the bedside.
Choices.

This is one of our sacred tasks in parenting: teaching the Facts of Death. Your Mum is helping you to teach your teens. You could even ask her advice.
By giving them info at a rate they want it, checking their understanding regularly, modelling love & self-care, you teach them.

During the dying, give them choices: presence or absence; how to honour the dying person - music, perfumes, pets, touching and holding, massaging hands & feet, combing hair, speaking words of love, prayers if that is your tradition, in the room or not.

After the death, more choices: to be in the room or not; grooming hair, nails, makeup; prayers or rituals; music, aromas, cuddles and farewells.
Letters for the coffin.
Music for the funeral.
Whom to tell, and when.
Choices.

Wishing you all well as you walk this last part of living with your Mum, @healinghappily.
By preparing your teens & then pointing out as the things you prepared for arise, your will midwife their understanding of dying.
May your Mum be comfortable and peaceful to her last breath.

My school nurse daughter reminds me to mention #MemoryBoxes: teens can assemble, with you, with their dying person, on their own.
Photos, letters/cards, mementos, gifts, souvenirs, perfume, written reminiscences. They are so creative: they will think of other things, too.

Bear in mind that throughout, they will be accessing info from their friends/websites/social media, some of it good & some less helpful.
Ask them to discuss what they find, use what's good, discuss what's less good and why.

Point them at good resources, including @winstonswish @cbukhelp @lemondropbooks @PookyH @TheKidDecoder @mariecurieuk @DyingMatters
Keep listening.
Good luck 🧡