Things that have surprised me about being an adult:

Any kind of accomplishment worth doing, if done honestly and not as an attempt at surface-level acceptance, is roughly 10x harder than it looks from the outside, at minimum.
Doing things honestly and not as an attempt at surface-level acceptance is a) literally the only way worth doing anything and b) terrifying
People rarely think they’re doing things in an attempt to get surface-level acceptance. So if one person is and one person is doing it honestly, you literally aren’t speaking the same language. It’s very difficult to communicate across this barrier.
It’s possibly to be honest with yourself in one area and bullshitting yourself in another, but it gets uncomfortable very quickly.
I (and I imagine everyone else) is just drenched in hypocrisy and fundamental attribution errors. I’m not sure this ever goes away.

I judge friends and lovers for being sloppy, volatile, insular, literally the same ways I still am even when I’m trying my hardest.
Stressors are multiplicative and it’s unnecessary to work out which one is the real ‘reason’ to make some progress on the problem.

‘Am I anxious because I have PMS or I’m thirsty or my brother’s having a hard time or my friends hate me or—‘


(Drink some water)

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More from @utotranslucence

1 Feb
There’s something in this that connects why people stop feeling passion in committed relationships to why people stop loving their passions when they turn them into jobs.
In Passionate Marriage Schnarch says that in order to keep a marriage alive your differentiation needs to keep pace with how important your partner is to you.

Feels like I could ctrl-f-replace relationship with career here and it would 100% explain my problems with work.
Something like—to stay yourself when in intimate connection with something (work) you have to be able to hold onto yourself and self-soothe as the stakes get higher.

Otherwise you shut down and shut off precisely when things get more important to you.
Read 4 tweets
23 Jan
A good apology is one where you’ve paid attention to how what you did affected someone else, and you have reflected on it, and realised that you could only have acted that way, then, because of the ways you were limited at the time.
And that now you see clearly that there are different ways you could act, because of the person you can be now. You can imagine being in that situation now and responding in a different way, that takes their feelings and experience into account.
Asshole apology: I could have acted differently at the time, but I didn’t because it wasn’t important to me (I.e. you don’t matter to me)
Read 7 tweets
19 Jan
I somehow ended up explaining somatic trauma healing in a DM on Hinge (ladies...) and I think I ended up with something surprisingly succinct.

An ELI5 of somatic experiencing:
So, when an animal is in a scary situation, it has a protective response.

Fight, flight, all that...
And sometimes, if the situation is too overwhelming or they get trapped somehow, they shut down into a freeze response, almost as if they're going to die.
Read 10 tweets
3 Jan
I've been doing the kinds of reflections you do at the changing of a year, and there's one thing in particular I would like for 2021. I'd like to finish more--ship more projects.
2020 was a year of learning to walk in a particular way--of learning to make decisions in my work and personal projects with a kind of authentic integrity that feels uniquely mine. And I did do that! But working this way last year was very slow. I'd like to make it faster.
I have 4-5 projects on my plate at any given time and an infinite number I could do. Some make money, some don't, some should but don't (!), some are artistic, some are more technical. Some scale, some don't.
Read 9 tweets
26 Dec 20
Slowthread of unqualified strong opinions:
To sing well you have to have had good sex
Men have lower back pain because our society controls anger and violence
Read 33 tweets
26 Nov 20
Everyone says they want ‘community’, but do they also want the endless social obligations, 3am crisis calls, constant attention to the trust between two people who aren’t you, hours spent on the phone hearing why one person is mad at another? And this is in a healthy community!
There’s also the agony of having put your faith in a group of people and watching that group crumble or the faith be unearned, the anxiety of new-group formation, the need to protect from people who will poison the well, & the self-doubt about whether you’re doing the right thing
Not saying you shouldn’t, but it feels like ‘community’ often has fantasy air-quotes around it and it’s held up as this angelic god-mother endless love space where you don’t also have actual work to do and sometimes feel threatened and alone.

It’s all part of the deal.
Read 8 tweets

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