Vault 131 - All overhead electric lighting designed to fail approximately ten days after vault is sealed. There are no replacement parts in vault storage. #VaultTec
Vault 140 - Vault occupants placed in ten year cryogenic suspension once vault is sealed. Cryogenic chambers of all occupants over the age of 14 are rigged to fail and terminate its occupant. #VaultTec
Vault 141 - Vault occupants placed in ten year cryogenic suspension once vault is sealed. Cryo-chambers of all occupants under the age of 14 rigged to infect occupant with Forced Evolutionary Virus. #VaultTec
Vault 142 - All vault residents' Pip-Boys are secretly designed to detect when its wearer is entering REM sleep and interrupt it with an electric shock. Security robots are programmed to terminate anyone without a Pip-Boy on sight. #VaultTec
Vault 143 - Vault residents are awakened from cryogenic suspension when outside radiation levels reach safe levels. All computers indicate that over 40,000 years have passed since vault closure. #VaultTec
Vault 144 - All residents' contracts with Vault-Tec include a section asking if they would, if necessary, consent to medical studies requiring them to be infected with FEV "for the greater good." Anyone who declines is issued a red vault uniform. #VaultTec

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More from @TheSpoonyOne

11 May
Okay, so in the "World of Darkness" RPG series, God punishes Caine for the murder of his brother by... *checks rulebook*

...making him immortal, invincible, and giving him the power to do literally anything just by thinking about it.
Then God punished the rest of humanity for... *checks Bible* ...no specific reason, by flooding the entire world and killing everyone.
I think one of my favorite parts of the Bible is when Moses leads his people out of Egypt, miraculously parts the waters of an ENTIRE SEA, and the moment he goes up a mountain to talk to God, they make a gold bull and start worshipping it.
Read 7 tweets
9 May
Watched "The 13th Warrior" for the first time in years. Very fun b-movie, feels very D&D with all its macho men and dungeon crawling.
Anyone who sees this will immediately want to roll up a Barbarian character just so they can talk all Bad Ass Norseman-like and get themselves killed while screaming "LO THERE DO I SEE MY FATHER!!"
(Antonio Banderas's character is me, because I'm that dickhead who dump-stats STR and brings a faceman to a Viking war.)
Read 8 tweets
8 Feb
Bilbo: Hey, Thorin.

Thorin: What now, Dumbo?

Bilbo: It's... it's Bilbo, actu--

Thorin: I know what it is.

Bilbo: I was just, well, I guess I'm a little unclear as to what my role in all this is.

Thorin: Join the fucking club.

Gandalf: We seek the Arkenstone, Bilbo.
Bifur: Aye, to Erebor, home of our people and the most precious of jewels.

Bilbo: Ah.

Thorin: And with it, our kin are restored to our mountain home.

Bilbo: How's that?

Thorin: How's what?

Bilbo: Well, I'm to steal this Arkenstone, and then what?

Thorin: That's it.
Bilbo: So the Arkenstone will destroy the dragon in the mountain?

Thorin: No, of course not.

Bilbo: So I get the Arkenstone. But won't the dragon still, like... be there?

Thorin: So?

Bilbo: And unimaginably pissed-off?

Thorin: Fucking A. I would be.

Bilbo: But... how...
Read 30 tweets
19 Jan
My god. This is the list of statues Trump wants in his "National Garden of American Heroes."

whitehouse.gov/presidential-a…

About a third of these people listed weren't even American.
About another third of them owned slaves, the rest notoriously opposed civil rights... I see a couple who named names to the House Un-American Activities Committee... oh, here's one who voiced support for Hitler... a rapist...
Yeah, among the biggest fuck-you entries on this list is Henry Ford: supported fucking Hitler, author of "The International Jew" and massive, MASSIVE asshole.
Read 4 tweets
7 Jan
It's easy to lose perspective when talking about Trump; always has been. But right now, four people are dead because he directed his supporters to literally attack Congress.

I don't think he's ever understood (or cared) that people live or die based on his decisions.
*Four people* are dead because he told the MAGA crowd to storm the Capitol and raise hell. They're gone.

I get vertigo just trying to comprehend the death toll from his idiot non-response to the coronavirus. They didn't have to die. He killed them. Over a quarter-million people.
And all he had to do was *something.*

A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

But no, don't test, don't worry. It'll all go away. Can you even imagine having nearly 300,000 deaths on your conscience? Can you even imagine ONE?
Read 8 tweets
7 Jan
I am reminded of the time Angry Joe and I were in D.C., and Joe wanted to film a sketch in front of the Supreme Court, dressed as Corporate Commander. I made him wait while I went to the nearest policeman and told him what we were up to, fearing a sharpshooter would take Joe out.
I put myself in the mind of one of the rooftop snipers, idly scouting for threats when suddenly, he sees COBRA Commander, and instincts hardwired in since childhood take over, and without even thinking, the trigger is pulled.
I mean, think about it: this is why you became a sharpshooter *in the first place* was fantasies of drilling a hole in COBRA Commander's head from half-a-click out with a gun that shoots bullets the size of bananas.
Read 5 tweets

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