Thread by @iowahawkblog

Buy me a beer and I'll tell you about Toi Pei

https://twitter.com/DUDEwipes/status/1397600481015382023

Back in '20 I was just a naive antiseptic wipe, fresh from the factory, when I got my Walmart warehouse draft notice. When I shipped out over the scanner, I was full of bravado and ready to clean out some anuses. But nothing can prepare you for what it's like in the real shit.

*this thread best experienced while listening to "Fortunate Son"

When I finally arrived upcrack the humidity and smell was stifling but I was all adrenaline, alert to what lurked beyond that dense thicket of hair. When I arrived at the Forward Operating Base, all that was there was a sweaty ball of lint with a thousand yard stare.

"Where is the toilet paper battalion?" I asked. "I was suppose to relieve them, they said this was a mop up mission."

"Toilet paper?" asked Lint, with a laugh that was half madness. "Ain't you heard Dudewipe? There ain't been no toilet paper in Plumber Valley for 3 weeks."

"But where did the toilet paper go?" I asked.

"Fuck if I know," said Lint, lighting up a joint. "Picked off by TP hoarders and snipers, I guess, or at least that's what I heard on radio chatter. Don't matter now, because you're going in there alone Dudewipe."

"Give me that field radio, Lint. I'm calling in for some air support from the Bidet Force."

"Bidet?" said Lint, laughing maniacally. "What do you think this is, Dudewipe, France? Brother, you are now up Shit Creek, and you are the paddle."

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