Ok I’m not sober rn but I’m realizing that I haven’t even begun processing the trauma I accumulated by being an undiagnosed neurodivergent person for 23 years.
Like. People took a kid who taught himself to read on a kids encyclopedia of natural history and read astrophysics textbooks and Beowulf for fun and convinced him to his core that he was legitimately incapable, unintelligent and a lost cause.
Idk man. All I ever wanted was to be a person worth listening to. And all academia ever did for me was convince me that wasn’t possible.
The fact that I’m even aware of this now is a very new development.
The fact that I’m even aware of this now is a very new development.
So, so much behavior that is characterized as “disorder” isn’t disordered at all - just not tolerated. And that intolerance creates so much more.
I don’t know how to stop competing with the “better”, theoretical versions of me. Every accomplishment I make is diminished by me thinking that I could have done so much more if only I’d been cis, or NT, or mentally healthy, or even just a bit better, and it kills me.
And this — realizing how much my neurodivergence played into all of this, and how much so much of what I struggle with was *avoidable* — only creates thousands of new versions of myself to compete with.
If anyone has similar experience with realizing neurodivergence in adulthood, advice appreciated.
Feels very similar to the mourning period after accepting my transness, and the mourning period I’m in currently around accepting my disability.
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