Thread by @ResilienttHuman

How to be Assertive Without Being a Jerk

(The art of imposing your will without being confrontational)

///THREAD\\\

Need a promotion? Be more assertive.

Relationship gone south? Be more assertive.

Is it true? Yes.

Is it easy? Hell No.

You are either brushed off.

Or you manage to rub people in the wrong way.

How to change that?

Here's how you can become assertive without being a jerk.

1. The 3 C’s

Being assertive means 3 C’s:

- Confidence: You believe in your message.
- Clarity: Your message is clear.
- Control: You deliver it in a calm and controlled way.

Re-iterate them when a conversation gets derailed.

It will help you focus and grab control.

2. The Physicals

Do these right. They can make or break a conversation.

- Make eye contact.
- Make your body language congruent.
- Add appropriate gestures
- Keep your voice relaxed

These first 2 are the fundamentals aspects.

Let's build upon these.

3. Stick to ‘I’ Statements

Keep your statements focused on your thoughts and your feelings.

Stick with "I" statements:

"I think this new approach will work."

Stay clear of accusatory sentences with "you":

"You never appreciate my hard work"

It's as simple as that.

4. Use Emphatic Verbs

Don't sugar-coat your message.

Use definite and emphatic verbs.

- “will” instead of “could” or “should”.
- “want” instead of “need.”

Add your own reason after a “because”.

Do that and your success rate increases from 60% to 93%.

5. Stick to the Facts

Want to change a behavior in someone?

Just stick to the facts.

Describe what they did and why you didn’t like it.

Don't exaggerate.

Stay clear of adjectives and judgments.

Stay honest.

Don’t make accusations or try to make them feel guilty.

6. Don't Treat them as Your Enemy

Conflicts of opinion will happen.

That doesn't make them your enemy.

Be respectful and hear them out.

Don’t interrupt.

Take a problem-solving approach to conflict.

Keep the dialogue open, until the issue gets resolved.

7. Don't Expect Others to Play by the Rules

You can only control yourself and your own behavior. 

So throw false expectations out of the window.

Do your best to stay calm and measured.

As long as you are being respectful, you have the right to say or do what you want.

8. Soak up the Feedback

Feedback can be:
- harsh
- unhelpful
- subjective

But bear it with anyway grace and humility.

Don’t let it get under your skin.

Instead, try to find nuggets of truth within it.

It will make you more confident and yet keep you grounded.

9. Don’t Get Carried Away

Sometimes, it’s best not to say anything.

- you might be too emotional
- you might not have clarity

Buy yourself some time to compose your thoughts.

Trust your instinct.

If something doesn’t feel right, don’t say “okay” out of habit.

10. Say 'No'

You can’t stop people from asking.

But you can say ‘no’.

Make a logical decision:
- Is your belief reasonable?
- Has it ever happened before?
- Are you ok with the consequences?

If you are, then say ‘no’.

If you’re not, make the choice to say ‘yes’.

11. Be Present

Stay rooted in the present.

Give your complete attention to what they are saying.

Not the issues that you had with them in the past.

If you take only one thing from this thread, I want this to be it.

It alone will help you become more assertive.

TL;DR

- The fundamentals (3 C's, and the physicals)
- Stick to ‘I’ Statements
- Use Emphatic Verbs
- Stick to the Facts
- Don't Treat them as Your Enemy
- Don't Expect Them to Play by the Rules
- Soak up the Feedback
- Don’t Get Carried Away
- Say 'No'
- Be Present

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Please RT the first tweet of the thread to help out a friend.

https://twitter.com/ResilienttHuman/status/1409497297667334145?s=19