It has come to my attention that the online articles on the weirdest classical myths are totally insufficient. Since it’s been a while since we’ve done a thread, I’m giving a list of 10 of my wildest, most disturbing or confusing Greco-Roman myths. #mythology #ClassicsTwitter. 🧵
(CW: literally everything bad you can expect from myth, inc*st, SA, just gross stuff)
1. A different “King’s Disease”: Minos, the king of Crete from the Minotaur story, at one point was cursed to ejaculate spiders, scorpions, and snakes that would devour his sexual partners from the vagina out. He sought the aid of Procris, whom he promised an infallible spear and
a dog that would always catch its prey if she healed him and slept with him, which she did. She gave the spear to her husband, who later killed her with it while hunting, thinking she was a deer in the bushes (Apollodorus 3.15.1). theoi.com/Text/Apollodor… 
2. Baby in a basket: Athena visited Hephaestus’ shop for armor. The god, lustful, tries to force himself on her, but can't catch her because of his lameness. Instead, he spills on her leg. Athena wipes off his semen with a rag and throws it on the ground, impregnating the earth.
Gaia births a half-snake baby, Erichthonius, whom Athena puts in a box and gives to the daughters of Cecrops, King of Athens (also half-snake) warning them not to open it. They open it, go mad, and fling themselves off the acropolis (Apollodorus 3.14.6)
theoi.com/Text/Apollodor…
theoi.com/Text/Apollodor…
3. Hera, born-again virgin: To be fair, this myth actually *is* on the Ranker list. According to Pausanias (2.38.2), the Argives believed Hera bathes in a spring called Canathus every year.
In doing so, becomes a virgin again each time (presumably this means she regrows her hymen?) and as such, was worshipped by some as a virgin goddess. theoi.com/Text/Pausanias…
4. Procne, Tereus, and Philomela: This is actually my least favorite myth. I hate it so much, I’m not going to describe it in detail. Let’s just say it involves a rape, the disfigurement of a victim, and a cannibalism. (Ovid Metamorphoses 6.412-674) theoi.com/Text/OvidMetam…
5. Adonis: You’ve probably heard the term “Adonis” tossed around, but might not know the story. When Adonis’ mother Myrrha became deeply lustful for her father Cinyras, she tricked him into sleeping with her for nine nights in complete darkness.
When he discovered that his daughter had taken advantage of him, he tried to kill her, but Myrrha was turned into the myrrh tree before he could. The tree gave birth to baby Adonis, whom Aphrodite gave to Persephone to be raised.
He grew up to be very handsome and started sleeping with both of his foster-mothers, who started feuding over him. Zeus settled it by having Adonis be Persephone’s companion for 4 months in the underworld, Aphrodite’s for 4 months, and spend the last 4 with whoever he wished.
He chose to spend the remaining 4 with Aphrodite because, you know, the underworld. (Ovid Met. 10.705-end) theoi.com/Text/OvidMetam…
6. Braaains: Tydeus, father of the Trojan War hero Diomedes, was one of the greatest warriors of his generation. During the bungled assault of the Seven Against Thebes, he defeated his opponent Melanippus, who then spitefully hit him with a fatal blow.
Not to be outdone in terms of spite, he starts eating the brains of his enemy while dying on the battlefield. Athena was going to grant immortality to Tydeus, her favorite hero, but was so disgusted by the cannibalism, she changed her mind.
(Statius Thebaid 8.655-end) poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Latin/St…
7. Agdistis: Another impregnating the earth story! Zeus impregnated the earth and it produced a superhuman with both male and female genitalia named Agdistis. The gods feared Agdistis, and Dionysus tied their foot to their penis in their sleep.
When they awoke, they stood up, thereby ripping their penis off. The blood and viscera produced an almond tree that would get a woman pregnant with the future baby Attis (s/o to my fellow Catullus 63 fans!). theoi.com/Phrygios/Agdis…
8. A lack of foresight: The famed Theban oracle Tiresias’ origin is pretty colorful. One day, he was walking and he saw two snakes mating, he killed one and as a result was transformed into a woman. Knowing how much sex was worth to men, he became the first sex-worker.
He then saw either two different snakes mating, or the other snake from before, and killed one, changing back into a man. Later, Zeus and Hera were having an argument (shocker) about whether men or women enjoyed sex more, and they enlisted the person who'd had both experiences.
Tiresias said that women enjoyed sex ten times as much as men, and as punishment, Hera struck him blind. Zeus, instead of, you know, giving him his sight back, gave him the “gift” of prophecy and a lifetime of seven generations.
(Hyginus, Fab. 75) topostext.org/work/206
(Hyginus, Fab. 75) topostext.org/work/206
9. A bad case of priapism: Priapus, a fertility god with a (clears throat) substantial endowment, at one point tried to force himself onto the virgin goddess Hestia while she was asleep.
A nearby donkey brayed right before he could commit the act, and from then on, donkeys were sacred to Hestia (and less than sacred to Priapus). (Ovid, Fasti 6.319) theoi.com/Georgikos/Pria…
10. Lion-lovers: after the Caledonian boar hunt and the golden apples, Atalanta and Hippomenes moved on to other high-adventure pursuits, specifically, having sex everywhere. They even had sex in Cybele’s temple, for which they were turned into lions.
Hyginus (185) believed that lions couldn’t mate with other lions, only with leopards (topostext.org/work/206 ???) so the punishment fit the crime. The two were doomed to pull Cybele’s chariot for eternity. (Ovid Met. 10.671-704)
This list is in no way exhaustive. If we’ve forgotten one of your favorites, feel free to add it below! (end)
@mythsbaby how did we do?
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