Thread by @AdhdAngsty

On ADHD + catastrophizing:

Do you ever think about the impact of consistently telling kids their ADHD related struggles mean they're lazy, careless etc? No wonder some of us catastrophize- many of us were taught that small mistakes DO make us inherently bad.

Growing up, adults consistently made assumptions about what my behaviour meant. I lost things because I was careless, forgot homework because I was lazy, was late because I was selfish etc. As a child I knew this wasn't true and that I was trying really hard to be "good".

But, to the adults around me, behaviour equaled intent. And they expected me to show remorse for that intent, to apologise, and to adjust my behavior accordingly. No matter how hard I tried, I kept making mistakes, which they took as me not bothering to change.

I started to believe that I MUST be unchangeably bad, bc nobody gave an alternative explanation. I tried really hard to avoid making these mistakes, and learnt to see them as proof of character flaws I needed to fight against, rather than things I was struggling with.

So, as an adult, when I lose something, or miss a meeting, it feels really big (even when it isn't). Even now, knowing I have ADHD, the first thing I say to myself isn't "ooof, lost your keys again, probably time to figure out a new system". It's "you're so fucking careless".

I can push back against that voice now but only because I've worked hard to unlearn the ableism behind these narratives in my head. Missing an appointment doesn't mean I don't take it seriously. It means I missed the appointment. Only I know whether I take it seriously or not.

There are many reasons ADHDers tend to catastrophize- we can struggle with regulating our emotions, and being lateral thinkers mean we often experience mistakes cumulatively rather than individually. BUT, many of us are also TAUGHT to see our mistakes as a big deal.

Anyway, sometimes the consequences of a genuine accident will be big. I just deeply believe I need to get to a place where I can be accountable and experience the consequences of mistakes (big and small) without adding a layer of self hatred to it. It doesn't benefit anyone.

And, I wish that parents and educators and anyone who interacts with young ADHDers would believe them when they say they are trying. Kids are rarely nefarious manipulators and behaviour usually represents something bigger. They might actually just need your help.

P.S. this thread is about my experiences with ADHD, but tbh probs applies to any ND experience, and just kids generally. Adults should see kids as individual, complex beings with their own motivators and limitations, rather than blank slates to project themselves onto.