Differentiation of Self is a 'cornerstone concept' of Systems Theory, to coin a phrase from Dr Roberta Gilbert.
I used to think it was 4 things at once. But recently I have added a 5th thing that I think it REALLY important
A brief thread.
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I used to think it was 4 things at once. But recently I have added a 5th thing that I think it REALLY important
A brief thread.
1/
The original 4 things at once:
1. Managing your reactivity from erupting into others.
2. Not catching the reactivity coming at you.
3. Staying emotionally connected to the person.
4. Clarifying your own values and convictions.
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1. Managing your reactivity from erupting into others.
2. Not catching the reactivity coming at you.
3. Staying emotionally connected to the person.
4. Clarifying your own values and convictions.
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Now with the 5th:
1. Managing your reactivity from erupting into others.
2. Not catching the reactivity coming at you.
3. Staying emotionally connected to the person.
4. Clarifying your own values and convictions.
5. Aligning your values and conviction with reality.
3/
1. Managing your reactivity from erupting into others.
2. Not catching the reactivity coming at you.
3. Staying emotionally connected to the person.
4. Clarifying your own values and convictions.
5. Aligning your values and conviction with reality.
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It was bugging me, just the 4th thing. What if my convictions and values are just objectively wrong? What if they keep me obtuse and a frustration.
I've noticed some people digging into their convictions where they would be freeer to hold them looser.
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I've noticed some people digging into their convictions where they would be freeer to hold them looser.
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...or really test if these convictions are best suited to this circumstance.
I remember after Andy Stanley wrote 'Choosing to Cheat' about work/life balance.
Excellent book. Needed corrective. But some younger leaders wielded it against us when we needed hustle.
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I remember after Andy Stanley wrote 'Choosing to Cheat' about work/life balance.
Excellent book. Needed corrective. But some younger leaders wielded it against us when we needed hustle.
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Their conviction to work less violated what the situation required. Andy wrote it from a posture of 'I'm working too much' but some of my leaders read it from a posture of, 'I'm already not doing much' and the book reinforced their false conviction.
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Because in reality, most jobs that really matter, and many kingdom endeavors require a lot of work some of the time. Andy was writing against workaholism, the mistress of work, neglect of home etc, but I bet he's done more than a few 60 hr weeks.
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It was more about a rhythm than a rigid line to never cross.
So often, our convictions and values are simply wrong. We need to realign to the truth of reality.
But when we're anxious, we're infected by a POV that keeps us from reality.
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So often, our convictions and values are simply wrong. We need to realign to the truth of reality.
But when we're anxious, we're infected by a POV that keeps us from reality.
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Jesus said the Truth shall set you free. Of course he was pointing to himself as The Truth, but what is also true is all truth always sets us free and all lies always keep us bound.
And chronic anxiety is always trying to sell us a lie.
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And chronic anxiety is always trying to sell us a lie.
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If we can sift what we believe through the lens of what actually is, we can be free.
This is hard to do on our own. We often need trusted friends to help us see if we are seeing what is, or what we THINK and FEEL is.
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This is hard to do on our own. We often need trusted friends to help us see if we are seeing what is, or what we THINK and FEEL is.
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Olaf, in Frozen, had convictions and values. He LOVED summer time. He sang a delightful song about it. The problem is, he is made from a substance that must stay frozen for him to be ok.
He is most free when he can let reality inform his convictions.
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He is most free when he can let reality inform his convictions.
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Jamie Tart from Ted Lasso is on an interesting journey with reality right now. He is grappling with the family propaganda from his dad, with his reputation, with what he wants, the damage he has caused.
if he aligns his values with what is true, he can truly be free.
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if he aligns his values with what is true, he can truly be free.
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So now when I teach differentiation, I'm adding this needed extra step. I'm still sorting out how to help people get to it. Truth can feel elusive to us, ESPECIALLY when we're in the grip of anxiety.
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