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14 Sep, 23 tweets, 6 min read
New iPhone is pretty hefty
Today Apple is one step closer to achieving its dream of a dongle with dongles. This one lets you shave while watching YouTube
These iPads look like the color selection you get with modern cars. For some reason every auto sold these days is only available in five subdued colors, two of which are grey.
Oh god they're doing the watch. I guess it can tell if you are on a bike now? The OG Apple watch was made of solid gold and let you send your pulse to strangers! Like us, this device used to have dreams!
When the Apple watch was launched, they spent like two hours talking about the Digital Crown and how it marked a new era in the human experience. And in today's event they're like "oh yeah, we fixed the button"
Making you pay more for smaller numbers is a bit of a dick move
We are back to the Sunday Shopper design aesthetic on Apple slides and I could not love this any harder. Imagine the passive-aggression being directed at Jony Ive here
Apple's fitness guy looks exactly like what you get when you prompt the AI with "apple fitness guy"
"Guided meditation is also coming to Fitness+, with new guided meditations each week on subjects like calm, gratitude, kindness, and Xi Jinping Thought"
"The notch is 20% smaller" is my favorite Apple marketing self-own. "We found a way to make this design feature that we totally put in on purpose and that really ties the phone together a little smaller."
The iPhone's biggest design challenge in the 2020's is how to make it visible that you own a newer iPhone. The solution this time around is diagonal camera eyes.
It looks like Apple shares lab space with L'Oreal
New iPhone picture in picture feature lets you play tennis while talking to your brother in law about his crippling alcoholism. Being a sponsor no longer such a drag
At this point they should just write CAMERA MORE GOOD and move on. We all get it.
Now we're on a big kick about privacy for your always-on remotely exploitable live pocket microphone and GPS tracker.
We're maybe two years out from returning to beige computers. WHY SO DESATURATE
Oh I guess there's another phone? It's the Pro phone! And it's got stainless steel bands because the "a" in aluminum stands for "amateur". And it comes in four dad colors!
Maybe not the best day for Apple to announce they're hard-wiring a lot more of their encoding/decoding code.
"Super Retina XDR" is another beautiful cry for help from the Apple marketing department. Next year: Tactical Super Retina XDR Maxx v3
THIS BABY CAN DO 10Hz!
Seriously, though, Apple should do a tactical iPhone.
There's something now about applying auto-filters to all photos, which shows that Apple has learned nothing from the fiasco of putting HDR technology in the hands of realtors.
If you like spider eyes you'll really love our new iPhone pro

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Pinboard Profile picture
15 Sep
Nobody seems to be running the saner version of this headline, which is that our top military leader conspired with a foreign power outside the civilian chain of command. Image
This is closer to treason (which is really narrowly defined in our constitution) than anything Trump ever did. Image
If you're worried the President is going to go full loco, maybe call Congress instead of your buddy in the PLA
Read 8 tweets
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15 Sep
The California recall may be the emblematic election of our time—you get to choose whether to keep the dismal status quo or climb into a clown car.
People discount the fact that it's a lot more fun in the clown car.
I'd also love to see the results of an election where there's no question on the ballot, you can just pick YES or NO. They should run one to calibrate these recalls.
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13 Sep
Why does the Sound of Music have brighter and more vivid colors than any modern comic book movie? And will anyone making these things have the courage to depart from the brown/orange/teal color scheme? Is there some modern color balance codicil to the Hays Code I'm not aware of?
George Lucas needs to re-issue the original Star Wars movies at 48 frames per second with modern digital color correction. And auto-tune that Mos Eisley Cantina scene!
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Pinboard Profile picture
12 Sep
I bet if everyone chipped in we could get it done in one.
The main purpose of the Biritish monarchy today is to play a great cosmic joke on Charles, and let's face it, that's a great purpose. This important work must continue. But no reason to keep it going after the universe delivers its punch line.
You have to wonder how many British journalists have died of old age with pre-written obituaries of Elizabeth II in their desk drawer. And I hope their heirs all sent her a copy; that's got to be a satisfying feeling if you're Liz.
Read 4 tweets
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11 Sep
I don't know how it struck other people, but the word "homeland" entering American politics in late 2001 was my first real taste of American nativism, which would of course grow to dominate our politics in both parties. I'd never been uneasy before that about being foreign born.
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Like, I'm sorry, but the actual homeland does not have such shitty ham.
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8 Sep
This thread about how the SEC is being mean to the company trying to hook cryptocurrency scams into the real economy creates an acute crisis for nanoluthiers, who are still decades away from being able to build an atomic scale violin and thought they had more time
Coinbase really is the Sinn Derp of imaginary money, the ostentatiously law-abiding arm of a fundamentally criminal enterprise. Their goal is to enable the criminality at scale by creating a legal way to hook grandma's pension fund into Buttcoin derivatives
Cryptocurrency is basically the sovereign citizen movement for money, which is why it's so important not to lend it legitimacy. The SEC's manifest desire to fire it all into the Sun is gratifying if overdue
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