Thread by @PaulMDomenick

From awkward loner to becoming the life of the party.

- 5 steps I used to overcome social anxiety -

(STORY THREAD)

It feels like it was yesterday...

Upset and smoking as I looked out my window.

This is was my life: wake up, videogames, look at phone, sleep.

I was depressed, lonely, and didn’t want to be alive.

I was panicking.

I couldn’t believe this is what my life had become.

Everyone else seemed to be having the time of their lives.

Partying, traveling, and enjoying life.

Here I was, spending most of the day in my room, alone.

Each day felt worse. My anxiety became intense.

The sadness grew deeper.

How did I get to this point in my life?

I lived a lie most of my life.

I was bullied at home and school, which made me insecure.

All my life I’d been told:
“Paul you’re ugly!”
“Paul you’re hideous and stupid.”
“Paul you’re worthless.”

Because I heard it so often, I believed it.

This created my self-image.

On top of having a horrible self-image, I became deeply fearful of social interaction.

I was tired of being rejected by people.
I was tired of being told I’m ugly and stupid.
I was tired of being told I was a failure and worthless.

So I began avoiding people…..

Years passed.

After spending so much time avoiding people, I developed social anxiety.

“Were they judging me? Were they making fun of me? ”

I was constantly feared other people’s thoughts.

And then I found a cure…….so I thought

The “cure” was complete social isolation.

I avoided people altogether.

It felt like a cure because I only had panic attacks around people.

If I stayed home, I wouldn’t have panic episodes anymore.

Yeah, except that I became a social recluse and developed more phobias.

I was sliding towards deep depression, isolation and hopelessness.

Flash forward. I’m back in my room, alone, and afraid.

Years of avoiding people caused old relationships to deteriorate.

If I didn’t do something, I’d be screwed forever.

That all changed that night…

I received a phone call.

It was a childhood friend I hadn’t spoken to in years.

He asked me to join him for a drink.

I was hesitant. Anxiety kicked in and reminded me of my fears.

I pushed through because I wanted to see how he friend was doing.

We met at a bar.

After a few drinks, he left to go dancing. He asked me to join.

“How the fuck could I go dance in front of people? Is he nuts?” I thought.

I watched him dance and maneuver through the crowd, talking to everyone.

He was surrounded by people, laughing and having a great time.

I couldn’t believe what I saw.

I hadn’t seen him in years. We were the same once. Awkward loners who kept to ourselves.

Now he’s the life of the party, magnetizing everyone he meets.

How’d he do this??”

I saved that question for the walk home.

We went to the diner at 1am. I didn’t get home until 4.

I bombarded him with questions.

I was impressed and lost for words.

I asked “Dude, when did you become THAT guy?

He told his story and shared the fucked up things that happened in his life.

And then he said…..

“Paul, you have to realize the image we have of ourselves is self-created. We’re like a ball of playdough. We can mold ourselves into whoever we want. I wasn’t always confident, charismatic, and good with people. I became someone who was.”

My mind was blown.

I thought "If he could do it, so can i.”

To gain confidence and charisma, first I needed to overcome social anxiety.

That was the barrier holding me back from getting everything I wanted out of life.

Love, laughter, experiences, friendship, etc.

I started researching...

After spending months studying social anxiety, it clicked.

I read studies, reports, and philosophical/spiritual texts.

This was the easy part.

I read everything. I learned the various therapies, mindset exercises, skills and techniques.

It was time for action.

The first thing I did was fix my mindset and beliefs.

My self-image. The image of who I thought I was.

Self-image is the foundation underneath confidence and success.

To change your self-image, you must introduce new thoughts and beliefs.

This was step number one.

I did this through journaling and other techniques.

I challenged negative thoughts and beliefs every day.

I questioned my mind and came up with positive, alternative ways of thinking.

My mindset slowly changed, but I needed experiences to cement the beliefs.

Next, I focused on overcoming the anxious feelings.

I put myself around people every day

I didn’t talk to anyone

I just went to places that caused my anxiety. This is known as exposure therapy

You slowly face the things you fear. After repeated exposure, the fears subside.

After a while, my anxiety decreased. I adjusted.

I built the confidence to be around people without having panic attacks.

Now I had to talk to them.

I decided on one conversation a day.

I needed a history of positive interactions

I’d refer to these experiences if social anxiety snuck back in

Now I needed more opportunities to develop my social skills

Better social skills = more confidence = less anxiety

This was step 3

I approached people every day. I talked to everyone.

I talked to baristas, the homeless, classmates, people waiting in line and at the bar.

Wherever I was, I met new people.

I’d work my conversation skills in every interaction, trying out various techniques and exercises.

My confidence grew.

Every conversation was opportunity to get better.

To listen more, ask better questions, and connect with people.

After fixing my self-image, overcoming the social anxiety barrier, and developing my people skills, it was time for the last steps.

I tried new things: Martial arts, running, meditation, reading, surfing.

People with similar interests entered my life

I found myself hanging out with them all the time

I was making friends and getting good at it

The more I opened up to the world, the more it shared with me

I found myself dancing in the middle of a crowd.
I’d sit in a café and talk to stranger about their book.
I’d go bar hopping with people I just met.

Life became an everyday adventure.

Endless possibilities.

The more I put myself out there the more opportunities came my way

Flash forward to present day.

After many days, months, and years of action, my social anxiety is almost non-existent.

I have an awesome social circle, many new hobbies, and genuinely love talking to people. Life is an adventure.

If I can do it, so can you.

Cheers 🙏

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