Thread by @OneGSisneros

My wife cheated on me.

// thread

I called my wife's office during lunch. Her boss answered the phone.

"Hey George, she just left. Can I leave a message?"

"No. I'll call later."

"I LOVE the flowers you sent her."

(awkward pause)

"Thanks!"

Except...I hadn't sent her flowers.

My mind raced.

"Maybe she bought herself flowers?"
"Maybe her mom sent her flowers?"
"Maybe ... Fuck ... maybe she's cheating?"

I met her at University my junior year, she was a freshman.

I liked her.
She was beautiful.
I was in it for the sex.

As the year came to an end, my plan was to break up as soon as there was some geographic distance.

During finals week, she came to my apartment "to talk".

"I'm pregnant."

We didn't see a lot of options.

I don't remember seeking wise counsel.

I felt alone and terrified of being a father.

3 months later we were married and both dropped out of school to get jobs to pay for a tiny, shitty apartment.

Life was hard.

Brutally hard.

Yes, there's a lot of opportunity in the U.S., but it's also expensive. Especially if you have no idea how to manage what little money you have.

At one point I was working 3 jobs.

I sold real estate during the day,
I waited tables at a Mexican restaurant at night,
And I delivered newspapers at 4am.

It was 5 years later that I called her office and learned about the flowers.

I didn't have the courage to ask her about it when she got home. I'm not sure what I was waiting for.

As soon as I was sure she was asleep, I emptied her purse on the living room floor. I don't know what I was looking for.

Evidence of an affair I guess.

And then I found a card from the florist, "I love you".

It wasn't signed.

I don't remember if I loved her at this point, but I told her I was willing to try to make it work.

We both cried.

She told me she was sorry.

But it was too late.

At our first counselling session, the therapist told us, "If you both want to make this work, it will work. If one of you does not, it won't."

She was in too deep. She chose the other guy...who was also married.

3 months later, we divorced.

Divorce felt like a death.
Divorce felt like I had a stain on who I was (not true by the way)
Divorce felt lonely as hell.

So what's the lesson?

Holy shit, there are a busload of lessons.

• Don't date someone you don't plan to marry.

• Have sex with your wife, not with a bunch of girlfriends.

(I know you don't like this advice, but trust me. It becomes baggage you'll eventually have to deal with.)

• Be intentional with your relationships.

You don't luck into a happy relationship.

Know what you want your marriage to look like.

Break it down into ways you can make that happen.

And then follow the damn plan.

• Have boundaries you both agree on.

I'm never alone with another woman and she's never alone with another man.

• Find and take responsibility for your part in the failed marriage.

This is SO IMPORTANT.

If you don't recognize your part, it's bound to repeat itself.

My part?

Premarital sex.
I got married to someone I didn't love.
I had horrible habits with money.
I wasn't home enough.

• Divorce doesn't define you.

Two years later, after a lot of personal growth, I met the love of my life.

We've been married 23 years.

Follow me @OneGSisneros.

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