Thread by @AutSciPerson

When you've tried to tell people, maybe not in these exact words,

that you're not okay,

and then people continue to tell you you're fine,

you stop telling people you're not okay.

I think this happens to autistic people a lot with the NTs in our lives

And why reaching out so often has the potential to be traumatizing.

There are very few people who know how to support me effectively when I'm dealing with poor mental health.

When I reach out I often get responses I interpret as gaslighting or scolding something I did.

It doesn't help that most of the time the people who say they want to be supportive ask to zoom or meet in person or talk on the phone.

When I'm having a rough time, that's probably one of the worst things I could be doing, using energy on physically speaking words or listening.

There is no concept of good mental health and good support for autistic people in this world. Reaching out to non-autistic people is like playing the lottery.

A few people every once in a while will understand and give you grace, but otherwise it's people being upset at you.

And the worst part about this, is that many times the non-autistic people are genuinely trying to help or think they are helping.

And of course I don't have the emotional bandwidth or logic in that moment to dissect their reply and to explain to them why it's not helpful.

So instead I just have to give up reaching out to them again because it will probably end up with the same unintentional harm as before.

The autistic community is the only reason I don't feel alone sometimes. Because I know someone gets it. It's just so exhausting.

There's also this mental health campaigning now about reaching out for help but autistic people often have to weigh the potential harm non-autistic people's "helping" can do. It backfires too often.

I continually keep getting told (by non-autistic people) that I "deserve" to get this PhD which only puts more pressure on me. As if I don't know this, that I put many many years into this.

All that phrase tells me is "Keep running yourself into the ground. Do whatever it takes"

"We don't care about your life, we only care that you graduate with a PhD."

Of course that's not what non-autistic people mean when they say this, but that's pretty much what they're telling me. What else does that mean when I already know the information?

Nothing supportive.

Can I just say, the only reason I'm in the position I am, to be able to attempt to get a PhD, is because an autistic person convinced me to ask for an advocate, and also because of the non-autistic disability advocate.

I was thinking of never reaching out about it otherwise.

It's amazing to me the huge gap in support and understanding there is between autistic and non-autistic people.

There are 100% people who are real allies and they are needed,

but the majority of non-autistic people generally don't understand how to comfort an autistic person.

Sometimes autistic people start off with solution-esque advice, but generally most will eventually say "Do you want to rant? Do you want support? Do you need me to just listen?"

That doesn't happen when I talk to non-autistic people. What I get is assuming 1 of those things.

And best of all, if I say "I don't have the spoons to engage with you on this" they're just like "okay I understand."

Like wanting to engage or not isn't a sign of how much you value that person or their friendship, it's just what you need or don't need. And it's respected.