Thread by @cicerfics

No, but I am really very obsessed with this idea now.

College student LWJ spots a hot thirtysomething. He positions himself in the guy's line of sight, and hints that he is open to accepting a drink.

This is usually MORE than enough to get him attention.

https://twitter.com/yllzapologist/status/1448410302207479808

This usually results in the target TRIPPING over himself to rush to LWJ's side.

But this guy just looks him up and down, and goes, "No. :') You're EXTREMELY beautiful, sweetheart, but you don't even look old enough to drink. :') I am way too old for you. :')"

LWJ puts actually EFFORT into flirting, for the first time in his entire life!

And it gets him NOWHERE.

The guy just laughs, and pats LWJ's head. He has a son in second grade, dear heart. A son and a mortgage! Much too old for pretty college students.

He's INCREDIBLY flattered, don't get him wrong! This is the highlight of his week! His month! His decade!

But all LWJ is getting out of him is a soft drink and an offer to help with LWJ's college algebra homework.

LWJ is INCENSED.

He is embarrassed and furious and he is going to sleep with this man if it's the LAST THING HE DOES!

You think he's too young and immature and frivolous? Oh HO. Watch him learn ALL ABOUT mortgages and raising elementary-aged children, MISTER.

He won't stop at sleeping with this man, in fact! He's just gonna have to marry this guy and PROVE that he's not too young for him! >:(

...I don't know where I'm going with this concept. Just. Accidental husband acquisition for WWX, I guess!

He is distraught, because he was determined NOT to become a dirty old man!

But what's he supposed to do now??

His friends are not taking his dilemma seriously.

But then, "Help! An attractive 21 year old wants to marry me, a thirty-something single father who hasn't gotten laid in three years!" doesn't exactly sound like a world-ending crisis.

He pours out his woes to Mianmian, and she's like

"Oh no...not a gorgeous and presumably very flexible twenty one year old trying to become your trophy husband...should I call the p*lice...?"

And yes, A-Yuan DEFINITELY meets LWJ by accident.

And yes, he IMMEDIATELY goes, "It's free stepdad!" and develops a big hero-worship crush on LWJ.

LWJ is extremely smug. WWX knows when he's beaten.

...Anyway. LWJ wasn't originally TRYING to do the ring-by-spring thing, But he manages it anyway.

WWX bears this TERRIBLE hardship (a beautiful and loving husband, who gets along wonderfully with his son) as best he can. 😔

And LQR and LXC never, ever believe that LWJ was the one to aggressively pursue WWX. On their DEATHBEDS, they are convinced that WWX stole their precious little Wangji's virtue during his tender college years.

The end!

(Now, someone who is NOT ME should write this. 😇)