As Halloween approaches, we're going to take you on a broomstick ride. Hop on board! Don't mind if the seat's a little sticky. We're going to take you on a wild journey involving witches, drugs and masturbation.
We'll start with a disclaimer: most history surrounding witches was written by people who didn't like witches very much, and could have entirely made it up. However, if it's made up, they invented something cool af.
There are references to a "flying ointment" used by witches. Various recipes have been listed, including animal entrails, fat from murdered children, "horrible worms", parsley, and, most relevant to this story, some herbs which have hallucinogenic properties.
Plants such as belladonna, henbane, hemlock, wolfsbane and mandrake have been linked to witches' ointments. All of these plants contain tropane alkaloids, which can cause hallucinations.
However, aside from the hallucinogenic effects, all of these drugs have rather unpleasant side effects, the worst of which is death.
Some of the nastier side effects of these herbs can be mitigated by applying them to the skin rather than ingesting it, but the problem here is that skin is very good at its job of keeping things outside of the body.
However, compounds within these herbs can be absorbed through thinner skin, like the armpit or the delicate skin of the vulva... do you see where we're going yet?
In the 15th century, de Bergamo reported "But the vulgar believe, and the witches confess, that on certain days or nights they anoint a staff and ride on it to the appointed place or anoint themselves under the arms and in other hairy places."
Note the greased staff. So now we have an ointment that gets you high, anointed on a hairy place and on a STICK.
This isn't the only account involving witches, ointments that made them go places, and sticks. We see a similar accusation made against an alleged witch in 1324...
"In rifleing the closet of the ladie, they found a pipe of oyntment, wherewith she greased a staffe, upon which she ambled and galloped through thick and thin."
Now, if that sounds a little uncomfortable and you're worried about splinters in your labia, an account from 18th century Norway suggests a different method for applying flying ointment... Siri Jørgensdatter alleged her grandmother had made her sit on a greased pig and flew.
Now, we'll say again that accounts of humping a stick to get high (and fly about) come from forced confessions under torture and hearsay, then reported by someone who really didn't like witches. But, on the other hand, whomst among us doesn't want a nice wank and a good trip?
We will leave you with this: please DO NOT try any of this at home. The plants referenced are all very dangerous, even when applied to skin. And broom handles are difficult to clean and might give you splinters.
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