Last night my toddler had an absolute screaming meltdown and I think I handled it really well and wanted to share with all the #ADHD parents out there.
We did our regular bath and bedtime routine, and while my child doesn't have a diagnosis, other adults consistently give me the feedback that she has lower listening skills, more energy/need for movement, and less focus than her peers. She also is OPPOSITIONAL AS HECK.
like, literally just won't do a thing because you told her to do it. Doesn't matter what. The other day I was hanging with a little friend of hers about the same age. I said, "Coraline, do you need to go potty?" she said "yes". I told her to pause the show and go, and SHE DID.
then I asked my kid the same question. She said, "No!" (even though she did). I said, "how about you just try?". She immediately made herself a small ball on the carpet and a power struggle ensued because if it doesn't, she will definitely pee her pants later.
I was so surprised that some people's kids just like... do what you tell/ask them? Not my kid.

But let me tell you, this kid can identify several countries on a map, name all the dinosaurs, READ WHOLE WORDS, and is like, *very* smart for her age. So anyway..
maybe she's just spirited or whatever, idk. Back to last night.

Because every single thing is a struggle, I really have to pick my battles. I don't want to be in a power struggle with my kid every single day. It's important to me that we have a lot of good connection time
and that can't happen if I'm on her about every little thing, like "don't touch that!" "stop dumping that out!" "you have to wear boots instead of sandals!" "stop climbing on that!"

gentle parenting redirects work sometimes, but not always. So I pick my battles.
maybe she WILL fall off that thing - but it's low to the ground. Can the thing she's dumping be cleaned up later? no problem. Will she learn her lesson by wearing sandals in the cold, or can she just put on socks? cool. Yes, you can wear that fancy dress to the playground.
For me, holding my ground and teaching logical consequences is most important for how we treat other people's bodies (hitting, etc), wrecking property, dangerous behaviour (running in the parking lot), and respect (please/thanks, proper pronouns, being empathetic, sharing).
Last night, I put on a song my kid didn't like in the bathtub so she threw her toys at my face. When I took the toys away, she spit water at me. I said, "you are having a hard time controlling your body in the bath. Since you can't behave in the bath right now, bath time is over"
She FREAKED OUT. She screamed as loud as she could in my face for about a straight half an hour. Like, not even crying, just SCREAMING. I wrapped her in a towel, took her in her room and kept the lights low. I asked her if she wanted to be held or wanted me to leave the room.
She wasn't able to use her words and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. In these moments, I think parents with #ADHD are at a disadvantage because when we become emotionally dysregulated we also become emotionally flooded and its hard to access logical processing.
doesn't matter how many parenting books you've read if you can't access it. So for me, the key is to go into "lockdown mode" as soon as I get a whiff of tantrum. If I go into it like a game - yes, I gamify my toddler's meltdowns - I can stay completely calm and centered.
If I had something I wanted to get back to or can't pull my attention completely into the situation, it's SO MUCH HARDER for me to not be reactive and find the right way to deal with the tantrum. I have to completely release all expectations. Dinner on the stove gonna burn.
Nobody is watching any shows tonight. No dog is getting walked, no email is getting returned. If I can transition my expectations to the idea that I can't do anything but BE HERE, I can get into the headspace where a toddler full screaming in my face is like, no big deal at all.
The game is a strategy game, like any other. For every action my toddler takes, I access my mental database, ask the question "what need does she have/what skill is she lacking?". I get curious and get into problem solving, and the screaming/freaking out doesn't bother me
(although tbh a pair of Loops is probably in order cause I've got a bit of on and off tinnitus in one ear and the screaming really reactivated it)
anyway, so there I was, in a small room with a toddler at Level 10. but the thing is, she wasn't hurting herself or anyone else. She wasn't *misbehaving*. She's allowed to feel her feelings! She didn't like the consequences I imposed and she had big feelings about it.
I didn't need to control or correct her behaviour and I didn't need to manage her emotions for her. She knew I was there. I just waited it out. Eventually I just went on my phone while she screamed & threw her toys around. Then all of a sudden she just started playing with a toy
and asked me if I wanted one of her toy cupcakes.

I could have used that moment to express my frustration. I thought about it. I WANTED to say something like, "oh, now you want to talk to me? just in a better mood all of a sudden?" but I didn't.
Instead, I recognized that my child was feeling better and was making a bid to reconnect with me. I didn't want to make her feel weird or bad about her emotional outburst because I don't want to shame her for having emotions. So I simply started to play with her.
We played together for about 10 minutes and bedtime proceeded as normal. I didn't bring up her outburst or try to lecture her. I just let things be fine. We read a book about Sesame Street characters being mindful and during the book I asked her how she had been feeling
during her tantrum. She said, 'sad and mad'. I asked her if there were any ideas she got from the book on how to handle it next time and she said, 'belly breathing'. I asked her to show me how and she did. I didn't use it as an opportunity to lecture her.
This morning, while writing this thread, she's been watching cartoons in bed next to me. I paused the cartoon (and writing this thread) and reminded her of what happened in the bath last night. I asked her if she knew why the bath ended early (she did), and if she remembered why
she threw the toys in the first place (she didnt). We discussed how she could have behaved differently/got what she wanted without throwing toys. Now she's watching cartoons again. It's totally possible to parent through challenges with #ADHD, but it takes some pre-planning.

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More from @dustychipura

20 Oct
there's a lot of big talk about dopamine and ADHD, especially on TikTok. I wanna talk about some of the common misconceptions that I see about the role of dopamine in #ADHD - WITH THE CAVEAT THAT - I am not a scientist or a doctor, so if I get things wrong, someone plz correct me
First off, let's start out with what dopamine is. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter or "chemical messenger", one of several implicated in ADHD. It's associated with a feeling of anticipation of pleasure or reward. It does various things in the role of movement, learning etc
Here are some common misconceptions or not-quite-right things I've heard on ND tiktok and twitter about dopamine:
Read 23 tweets
9 Sep
So I have long pondered how I can support ND people in crisis, like, those for whom coaching is not appropriate. Don't get me wrong; I think coaching is the bees knees but you kinda have to be at a certain place in your life for it to make sense for you
if you're struggling to just keep a roof over your head you don't have a lot of capacity to think about the best strategy not to lose your keys, or what you *really* want out of life and how to work with your ADHD to get there. And I've coached lots of people in crisis;
just being a presence there, being a person who supports them, cares about them and holds the space & helps them work through figuring things out when everything feels like it's on fire is a worthy endeavour, but in that situation coaching isn't helping the best it can
Read 16 tweets
20 Aug
hey #ADHD twitter, an American client has a medical problem I don't know how to solve.

This client went to a psychiatrist and was prescribed meds for ADHD. Then their insurance lapsed and one appointment was not paid for. The doctor advised the client they owed $500
which the client could not pay (but offered half). The client asked for their medical records to go to another doctor, and was refused. They were told that their medical records do not belong to them and would not be released until the bill was settled.
The client got the police involved and a police report was filed, but the client was told it was a civil matter and that they would need to get a lawyer. As a result, the client has not been able to get a prescription for their ADHD medication.
Read 4 tweets
2 Aug
Good morning! Here’s your Mon morning #ADHD basics thread:

ADHD causes an inability to “feel” time. It is said that people with ADHD have a short “time horizon”; that we can’t see very far into the future. Since we struggle both to measure time (as in, how long something takes)
And to feel the future, it can complicate a lot of things. Some examples:

- chronic lateness due to not knowing how long things actually take (like getting ready, driving somewhere etc)
- overbooking /busying oneself due to not being able to accurately judge how much time things will take up in the schedule

- not being able to work consistently toward a goal because it feels too far away and it’s in the “not-now”

- not managing time well in the moment
Read 21 tweets
1 Aug
Here’s a story for the ‘kids with #adhd tend to have social struggles due to NOT paying attention to social cues’ file (@AuthorCarolineM you’re going to love this one).

In the early 90s I was invited to my friend Gillian’s birthday. We were 9, maybe 10.
My mom took me to the mall to get her a gift. At the time I thought my big brother was just about the coolest guy in the world (he’s 7 years older than me) and that everything he liked was the best, and at that time he was really into rap and hip hop.
I had seen this @SnoopDogg cassette tape he had, and it had a little cartoon comic inside, so naturally that is what I got her. I guess my mom just… didn’t check or look at it? Because this was the comic:

google.com/amp/s/genius.c…
Read 7 tweets
6 Jul
I think one thing people forget about #ADHD is that it creates a variable capacity. People don't understand how someone can be so high-performing and then the next time, forget something completely basic and important or make a really careless mistake.
This also has ramifications for the person WITH ADHD... imagine thinking "i've got this! I've done this before!" and then goofing up big time in a way that is frankly embarrassing and just... not being able to explain how that happened 🤷‍♀️
In a sense you know; you can look back and realize, "I was distracted", "I wasn't paying attention" etc... but it seems infathomable. To have a variable capacity costs us our relationship with ourselves because adults with ADHD come to mistrust their own capacity.
Read 15 tweets

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