Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

It's starting to become Christmas Time and that gets @Soundsaboutleft and I to thinking about the time we had to defend ourselves using Jigsawesque traps when 2 robbers broke into our humble abode.

I can't wait for a terrible reboot!!

#HomeAlone

The movie stars people andfkjsfdlfas...

I got into the egg nog early, so, fuck it. We're skipping to the plot.

So our horror film starts with a catchy as hell tune that plays throughout.

It's pretty legit.

We start out in a RICH as hell neighborhood where a bunch of privileged as hell people ignore a police officer.

It's anarchy as people rush to ignore a cop, yell nonsense, and basically embrace anarchy in Chicago.

We start with Kevin's Mom (Kate) talking on the phone ...oh god. Life before cell phones. People talked instead of texting.

Kate is busy ignoring her child and then siding with her...brother...brother-in-law? I Don't know. The uncle is a creep.

John Heard (RIP) plays Peter, the father.

He comes in to give hints they're going to Europe.

Again. Privileged.

Kevin talks to his dad, but his dad Boomers the shit out of raising his kid and tells him to fuck off and go clean his toys.

We also find out that Kevin likes to make ornaments with fish hooks and holy shit the last act of this movie makes total sense now.

Kevin's dad tosses him to Kevin's aunt because, ya know, raising your kid is a pain in the ass.

The aunt tells him to go pack his suitcase.

The cop desperately tries to get the attention of anyone in the house and they all ignore him.

It's like they don't back the blue.

Kevin talks to Pete from Pete & Pete and Kevin asks how to pack his suitcase.

Then every other kid SHITS all over Kevin because he can't pack his own suitcase.

For fuck's sake. He's 8!

I would just like to point out I have NO FUCKING CLUE which kid is Kevin's sibling besides Buzz.

This movie does NOT give a shit about distinguishing them in this cacophony of noises, abuse, and neglect.

We cut to Buzz and his cousin? looking at his tarantula.

Buzz wants to go to a nude beach in France and is told it's winter...so no.

Buzz. You have a girlfriend. That's not ...you're the worst.

Kevin comes into Buzz's room and Buzz is just...awful to him.

Like there's sibling rivalry and there's calling your little brother a phlegm-wad as soon as you see he exists.

We continue to see Kevin get shat all over by everyone and, honestly, his later actions make more sense.

We hear a noise and Buzz and others look out at an older gentleman who is shoveling snow and Buzz says that the old man is a butcher who murdered his family.

Kevin seems to be taking notes and, gotta say, I sorta get it, Kevin. Your family sucks ass.

Buzz relays a "The Burbs" like story in more details and I'm pretty sure I shat myself as a kid hearing this story.

I also had stomach flu, but that's coincidence.

We then cut to a pizza delivery guy who comes roaring in to slam into a lawn ornament.

We see he has 20 minutes or less to get there and...this is why they ended that practice. People actually died from it.

Inside the cop is trying desperately to find out information and...why hasn't any god damn adult noticed an adult male in their house for at least 20 minutes.

The pizza guy barges in and demands money.

The uncle grabs the food and runs away without paying because he's a pile of shit.

Peter comes downstairs and FINALLY the cop can talk to an adult and pay for the pizza.

The cop then acts suspicious as hell and Peter is a sucker who believes some random asshole in his house saying he's a cop.

The cop only seems interested on when they're leaving AND PETER JUST WALKS THE FUCK AWAY LEAVING AN ADULT STRANGER IN HIS GOD DAMN HOUSE!

We then see that Frank (the uncle) is a cheap POS and Peter calls his ass out.

They also got 10 pizzas. One was cheese, but Buzz is a piece of shit and ate it all. Because everyone in this household is a garbage person.

Like I 100% get why Kevin would later be happy they all disappeared forever.

Buzz is a total dick and Kevin lashes out. Things get knocked over and the Uncle is a MASSIVE piece of shit and calls Kevin a jerk.

I would deck anyone who called my kid that.

Like poor Kevin. He's 8 years old and everyone just shits on him and treats him like garbage and ignores him and yells at him.

Like FUCK THIS FAMILY.

They're all terrible, terrible people.

The best thing that could happen for Kevin is for them to all die and he get a trust.

The rest of the family shits on Kevin and his mom and dad are like "LOL...abuse our child."

Then they pay off the pizza guy and the cop creeps on them and the Mom is cool with a random asshole pretending to be a cop and..

DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE ANY SITUATIONAL AWARENESS?

Kate drags Kevin upstairs and shits all over him and makes him go into the attic.

He's like "Go up there so we can forget about you."

Oh, and Kevin is like "Don't send Fuller in here...he pisses on everything."

Kevin says "Everyone in this family hates me."

His mom is like "Ask Santa for a new one you piece of shit. I HOPE WE LEAVE YOU HERE SO YOU DIEEEE!"

Kevin calls his shit family out and is like "I legit hope you all fuck right off."

Kevin goes upstairs and HEY. There's the Chicago Flag on the ceiling...in this attic.

Kevin then has a fantasy his family disappears.

An evil moon hears his wish and grants it, but it whispers "But you must do evil for me in return."

Kevin seems to accept because a massive wind storm rips through this rich ass neighborhood and a tree branch knocks out the power.

Apparently these people sleep through A GOD DAMN EXPLOSION.

The next morning the airport transportation people are knocking on the door after they knocked over lawn ornaments.

Is everyone in this city an asshole?

Kate wakes up and they realized they slept in.

They all rush around in a panic trying to get ready.

Meanwhile, some asshole neighborhood kid (Mitch Murphy) goes up to the transport people and WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The airport transport guy should DDT his ass.

Inside we see more screaming, anarchy, etc.

Back outside the asshole kid is annoying the transportation guy.

So...this kid is out at 9am and talking to strangers and holy fuck parenting was terrible back when.

The kids all line up beside the van as the asshole neighbor GOES THROUGH THEIR GOD DAMN BAGS AND TAKES OUT SHIT...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GOD DAMN PEOPLE???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile...someone (Kevin's sister, cousin, who the fuck knows) counts all the kids and doesn't notice one of the kids was the god damn asshole neighbor kid.

I think he's Robocop's son.

hahaha...because Robocop's name is Murphy!!!

Meanwhile, Frank (the pos uncle) talks shit as Peter tries to get everyone out and lock the door.

Peter goes "I HOPE THAT TOTALLY REAL COP FROM LAST NIGHT DOESN'T ROB THE HOUSE WE LEFT OUR KID IN!"

We find out the plane leaves in 45 minutes.

Kate gets into the car and asks her...daughter...niece? if she counted.

We find out she did "I included a random kid who swung by because this plot has to happen."

We cut to the family running through the airport.

You went from a rich neighborhood to the airport and through security in 45 minute?

FUCK YOU.

Not even back then was that possible. Not with luggage on an international flight.

We cut to the gate person saying "You just made it!!!"

Again...bullshit.

We see the parents are going first class and the kid's coach because these people hate their kids.

Kate is like "I hope we didn't forget our son."

We cut to Kevin waking up.

He goes looking for people and he's like "Huh. I thought we had a flight to Paris today. I guess my family disappeared because object permanence was something I never got."

Kevin turns on the TV because, as a kid in the 90s, it was a legal requirement to turn on the TV.

And, of course, it's a shitty movie because life back then was the worst.

We cut back to the flight and it's been hours. We know this because they're eating food.

The uncle is stealing the silverware because he's a POS.

Kevin's parents are chatting about how it's great that they're in first class and their kids can fuck off because "BACK IN MY DAY!!"

I don't know about anyone else, but making sure MY YOUNGEST CHILD WAS WITH ME WOULD BE MY TOP GOD DAMN PRIORITY AND I WOULDN'T TRUST THE COUNT OF A TEENAGER IN REGARDS TO THEIR SAFETY!

Like, seriously, parenting back when was just a mix of abuse and neglect.

Kevin wanders around his house desperately looking for people and hoping it's a joke.

He goes into the basement and Jason Vorhees appears to say "You don't need anyone. Butcher those who try to come into your territory."

Oh...and the furnace comes alive.

Kevin runs out and checks the garage. He's confused because the cars are there.

Kevin goes inside and is like "MY FAMILY FUCKED OFF. I JUST INHERITED MILLIONS!!!"

Kevin remembers all the abuse his family gave him and he, rightly, is excited they were murdered.

Kevin celebrates their murder by a serial killer who cleaned the house by running around excited.

It's the 90s so there wasn't much he could od.

Like he can't go on Tik Tok and brag. "It's your boy, Kev. I'm here alone. LOL!! I'm going to steal shit!"

Kevin goes through Buzz's stuff and steals from him and insults his girlfriend.

Kevin then takes teh BB gun and shoots off action figures that go down the trash shute in this rich as fuck ...wait.

Is that for trash or laundry or what the fuck??

So confusing.

Kevin then eats ice cream and watches a 1930s noir film because film noir was all the rage for an 8 year old.

The film noir movie is basically 30s gangland slaying.

It perfectly syncs up with being able to get pizza without having human contact.

Kevin freaks at the film and screams "Mom."

FUCKING FINALLY KATE wakes up and looks through her purse going "I feel like I'm forgetting something."

CAN I POINT OUT THAT NONE OF THE KIDS IN COACH NOTICED KEVIN WASN'T THERE AFTER LIKE 7 HOURS!!

NOT A SINGLE GOD DAMN PERSON NOTICED KEVIN WASN'T THERE. NONE.

HOW DO YOULAJFGDSLKJ

HOWWWWWW!!!

Fucking finally Kate SOMEHOW KNOWS KEVIN WASN'T ON THE FLIGHT EVEN THOUGH SHE HASN'T CHECKED.

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU NEGLEGENT MONSTER??

We cut back to kevin using a sled to go down the stairs and outside. The angle is such that he'd smack into the god damn wall, but this is a movie.

Oh and he does this for fun instead of internet clout. The 90s sucked.

We cut to the parents pretending like they care that their kid isn't there.

Only Kate seems to give a shit.

She's like "What kind of mother am I?"

A Boomer

BOOOM. TAKE THAT OLDER GENERATION!

But, no, seriously, parenting is different now. In some ways better, in some ways worse.

The not abandoning your kid as you fly internationally is...I"m going to say in the "better" column.

We cut to Harry and Marv in their creep van watching all the security lights come on.

So not a single person checked to see if the creepy looking cop was legit?

Oh...and all of them have light timers that go off within a minute of each other?

Harry is like "Kevin's house is the house I really want to hit. I mean it looks exactly like all the other expensive houses."

These are the wet bandits.

They get ready to break into the house AND NO ONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD NOTICES THIS CREEP VAN WITH 2 GUYS WITH CROWBARS??

God damn people ignore their neighborhood like it's their kid.

Kevin wakes up as Harry and Marv try to break in.

Just before they can, the lights turn on.

You know they know some of the lights are on a timer. Why wouldn't they think this one was????!!

Harry and Marv would 100% have broken in, stolen shit, murdered Kevin, and go back to Harry's so his wife could make them dinner.

YEAH. HARRY IS MARRIED!

We cut to Paris and they all run through the airport knocking people over and screaming "OUT OF OUR WAY, WE'RE AMERICAN!"

Kate then goes up to some woman on a payphone and beat the fuck out of her so they can make a call on a payphone.

Life back when sucked.

Kate's like "I'm going to call the police. Let's book flights home during the god damn holidays. You know I could just be the one who goes home, but I HATE MY FAMILY AND YOU HAVE TO SUFFER WITH ME!!"

No. Seriously. God damn explain to me a couple things. 1) Why does everyone else have to leave when only the god damn negligent parents should be the one who leave and 2) How god damn expensive will last minute, international flight tickets cost for a dozen people?

Kate then gives her...hahaha...address book. God, life was dumb back when.

She gives it to the aunt to call people on their street.

Meanwhile, Kevin sacks up and goes outside screaming "COME AT ME, BRO!!!"

Then the old guy who murdered people appears and says "Butcher your family and live the good life like me."

Kevin runs inside to start his Jigsaw training.

We cut to the police department and Kate is like "I left my kid at home because I'm a terrible mom. Can you send a cop over."

The cops are like "LOL. You left your kid at home. That's fine...it's like 1990. Who cares about raising your kid?"

So the cops and neighbors and EVERYONE is awful in this universe.

Kate asks if they'd send a cop over and they're like "LOL...why would we go do that? Do you think we're supposed to protect and serve?"

Meanwhile, we find out EVERYONE ON THEIR GOD DAMN STREET LEFT FOR HOLIDAYS.

BUUUULLLLLLSSSSSHIITTTTT

Kevin is then hiding and we hear a knock.

A Chicago cop (we can tell because he has teh chicago flag on his uniform) hammers on the door for about 3 seconds, glances at the window...and leaves.

WAY TO PROTECT AND SERVE YOU LAZY ASLDKFJLK;SDFJ

Meanwhile, Peter is trying to get a flight home and it's all booked.

They're so god damn privileged that she asks for a private plane.

It turns out the next flight is Friday.

Why not let the family enjoy while you try and do something yourself...negligent parent!

I can not emphasize enough how god damn terrible these people are as parents.

And how god damn terrible the family is that NO ONE NOTICED THE 8 YEAR WAS MISSING FOR LIKE 7 HOURS!

We cut to Kevin giving us exposition about...nope. Not going to say and get put on a list.

Basically, he's going through his day and talking to himself about going to get. toslakfdj

This kid has issues.

Though, the issue he doesn't have is understanding how to steal and how to shop.

I would say "that's insane," but parenting back when was sending your kid to get you smokes when they turned 5...so

Believable.

Kevin also destroys Buzz's room and releases the spider.

Kevin steals Buzz's cash and walks to the store and no one gives a shit.

No one cares...

Kevin then sees that a creep van is outside Robocop's house

Inside, Marv and Harry are intentionally breaking shit because they're assholes.

Luckily, the Murphy's get a call from Peter that tells them they're not home.

Oh...I THOUGHT THE AUNT ALREADY CALLED EVERYONE. WHY DID YOU CALL AND LEAVE ANOTHER MESSAGE EXCEPT THE PLOT?

Meanwhile, Kevin goes inside a store to buy shit.

A toothbrush. Kevin acts all precocious because a smart kid was novel back when because paying attention to your kids was laughable back when.

Meanwhile, the creepy old guy who murdered his family creeps up to the counter and slams his hand onto the counter with a god damn bloody wound that's just wrapped in a tissue.

WHAT THE FUCK. YOU'RE GETTING BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!!

Like what kind of asshole goes into a store with an open wound and gets blood everywhere?

He's a god damn savage and kevin, rightly, freaks the fuck out.

The old guy glares at kevin and seems to be ready to slit his throat.

Kevin freaks and runs away with the toothbrush.

The cashier is too stupid to realize he's freaking because of the old man who HAS A GOD DAMN BLOODY WOUND!

Jimmy goes to run after Kevin and narcs on him to the cops.

OH, LOOK, THE COP WILL PAY ATTENTION ONCE THE KID CAN BE ARRESTED BUT NOT WHEN THEY'RE IN TROUBLE!

Kevin learns a very vital life skill...avoiding police capture.

The fat cop falls on his ass and Kevin easily gets away and HOLY SHIT.

Kevin has run for MILES to get back home. That means NO ONE GOD DAMN NOTICED A SMALL KID BY THEMSELVES GOING THROUGH SOME ROUGH LOOKING ARESALJGFHDSUFJKL

Inside a house, Marv is a monster and floods people's houses.

Not only do you destroy their house, YOU WASTE WATER!

Harry is like "Why would you leave the water running? Don't do that...I'm too lazy to go inside to turn it off."

Meanwhile, Kevin almost gets hit by Harry as they argue.

This brings up a good question. I'm guessing that Harry would have hit Kevin and then just murdered him so that the cops don't get called.

Kevin realizes the robber was the cop from before and Kevin freaks.

Harry then stalks the young child and NO ONE ON THE STREET NOTICES A VAN CREEPING AFTER A LITTLE BOY.

I just...what the fuck

This movie exposes a serious problem in that community and explains the massive amount of missing people and murders.

It's no wonder that in this environment that Kevin grew up to be Jigsaw.

I'm not the only one to make this joke, but I do like the idea.

Kevin hides in a uh...manger scene.

Somehow he's able to grab cloth, grab a crook, and pause in about 3 seconds.

Harry and Marv piss off.

Kevin is like "When they come back, I'll be ready!"

Harry and Marv go back to the house and see a party is going.

There's poorly done silhouettes moving and...uh...man these guys are morons.

Inside we see that Kevin has set up a god damn masterpiece of animatronics with mannequins, cut outs, etc.

Like...he's 8 and he does shit I couldn't do today as an old asshole.

Harry is like "Let's come back later and leave now unless someone sees us. Even though NO ONE HAS NOTICE US BREAK INTO MULTIPLE HOUSES AND STALK A KID!"

Just...fine. Whatever.

Kevin has the ability to sense when humans have left his presence because he immediately opens the window and looks out with a smile.

We cut to Paris and everyone seems pissed that they're stuck in a Parisian home with a GOD DAMN VIEW OF THE EIFFEL TOWER????!!!

The tv shows a movie (It's a wonderful life) in French.

Why aren't you out having fun?

Look, Kevin is already dead. Enjoy Paris while you can because your parents are going to be arrested for neglect.

I kid...they'll give you parents a medal in good parenting. It's the 90s!

Kevin's...sister? talks about how sad it is that Kevin is home. Buzz doesn't care.

I like how the sister?? pretends like she cares even though she screamed at Kevin...just...the worst people.

Buzz laments that "I'm not that lucky" that Kevin will die.

You're...you're not a good person, Buzz. Even a semi-terrible brother doesn't want their kid brother dead.

We cut to the pizza guy OBLITERATING the lawn ornament again. This god damn thing is a massive bronze statue.

What an asshole.

There's a note on the door to go thru the backdoor.

Kevin then uses the film noir to perfectly have dialogue to talk to the pizza guy.

Oh...and Kevin is so good that he knows exactly how long to fastforward.

Oh, Kevin then has the sound make it so the pizza guy is being attacked by a madman with a pew pew.

The pizza guy runs away and, let me point out, it's so loud we STILL hear the firing in the front yard.

Why wouldn't he call the cops?

WHY WOULDN'T THE PIZZA GUY GET THIS PSYCHO ARRESTED???

We cut to Kate trying to get 2 old people to take a later flight with bribes.

The old guy is like "I got like 8 minutes of life left. Let's go back to our shitty home in podunk instead of staying in one of the most beautiful cities in the world."

The old guy laments after Kate pulls some crocodile tears.

Gee. A white woman who cries her way out of her problems.

That's not relevant today.

Hell. She didn't even have to falsely deepen her voice and pretend to be Steve Jobs.

Kevin then laments his family being gone...after he caused a pizza guy to almost die from a heart attack.

The next day Kevin continues to sing to oldies because...sure...the script calls for him to like music the makers of this movie enjoy.

Again. Kevin does stuff that I can't do today as an old, bitter jerk who takes movies wayyy too seriously.

We cut to Kevin doing grocery shopping and, again, NO ONE CARES.

This isn't the 1950s when kids were forced to smoke while being used in coal mines. This is like 1990.

The cashier is only slightly concerned he's shopping alone...at 8...

She's easily duped by his going "My mom is negligent and made me come in. She's in the car outside smoking and trying to find a way to abandon me."

Like seriously. What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???

EVERYONE IS AWFUL.

Oh, and Kevin paid $19 for 2 massive bags of groceries. He's got laundry soap, pizzas, bread, etc.

I want to say this isn't right, but considering you could buy a god damn Malibu mansion for 300k back then???

"KIDS TODAY ARE JUST LAZY AND WON'T WORK TO GET A NICE HOUSE!"

As Kevin is walking, the groceries (which would be like $982392 in today's dollars) all fall out of the bags.

We don't get to see the scene of Kevin screaming "FUCKKKK"

We do get to see Kevin doing laundry and holy shit this kid is good. He's never done it in his life, but he didn't screw it up.

I knew kids in college who couldn't figure that shit out.

Meanwhile, Marv and Harry are creeping outside the house and...how have the cops not been called?

And they're idiots for coming back to the same neighborhood they've hit like 3 days in a row.

Marv goes to see what's going on when he gets scared off by the film noir.

Good thing the uncle or whoever rented this film.

It makes his life so much easier.

Marv thinks he's hearing a hit and he runs away.

Kevin uses a pot and fire crackers to make it more realistic.

Uh...Kevin is terrifyingly good at this shit.

Harry is like "Let's wait and see who the killer is. If we ever get pinched, we can squeal."

Harry is a creep and a snitch.

Meanwhile, Kate has landed in some random ass town in the US and is stuck there because there's no flights out to Chicago.

The next flight is the next day.

The airline person is like "FUCKKK OFF."

Kate tries to force her way onto the flight. No one cares, Karen.

Oh, shit. They're in Scranton!

GO TO THE DUNDER-MIFFLIN PAPER COMPANY!

Kate Karents the fuck out of this shit and rants and good thing it's not today because I'd be retweeting this meltdown.

Oh...and she, apparently, won't go check to see if there's cars available.

It's an 11 hour drive. You can do that easily.

Kate is like "If I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I'll get home. I mean I won't remember my child or go check on a car, but I'll scream!"

Thankfully for Kate, John Candy is there and...oh man I love John Candy. He was the best.

John Candy offers Kate to join his bang bus and ...sorry. I meant polka van.

John Candy talks about his music hits and Kate doesn't seem to care.

"Sorry, I want to go home so I can neglect my child."

John Candy offers to drive her to Chicago and she's like "Sure. I'd love to get into a van with total strangers who eavesdrop on my conversations."

Kate will be lucky if she survives to make it home. Just saying. There were a lot of active serial killers back then.

Kevin goes outside and cuts down a god damn random pine tree like an asshole.

Harry realizes that they've been outwitted by the kid they've been stalking.

Kevin goes to decorate his Charlie Brown tree when he notices a creep staring at him from the window. He calls out for his dad, but Harry isn't fooled.

Look. I get that Kevin ran from the cops that one time and they want us to believe that's why he wouldn't call the cops, but the real reason he doesn't is because he has a bloodlust for murder.

Kevin overhears Harry's plan to break into the house.

Kevin is like "This is my house and I have to set up murder traps instead of calling the cops."

Meanwhile, Kate is being ...oof. It's bad. She's forced to...ugh.

It's awful.

John tries to shove his instrument on her, but she resists.

Oh, I'm talking about Polka music and musical instruments. I could see how you'd take that wrong.

We then cut to Kevin going by Santa's place and Kevin annoys a nice lady playing and elf and damn she's amazingly attractive.

She tells Kevin that Santa is getting into his car.

Kevin is like "I know you're not the real Santa. You're smoking, covered in puke, and seem to be at the lowest point of your life."

Kevin then gives this total stranger his address and says "I just want my family back."

Based off what we've seen before, this fake Santa will refuse to call the cops even though this child is in distress.

He gives Kevin a tic tac and then goes home to drink himself to death when his car breaking down (which it does) is the final straw.

Kevin walks home and sees another rich ass house filled with rich ass people all celebrating together with their rich assholeness and privilege.

Kevin then goes inside of a church and...well.

I'll just skip the catholic church jokes.

Inside Kevin prays in a pew that his enemies fall before him and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Luckily for Kevin, the murderer who had an open god damn wound decides to sit beside him.

AGAIN. No one seems to fucking care that 1) An old man creeps on this kid in church and 2) That this kid is by himself.

YOU KNOW HE'S BY HIMSELF, OLD MAN. YOU KNOW AND YOU DON'T CARE!

Like, seriously. This is Kevin's god damn neighbor and he refuses to find out if Kevin is...HE KNOWS KEVIN IS ALONE.

HE ALSO SEEMS TO NOT CARE ABOUT THE FACT THERE ARE ROBBERS THERE.

THIS OLD GUY DOESN'T FUCKING CARE!

The old guy just wants to chit-chat with Kevin because that's what older people like to do. Fuck...that'll be me soon enough.

Can I circle back around to the fact that Kevin's god damn neighbor here refuses to call the cops or find out why Kevin's family isn't there.

YOU ARE A MONSTER, OLD MAN!

The rumors about you butchering your family pale in comparison.

But then we find out that the old man had an argument with his son.

So, yeah, I guess it makes sense. He's such a piece of shit that he refuses to connect with his son EVEN AFTER HIS GOD DAMN GRANDDAUGHTER WAS BORN!!

Fuck Harry and Marv being the villain. This monster is the true evil. Him and Kevin.

Fuck...fuck...okay

I'm going to go drink some coffee and calm the fuck down.

Okay. I'm back. I needed something to get me through the violent 3rd act.

Okay. I'm calm.

So the old dude neglected his kid so hard his kid hates him.

So Kevin tells him "Try to make up with your kid you monster."

Anyway. They bond and then the bells ring. It's time for Kevin to go home and create a series of tortures to brutalize the robbers instead of, ya know, calling the cops.

Kevin walks in and goes "It's my house. I must murder anyone who enters."

Kevin then rolls out blueprints and holy fuck is it insane.

This kid has weaponized his house and done it in the same amount of time as it takes to cook a steak.

He waters down steps, puts down tar and nails, blow torches, micromachines, etc. etc.

IT'S A GOD DAMN HOUSE OF HORRORS

Like we laugh at the movie, but when you stop to think about it?

I'm just going to recommend the movie "Better Watch Out." (2016)

After setting up his series of tortures, Jigsaw takes out a mac and cheese dinner. I'm amazed he doesn't use it to throw in their eyes and melt it with the microwaved lava.

Harry and Marv are VERY punctual and appear at exactly 9pm.

Kevin is lucky they didn't get there early or like...really late.

Before Kevin can eat, the clock dings and he leaves behind food and milk.

So he's wasteful on top of being a killer.

Marv and Harry go in back and knock on the door.

Kevin assaults them with a pew pew.

Which...basically it causes a murderous rage inside of Harry when he gets his dick blasted away.

Continuing to prove Kevin is Jigsaw, he's ready and waiting for Marv when Marv sticks his head through the pet d...

HOLY SHIT. WE NEVER ONCE SEE A PET.

HOLD THE GOD DAMN DOOR. KEVIN AND HIS FAMILY DON'T HAVE A PET, BUT THEY HAVE A PET DOOR?

ARE YOU GOD DAMN KIDDING ME? THEY WOULD HAVE NEVER KEPT THAT IF IT WAS THERE BEFORE BECAUSE 1) WINTER 2) THEY HAVE MONEY.

My entire god damn life is a lie.

That pet door makes no sense and now everything in this movie falls apart.

Harry goes around teh front and slips on ice.

Marv goes down the basement stairs and slides down, cracking his skull from more ice.

Harry and Marv are now both crippled...

ROLL CREDITS.

Harry and Marv then have to force their way through the ice and fail several times.

Like...Harry and Marv are dead. Straight up dead or so badly injured they'd stay out on the ice until they freeze to death.

As Marv tries to break in, he realize the door is open.

As he goes into the basement, the door closes and a voice overwhelms Marv.

Marv pulls on a light, but it's attached an an iron and it falls down the laundry shute that's in the kitchen for no reason.

Meanwhile, Harry doesn't notice the BLINDINGLY RED DOOR.

He grabs onto it and is branded. He falls down the stairs in puts his hand in ice.

Harry is now going into shock from the 3rd degree burns.

Meanwhile, Marv loses his shoes and socks in tar and then steps on a nail.

Marv dies from tetanus.

Harry then goes to a different door, opens it and has his head blowtorched.

He's in so much shock he stands their for seconds.

Harry goes outside and plunges his head into the snow and now dies from 3rd degree burns on his head.

HARRY AND MARV ARE BOTH DEAD...

Their ghosts, however, refuse to give up.

Marv leaves the basement and breaks his neck on the ice...again.

Meanwhile, Harry kicks in the door into the kitchen and comes in to threaten the kid.

Harry and Marv should be the ones calling the cops now.

Marv sees an open window and, luckily for Kevin, Marv has already lost his shoes/socks.

Kevin, again, is a psychic of pain.

Kevin then taunts Harry...and hits him with glue and feathers.

Actually, in reality, the glued plastic would have suffocated Harry.

Marv, now, REFUSES to look down even though he's twice been destroyed by the floor and stomps onto ornaments and my god my skin crawls just watching this torture.

Kevin would have made a "fine scientist" to a certain 1930s/40s group of people

Kevin then taunts them more so they'd fall for another trap that's...on the floor.

Like Marv and Harry really should just glance up and down as they move thru this house of hell.

Kevin laughs at their misery and...let's just talk about the fact that Kevin is 100% a serial killer.

Most 8 year olds...MOST ADULTS would be freaking the fuck out if someone broke into their house.

Kevin lays traps and seems to get off on pain.

This is where we 100% get to the point where Marv and Harry would die.

As they go up stairs, Kevin tosses paint cans and it hits them in the face.

Science has proven they would have both died from these paint cans.

Like...they might have survived before, but they're dead now

Harry then threatens to...oof...I can't repeat that.

Let's just say Harry is going to torture Kevin in a ...don't look up Albert Fish, but Harry is Albert Fish.

Kevin calls the cops and pretends to be Robocop.

Kevin then runs, but is grabbed by Marv. Luckily for kevin, the spider is there and he puts it on Marv.

We then get the BEST scream in movie history from Daniel Stern.

Like...no joke. It's hilarious TO THIS DAY. Hell, just thinking about it makes me laugh.

Meanwhile, Kevin is ready to escape with a zip line, but he's waiting for Marv to his Harry with a crowbar and to ...
Wait...why is kevin waiting?

Kevin jumps out the window and zip lines to his treehouse and doesn't die from the impact ...bullshit.

Meanwhile, Harry and Marv are idiots until Kevin taunts them.

Harry and Marv then get onto the rope to...just grab...fuck it.

These guys are morons.

They begin to cross the rope, but Kevin is like "LOL. I'm going to cut it so you'll die."

Like Kevin is grinning ear to ear watching them smash into the house...Kevin is a sociopath.

Kevin then runs to Robocop's house. How...how did you get in, Kevin.

Did you break their storm cellar door earlier or?

Fuck it.

Kevin goes through teh flooded basement. It's flooded because Marv is a monster and wasted tens of thousands of gallons of water.

Also, it's winter. That water should be cold as fuck.

Kevin goes upstairs and DUN DUN DUN.

Harry and Marv are there waiting.

Harry and Marv then put Kevin up on a...hanging hook thingy on a door.

They talk about torturing Kevin and Harry is LITERALLY about to bite off Kevin's fingers.

HOLY FUCK.

Like...I get that you're angry at the torture, but biting off a kid's fingers?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Luckily for Kevin, the old guy next door FINALLY notices something is wrong and goes to save Kevin.

I mean he ignored the SCREAMS OF AGONY from next door, but once he saw a kid go over to Robocop's house...he's all alert and shit.

The cops show up and arrest Harry and Marv and the cops are like "Now we know every house you went to...they're the ones flooded by you assholes."

The cops take Harry and Marv and Marv begins to confess.

Harry screams about his 3rd degree burns, but the cops care about that as much as they care about abandon children or PRESERVING A CRIME SCENE.

The cops leave the house WITHOUT TURNING OFF THE WATER MOST LIKELY.

We then see Kevin putting out milk and cookies for Santa.

Santa sure as fuck ain't coming, Kevin. Or he better not because you probably have traps laid out for him, too, ya asshole.

We then cut to Kate in the back of the van lamenting about being a bad parent.

John is such a good guy he's like "No. You're not that bad." and then John describes how god damn horrible his colleagues are. Like they negligent and abandoned their kids.

John then ...tells a story about leaving his kid at a god damn funeral parlor.

Like HOURS later they go back and no one has noticed the abandoned kid at a funeral home.

What the FUCK.

Like this is played up for laughs, but we find out his kid was traumatized for months.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE PARENTS DOING BACK THEN THAT THEY DIDN'T NOTICE THEIR GOD DAMN KIDS WERE MISSING?

The next morning, Kevin wakes up and calls out for his family.

He goes downstairs and they're all dead from the traps he laid out.

The song from Ferris Bueller plays and credits roll

I'm kidding. His family had no interest in being there.

The truck pulls up and Kate is home.

She calls out for Kevin "KEVIN. ARE YOU HERE CHILD WHO I'LL NEGLECT IN THE SEQUEL??!!"

Kevin runs down his rich ass house in his rich ass robes to his rich ass negligent mom and she's like "Merry Xmas."

Wouldn't...wouldn't you want to go hug your god damn kid, Karen?

Like...wtf.

She says sorry and KEVIN IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO INITIATE THE HUG.

I guarantee she would have just stood there, forgot he existed, and walked off to go drink.

Kevin asks where his family is and she's like "They couldn't come."

Then they barge in...well...some of them.

I guess these are his siblings because the uncle and others aren't there...so did the uncle stay in Paris?

I have so many god damn questions.

Oh, and we find out that the flight on Friday got them there SECONDS after the mom.

You know what. I'm going to say this now. THERE'S NO WAY THE MOM DIDN'T SEE THE GOD DAMN AIRPORT TRANSPORT DROP HER FAMILY OFF.

There are like 5 or 6 of them and they appeared seconds after she did. THEY SAW EACH OTHER.

And Kevin SAWed the wet bandits.

The mom is like "I need to go get milk for my white russians" and kevin is like "I already got milk and other things since you GOD DAMN ABANDONED ME HERE!"

The dad is like "What a funny guy" about his GOD DAMN KID GOING SHOPPING ON HIS OWN.

Like...I....

THESE PEOPLE ARE GOD DAMN MONSTERS!!!!

They then ALL FUCKING LEAVE THE ROOM.

Your god damn son was left there for days and you finally see him. None of you hug him.

You all just FUCKING LEAVE the room.

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?

We then see the god damn dad pick up the god damn tooth Harry lost and the dad is like "What's this GOD DAMN BLOODY TOOTH?'

Did the dad take a blow to the head, too?

We then cut to Kevin looking out and seeing his neighbor's son and grandkid there hugging and shit.

Kevin smiles because he helped ...bring this family together overnight.

FUCK FUCK.

Okay peep this. The old man either 1) Talked to them at the church or 2) Called them

And the son was so willing to forgive he immediately reconciles.

SO THIS OLD BASTARD DIDN'T SEE HIS GRANDDAUGHTER HER ENTIRE LIFE OVER SOMETHING THEY FIXED IN A MINUTE CONVERSATION?

SO HE HAS MISSED YEARS OF HER LIFE BECAUSE HE WAS TOO GOD DAMN STUBBORN TO APOLOGIZE TO HIS KID?

YOU'RE THE WORST!!!!

Oh, and let's not forget that Kevin had to clean up BLOOD AND BURNT BODY PARTS.

There's no way there wasn't sloughed off skin and shit.

And WHAT ABOUT THE GOD DAMN TAR ON THE STAIRS AND THE SHOES AND THE SOCKS AND THE BLOODY FOOTPRINTS?

WHY DIDN'T ANY OF THEM GOD DAMN SLIP AND FALL ON THE GOD DAMN STEPS KEVIN ICED OVER AND THAT OBLITERATED HARRY?

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE BROKEN PIECES OF GLASS?

WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO WITH THE BLOODY PAINT CANS?

HOW DID HE MISS THE GOD DAMN TOOTH BUT CLEANED UP ALL THE OTHER BLOOD?

We hear Buzz scream "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?'

So Kevin had time to set up torture devices and clean up blood, but not enough time to clean up Buzz's room?

fuck you

Well, that was Home Alone. It's a Christmas classic that totally isn't the origin of a serial killer who took great joy in hurting people due to negligent from his parents.

And before we pretend like the parents aren't also villains, remember they do this shit again in the sequel.

Seriously, people, pay attention to where your god damn kids are.

@threadreaderapp unroll