Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Not a lot of people know this, but @Soundsaboutleft and I went to wizarding school. Uh, we didn't last long.

Turns out "practicing the dark arts" on week one was seen as a bad thing.

If they didn't want us to learn this shit, they shouldn't have put it in the forbidden section.

Harry Potter is a billion dollar franchise. You know what it's about. You know who is in it.

Or you don't.

If you don't you're such a muggle...which is like...the wizarding slur for 99.99% of the population.

Yeah...they're bigots.

Look. I'm not saying that humanity should band together to hunt down the secret wizarding world, but...

Let's just say we should resurrection Cotton Mather.

Oh. And if I recall correctly, they changed the name to Sorcerer's Stone because they thought Americans are too dumb to know what a Philosopher's Stone is. I mean, they're not wrong, but words hurt.

We start out with some boss ass music and a sign . Privet drive. Wait, did they misspell private in a billion dollar franchise? Weird.

An owl is on the sign and it flies away to go turn into a wizard.

Weird episode of manimal.

This is Professor Dumbdoor. Beside him is a cat. This is Professor Catlady.

Professor Dumbdoor uses a device to "steal" the light from all the streetlights because he's going to commit crimes or something.

Just use a rock, asshole.

Professor Dumbdoor talks to the cat as if he'd never talked to her before so that the audience can go "Oh, that's Professor Catlady."

And they talk about how Baldandmore the wizard got got by a baby because he's a punk ass wizard who suckkkkkkksssss.

Haggard comes flying over in a motorcycle and lands with a baby.

What? Baby?

YOU KNOW WHO!!!

They're forcing this poor kid to be raised by his abusive relatives because Dumbdoor hates Harry. Oh, he'll pretend otherwise, but he mostly is doing this kind of Thunderdome shit to cripple his self-confidence/fill him with a need for revenge just in case Baldandmore comes back.

We get even more dialogue that tells the audience stuff so the people who read the books can scream THAT'S HARRY POTTER!!!!!!@

And swing on each other.

We cut to the future and Harry should be taken away by the British version of CPS.

Is it called Willy Wonka Looky After Ministry of Child Protecting?

I don't know. I'm an idiot.

We then find out it's his cousin Dummy's birthday. He's an annoying little bastard who is 100% going to get choke-slammed in high school...or not. I don't live in England.

They cut to the zoo and we find out that Harry knows how to talk to snakes, lawyers, politicians, and other slithering things.

OH MY GOD THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED SLYTHERIN!

Then Harry Potter tries to murder his terrible cousin by sending a snake after his ass.

The snake, though, just wants to piss off and each a pre-K class called the Wizzy Wozzy Emporium Class of Zoo Wickets.

Harry's Uncle...abusive dickbag...is real pissed at Harry because 1) The neighborhood outside their front door is fake and 2) Harry is a drunkard...wait. He's a jester? A joker? A midnight toker?

He's something.

This owl brings them the mail. In it Harry gets a letter that tells him he's invited to...juggling school? Dance school?

I don't know. It's not important and will never come up again.

Can I just take a moment and actually praise the acting talent of Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson?

They're all insanely talented, even at a young age.

Uh...I'm going to stop all praising from now on because this is me.

His cousin grabs the letter because he's a jackass and gives it to Uncle Abuser.

The Uncle is like "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, HARRY!"

Then tears up a ton of letters.

Oh, did I mention they force poor Harry to live under the stairs.

I know how that ends up

Then we see this damn neighborhood gets infested by owls.

I mean those poor neighbors. It's not their fault Uncle Abuser is a fuckbag.

They have owls shitting on their cars and eating their pets all because of Harry needing to be able to read a letter.

Just send him a text or some shit.

I don't care if this is set in like 1981.

You're god damn wizards. There has to be a better way. Apparate a letter into his shithole stairroom.

But wizards are dbags and they don't care what happens to <slur for the rest of us>.

Uncle Abuser tries to scare off the owls but they don't give a fuckkkkkkkkkk.

Oh...and they send Harry all kinds of letters. Each one nastier than the la...oh shit. They're ransom notes.

Uncle Abuser is now excited because there's "no post on sundays."

Pfft. Like those scoundrels known as wizards obey human decency.

BRING BACK COTTON MATHER!!!!

THAT'S WHEN ABOUT 10 BILLION letters go inside the house and destroy it.

I mean they're raining down like fire from the heavens.

The wizard who did this has got to be shitting themselves with laughter.

"Did you hear I sent 2398239828392 letters to Harry Lotter's house so his dbag uncle can't stop him?"

"What if his uncle takes him to an island shack he somehow has access to??"

"Shut up! Avada Kedavra!!!!"

Yeah...they went to some shithole shack on a tiny island because...somehow they have access to this because...plot reasons????

Inside the shack Harry draws a birthday cake when the door greats broken into by Haggard.

He's like "You're an asshole, Uncle Abuser!"

Haggard is like "LOL. I'm from the wizarding world. I swear. I'm going to take you away from your terrible family here. Just..."

THIS IS HOW THOSE CRIME SHOWS START!!!!!

Haggard hands HP a crappy cake and then uses an umbrella to start a fire.

This is for him to exert dominance and to distract from his awful baking skills.

Haggard is like "LoL. Good thing your terrible, abusive relatives told you about being a wizard."

HP is like "I"m just Harry."

Haggard is like "You're a rich asshole, Harry!!!"

Look. I'm not saying we should get the wizards before they get...

RESURRECT COTTON MATHER!!!!

HP finally gets his letter and it's like "Welcome to our private school. We hope you have access to money because this shit is expensive. Yeah...we're snobbish assholes."

We then find out that Aunt Abuser is just a bitter, jealous ..uh...monster.

I have relatives like that woman. Just...awful people.

HP's cousin is so one dimensional that he steals HP's cake so that Haggard can misuse magic on a <slur for humans>

BRING BACK COTTON MATHER!!!!

Uh...sorry.

Just not a fan of a small, secret group of people who abuse their powers and looks down upon the rest of us.

*coughs*

Yeah, good thing that doesn't exist in our modern world.

*coughs*

We cut to HP having been taken by a guy that's like...9 foot and no one looks at him.

I guess they use magic to make him look like he's 5'11.

They go to some London wizard place called...The Wizard's Drinky Drink Drunk.

Haggard walks in and screams 'I HAVE HARRY POTTER HERE!!! THE MOST FAMOUS WIZARD IN EXISTENCE AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS INCLUDING THOSE WHO WOULD DO HIM HARM FOR BALDANDMORE!!"

Then we're introduced to Professor Baldandmore's servant.

He's the defense against teh dark arts teacher. Which should just be called the "You're fucking dead" job at Asswart's School of Wizarding and Witchery.

They then use the dumbest means of going into a secret alley.

IT'S IN THEIR GOD DAMN SPECIAL DRUNK BAR. YOU DON'T NEED A WALL THAT MOVES OVER 15 SECONDS EVERY TIME ANYONE NEEDS TO GO SFDJLKF

Who cares.

This is diagonal avenue. It's a tiny as fuck street filled with

BRING BACK COTTON MATHER!!!!!

THEY'RE ALL IN ONE SPOT. YOU CAN DO IT, COTTON!!!!

A bunch of kids look at brooms and wizzy wots and blippity blops and poopy poops.

HP is like "How do I buy this stuff? I'm broke."

Haggard is like "You have money in that goblin bank...oh god I hope this isn't a horrible reference."

I'm not going to look too deeply into this.

They go into the bank and Willow is in there.

Haggard is like "We're here to get HP enough money to make it rain and also HERE'S A SPECIAL THING THAT I'M GOING TO USE NON-SUBTLE HINTS THAT IT'S IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!"

*breaks table*

THIS ISN'T THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE!!!!

They then take harry to his bank and we find out that wizard's are the reason why we had to go off the gold standard.

They took it all...bastages.

Uh...and globalization doesn't exist.

They then go into a "STAND BACK" vault and Haggard grabs the philosopher's stone that can make you immortal if you chug down stone juice.

Which is cooler than gold from lead.

Haggard takes harry shopping until he's like "LOL. I gotta go do something secret. You, vulnerable kid who has no clue about the wizarding world, go in there by yourself while I DO WINK WINK PHILOSOPHER'S STONE SHIT!!!"

Inside a weirdo clerk named...Oleander? He starts to sing:

Then he's like "grab this wand...yeah...wave it around. I like that."

Dude is a freakkkkkk.

He's there to have HP try out overpriced wands that the poor wizards can't afford because they live in a helllish culture where the eliteohh...god that's just our world.

Oleander is like "IT'S THE REASON...WHY YOU'RE HERE!"

He takes out Baldandmore's companion wand is like "LOL. I BET YOU CAN USE THIS ONE. THIS ISN'T AT ALL A PLOT POINT IN LATER E...

*vomits up plot convenience*"

I like how we find out that HP is basically the Rye in The Last Jedi...

But there's no ...oh god.

WHy am I talking about that terrible series?

Oleander is like "WE DON'T SPEAK BALDANDMORE'S NAME BECAUSE WE'RE BASICALLY KIDS!"

No, seriously. It's a name. You...oh god. People do that shit these days, too.

Fuck it.

we're all

BRING BACK COTTON MATHER!

We find out that HP's parents got got by Baldandmore long ago.

Haggard is like "Let me spin ye a yarn. Not all wizards are good. They call humans muggles and...wait..shit. Okay, we're assholes, but they're bigger assholes."

Baldandmore = Wizard Hitler who gets brought down by an infant

I like how Baldandmore is around and everyone is like "Hmm...maybe we should put effort into finding out how to counteract his spell. Like...there's a block for every other spell but..."

That's when the plot convenient monster walked in and punched them in the stomach.

Turns out that Baldandmore wasn't able to bring down an infant...maybe because

DANCE MAGIC DANCE!!!!!

THAT'S THE SECRET HARRY. DANCING!!

The next day Haggard leaves HP to find the god damn secret train THAT HE DOESN'T TELL HIM HOW TO GET TO EVEN THOUGH HE FUCKING KNOWS HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE SLFKDJLKASDJL;KJFS

FUCKJASDFLGKDL;GJ
DSFAJKLJFAS
LDJKFJ
SDAFJLKASJD

YOU'RE THE WORST HAGGARD!

Harry goes up to some dude and is like "How do I find this secret wizard spot"

And the guy is like "YOU WOT???"

Luckily for HP, the Weasels walk by TALKING ABOUT WIZARD STUFF OUTLOUD!

Otherwise, HP would have missed his train and this whole franchise would have been fucked.

Turns out Run Weasel is there to go to Hagwart's, too.

And you have to run the fuck into a wall to get to the spec...

So in the how ever many years, no hooligans ran into the wall there?

I call bullshit.

Oh, look. A train that NO HUMAN CAN SEE EVEN THOUGH IT GOES AT LEAST A HUNDRED MILES BECAUSE

*gets knocked the fuck out by the plot monster*

Luckily for HP, Run has no friends either.

He's like "I'm Run Weasel. I hope you're not a famous wizard."

Then there's this woman selling shit and HP buys it all up because he hates other kids.

I feel you, HP.

Then we find out there's weird ass candy, including a jelly bean that can taste like anything.

That means this company makes a flavor that tastes of asshole.

BRING BACK COTTON MATHER!!

Also, for some reason, wizards like to animate their food so they can enjoy eating a living thing.

Also, turns out that photos/paintings are living things.

Which means if you're pounding off at home, you better hope you have no photos present.

That's when HerYelle walks in.

She's like "Neville Longbottom lost his toad. HE'S THE TRUE HARRY POTTER AND HARRY POTTER IS A DISTRACTION. THIS IS MY FAN THEORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT!!"

She then annoys the shit out of them.

She's like "You're trying to do magic...let's watch you embarrass yourself because I'm insufferable as a character at first."

I like how their spells are like "Oculus Repairo."

And "Asseth Flato" and "Poopeth Backupbutteth."

Then she goes "We're going to be a Hagwart's soon. Get into your robes or Haggard will chokeslam you."

Haggard takes the first years going "The youngest and most vulnerable into the god damn boats and hope you don't fucking drown because I'm not fishing your corpse out of the water."

Also known as "Dramatic reveal of the wizard castle."

As they go across the water, Haggard keeps screaming "YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY!!" over and over again.

He even drowns one kid who wasn't paying attention to this.

At least this movie only spends a few seconds on the castle instead of the 2983982392 hours Star Trek spends on the Enterprise.

The kids go inside and are immediately hammered by Professor Catlady.

She's like "You're gonna get sorted by a hat that knows you better than you know yourself. Yeah. Your god damn future is based off shit it decides when you're like 10. FUCKKKK YOU!!!!"

We also find out that the houses have points.

You can gain and earn it.

Then she goes "BUT THIS DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER BECAUSE HP IS HERE AND DUMBDOOR WILL ALWAYS LET HIM WIN."

No, seriously, they completely ruin the whole point system.

The rest of the houses should just shit all over everything the whole year because there's no fucking point.

Griffindoor could be behind 23985293 points and drunk Dumbdoor would go "8 billion points to Griffindoor because HP ate a sandwich this morning."

Fuck Dumbdoor and his god damn game of building up only Harry.

Like those poor kids in Hufflepuff and shit. They're Hufflepuffs and they'll get to tell their kids. "Yeah, we had no chance of winning. We should have, but Harry once tripped and Dumbdoor gave him 2398239239 points for that. I'm glad Dumbdoor was killed by Snape."

You know this brings up some interesting questions since this is set in the 1980s.

This means the wizards didn't give a shit about the miner's on strike or the AIDS epidemic or anything.

Wow...they're just the worst.

BRING BACK COTTON MATHER!

Wait...wait was I talking about?

Oh, right. We then meet the highlight of this movie. Draco NameMeansHesMean.

He's basically a

Just look at the stache and get my point.

Draco is basically a rich kid in our world.

So...

Yeah

They go inside of the great halls of fire.

Inside they needlessly have floating candles and a bewitches ceiling because they like to flex.

The first years are lined up and Catlady screams "YOU BETTER FUCKING HOPE THIS HAT DOESN'T FUCKKKKK YOU OVER ELSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN HOUSE ASSHOLE!"

Dumbdoor then goes "You can't go into the dark forest because THAT'S NOT A PLOT POINT AT ALL."

Then he punches Haggard in the gut when Haggard screams "I PUT THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE IN YOUR OFFICE."

Dumbdoor then goes "Here's more places that'll be a plot point later on you shouldn't go to."

Then Dumbdoor snaps the back of a Ravenclaw and eats their marrow while screaming "8 billion points to Griefingdoor!!'

Then he chokes out a Hufflepuff and goes "10 trillion points to Griefingdoor!!"

Then he DDTed a Slitheringend and screams "A goggle points for Griefingdoor!!!"

Then we get the sorting hat.

It determines your future.

OH, and we find out that all the evil wizards went to Slitheringend.

JUST BURN EVERYONE THE HAT SORTS INTO THAT. PROBLEM SOLVED!

Dumbdoor can give Griefingdoor points for it.

Hahaha....this hat is great.

It shits all over the Weasels like "God damn. Mrs Weasel must think her womb is a god damn clown car. Can they just stop shitting out kids for one minute???"

Harry demands the hat to not put him in Slitheringend because he befriended a Weasel who talks mad shit about Slitheringend.

Harry should have been put in there, become friends with Draco, and they could have created a...

Wait. That's Star Wars The Last Jedi Again.

Can I point out that Dumbdoor is beyond happy HP goes into Griefingdoor?

He screams out "10 BILLION POINTS TO GRIEFINGDOOR FOR THE HAT PUTTING HARRY IN IT!!"

Then they get a feast like in Hook.

It magically appear.

OH GOD. They're all starving children who are pretending they're eating.

This isn't a wizarding school. It's an orphanage and Harry has just broken mentally.

We then see Alan "ONE OF THE GREATEST ACTORS EVER" Rickman.

He's Professor Snapsback.

He hates Harry because he wanted to fuckkkk Harry's mom.

He's jealous Harry came out of where he wanted to go.

Then we get a bunch of asshole ghosts who just float around and shit because the wizarding world is weird as fuck.

Ugh. Those ghosts can watch you pound off.

After dinn...you know.

These kids haven't had a chance to user the shitter.

They should all be bolting for the bathrooms in their common rooms, but, instead, they go into their rooms.

Do...do wizards have a spell to not shit?

I bet they do. Shittus Nomoreus!

They go upstairs and, luckily, all of their stuff has been put away by slave labor. No...it's literally slave labor we find out later.

Wizards are the god damn worst.

I'm fucking ranting about the wizarding world.

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

Give me a spell. Lifeus Needus.

The next day, HP and Run are late as fuck because...reasons??

WE NEVER FIND OUT WHY?

Did...did the others laugh that they were still sleeping and were like "Good luck on your first day, shitheads."

No. Wait this was there so we canufihgsfdilkj

The next class is Alan Rickman storming in and being just the best thing ever.

"FUCKKKK ALL OF YOU. ESPECIALLY YOU HARRY. I WANTED TO FUCK YOUR MOM AND YOUR DAD BEAT ME TO IT!!!"

Then he screams out "I'M GOING TO KILL DUMBDOOR!!"

We then find out that Rickman can teach you potions that all sound awesome as fuck.

I need to stop to make a point. These little bastards are all like "Classes are lame."

That works on shit like geography. That doesn't work when you learn HOW TO BE IMMORTAL AND TO GOD DAMN GANK PEOPLE!!!

Like Harry has all these books and didn't read any of them.

The god damn book has spells and shit in it that could teach you all kinds of stuff, but you're too busy going 'HOLY FUCK. JELLY BEANS!!'

Are you Reagan???

We then watch a kid try to turn water into rum because he has a drinking problem.

Wait...did that kid just try to one up JC with rum instead of wine?

It's then mail time.

Where we see dumb widgets and gadgets and dumbest shit ever.

"OH LOOK. THE WIZARD EQUIVALENT OF TECH HUMANS HAVE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T HAVE TECHNOLOGY BECAUSE..."

Wait...hahahahahahah..

Fucking loser ass wizards don't use tech. That means they can't stream!!

Enjoy your god damn chocolate frogs while I'm ordering Belgian chocolate over the internet you lame asses.

We then get broomology.

They learn to fly on brooms because riding something cool is beyond wizards/witches.

"Let's fly on a broom instead of something cool like a giant bong."

We then watch Longbo...that can't be his name.

Come on!!!

Anyway, Neville is just kinda a lameo, but he's the real harry potter according to internet posts.

LB breaks his shit and they're like "We're going to take him to the nurse for Repairo Armo."

We then get draco being draco.

HP is like "I'm going to fight you so we can be rivals."

Then Draco flies off to hide some dumb widget LB hgksfdkj

*falls asleep*

FLYING IS BORING!

Gonna skip.

I like that Draco shows WAYYY more talent than HP, but Catlady is like "You caught a widget. You're going to be on our sports team even though other kids are probably better. Dumbdoor wants you to be in everything because you're the boy who lived through his dumb speeches."

We hear Dumbdoor screaming "8239823982938293 POINTS FOR GRIEFINGDOOR!!!"

No, seriously, everyone EVERYONE does everything to make Harry's life better even at the detriment of EVERY OTHER GOD DAMN STUDENT!

I like how Harry can barely play, butaf

This god damn franchise.

They really, really, really, really like to go "It's in your blood" over and over and over again.

Just...

We then find out that the architects in the wizard world are just the biggest pieces of shit ever.

The staircases just go wherever the plot needs them to move.

OH, LOOK...FORBIDDEN AREA YOU SHOULDN'T GO LAFJSDGJADLFSJDSAF
JSDAFLKAJSDFL;KAJSDFL;KJASJDLFKJSDFKLJASFLKSD

Awwww...kitty!!

It just wants cuddles.

Harry is like "Run away and hide in his secret chamber."

But not before Hernaggy opens the door.

Man...there's an easy name to make from Filch.

Oh...and they go into the room with Cerberus.

I'm sure it has another name like Quicky Barky Bark Bark Snuggle Bitey Bite or some shit.

We then cut to some dude going "I'm going to teach you quidwitch because Catlady and Dumbdoor insist you be in everything at this school because they hate other kids.

Like. No other kid will get any of the opportunities you have because Dumbdoor is a monster. Glad he dies."

We then get the rules of WHO-FUCKING-CARESICH.

Hahaha...oh man. I know it's called a snitch, but they're supposed to catch it and...

hahahah

:

Oh, look. It's Willow again and now he's a professor.

YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D NOTICE CHRIS COLUMBUS????

In this class Hernaggy is a snob about pronunciation.

Fuck off with that.

I can pronounce potato however the fuck I want.

Again.

Your god damn books have shit on how to levitate, etc. and you little shits are like "let's chug butterbeer and eat moving frogs."

We then see Run making fun of Hernaggy.

*burps*

Who cares

Now it's Halloween and the biggest change is floating pumpkins.

You assholes need to take a page out of the great documentary: The Worst Witch

They get Tim Curry on Halloween.

At the feast we find out Hernaggy is in the bathroom crying.

Then Baldandmore's servant comes screaming "TROLLLL IN THE DUNGEON. HE SENT ME TEXT MESSAGES AND PICS OF BUTTS!!!"

Dumbdoor screams "8 million points for Griefingdoor!"

And all the students are sent to their houses, but not counted so that HP and Run can save Hernaggy.

PLOT CONVENIENCE!!!

We see a troll going "I think that Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker was a great movie."

It follows Hernaggy into the bathro...oof.

This...ugh.

Harry and Run save Hernaggy by telling her to "move" and to throw tiny bits of wood at the troll.

It's creaming "I think that the prequels are better than the original trilogy."

They then kill the troll by shoving a wand up its nose and into its brains.

They claim it's the club that knocks it out, but it was already dead at that point.

In the next shitter over, we hear Dumbdoor screaming "29839238932 points to *plop*"

Catlady comes in and sees the troll and is like "WERE YOU THE ASSHOLES SCREAMING ABOUT THE PREQUELS"

She DDTs Run.

Hahaha.

I like how Catlady is like "5 points from Griefingdoor."

We hear Dumbdoor screaming "28939389 points for Griefingdoor for losing points."

Then we hear Dumbdoor rip ass for an hour.

You know this Professor Fodder for Baldandmore brings up a question.

Did he always wear a turban or did he come back and people are like "I guess he changed his fashion sense."

We then have Alan "Red Herring" Rickman walking up and HP is like "Snape wanted to fuck my mom. Therefore he is trying to get the Philosopher's Stone."

Then an owl drops a broom onto Harry and harry is like "What could be in this GOD DAMN BROOM SHAPED PACKAGE?"

HP is a fucking moron.

No...seriously.

This dipshit is like "Wot could this broomshaped thing be?"

FUcking hell.

This is how you know Baldandmore is just the dumbest villain ever. He lost to that dipshit.

Oh. And who bought it for him? Catlady.

These teachers HATE all their students but Harry.

Bunch of dbags.

Like ever other student will remember HP as kidding all the attention and shit.

It's gotta suck to be a Hufflepuff...for more than just being Hufflepuff. ha take that!

We then cut to a don't fucking care match.

Let's skip this shit.

Harry, of course, stupids his way into winning because he has to be the one who wins everything and get everything.

The only thing you need to know is that Alan "Red Herring" Rickman is saving Harry, but Run and Hernaggy think he's trying to hurt HP when it's actually Professor MOST OBVIOUS CUCK FOR BALDANDMORE EVER!!!

But, seriously, the snitch is the dumbest rule in any game.

The REST OF THE FUCKING GAME DOESN'T MATTER.

QUIDDITICH IS STUPID BECAUSE YOU ONLY NEED TO CATCH THE SNITCH AND WIN.

This is as if kicking a 50 yard field goal automatically won you the football game.

There's no point to the rest of it.

Just...so stupid.

We then find out that Haggard can't keep a secret.

Fluffy (Cerberus) is there to PROTECT THE THING WE ALL KNOW ABOIHARFSDJKLdfslkjflkfsdj
klfj
asdjlkjasdf
lkjasdflkj

It's now Christmas and this brings up SOOOOOO MANY QUESTIONS.

So these wizards/witches believe in JC?

I mean you're celebrating his birthday instead of calling it Wizzy Wozzymas or some shit.

SO...man...soooo many things open up.

We then see them playing chess which is...basically that game in Star Wars.

Christmas morning and Santa has come.

I'm kidding. They don't believe in a magical fellow who can do things normal hum

OH WAIT.

Harry is all excited he has presents.

"This one is from Dumbdoor. It says 293845928359958ew89er98er89ew9885239849328472934723918744859283457245^28342987429383298232 points to Griefingdoor for reading this."

Harry also gets the invisible cloak and holy fuck.

Between this god damn thing and the time thing later on...the wizarding world is filled with god damn morons.

"Oy I have time travel, but only for you to study more."

"I have an invisiblity cloak, but I'll just use itaskjfldk"

Harry uses his convenient cloak to almost get caught by Filch becauseorgsjdifkljfgkdjslksadjflkasdjf

Oh..and to watch Red Herring Rickman confront Baldandmore's servant.

I like how Snape reaches out as if he knows someone is invisible around him, but gives up after one try.

Oh. Look.

I just learned a magical spell.

It's "Makeo Coffeo Againo Willo Beo Backo Ino Fifteeno Minuteso."

Harry continues to creep around Hagwarts until he's in a spot anyone could see him if they open the door. He takes off the cloak to look into the mirror.

Harry looks into the mirror and it shows him his family.

Which I'm guessing it magics it since he would have NO memory of his parents since he was like..3 months old.

The mirror gives you grand dreams of...oh

I know what it is:

Wait. So this mirror shows you your dreams...I really hope they don't let Harry see that mirror in about 5 years.

Oof.

HP takes Run to come look at the mirror

Run doesn't see HP's parents. He sees himself as being a winner.

HAHAHAHA...you're not.

Harry becomes addicted looking into the mirror to see his parents growing bored as shit as he sits on the ground.

Dumbdoor appears behind him "Back here to see hot chicks and dudes ...wait. That's me. Which is determined by...uh...oh...this is awkward."

No. Seriously. This mirror is just drugs.

SYMBOLISM!!!

Dumbdoor is like "I'm moving this mirror so you can't look into it again. Enjoy rehab, asshole. Also...238293982 points to Griefingdoor."

Hernaggy comes up and goes "I checked out this big as fuck book for light reading" and Run is like "LOL. THAT'S LIGHT. BECAUSE YOU'RE A NERD AND THAT BOOK IS BIGGGADSKLFJOIAFJSD"

*VOMITS*

In the book we get the definition of philosophe...errr...sorceror's stone.

The owner of the stone gave it up to Dumbdoor because Dumbdoor tricked his stupid ass.

They then go to Haggard's place and are like "Hey...asshole. We know about the S. Stone. Red Herring Rickman is going after it."

Then the kids go into the room and they all gag "Oh, god."

"Sorry," says Haggard, "I just ate Taco Bell."

Turns out Haggard knows how to get past Cerberus and he has a dragon egg.

OH GOD. HAGGARD IS THE UNBURNED!!!

The dragon is a Norwegian Blue...we know about them.

This is some clever shit I'm writing here.

Many years from now archaeologists will find it and go "Wow...what a dipshit."

We then find out that Draco is a peeping Tom.

Catlady appears with Draco.

She yells at them. "8 points from Griefingdoor."

Dumbdoor screams "2983982393289329 for Griefingdoor!!"

Seriously. After that first year, anarchy should reign.

The other houses know there's no point, so they could be the biggest assholes ever.

"50 points from Hufflepuff."

"Uh...we are already at 0 you dumb bitch. So fuck you you fucking slag!"

Now the kids (including draco) have detention.

Haggard lost his dragon, so he takes it out on the kids by making them almost die in the dark forest.

No, seriously, they know evil, bad shit is in there, but they're like "First year students get your dumb fuck asses in there with a guy who can't do magic. Hope there's no evil shit in that evil woods!"

So I'm flip-flopping b/w Dumbdoor wants Harry to die and Dumbdoor wants to make sure Harry is seen as a god.

They go out into the woods and find mercury on the ground. Haggard claims it's unicorn blood.

So...FUCKING HAGGARD HAS THEM OUT THERE TO FIND THE THING THAT CAN KILL UNICORNS.

Oh, sorry, "find the unicorn that was attacked."

You're just the worst, Haggard.

If Bandandmore's servant wasn't such a dipshit, Harry would have been bled out that night.

I guess we don't need to fear the wizarding world. They're all morons.

Harry and Draco run across Baldandmore eating a unicorn's bhole.

It glides toward Harry as Draco, smartly, runs away.

Harry is like "You wot???"

Luckily for Harry, a centaur comes up and is able to scare off a powerful wizard.

Because the plot requires it.

The centaur is like "HARRY POTTER MUST NOT COME TO HOGWA...ERRR...HARRY POTTER MUST GO BACK TO HAGWARTS!!"

We find out that that was Baldandmore drinking the

Wait.

I already said that.

Oh, and the centaur is like "HEY. I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF I SHOULDN'T KNOW!!!"

"WOT?"

"THE SCRIPT REQUIRED IT!!"

The centaur is then like "You're safe" and leaves.

Uh. Haggard is a dipshit who would have been owned by a weakened Baldandmore.

You're ALLL STUPIDDDDDDDDD!

If I existed in this wizarding world, I could become king.

I'd just tell these idiots that I had a spell Kingus Maximus or some shit.

Then Hernaggy like "as long as Dumbdoor is around, you'll be safe."

Gee. I wonder if something will djksfslsjaflkdf

*vomits*

HP then realizes that Haggard is an idiot and was given the dragon egg by

*falls asleep*

Basically, we find out Haggard is a dipshit and told the stranger (Baldandmore) how to get passed Cerberus.

Just...YOU'RE THE WORST, HAGGARD.

HP then goes to Catlady and they're like "Where's Dumbdoor"

Catlady is like "He conveniently left because we found out only he can keep Baldandmore away."

Catlady: "The stone is protected. Go away before I take away 8 po.."

Dumbdoor: "92832932 points for Griefingdoor!"

Then Red Herring Rickman is like "Hey...I'm giving you a reason to go to the trap door tonight."

They go back to the house room and Longbottom is just the worst.

"I'll fight you to stop you from going to do what's right."

Here's your hero, fan theory people.

A sad sack.

HP then kicks Longbottom in his face and went "I'm Harry Fucking Potter. I know the fuck I'm doing you dumb fuck fucking dumb dip shit!!"

They then go to Cerberus, who is asleep because a harp is playing.

And autoharp.

They then wait until the autoharp ends before trying to go into the door because plot convenience.

At least have Run be an idiot and knock it over.

So they all jump in and break their spines when they fall.

I'm kidding. There's a plant there and it is pure rubber.

The plant tries to eat them...oh god.

I've seen Evil Dead.

Turns out this is Devil's Asshole.

If you struggle, it strangles you...if you stop, you fall down to break your legs on stone.

Apparently there's no such thing as fall damage in this world unless you're Longbottom.

Run can't calm down because he's an idiot...so Hernaggy has to use light to get it to drop him.

Righttt.

They go into another room and there's lots of flying keys.

SORTA LIKE SNITCHES SO THAT HARRY CAN CATCH THEM.

HOW CONVENIENT!!!!!!!

*smashes table*

GOOD THING THERE'S A GOD DAMN BROOM THERE TO RIDE!!!!!!

*breaks mirror*

I'm glad each one of these challenges is suited to each of the 3 students.

I mean if it was ANYTHING ELSE, Baldandmore would have jfsfd

*vomits*

They go into another room and IT'S A WIZARD'S CHESS GAME.

GOOD THING RON KNOWS HOW TO PLAY IT SO WELL.

*farts into hand and uses it to knock self out*

Hey, Run. Why not just stand to the side and play?

No. Gotta ride the horse so you can get obliterated?

COolllll

WAIT WAIT WAIT WIAT AW;IOFJDSAJKLDFALJKAKLJJ

WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE.

There are 2 open spots. How could Professor Baldandmore's servant fill both spots?

Did he go "Chesso Winno" or some shit???

Ron points to a piece and says "D5."

D5 then automoves forward 2 spaces?

I guess in wizard's chess the first pawn move has to be 2 instead of...wait.

No.

THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. HOW DID A PAWN KILL ON FIRST MOVALEJFDLKSDJFKL;SADJLFLKJASDFLK

ALSO. EACH OF THESE GOD DAMN PIECES IS DESTROYED, BUT NOW THEY'RE WHOLE.

I EXPECT REALISM IN MY WIZARD MOVIE!!!!!!

Hey...Ron.

Ron...

JUMP OFF THE GOD DAMN HORSE. JUMP OFF OF IT. JUMP OFF THE HORSE BECAUDASKJLAJLDSJFKLJA;LKDSJF

JUST JUMP OFF YOU ABSOLUTEKJALS;DFJ

THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

WHY CAN'T THESE 10 YEAR OLDS MAKE LOGICAL CHOICES???

Apparently Wizard's chess is chess, but makes NO FUCKING SENSE AND DOESN'T FOLLOW ANY LOGICAL RULES

JUMP OFF THE GOD DAMN HORSE RUN!!!!

YOU ARE JUST SITTING THERE FOR 20 SECONDS!!!

Honestly, Harry, your life would be better if you just let Run die.

He's only going to hold you back by his dullardness.

HP tells Hernaggy to go tell Dumbdoor that they need more points.

Harry goes to confront Baldandmore.

Inside is Professor Baldandmore's Servant (PDS from now on).

PDS is trying to act all hard, but he's such a cuck.

We find out PDS has been countered by Red Herring Rickman at every step.

Harry is like "Oh, shit. I guess he's just mad at me for my mom not banging him, but not so much as to kill me. LOL."

PDS looks into the mirror to find the stone.

A voice tells him "Use the boy" and nope

I'M DONE.

I'M DONE!

HP looks into the mirror and sees himself pull the stone out of his pocket and puts it back in.

Then HP does a piss ass job of lying "I see myself getting 50 quid for my birthday."

PDS tries to act hard, but he's such a wimp.

Baldandmore is like "Let me talk to him."

Turns out Baldandmore is on the back of PDS' head.

Which means Baldandmore always sees the wrapping over his face.

Baldandmore is a half-living thing who keeps screaming "Quaid. Start the reactor!"

Baldandmore tries to make a deal with Harry.

"I'll totally give back your parents I murdered if you give me the Stone....and start the reactor."

And Baldandmore villain monologues about no good or evil blah blah.

You've heard this shit 2938923982 times.

HP is like "You liar!"

Baldandmore is like "Kill him."

And PDS loses to a toddler...hahaha...what a loser.

HP's skin burns him because Harry rubbed garlic on his hands.

What I love most about this is we find out later that a spell of reflection or some such stopped Baldandmore, but somehow Harry is able to destroy PDS becausfdj

WHO CARES. THERE'S NO POINT TO ANYTHING!

PDS loses by ...being touched by...nope.

Not finishing that sentence.

Then Baldandmore pulls a slimer on Harry and...just leaves.

Baldandmore is such a loser.

SO let's go down the list.

Baldandmore lost to an infant.

Baldandmore's servant lost to Harry touching him.

And people are so afraid of this loser they call him "He Who Cucks Behind the Rows."

Harry wakes up to Dumbdoor screaming "239829329 points to Griefingdoor!!"

Then Dumbdoor tells us Harry the denouement

The stone was destroyed, so the alchemist will die because Dumbdoor can't pay attention for 8 seconds.

If I was that alchemist I'd be like "FUCK YOU, DUMBDOOR. I'LL LET THIS GOD DAMN WORLD BURN BEFORE I LET MYSELF DIE!!"

We also find out that only those who wanted the stone but didn't want to use it could find it.

WHICH MEANS IF HARRY HAD STAYED IN HIS BED, NOTHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

Baldandmore would have just been stuck in there with a thumb up his ass.

And this god damn plot structure of Harry being the cause of and solution to everything will continue.

If they had ganked Harry at the beginning...none of the wizards who died would have died. Baldandmore would have stayed in this half-dead state forever.

So...bravo.

We also find out that PDS was burned by Harry because OF LOVEEEEEEE

Holy shit. This is the plot of Ernest Scared Stupid.

That had trolls in it, too.

So did Troll (which had a character named Harry Potter back in the 1980s).

So...no one else who PDS has ever touched has been loved.

NO ONE.

NO ONE BUT HARRY POTTER HAS EVER BEEN LOVED BY THEIR PARENTS.

What kind of shithole world is this???

Then we find out that Dumbdoor knows what earwax tastes like when he eats a jelly bean and identifies it immediately.

What the fuck kind of shit is he into?

We then come to the BIGGEST GOD DAMN THEFT IN MOVIE HISTORY IN TERMS OF STOLEN FROM THE RIGHTFUL WINNERS.

The house cup has Griefingdoor in last place.

Dumbdoor is like "LOL. We can't let my favorite house lose. So 2983 points for Run. 293829 for Hernaggy. 23982923932983223 for HP. and 2 points for that dipshit Longbottom for having a dumb name."

SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!

SLYTHERIN HAD THEIR HOUSE CUP STOLEN FROM THEM BY THAT PIECE OF SHIT DUMBDOOR.

FUCK DUMBDOOR.

FUCK THAT LYING CHEAT!

I am glad he dies.

I wish he'd died before the first book because he's a piece of shit for stealing the house cup EVERY FUCKING YEAR.

EVERY YEAR THAT PIECE OF SHIT GIVES HARRY EVERYTHING!

FUCK HIM ALL TO HELL!

Like every other god damn house should be INFURIATED that they lose because Dumbdoor favors Griefingdoor.

This piece of shit movie is like "LOL. FUCK YOU FOR DOING GOOD ALL YEAR. IT'S POINTLESS. JUST BE IN GRIEFINGDOOR!"

Fuckkkkkkk Dumbdoor and the house cup.

SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!

SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!

SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!

SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!

SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!
SLYTHERIN SHOULD HAVE WON!

So now the year is over and Harry is like "come take this owl, servant!"

Then goes to Haggard and is like "Try not to murder me anymore you big bastard."

Haggard is like "Have fun at your abusive household all summer."

Then hands Harry a photo album with his parents photo in it.

It moves...

Which...aren't those pictures like...psuedo-alive?

Shouldn't they be able to talk to him and be like "Eat your peas, Harry."

They get on the train so Harry can go back to his shitty life during the summer.

Enjoy not eating for 3 months, Harry.

Well, that was Harry Potter 1 and it's a fun movie, especially for younger people.

It has it's flaws and problems, but there's a reason this franchise made like 23892389 billion.

its*

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