Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Not many people know this, but @Soundsaboutleft used to be scientists. Once we were stationed in Antarctica and...the fear and paranoia gripped us...

Mostly because a shape-shifting alien was eating people and turning into them.

The Thing (1982) is the perfect remake. It took a previous story and did something different with it (granted...it was based off a story, but...it did its own thing with the source material).

It is the best horror movie hands down.

It stars Kurt Russell and @ImKeithDavid

Keith David legit might be one of my favorite actors ever. He's just...perfect in this.

Don't get me wrong. Kurt Russell absolutely kills it, too.

...I just LOVE this movie.

It was directed by that incredible director/writer/musician @TheHorrorMaster John Carpenter.

Did I tell you how much I love this movie???

Let's dive into the perfect horror film. It's...I can't describe how much I love it because I'm too dumb to know how to string together enough words to convey how brilliant it is.

The only big flaw in this movie is the beginning where we see an alien ship coming to earth. From what I understand, it was forced upon them by the studio because studio execs are the worsttttttt.

We start with intense music playing as we see a winter wonderland in the winter of our discontent...1982.

A helicopter is flying over this hellish land. A men is looking for something.

Turns out these dudes are hunting dog for sport.

That's not cool. We're told you should use a helicopter to hunt down caribou.

They continue to pew pew at this doggo and they...uh...they suck at shooting. I mean I can't imagine many people are good at sniping from a helicopter, but they have the infinite ammo glitch on. Why not aimbot?

We see they're heading toward the American science base thingy.

We see Americans playing ping pong and ...getting hammered.

HELL YEAH!

MacReady is playing chess with a chess wizard computer and getting drunk.

The chess computer wins...sorry. CHEATS and MacReady pours perfectly fine booze into the computer to destroy it.

This man is my hero.

We cut back to the helicopter hunt and the dog goes into the American base.

It screams out "OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!"

MacReady comes out as the helicopter lands and...he's got sunglasses and a bottle of scotch whiskey.

Again. My freaking hero.

Meanwhile, the other Americans come out to see what's going on.

Keith David (Childs) realizes it's a Norwegian helicopter and that he's one of the coolest people ever.

Then we see someone pull a pen on a boom boom.

HOLY CRAP THEY'RE THROWING EXPLOSIVES AT THE DOG!

The Norwegians finally land and the Americans are confused because they think they're getting invaded by vikings.

The doggo goes to the Americans. One of the Norwegians pulls out another boom boom, but drops it and the helicopter and the Norwegians but one go up in smoke.

Then the Norwegian completely spoilers the film for anyone who knows Norwegian.

He screams something and shoots at the doggo, but hits an American.

Everyone scatters.

Then the Americans watch as the Norwegian follows after it until he's second amendmented by Garry.

Now, MacReady is the best bro ever and hands the shot American his whiskey to take the pain away.

Again. HERO!

So they start to put the fires out and one of the Americans starts to hug the doggo.

Then MacReady basically says the "I'm too old for this shit" of 1982. "First god damn week of winter."

We cut to doc sewing up the dude who got a graze.

The grazed guy wants to know what happened with the Norwegians.

The doc says "cabin fever."

We see some other dude calling on the radio looking like he's a 70s rock DJ.

No one can communicate over the ham radio due to the weather or whatever.

Then we see the dude who was in Good Morning Miss Bliss. (Nauls)

We then see them discuss cabin fever and how it could have caused this.

We see...who is that guy? Man. I haven't seen this in a while and those who die quickly are forgotten by me.

Anyway. They're going to go fly out to the Norwegian base and see wtf is going on.

Garry (the leader who ganked the Norwegian) makes MacReady fly the doc to go find out wtf happened to the Norwegians.

Nauls and others chat as we see the doggo.

Again. Just a moment to point out how perfect this music is. Very simple, but it's intense.

We see the doggo wondering around as music blasts.

It's obviously got intent and goes into a room where we see a shadow of a man.

We technically don't know who this is. As in they intentionally used a different person, etc. to confuse who is the first the doggo interacts with.

Meanwhile, MacReady and doc arrive at a very jacked up Norwegian base.

There's destruction (fire, damaged walls, etc.) everywhere.

It looks like a battle took place there.

They see evidence of fighting everywhere.

I really wish someone would make a movie that shows the Norwegian side of this...said no one ever.

But then Hollywood loves to tell make movies that tell the background of beloved movies/characters purely to make money.

Yeah. I'm looking at you prequels. You're not necessary.

Oh...and the one where we find out how they got the plans. Yeah...I totally needed that story.

They come across a frozen body. The man had...uh...self ganked.

Like...HOW DID HE DO ALL THOSE SPOTS??

Doc is like "WTF!!!!"

Mac is like "Let's see what other cool shit happened."

We see even more random bits of destruction and evidence (all in Norwegian).

Man. I hope someone recreates how each one of these items appeared where it is in this scene.

We then see where something broke out of its icy bed.

HOLY CRAP. THE ALIEN FROM THE THING IS CAPTAIN AMERICA!

We then see outside a mound of burnt flesh and parts and it's confusing.

It's all burnt up.

Again. This freaking movie builds up suspense like few others can.

You're filled with a "WTF" thinking.

They go back to the base and the doggo is waiting...watching. It's sinister as shit.

We then see that the doc and Mac brought back the burnt up thing.

It's...nasty and the practical effects in this movie still look great.

Like everyone is standing around it going "WTF is this" and it looks real because they're not looking at CGI green dots.

Holy shit this dog has the most intense look.

It's eyefucking the hippie DJ (Window)

He's asleep, but before something (or maybe something did happen) can happen...Garry comes in to yell at him.

We then cut tot he autopsy of the Norwegian and the...mound of parts.

Brimley (Dr. Blair) seems baffled that this thing has organs inside of that seem human and normal, but it looks like Dali had a kid with Giger.

We then cut to Childs and his roommate getting uh...higher than the clouds.

So at this point...someone is changed and we still don't really know.

There's theories, but not 100%.

The doggo nips at George and George tells Clark (the dog person) to take it the f out.

We follow Clark with the dog when he puts it into the kennel with the other dogs.

The weird dog looks like a fox in a hen house...

Clark leaves and then the dogs go apeshit as the doggo shapeshifts and...holy crap that's disturbing.

It's about to...uhh...tentacle...uhh...the dogs.

OH GOD IT'S SO NASTY.

The dogs are so scared, they bite through the metal bars, but can't get away.

Clark comes back after hearing the noise and tries to turn on the light, but nothing.

He goes into teh kennel and gets jumped by some legit dogs.

The Thing tries to escape, but he locks it away.

Clark has definitely pooped himself.

We cut to Mac hearing something as he grabs a beer. He hits the alarm, grabs a shotty, and goes with the others to check it out.

George goes to tell Childs (Keith David) to bring the flamethrower.

I don't care why they needed that thing...it's just badass.

Mac opens the cage and sees The Thing morphing and it's the stuff of nightmares.

If I saw this? I'd poop myself and pass out into my own poop.

The thing is morphing with the other dogs as everyone unloads on the dogs.

This causes Clark to attack Mac trying to stop him shooting the living doggos...who are being eaten.

It's...wow.

The practical effects are baller as hell.

The Thing starts to rip at teh roof to escape when Childs comes in and flamethrowers that fucker all to hell.

We then cut to Brimley doing an autopsy on this...dog thing.

He's just breaking off shit and going "WTF do I do with this??"

He cuts inside and finds...

*vomits*

Oh, god. It's so nasty.

I'm waiting for the remake of this so the CGI looks like crap.

Oh...wait....2011 happened already.

Brimley then gives a TED Talk about The Thing.

He tells us this thing absorbs living things and morphs into it (imitating it).

We then cut to Clark holding down a living dog as Brimley takes its blood.

Brimley asks Clark if he knew anything weird...and Clark is acting sus.

Clark has to be an imposter at this point.

He's acts too weird and he's gotta be...right?

Brimley certainly has suspicions.

We cut to them watching footage from the Norwegians going out surveying.

And finding Captain America's icy bed.

They realize there's something bigger out there and I need to point out that Mac has the best hat ever.

They got to the spot on the map the Norwegians had marked to find PIRATE TREASUREEEE!!!

They go out and find a rock quarry.

Wait...sorry. An alien ship.

It's the size of several football fields or the size of whatever stupid comparisons news reporters use like dollar bills stacked.

They rope down to it and stand on top of the ship.

Norris estimates based off how far down it is that the ship crashed into earth 100,000 years ago.

So this freaking thing predates all human civilizations.

We were just wandering around in tiny tribes eating bugs or some shit.

We cut back to Mac doing his drunk TED Talk to the others.

Childs isn't believing any of that shit.

Garry then tries to crossexamine when Nauls comes in yelling about something throwing their torn clothes away.

They continue to talk about why it morphs.

Mac is like "HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW??"

Brimley is looking at stuff and goes to create a computer simulation program.

Which, gotta say, it's basically Hollywood computer magic.

We see a computer that has less processing power than my scale doing some simulating of the thing taking over the world.

Brimley takes out a pew pew because he's not yet a thing...at least not fully.

We see Mac holding the torn clothes and reviewing the situation.

We then see Mac's room gets taken over to put the things into.

Mac wants to go into a shack and get hammered, but...Fuchs?? wants to go chat in private.

We then see Windows going "We need to burn this stuff...and listen to Zappa, man!"

George is like "Uh...haven't you seen Tremors? This is how you make money."

Windows goes "Uh...what movie?"

He leaves and the thing oozes out and goes up George's bhole.

Meanwhile, Fuchs and Mac are in a Zamboni?

Fuchs doesn't trust Brimley because he found Brimley's notes about The Thing.

Mac just wants to drink and pass out.

Again. He's my hero.

We cut to Windows going back into the room and finding George's torn and bloody clothes.

So George is now converted.

Oh...uh...and ther'es the thing wrapping itself around him and that bile is coming up because nasty.

Windows, rightly, runs the fuck out.

He tells Mac/Fuchs about George and they come running in to find...nothing.

DUN DUN DUN.

Also, the window is broke (not windows)

They hit the alarm and go outside and see Bennings (George) there half-morphed.

It makes a noise like a whale shitting after eating taco bell.

MAc throws kerosene on it and torches the fucker.

BOOOOM

Mac goes and grabs a flamethrower as Garry is like "What's going on? I don't get it!!"

Like he's Tom Hanks in Big at that toy presentation...remember that? Remember?

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1433642611131097091

Mac is like "EVERYTHING MUST BURN!"

"You mean the things?"

"Uhh...ah. Crap. yeah, I guess only them."

They drag all the things outside and just flamethrower that shit.

It's so intense because now they're realizing something.

Well...Mac does "You sure that's all of them?"

It has so much meaning in that sentence.

They question where Brimley is and we cut to the Zamboni covering the remains in snow. Mac goes and pisses whiskey on it.

Mac hears something and sees someone (Brimley?) running away with an ax.

He's done something...what has he done???

DID YOU DO THIS @Soundsaboutleft ???!!

DID YOU!!!!

Mac goes to investigate and sees his helicopter is FUCKKKKKEEEEEDDD.

He goes running after something (I bet it's Left).

He's running in when he hears Brimley screaming and pew pewing and yelling like a drunk man.

Brimley is breaking shit and screaming about no one can get out.

He's destroying the communications equipment and we realized Brimley knows the thing is out there.

He doesn't want it to escape.

Hell..he even...uhh...tested the All Dogs Go to Heaven theory.

Childs tries to calm him, but Brimley starts to second amendment at Childs. So much so he empties it and throws the pew pew at him.

Then Mac comes in with a table to beat him down (after the table takes the ax blow).

They beat Brimley down while someone screams WORLD STAR!!

They drag Brimley into a shack.

Man...what must it be like to be alone in a building all by yourself and not allowd to be left out.

HAHASHDSALKDSFAKLJDFSAKLJSADFJKLSDFJKLAS

I CAN TASTE COLORS!!!

Mac goes in and gives Brimley some booze.

Again. Hero.

They chat about trust and who is trustworthy.

As Mac leaves, Brimley is like "Watch Clark. Clark is the thing...HE IS!"

He is.

We then get an update that everything has been destroyed. They're cut off and they have to wait for spring.

Mac is like "Uh...we can't just sit around jerking it. We gotta find out who is not human."

Mac is like "Is there a test?"

Doc (not Brimley) is like "Uh..maybe we can mix uncontaminated donated blood and mix with people's blood. It'd react."

Then Mac is like "Don't trust Clark. He's crazy. He doesn't like cheese."

We then cut to all the blood having been destroyed.

So there's no test.

Turns out whoever did it had a key.

DUN DUN DUN!!!

Then we start to see the beginnings of the paranoia.

Garry has the key, but doc uses it on demand.

They suspect Garry and he's like "Anyone could have gotten it."

Then they argue and HOLY HELL IS THIS MOVIE AMAZING.

The freaking lack of trust is amazing.

Uh...and now Windows is running..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Windows goes to get a pew pew, but Garry stares him down with a pew pew.

We get another stand off and geez...this movie is so good.

Garry then starts to rant and rave as he holds his pew pew.

Then Garry puts his pew pew down and suggests Norris take it and be in charge.

Norris is like "LOL...no."

Then Mac takes it when Childs goes for it.

Mac is the best

They then take out the old blood container thingies and Mac burns them.

He then gives a monologue. "I know I'm human. I know some of you are because you would have attacked me otherwise."

Then he talks about it needing to hide in plain sight.

Just...*sighs*

Perfect.

Then Mac is like "We're going to get this shit sorted."

He splits off the more suspicious people (Doc/Clark/Garry) and has Childs drug them.

Shit...sign me up!

Mac then goes into his room and slams back whiskey while recording a message to future people.

He's so awesome he pauses the recording just to drink and then goes back to talking to it.

We find out it's been 2 days and everyone is exhausted and paranoid.

We cut to Mac walking in on Fuchs whacking it...or trying to come up with a way to test it.

Fuchs is like "Uh. A tiny particle can take you over. We need to eat from cans."
They stole this from Frank Reynolds from the quarantine episode of Always Sunny.

The lights go out nad this just adds to teh fear.

Fuchs sees someone run by.

He goes to chase after them into the night with a flare.

Intense music plays as he searches in the dark, winter night.

He then finds clothes on the ground that say MacReady.

We cut to Mac going "Where is Fuchs?"

He tells the others to find him.

We start to see paranoia as people argue who they'll go in groups with.

Just...perfect. Holy crap this movie is perfect.

This entire movie works because it builds upon base, human fears.

Fears of the unknown. Fears of those not like us. Fears that those we trust and care about may not be who they are.

We see Mac and a couple others going to see Brimley.

He has a freakin' noose set up and babbles.

At this point he has to be changed.

Brimley screams he wants to come out and he's totally fine now.

See the thing is. If you get a tiny particle of the thing...it takes time to take you over.

So Brimley might have been normal but infected earlier when talking about stuff.

Not knowing he was being eaten away.

We cut to them finding Fuchs' glasses in the snow and a flare.

Oh...and Fuchs is extra crispy.

Mac and someone else goes to his shack.

It's been 45 minutes. We know this because Childs asks how long it's been as he stares outside.

He says that they're gone, so he has everyone board up the windows/doors.

Norris then sees something and shows pain.

Now. This could be the thing eating him from the inside or what happens next.

Nauls hammers on the door and comes in.

Nauls is like "Mac is one of them. I found his torn clothes. He's a thing!"

Imagine this situation. You're surrounded by people you know. Trapped.

Trying to survive the elements.

And you know that any one of them could be an alien...wanting to eat you.

WTF.

We see the door handle being turned. Childs is like "WE ARE NOT LETTING THIS FUCKER IN!"

Mac, though, is baller and breaks in through a window.

Mac even locks the door he broke into (the room he broke in).

Childs The Shingings that shit.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1425668344099741696

They barge in and Mac has freaking TNT...DYNAMITE!!!

Mac is like "Burn me, Childs. You do that and we all go boom."

He makes them put down their flamethrows and...man.

Mac is the best.

They try to jump Mac from behind, but he kicks them back and goes "I'm gonna make us go boom boom."

That's when Norris has a "heart attack" and dies.

Or he just got converted.

Again...perfect movie.

Mac wants everyone to come into one room so they can watch each other.

Doc comes in to perform CPR on Norris.

He gets on Norris' and starts to do the chest pumps.

Mac is like "Uh...anyone could have gotten my clothes."

They bring over the defib.

They juice Norris and the doc shoves it back down and then the GOD DAMN CHEST OF NORRIS OPENS UP INTO A MOUTH AND EATS THE DOC'S FUCKING HANDS!!!!!

Norris thing screams as Mac torches it.

The head of Norris thing splits off and falls to the ground to become an autonomous thing.

Mac continues to burn everything as the Norris Thing drags itself around.

HOLY CRAP THIS MOVIE!!!!

Norris Head Thing sprouts eyes and spider legs.

Then it starts to move around and...these practical effects look amazing.

Mac burns Norris Head Thing.

then we cut to him making everyone get tied into a chair while he points the flamethrower at them.

Garry is like "BUM RUSH!"

Meanwhile, Clark inches forward.

Childs doesn't want to listen. Mac threatens, but Childs has ZERO fucks left.

Mac points a pew pew at him and then Childs lunges at him.

Mac second amendments him in the forehead.

We then see most are tied up and Childs ties windows up.

Mac explains he's going to test their blood.

See. Each particle of the thing is autonomous. Therefore, each cell will fight to live.

So it'll try to escape pain.

So his test is to draw their blood and put it with a hot wire.

Windows takes Nauls and his blood and

Oof. So they use the same knife and, yeah, he wipes it, but that's not how you clean a knife that might have infected alien cells on it.

Just saying!

Mac heats up the wire as Windows eye fucks him.

He hits the blood of Windows and it doesn't react.

Windows seems relieved. I mean...you'd think he'd know he's a thing...but would he if it's just infected him?

I don't know.

Mac then tests his blood. Nothing.

Childs is like "Uhh...you're not proving jack shit, bro."

They test doc's blood. It's fine because he hadn't had time to change.

Then they test Clark and...nothing.

Clark was human. OOOPPSSYYYY

Then they test Palmer.

He hits it with the hot wire and it FREAKS THE FUCK OUT.

It scatters as Palmer turns into the thing.

Sadly, the Flame Thrower has an issue starting as Palmer Thing hulks out.

Windows tries to burn it, but he's not like the Black Panther...he freezes.

Palmer eats Windows as Mac watches.

SOFTWARE JOKE FROM THE 90S!!!

Mac finally gets his thrower under control and burns Palmer Thing.

It fire walks outside like that video...

HUH HUH. FIREEEE!!!

Mac throws TNT and blows it the FUCK UP!

In fact it was so powerful IRL it knocked Kurt on his ass.

Mac comes back to use Windows thrower to burn windows.

Man...this movie...this MOVIE!!

Then mac goes back to testing the blood of Nauls and Childs.

Imagine this situation. You're sitting there tied up and the person besides you freaks out and starts to eat your coworkers.

It's...look...it makes for a shitty Company Christmas Party.

They test Garry's blood and he's like "LET ME THE FUCK UP YOU PIECES OF SHIT!!"

If I was any of them, I'd never be alone ago.

I would have everyone cuddled up against me.

However, they need to give Brimley the test.

Childs stands guard in A BLUE jacket.

The others go to check on Brimley and he's gone!

Inside they hear something as they walk across teh boards.

There's a freaking tunnel underneath it.

Brimley is The Cooler King.

Ya like that reference?

The tunnel leads to a room with a UFO that Brimley built.

Holy Christmas.

We cut to a POV shot going through.

We see the outside door open and Childs gone.

The jacket that was behind Childs is missing, too.

DUN DUN DUN!!!

We see someone leave the building and Nauls shows the others.

They think it's Childs.

Then the power goes out.

DUN DUN DUN!!

Ah, crap.

Left tells me there's something on the porch I need to see.

He keeps talking about "World domination once we aliens take over."

I'll be back in a little bit.

Clark* lunges...not Childs.