Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

We all can remember that one golden summer as a child.

And then there's the one where you find a corpse and almost get got by a train.

@Soundsaboutleft and I had one of those summers. He, and I quote, wanted to "see what it's like to poke an eye with a stick."

Stand By Me is wonderful movie about growing up during the 1950s where they walked uphill both ways to get to school.

It also proves that life was simpler back then...and it sucked.

It stars those people in the poster.

They all did fantastic jobs.

Though, I'm a little disappointed they sorta just ripped off Stranger Things in terms of acting.

*cough*

Anyway. Here's a story about how my life got flipped upside down when a couple guys wanted to find a body in our neighborhood.

In West Maine born and raised in the sewers I spent most of my days. Chilling out relaxing and staying the FUCK AWAY FROM THAT CLOWN IN THE OTHER SERIES

We start with a guy parked on the side of the road looking all side. Beside him in the seat is the spoiler for this movie.

Turns out newspapers stop showing legitimate text a paragraph in in movies because ...fuck you. That's why.

Oh, and his buddy was shanked in an Arby's.

I kid. It wasn't an Arby's. Who the hell would eat at Arby's?

Richard Dreyfuss is now watching a couple young kids bicycle past him and holy crap he talks about the first time he saw a body.

Uh. DEXTER??? YOU'RE IN NEW YORK. CAN YOU SWING BY MAINE???

We find out that Richard was 12 in 1959. That's the year of Sputnik and corpse watching.

A new fad like eating gold fish or shoving people into a phonebooth.

Oh, I forgot in this movie they moved it to Oregon. They didn't want to keep the IT mythos going.

Turns out Will (Richard as a kid) lived the quaint life back when life was simpler and...equality was basically communism.

Chance (played by the brilliant River Phoenix) is Will's friend. He likes to make jokes about the French. He's also obliterating his lungs at a young age.

Will's other friend is Core...errr...Teddy.

Let's just go with Teddy because it's less weird later.

We find out Teddy's dad is a monster who abused his kid.

Or, as the Boomers would say now, "life was simpler back then."

Errr...it's Chris Chambers not Champ.

I'm too sober for reviewing this movie.

Then Vern shows up. He's the Chunk of this movie.

Vern is like "OMG. THIS IS A SIMPLER TIME. YOU CAN TELL YOUR PARENTS WE'RE GOING TO GO LOOK AT A BODY!"

Turns out Vern was under his porch looking for a quart jar of pennies under his house.

His mom, like his baseball cards, threw his treasure map away.

And Vern's memory is garbage.

Vern overhears his brother and his buddy talking about finding a kid who tried to take the midnight train to ANNNYWWWHEERRRREE.

Turns out the train took him to the River Styx.

They don't want to report it because then the cops might ask how they got there and find out they boosted a car.

Which was 1950s slang for

*googles*

eating a stuffed gopher???

The hell?

Vern creepily watches/listens to this whole conversation.

A conversation that is filled with myths about the legal system.

Do better 1950s greaser. Do better.

Teddy, from the description given by Vern, knows where he is.

You see back in the 1950s, it was all the rage to hunt down a dead body.

Life was simpler back then.

They discuss how this kid had followed the train tracks and, apparently, the kid couldn't hear a god damn train coming.

They plan on going to find the corpse so they can get in the local newspaper and maybe get a free malt or some shit.

Will makes a plan on how to lie to their parents. It's the 1950s. I'm pretty sure your parents wouldn't notice you're gone for a week.

That kid who got got by the train's parents are probably still like "Where's Bill?"

"Who the fuck cares? We're negligent."

We then find out that Will's older brother was dead or he went off to star in Better Off Dead.

DO YOU SEE MY BRILLIANCE? DO YOU???!!!!

Uh. Right. Will's older brother died in a horrible accident when US rocket exploded and sent shrapnel 3000 miles and nailed him as he drove to go to the sock hop or some shit.

Either way Will is ignored...uh...going to not make the obvious acting career joke here.

Man. Will's parents are neglecting him even for the 1950s and that's saying something.

His parents, for some reason, mourned their child.

This is the 1950s. Sack up! You have another child to ignore. Oh...well done.

Will goes into his brother's room and takes out his boy scout water canteen as we get a flashback where the guy from Say Anything (and who I follow on twitter and he once liked my post) does a Three Stooges routine even though there's only 2 of them.

Will's dad then talks mad shit about Will's friends because this was simpler times.

Pepperidge Farm remembers Chris stealing that milk money.

Will walks back into town as Chris jumps down with his...sleeping roll?

I think I had one of those in kindergarten.

Chris is like "come behind his shop with me. I wanna show you my cold, hard pistol."

In the 1950s this wasn't a euphemism. At least according to my uncle.

Chris gives Will the pew pew and he pew pews the shit out of some cans.

It was simpler times.

I will say this. Life was better in small town America before opioids and meth obliterated it and the GQP gutted any chance of help.

Chris promises he didn't know it was loaded.

"The cat's meow pajamas hamster wheel the"

Look...I don't know 1950s slang.

They walk down the street and Kiefer comes out of the store and is like "TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!!!" and starts to choke out Chris and Will.

Chris calls him an asshole and Chris' brother watches as Kiefer waterboards his ass.

Old brothers. Always being mean with noogies and purple nurples and allowing their horrible friend to almost burn your eye out.

Oh...and Chris' brother took Will's brother's baseball cap because greasers are the worst.

We watch them get onto the train tracks going ANNNYYYWWHEEEERRREEEE.

Vern is like "I brought a comb. This is the 1950s and having anything but greased back hair is a sin. Sorta like admitting women are as smart as men!"

Vern doesn't want to walk the tracks. It's too dangerous.

He wants to hitchhike. Uh...no wonder serial killers had the easiest time in the god damn world back when.

The kids then begin to sing a tv theme that'll make all the then middle-aged people in the audience scream with delight.

It's like them singing the TMNT theme.

Oh, god I'm old.

Then they realize they didn't bring any food.

I'm pretty sure in the 1950s, if you took food out of the house, their parents would have burned them at the stake. Mmm...steak.

They then pool their money. Vern...Vern? You're the worst.

He gave 7 cents. In 1959 that can only buy you 2389923 pounds of candy.

They collect a little over 2 bucks and they have to decide over lunch or a new house.

Teddy, though, wants to dodge a train because he has issueeeesss.

Chris drags Teddy off the tracks and Teddy is all mad because 1950s mental healthcare was awful.

They make up by "skinning it."

Which was slang for swapping human cells by sliding their hands together.

I think...1950s were simpler times.

We then cut to Kiefer smashing mailboxes as they drive by because these were simpler times and life was better back then.

Oh, and the narrator somehow knows this is going on.

Even the dialogue.

We then get homophobic slurs from a greaser who, today, is definitely long dead.

He probably got got one day when he broke the wrong mailbox and was hunted down and he becomes the body 1970s kids go find to have a rite of passage.

We cut back to Will and friends as they break into a junkyard.

Will implies Vern's mom is a perpetual drunk driver.

Because insulting your friend's mother is...uh...well it was a simpler time when being an asshole was required.

The kids go in knowing there's deadly dog there and they make NO effort to not make noise.

We also find out that Chris saved Teddy and there was no mental healthcare to help them both get over it.

I'm convinced Reagan wouldn't have been elected if the Boomers who elected them got hugged by their parents or some shit. Like...yikes.

We then cut to them throwing rocks into a can because life before the internet sucked.

They also talk about boobs because that's all teens do or some shit?

The narrator laments about being a kid and how great it was during those simpler times.

Like Vern being abused constantly by his friends and family.

They then decide someone has to go get the supplies.

They flip coins over who goes.

They first get a ...goocher? All 4 goes tails and it turns out 1950s kids were gullible. "One day I'll be manipulated by Facebook!!" Vern screamed.

Will loses and he's forced to go to the store with all their money to get food.

Will doesn't have the sack to buy just himself something even though he put in the most cash.

Holy crap this movies is 1950s nostalgia boiled down and injected right into the eye.

Lots of ...fudging on your parents? Seriously?

NEEERRRDDDDD

We cut to Will going into a corner grocery.

Will keeps screaming "THESE ARE SIMPLER TIMES!" as the store owner harasses Will.

"Hey. Remember your brother who just died?" and just won't SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THIS POOR KID'S BROTHER!

It's so much that Will has a flashback to where his brother is being fawned over by his parents while they ignore Will

Brother John is awesome and FORCES his parents to talk about his brother's writing.

His parents shit all over Will because the "Greatest Generation" had issues

Then the grocer talks made shit about Will and...god damn.

Life might have been simpler, but people were massive assholes, too.

After Will gets his food, he goes back to the junkyard, but his friends aren't there. He turns the corner and sees them crawling over teh fence.

Behind him the junkyard owner sees him and...why didn't he see his friends who ...fuck it.

The junkyard dog chases after Will and we find out that chopper isn't as big as they'd heard.

Because they didn't have the internet back then and were easily manipulated by rumor...and Facebook memes.

Ha! Take that generation that had easy access to college and cheap housing!

We then find out that Teddy's dad uh...did horrible things and he's beyond mentally unstable.

The junkyard owner makes fun of Teddy's dad and...holy crap.

People were such dicks back then.

At least some people would show sympathy for Teddy today.

Back then they basically added it to your permanent record and made school announcements about how your dad was in a mental institute and sing songs making fun of you.

We find out that Teddy's dad was at Normandy and, let's face it, that whole generation was in desperate need of mental healthcare help and the world failed them.

They took it out on their kids and the effects of that are felt to this day.

Hell, there's some who theorize it was partly responsible (this abuse of their children when they got home because they didn't have a healthy outlet for the hell they went through) lead to the rise of serial killers in the 1970s.

We then cut to ...someone using a razor blade to cut a tattoo into their buddy's shoulder.

That's...that's going to look like shit when it heals.

1950s America sounds awful.

Dead bodies and bloody shoulders everywhere.

Holy shit. There's another loser getting his shoulder cut up.

We then get an argument about when they'll find the body and Vern's brother and his friend are about as subtle as me after Taco Bell.

We then cut to the kids on the tracks dancing to ...lame 1950s music.

Ha. Take that 1950s music world!!

WALK UP BOTH HILLS WITH THAT IN YOUR PIPE WHO...smoked or some shit.

We then see Chris talking about "Smoking is better after dinner. The tobacco industry really got their hooks into us young."

Chris then laments that Will will be going into the smart people classes while they're doing industrial arts or some shit.

Chris is legit an amazing character and River does a brilliant job.

Chris yells at Will for Will wanting to slack off and not reach his full potential.

Man, River dying was a real blow to the acting world.

We then see Teddy/Vern arguing about who would win. Superman or Mighty Mouse. Here's the answer.

WHO FUCKING CARES?

Chris then, rightly, calls out Will's shitty parents and tells Will he will become a writer even if Chris has to shank him in an Arby's.

Again. Kidding. Who would eat there?

They then come across the bridge that goes over a river and FUCKKKK THAT.

They have 2 choices. Death or success and I don't like those odds.

They discuss going an alternate route, but Teddy screams like he's Gary Busey.

We then watch these kids SLOWLY cross this train bridge.

Vern is on his hands/knees and...I gotta be honest. I'd definitely be pulling a Vern.

DO YOU SEE HOW FAR DOWN IT DROPS?

FUCK THAT!

I would have been MISERABLE in the 1950s.

My choices were like...mighty mouse and polio or superman and smallpox.

Chris leans down and puts his hand on the track to feel if the train is coming.

Then he sees/hears it and RUN MOTHER FUCKER.

RUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

Vern falls to the ground and curls into a ball. Will is too good a friend and drags his ass up and makes him run.

He screams as Vern screams "HEYYYY YOU GUYSSSS!"

Teddy and Chris make it easy while Vern is being yelled at by Will and HOLY SHIT THAT CONDUCTOR ISN'T EVEN TRYING TO SLOW DOWN.

Like I know it takes a long time to slow a train but the ...HOLY SHIT.

THAT TRAIN IS LIKE 4 CARS LONG AND THE CONDUCTOR DIDN'T APPLY THE BRAKES AT ALL.

THE 1950S WAS A TIME OF MONSTERS!

Oh, more honesty. I would have left Vern to die.

Will barely survived and, yeah, screw that.

But it was a simpler time.

We then cut to a campfire and them talk about stuff and eating food.

Then we cut to them all getting lung cancer as they smoked.

Like none of them are coughing, which means they've smoked several times before.

Chris then asks Will to tell a story.

Vern is too much of a wimp to listen to a horror story and Teddy wants to...does that kid want to talk about anything but war?

Will then tells the story of a heavy-set kid who gets his revenge upon the evil people of his town.

You see this kid weights 180...uh...yeah. If this was taking place today, no one would bat an eye.

Vern talks mad shit about his cousin or aunt or something who is overweight and Vern is a butterball. You have no room to talk.

The story about Davey (the overweight kid) is sad. He's bullied by everyone, including his family.

So he gets revenge at a pie eating contest...oh god.

A bunch of people are in a white tent and my god it has to be hot in there.

There's a dais where people are doing a pie eating contest while a bunch of...holy crap are they blindly

*points at own skin*

Another contestant trips Davey and tells him he's going to beat him up if he wins.

Then the audience insults him and...wow.

Everyone in that te

OH COME ON.

THE LOCAL ANTELOPES LODGE GIVE HIM A THEME SONG AS HE WALKS.

All of these people deserve to be trapped in this tent while it bu...

Ugh.

Well, in the 1950s, there's a good chance that tent was made out of gasoline and string.

Davey just blasts through pies as the others fall behind and man. Uh.

Well...

They start to chant Davey's nickname (Lardass).

This whole town is just full of terrible, terrible people.

Oh and we find out that before the contest, Davey chugged Castor Oil and eggs and even ate Arby's.

Davey held back his vomit so he could eat pies and have a better puke.

Then Davey vomits on people and then EVERYONE vomits on each other and holy crap.

It's like that scene in the Goonies where Chunk fakes puking and then everyone in the theater vomits.

Man. People were easily entertained back when.

Not like today

We then find out that everyone is a critic and they wanted more to the story and I'M TRYING TO FINISH THE BOOK.

OKAY? STOP SENDING ME DMs SAYING 'PLEASE STOP WRITING YOUR BOOK. PLEASE!!!'

I'M JUST TAKING A ME BREAK OKAY? OKAY???!!!

Then they discuss things like...what their favorite food is and what Goofy is.

Goofy is a mutated abomination. That's what he is.

Oh and they talk about 1950s tv quiz show scandals and other...god 1950s tv was sorta lame.

Not like today

Then they're woken by a wolf and...they decide to stand watch.

They give freaking Teddy and Vern the pew pew.

That's how you get yet another body to find.

Speaking of bodies, Will dreams about his brother's funeral and his dad going "It should have been you."

Now, this is the 1950s, so there's a very VERY good chance this was a memory and not a nightmare.

Because 1950s parents were awful.

They were too busy with swing parties and trying to forget the hell of watching their friends die all around them.

Chris and Will then have a legitimate heart to heart and HOLY FUCK WAS RIVER PHOENIX AN AMAZING ACTOR.

Will tells Chris he should take college prep classes. That he's smart and better than his family's bad reputation.

He also admits to stealing the milk money and we realize he's doing these actions because they're expected of him. He even tried to give it back.

Oh, shit. He even gave the money back, but a teacher he gave it to kept the money.

So that woman is fine with perpetuating a poverty cycle so she could get a skirt.

Wow. 1950s people were monsters.

But Simpler Times.

Chris breaks down crying because he felt betrayed by a teacher and he is held down by his family's reputation and Jesus River is so good in this.

Like I'm trying to think of a better child actor at that age and I'm coming up short.

Just...incredible at this. He makes this movie

The next morning Will sits on the tracks and watches a deer.

You know...the tracks they know a train killed a kid on...a silent train.

Because how else did that kid get hit by a train?

The next day the train wakes the others and Jesus...you sat on the tracks of a train system that is VERY regular.

Vern then whines about Will not getting pez or some shit.

Vern...just...stop.

They then realize they need to cross the woods because the tracks go way out of the way.

They go into the unknown.

We then cut to Vern's brother and his friend telling their buddies their secret about the body.

Speaking of telling...I gotta go make more coffee.

I'll be back in a bit to talk about simpler times and shit.

Okay. I got coffee that isn't instant shit that I'm pretty sure is all they had in the 1950s.

Kiefer tells his friends they're going with him to find the body so they can claim it for a reward.

We cut back to Will and friends going through a swamp.

They come up to a boggy creek and...ew.

No thanks.

They think they can walk across, but turns out about 3 feet forward, it drops several feet.

They wade through this nasty ass water.

Oh...and it turns out there are leeches in there. No, I don't mean lobbyists.

Literal ones.

And even without leeches, I'm pretty sure that stagnant water is the source of diptera in that area.

They rip off the leeches and that's pretty much a nightmare situation, esp. when Will finds one on his Wheaton.

He passes the fuck out and, ya know what, I get it.

Chris/Vern want to go back home, but WIll is like "I'm going to go be in Star Trek, dammit!"

I actually read this short story. It's pretty good and they did a great job translating it into a story.

I believe that was the same book that had the Shawshank Redemption story in it. The movie is WAYYY better. WAYYYY BETTER.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1423850556771028995

We then watch Kiefer and his buddies playing chicken and Kiefer's character has a death wish.

Dude forces a lumber truck off the road by his insanity.

We then cut back to Will and them and they're there.

In the area Vern's brother mentioned.

They start to look around for a body and...wouldn't the smell attract you?

I mean...ew is all I gotta say.

Vern finds him by seeing his white sneakers that look very clean for having been tossed 20 feet by a god damn train going ANNNNNYYYYWHEEERRRREEE!

I brought that shit back.

They then take turns poking the body with a stick.

Teddy makes the eye pop out and Vern stomps on his stomach.

It's real brutal stuff.

Actually, they look for sticks to build a stretcher because they're going to...drag the corpse back home?

That'll be a blast going across the train bridge.

Hahaha...they have to drop it and the train wow...dude gets hit twice.

Just...Sorry. I'm a broken person sometimes.

We then see Will breaking down because seeing the body reminds him of his brother and Will says it should have been him and these moments b/w Chris/Will are the heart of his movie.

Will thinks his dad hates him. Chris says he just doesn't know him.

This is the 1950s, the dad doesn't give a shit.

Don't worry. Will/Chris would neglect their kids the same way. Luckily, their kids will learn to bond with their children on an emotional level.

Take that 1970s/80s parenting!

That's when Kiefer and Vern's brother (eyeball) appear to take the corpse.

Chris claims dibs on the body.

Right...this...this gets into weird property rights.

Teddy says "There are four of us."

Then Kiefer and his friends appear.

Wait. Eyeball is Chris' brother. Sorry.

Then we get a standoff.

Kiefer with a knife and Will with a pew pew.

Like Kiefer was about to gank Chris and Chris' brother is just like "Uh...maybe not do that?"

Worst brother ever.

Will scares Kiefer and holy hell were rites of passage way more intense back when.

I just had to beat Mortal Kombat.

Kiefer is like "I'll get you for this. Well...I'll get Corey in Lost Boys. Man. The 80s were a wild time for me and Corey."

Chris and Will bond over gun sizes as Teddy and Vern slink back.

Really fell apart there, Teddy, when the stakes got real.

Disappointed.

Will is then like "We're leaving the body. First, let's cover it up with a blanket."

Oh, turns out they decided to do an anonymous phonecall.

"There's a b**b up the dead body's asshole like in The Last Action Hero."

They then go back home without any incidents worth mentioning.

It's just before labor day and I remember the mix of loathing that the summer was ending and the excitement of being back to see my friends.

That feeling is long dead, though. Now I just avoid human interaction.

The kids then break up and go back home.

They keep mumbling "Simpler times" and they all make up for any hard feelings.

Vern and Teddy piss off as Chris and Will have one last moment.

We get an epilogue.

Teddy and Vern went out of Chris/Will's high school life and did their own thing.

Vern got married out of high school, had a bunch of kids, and works at a lumber yard.

Teddy tried to get into the army, but couldn't.

He does odd jobs around the town.

Chris finds success in high school and goes on to college and becomes a lawyer.

That's when we realize the massive spoiler at the beginning is about him getting shanked in an Arby's trying to stop a fight over who has to order food first.

I kid. No one was there.

This teaches a very important lesson.

NEVER get in between people getting in a knife fight.

I will NEVER get in b/w people fighting because I don't have a death wish.

We cut back to an older Will (Richard) writing this story.

His kids barge in wanting him to go spend time together.

Richard is like "GO AWAY. THIS IS THE 1980S AND WE PARENT LIKE OUR PARENTS DID: POORLY!"

It then cuts to the iconic "Stand by Me" song and damn is it perfect.

Well, that was Stand By Me and it's a wonderful film about childhood.

It also is a cautionary tale about the horrors of 1950s small town America and parenting in general.

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