Thread by @jamesdalby

I just went through what my doctors referred to as "long COVID brain fog". It is a surreal and completely debilitating experience, which robs you of basic fundamental cognition and puts you in a delirious state of complete confusion devoid of emotion and self awareness. #COVID19

I would wake up lucid, but after a few hours my mind would drop in the fog. It's tricky to explain, but the individual in your mind that maintains your agency, your personality, your desire, and your purpose in life becomes disconnected. You become a walking robot potato.

I could recollect any info you asked of me. Birthday, phone number, current president... Which made my doctor's very confused when I told them I wasn't feeling lucid.

But, my fundamental understanding of WHY I am here, and the context of my relationship with someone was severed

I had no emotion. No fear, joy, love. No desire for food or drink. I completely lost the concept of why human beings eat anything. There was a pain in my belly of hunger, but why I should eat? the concept of eating when you're hungry was lost.

Horrifying when lucid.

I have two lovely daughters whom I love very much. In the fog, this feeling of love and concern became detached from my mind. I only understood the facts:
- I have two daughters.
- their names and birthdates
- their ages and what school they attend.

I lost the joy they bring me

Sleep fixed the mind. I discovered that even a small catnap would bring me back into normal lucidity. So I would furiously write notes to my friends and family that if I contact them confused and that I'm in a fog, try to convince me to fall asleep.

The trick was, I didn't understand the concept of sleep in my fog. I could recollect the routine of lying in bed and closing your eyes, but not the concept of trying to relax your mind and succumb to unconsciousness.

It is surreal trying to explain this to sane and lucid people

I had asked a friend to advocate for me during a doctor's visit while in a fog. They immediately took me to the ER for testing. The poor confused doctors couldn't see any issue. A CT scan showed nothing wrong, no brain bleeds/swelling. Blood work was fine. COVID symptoms gone.

But yet, there I was, deep in a fog while they questioned me and offered a clean bill of health, not comprehending half of what they were saying, my friend on speaker phone in the car asking questions and fielding the doctors answers. They discharged me, and I returned home.

It's hard to explain what it is like in the fog. Confusion. Pure delerium. Watching a TV show or listening to a podcast is complete gobblediguck. You can't follow a story. You have no concept of humor. You don't understand people's motivation's.

I am a software developer (who has unfortunately just started a new job while this COVID fog ordeal is going on). In the fog, I have no concept of why humans use computers. They are weird alien boxes that give people email.

It's... So hard to explain in a way that makes sense.

My final note to those who may be suffering similar issues, know this:

It is a temporary condition.

Though the cause is a mystery (my current theory is lack of nutrition. I have had constant diarrhea for weeks starting with COVID), you are otherwise physically healthy.

Find someone, a family member or friend, who can advocate for you while in a fog. You are going to be completely debilitated and devoid of agency. Directionless, rudderless, a robot desperate for instruction.

Rest and eat.

Sleep and food are the mind healer.

I will continue to document my experience here. I consider myself stricken with this long COVID brain fog until I am 100% lucid from morning my to night.

Well wishes are greatly appreciated.

#LongCovid

I'm currently wrestling with the fog and thought that I would try and document it. I can feel myself dip in and out. A strange mental struggle in which I'm lucid and understand what I'm doing and then, a creeping void of confusion that washes over me.

I have a new refrigerator arriving at 9:45 in half an hour. I dip in and out of wondering why humans eat food and store it in cold boxes, and going that I'll be lucid when the delivery people arrive.

Such a surreal experience.

I am in no pain. No headache or anything of the sort. My understanding of the world around me simply starts to vanish. I have asked a friend to visit me and look after me. She is so sweet to deal with me in this state.

Deep in the fog now. Lucid James has written notes for what he calls Potato James. I am supposed to sleep, so that is what I will try to do. It is 11am. I think that means it will be difficult to sleep.

I wish this would go away. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do.

In a fog. Wanted to write this down. I feel like I am two people. Lucid James and "potato James". Potato James is in the fog. I am supposed to sleep, but I don't understand what sleep is. I just know that when I'm lucid, I lie down in bed and close my eyes.

I hope this works.

Lucid James here. Yep went into a fog earlier today. It unfortunately happened while I had a new refrigerator delivered. Trying to comprehend why strangers were in my house installing a new appliance was very challenging. A 1hr catnap brought me back.

This is so debilitating 😣

Lucid James here. Had a fascinating time yesterday with a friend who stopped by to say hello and check up on my situation. Was lucid when he arrived, and he got to witness me sink into the fog in front of his very eyes. He's an engineer, so naturally... We began running tests. 😂

He began to probe me with questions, brain stimulating thought experiments, to explain my mental state as it occurred, asking me to do things like play a song on the piano. Taking me for a walk around the neighborhood while talking and joking around.

This stimulation put me into a strange "half lucid" rhythm of rising out and sinking in to the fog. I would pop out into lucidity, fully engaged in the conversation, joking, humor, laughing, and then like someone flipping a switch, regress to potato James. In... Out... In... Out

In the fog, I have no concept of humor or emotion. So, cracking a joke would put me into a roller coaster of laughter - stupor - laughter - stupor... A surreal experience to remember in my current lucid state.

My friend would ask me political questions. In the fog, I have no concept of politics. I could easily recollect WHO was the president, VP, speaker, etc, but not what my opinion was of the current administration. But, snapping out of the fog, I remembered everything immediately.

My friend had brought over a couple lovely chocolate croissants. As I would oscillate between mental states, it was fascinating to feel a strong desire to eat the snack; enjoy the sweet chocolate morsels and crunchy, buttery crust; then POOF lose understanding why humans eat food

In my robot potato state, I will answer any question or perform whatever action you ask if me. So the plan was to take me to Vegas and count cards. An interesting idea, the only snag being that I will answer immediately and truthfuly if a pit boss asked what I was doing.

An interesting discovery. I can't lie when I'm the fog. I have no intention or purpose. I don't comprehend the concept of lying. I do what I am told, then await further instruction like a human automaton. The only strong desire I have is to know what I'm supposed to be doing.

It was strange when my friend left. The fog started to fully take over, so the plan was to sleep, try and nap and reset my brain. As he left, I remember the lucid part of my brain feeling a strange sorrow of being alone. Then, shwoop, into the fog obeying instruction to sleep.

4:50 AM and I'm awake and lucid. Woke up with painful diarrhea, a constant malady since I caught COVID and since the fog began. Could this be the link?? Has COVID created a gut/digestive problem which robs my body of whatever nutrition I need to function normally?

Anyway, a fascinating day yesterday. Everyone give my friend @pbeskas a round of applause for science. He greatly helped my understanding of the affliction I'm undergoing a lot more.

Coincidentally, he is a life coach. Check him out at

thelifecoachschool.com/certified-coac…

It's too early to start the day. I feel like I should go back to sleep. This lucidity has a downside: it's mentally exhausting. No such problem in the fog, I have no understanding of exhaustion. That must be why it's so hard to nap.

Goodnight... Err... Good morning y'all

Something that I have back again in my lucid state: anxiety. What a horrible feeling. This feeling of dread, the understanding that tomorrow is going to be another circus of fog, the understanding of my mortality, the uncertainty and fear of what's going on.

There's a silver lining to the fog. I have no fear. No anxiety. These concepts that terrify me in my current lucid state and send my heart into worried palpitations don't exist in the fog.

We can learn from potato James. That solace is available to those that stop giving a fuck.

Lucid James here. Just had incredibly vivid dreams while sleeping for 4 hours. One in which I was trying to find the best gumbo in Lake Tahoe.

But the second was a new, almost complete episode of The Boys on Amazon Prime. The odd part, I was not the subject of the dream.

Normally, when we dream. It is an ephemeral and disjointed experience in which we are the main actor. People talk to us. We engage and interact with the environment. A virtual environment with us at the center.

Not this dream. I was effectively watching an episode in front of me

Could I have been in a fog while dreaming? Is this what lack of agency and self awareness does to the subconscious mind. It concocts a dream, but doesn't understand how to put you into into the drivers seat?

Another surreal experience for the log.

Lucid James. The nutrition theory is current on the top of my list. I have lost 25 lbs since I caught COVID 2 days before Xmas. Diarrhea every day. On a simple diet of bananas, toast, rice, eggs and Pedialyte. Whatever nutrition I need to be a normal human must not absorbing?

Lucid James. The concept of time is lost when I'm in a fog. I lose the ability to understand that our lives are segmented into sequences of events that we engage in through a sense of purpose and desire.

In a fog. I am trying to sleep but I can't. My eyes hurt. Does anyone know why my eyes hurt? Is this making sense.

I am trying to sleep and then I will call my friend if I can't fall asleep at 9:45. How do you make yourself fall asleep at an exact time?

Does this make sense?

Lucid James. What an interesting day yesterday. It's so interesting to see me tweet from the fog. I'm desperate for direction, pleading to the Internet for someone to tell me how to perform basic, natural tasks like falling asleep. I know I must sleep, but I don't know why or how

Interesting realizations:

I can "send messages" to my future fog self. This strange ability makes me effectively two people in the same body. I recollect everything about my lucid intentions in the fog, and in turn what Potato James was feeling when I emerge

In my lucid state, I rush around the house trying to complete chores, feed the pets, clean up messes, organize etc. Preparing for the upcoming fog. Then, as it settles in, the rote memorization of tasks aid me in making the bed and tucking myself in, and trying to sleep.

Had some very engaging conversations with my sister yesterday. She's quite concerned with my well-being, and being miles away in another state had made her quite concerned an adamant that I have my father live with me for weeks until this issue gets resolved.

Called her up in a lucid state to talk, and explain the situation. She luckily was able to see me slip into the fog and continue conversation. Similar to my friend Pete, we tested my mental state. In particular, asking me to play songs on guitar. What a surreal experience!

I have been practicing guitar for years, and in my fog, I can remember the chords and how to play them. I can pull up a song's chord sheet and play it with very little effort. I can sing songs, recall lyrics quite easily. But, at the same time, I don't know WHY guitars exist.

I don't have any recollection of what songs I like or dislike. I am a juke box. If I have heard the song in my lucid state in the past, I can recollect the lyrics and replay the song without issue.

My sister took full advantage of this, requesting Celene Dion, My Little Pony

I am... NOT... a fan of Celene. And it must have been hilarious to see a 42 year old man belt out a children's show theme song, of which I watched with my daughters many times when they were much younger. She had recorded this to share with them

I... will have my revenge someday

Interesting note: I can now exist in a "half lucid" state before fully succumbing to the fog. An irregularly oscillating cognitive state where I dip in and out of lucidity. I consider this progress, but it's still incredibly debilitating.
I feel myself sinking in now.😖

Another interesting note: I have two different forms of handwriting when in the fog and in a lucid state. My lucid state is clean, mono-spaced, and orderly. My fog state is scribbly and rushed.

SURREAL.

Fog handwriting. Hey @PstafarianPrice, you made it into the fog log. 😁

Lucid writing.

FYI, Pam is my best friend and advocate who has been graciously helping me through these cognitive episodes. Everyone give her a round of applause, please. I am so incredibly grateful for her kindness, support, and generosity.

@inawakeningwel1
instagram.com/inawakeningmind

I am now in a "half lucid" state, a new state of cognitive function when I understand that something isn't right but I just can't put my finger on it. I am oscillating between having the normal desires and emotions of self-awareness, and the robot automaton state of Potato James

Half lucid, it's strange trying to type messages into Twitter while in this state. In the fog, I have no creativity, direction or ambition, but then I snap back into lucidity and continue where I left off. It's strange to oscillate between understanding what a 280 char limit is.

Half lucid. I dip in and out of understanding of what Twitter is. My lucid self starts the process of writing a sentence and then halfway through writing it, the fog sets in and I'm running on what the memory of what "Lucid James" was intending to say.

Half lucid. Twitter's UI is NOT easy to understand in this state. To tweet a message and understand how to keep this on a single thread is very unintuitive on PC in the fog. I remember it being easier to do this on the phone, but I am FAR faster at typing on the PC.

Half lucid. Ok, it's time for sleep. This is has been an interesting experiment, but I need my lucidity to take care of some chores. Strange, I know that it's Monday, but I don't understand the concept of why it's a holiday. Ugh, I only got two hours of lucidity this morning. 😖

Half lucid. How in the hell am I going to take a nap after a full night's sleep?? What a waste of a morning. I only hope that I can emerge on my own and resume today's normal duties and responsibilities.

Half lucid. I remember thinking that I should start a substack account to better document this in more of a iterative blog structure. More on this later, as I've likely dropped completely into the fog while typing this, none of this makes any sense to me at the moment.

Half Lucid. This may be TMI, but for the first time since Dec 23, I finally woke up with no diarrhea. I haven't eaten much of anything for the past few weeks. I've lost 25 lbs! Hopefully these half lucid sessions prove that this is related to my nutrition theory

Half lucid. I remember emerging from the fog last night with an intense desire to eat spaghetti and meat sauce. Door Dash had it to me in 20 minutes. I must be in a fog now because this doesn't make any sense at all, but it was VERY important to Lucid James.

Lucid James. It has been a great day hanging out with a friend and her family. They got to witness Potato James for a couple hours, but also watch me emerge from the fog WITHOUT sleep!
Some new observations: I am mentally exhausted, like when I finished a calculus exam in college

I guess that this process of moving through a half lucid state is mentally very taxing to my brain. Looking forward to a long night's rest for sure.

Got to tag along with a friend to pick up a rental car. This was a good experience to see how this had affected my concentration. My inner compass feels a little off. Then again, everything looks the same in Irvine so my brain may be having a hard time differentiating landmarks.

I have been lucid for the vast majority of the day. What a wonderful and reassuring feeling it is that this malady is temporary, and my mind and body know what to do to heal. 😊

Lucid James. The nutrition theory seems to be the strongest. Over the past couple of days, I've been able to break out of the BRATS diet, curb the diarrhea, and eat more heartier meals: Pesto pasta, Bolognese pasta, fish and mushroom risotto.

Fog free for almost a full day.

If this is indeed the answer, it is fascinating to think that our gut and our mind are so intrinsically connected; that a deficiency in a particular absorbed protein, vitamin, etc can rob us of emotion, desire, and self awareness, and how sleep acts as the ultimate restart button

Perhaps this fog is akin the mental state that diabetics lapse into when their blood sugar levels spike or bottom out. Curiously, when I was taken to the ER by @inawakeningwel1, I showed no sign of metabolic issues even though I was DEEP into the fog.

A video of me while in the fog. @inawakeningwel1 had stopped by to check on me

Look at the blank stare, locked onto Pam's face, the constant search for purpose, the fact that I refer to myself in my lucid state as another individual, answering questions like a robot, humorless.

Forgive the bedhead and scruffy beard. I have no concept of wanting to look presentable in the fog. That would be a normal human desire that the fog disconnects from me. I have cleaned up since and it is lovely to see how much weight I've lost.

I DO NOT recommend this diet 😂

Special thanks to @inawakeningwel1 for the preening. The beard was definitely reaching hobo territory, the eyebrows needed a trim, too. A little bit of coconut oil in the hair really helps to tame it. Smells good, too.

None of this would make any sense say all in the fog.

A note to Twitter. For fucks sake, LET US MAKE EDITS TO A TWEET within a short period after posting it.

My emotions are back and I get EXTREMELY PISSED OFF when I can't fix a grammatical error or an autocorrect error.

Definitely moving to substack and posting articles here.

Lucid James. Looking through my ER discharge papers. I have to wait 2 weeks for a neurologist appointment to study and diagnose this brain fog.

I'll likely recover in that time, and had I not decided to document this malady, any relevant medical info would be lost.

VERY DUMB!

Lucid James. Wowww... Gas is up to $4.65 in Irvine. I haven't driven a car since Dec 26th (nor am I now, I simply recall seeing this in the fog yesterday while hanging out with @inawakeningwel1 yesterday)...

That is insane. 😣

It's so strange to recall these memories from the fog. Facts, numbers, conversations, are perfectly clear. But, I can only react to their meaning and with emotional context now while I am lucid.

The brain is simply fascinating.

Lucid James, another strange observation: in my lucid state, I am notoriously bad at recalling people's names. In the fog, this is not a problem.

For instance: I have planar fasciitis in my left foot and some heat would soothe it.

Went to a local pool with Pam to take a dip in a jacuzzi.

Met a lovely young woman.

Her name was Marissa, a physical therapy student at a local college, coincidentally focusing in cognition

She was white, with shoulder length brown hair, wearing a purple bathing suit. She drank from a white water bottle, surfed on her phone.

I usually don't categorize data about random strangers and file it away in my brain while in my lucid state. But Potato James records it all

In the fog, I understood that she was a stranger. I had no interest in speaking with her. I had no opinion of her whatsoever. No sexual delight or gratification in seeing a half naked woman in front of me like every other cognitively normal man with a caveman brain would.

She had overheard my conversation with Pam as we relaxed in the hot water, said hello and inquired what was happening.

That moment, when Marissa began speaking to me, Potato James locked onto her, desperate to share his story of his malady and seek direction and purpose.

Potato James is a robot. Desperate for input, a command, to be told what to do, to have purpose and perform a function, but paradoxically not understand the concept of why that function exists. Marissa wanted to talk, and James jumped at the chance to answer any question she had.

Immediately, Potato James scanned and documented everything about her. Eagerly awaiting a new question to answer about his malady, strangely speaking in the 3rd person as to what lucid James feels when he leaves the fog using rote memorization of lucid James' memories as answers

It is... Very strange to recall this. To have the lived experience of two different people in my mind:

- myself
- a confused, but completely coherent and functional robot

They do not exist in tandem. There is a clear delineation of who takes control of my body. Yet they are aware of each other.

I have no control over the switch. The fog simply begins. Lucid James feels it, that something is off, and then all emotion, desire and purpose disappear

First draft of the logo for my future book?

Lucid James.

Guys, I can't express how wonderful it feels to be lucid. It isn't scary to be in the fog, I can't feel fear or anxiety. But, when I'm lucid, I understand the love and joy that my children bring me, the elation and bliss of laughing with friends.

This is a particularly cruel ailment. To rob someone of joy, the rapture of eating good food, the ability to understand humor, the concept of feeling content and relaxed, feeling the warm safety of snuggling into bed and the desire to sleep, to understand what a hug is. 😓

Adding some hashtags to this thread to broaden the reach to those who have shared my experience.

DM me with any questions you may have. We MUST get to the bottom of this debilitating COVID ailment.

#NeuroCovid
#Cognitive
#psychology
#research
#selfawareness
#neurology

Had a long run of lucidity of 6 hours this morning to noon. Then felt myself fall into a half lucid fog. Ate a nice meal of tomato soup and steak sandwich. Now I've re-emerged without sleep about an hour later.

This nutrition theory seems more and more solid!

Lucid James. Oof, one thing that sucks about lucidity: anxiety. Worry. The little panics throughout the day as the uncertainty of life unfolds in front of you.

K, bring back the fog, plz. There is an odd benefit in completely disconnecting your emotions.

I can't be nervous.

Lucid James. Finally figured how to get my tests results from the ER visit. For the purpose of science, I'm comfortable with you guys seeing my metabolic and and CBC with differential results.

AST and ALT numbers are off, but not in dangerous territories. I have no symptoms of liver disease.

Glucose level was a little high at 114, but nowhere close to the 150 or 180 marks which indicate diabetic ketoacidosis. The only symptom I share with ketoacidosis is "confusion".

Upon further review, I have exhibited NONE of the symptoms listed in the attached image of what is defined as "confusion" with ketoacidosis.

Note, I recently had a blood panel prior to COVID in October of last year. Glucose was at 94 (fasting), well within normal values.

My CBC w/ differential panel.

MPV levels are a little low (or normal depending on who you ask on the internet), but I have no symptoms of Thrombocytopenia.

This may be due to "viral suppression", a normal reaction where your bone marrow makes fewer platelets in response to a viral infection. A follow-up CBC w/differential blood test will be needed in a couple months to see if this has come back to normal after COVID has passed.

So... more questions than answers, I'm afraid. 😣

Looks like it's up to the neurologist to try and make sense of this, provided that this hasn't passed within 2 weeks and they have actual symptoms to observe. 😡

Lucid James. Oof, almost a whole day without slipping into the fog. In fact, when I was in the fog, it was a half lucid fog in which I emerged from it after an hour or so. But, a new issue to deal with is that I'm mentally exhausted by the end of the day.

Now, this could be because I am a habitual and avid coffee drinker, and this could be a symptom of caffeine withdrawal. I haven't had a good cup of coffee for about 3 weeks. But... I can't drink the stuff. I need to be able to catnap as fast as possible if I sink into a fog.

A spooky revelation. I don't remember visiting the ER twice.

My brain fog has somehow conjoined the two ER visits into one. My memory is of one visit. In reality, I've gone twice. Once for concerning COVID breathing issues and insomnia, the other for the fog.

Lucid James.

Apparently, even in my lucid state, the ability to understand puns has been greatly diminished.

This is fucking devastating. 😣😖

Lucid James.

New update. A new state of cognition at the moment.

Mental exhaustion.
Difficulty concentrating.
Difficulty finding the right word to say.

I am lucid and self aware, but... this is quite difficult to push through in trying to get the day started and talk to family

Now THAT'S a good looking fog log!

Lucid James.

After a conversation with @inawakeningwel1, we've begun to pinpoint that the fog had begun around Jan 2nd. We had chatted on the phone and she noticed something was off about my personality. I had no clue what was going on at the time, just that something was off.

@inawakeningwel1 It's odd to explain this, but I am fully capable of driving a vehicle, going to the store, taking a shower, taking a walk around the block, etc while in the fog.

I simply lose the agency of understanding WHY I'm doing them.

I must have been oscillating from lucid to potato.

Starting a task in lucidity, and then dipping into a fog, losing the understanding of purpose and emotion, but having the rote memorization of performing that action from previous experience.

Yep, this is 100% debilitating.

There's no way I can work like this.

Amazing progress yesterday. Still not out of the woods, but a great day.

Treating myself for yesterday's lucidity. The first coffee since Dec 26th.

About 5 min ago, I had and odd sensation of a pleasant, warm hum behind my forehead. I'll assume that my brain is VERY happy with the little gift I gave myself.

2nd day without an episode of fog. The concentration issues are a real drag and a new concern. But it's so great to not regress to potato mode for a full day.