Thread by @stevemagness

Here’s what I learned working with college kids for 10 years:

Those who come to college entirely dependent on being motivated by others struggle.

In a controlled environment, it's easy to work hard. What matters is the driver behind the work.

Let’s explore motivation:

We see the work and we think that is the thing.

How can we get our children to put in the work? The work itself becomes the goal. That guarantees success. So we push them.

Fear, punishment, rewards, it doesn’t really matter.

We start demanding they work hard because we know “hard work= success.” So we do whatever we can to make our kids work hard.

That’s the mistake. The work isn’t the goal. That’s a byproduct.

The desire to do so is the thing. You want kids to CHOOSE to explore and dive deep, so they get captured by the thing. Then, the work comes.

Is hard work vital? Absolutely.

But what we miss is…

The greats aren’t just magically able to put in an inordinate amount of work. As @tomhouse stated, the GOATs are “addicted to the process, not the results”

That ‘addiction’ is driven by a deep-seated motivation that comes from within. That can sustain us through failure.

For instance, here’s data on comparing improvement vs. the level of a particular type of extrinsic motivation (to satisfy an external demand/gain reward.)

Higher their motivation towards rewards/satisfying some external demand, the worse the improvement rate.

@CoachZou once put it to me like this:

Extrinsic motivation is like lighter fluid. It looks impressive, there’s a big flame, but with nothing else there it burns out quickly. Intrinsic motivation is like coals. They last a long time.

We need coals. Not lighter fluid.

The quickest way to extinguish that inner drive and amp up the external is to demand, push, and control.

Stop. Resist this temptation. If YOU are the reason your kid is striving for good grades, great athletic achievements, or any sort of excellence they will struggle.

It needs to come from them.

The most important thing for future success isn’t what college they get into or grades, it’s whether they can be intrinsically motivated towards mastering something that catches their interest

If she can harness motivation, she’ll figure the rest out

When you constantly push your son or daughter, you are training them away from that. They aren’t developing and cultivating the skill that allows them to be self-motivated enough to tackle whatever challenges they encounter.

It’s important to note here, I’m talking about activities people pursue.

Sport, music, even future careers. I’m not talking about the basic hoops we must jump through (i.e. grades, etc.). No one is claiming we should have an inner fire pushing us in Calculus.

We’ve talked a lot about ‘kids’, but the truth is: all of this applies to adults.

If we feel forced, like we have to do X or else we’re in trouble, we stop doing the work, give up, feel less motivated. We resist….just like kids.

How do we harness our inner drive?

First: Cultivate the skills of exploring, finding interests, sparking curiosity, and diving deep.

More exploration to find good match quality, where your interests and skills collide.

2. Create an environment that allows for expansion, not constriction. Including:

Autonomy and Authenticity: Feeling like you are in control, that the goals you are pursuing are authentic and important to you.

Support- Provide scaffolding, not micromanaging. Freedom to fail.

3. Set appropriate goals and expectations.

We need to see progress. It keeps our motivation fire going. But we can define what progress is.

Chase mastery or excellence, not perfection or outcomes.

Cultivate the inner desire to work hard on something that interests you.

The SKILLS of finding interests, sparking curiosity, and diving deep are what matter. Learn what it means to motivate yourself and not need mom, boss or coach to constantly be there pushing to get work done

If you'd like to learn more, I'd suggest the following articles:

thegrowtheq.com/the-mental-hea…

thegrowtheq.com/the-mastery-mi…

thegrowtheq.com/a-three-step-f…

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In prodigies, this motivation has been called "The Rage to Master."

It's not just prodigies though who experience it. I call it getting captured.

When interest, curiosity, and deep engagement align. So that we get enraptured in the thing. The hard work comes naturally.

With young kids, we often dissuade getting captured by 'unproductive' outlets. Think: video games.

This is a mistake. Let them learn how to get captured in similar things.

Then keep them dabbling and exploring in other pursuits. Chances are they'll apply that to something else.