Laura Lexx Profile picture
Feb 3 7 tweets 3 min read
I swear England is infested with villages that only pop into existence at night when you just want the train to go faster

I’ve never seen “Balcombe” in the day time but yet here I am at 11pm sat here waiting for precisely no one to get on or off
Around 10:45pm all across Britain green fields suddenly flash brightly before reappearing as Gurnly on the Fenton or Greater Fitzbrunchunting
All through the dark hours the ghostly village sits. Haunted bunting flapping listlessly in the breeze created by the 80 commuters sat stock still at the creaking station and sighing in unison as their lives slip away
As the sun begins to rise Little Wincing Onallfours melts back down into the sloping fields of middle England and lies in wait for the next night and it’s new prey
I wrote this this morning as a little follow up, I hope you like it x
It's also here, which I think should make it readable for people with text to audio software but if it needs to be in another format let me know and I can work it out: lauralexx.blogspot.com/2022/02/short-…

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More from @lauralexx

Feb 3
I have a podcast. Did you know I had a podcast? I feel like I try and promote it a fair bit but then I always seem to get people saying they didn’t know. Did you know?
For the yes people: good, I hope you’ve tried listening.
For the no people: it’s here, enjoy:

podfollow.com/1510301851
Read 6 tweets
Feb 3
I’m going Brighton —> Leeds and back today. The train is costing about £195. I reckon if I drove it would probably cost less than £70 in fuel. The cost of train travel is such a huge block in the practical ability to be environmentally friendly in this country
That’s a big moan before I even get started on the fact that before the first leg of my journey has even left the station they are warning me of a points failure up ahead. So… will I get to work? Yet another issue for people who CANNOT be late because of the financial penalty
We’re a small country, that has had train infrastructure for centuries, with expensive ticket prices. Why is it so difficult to have it function? Maybe I’m missing something but it doesn’t feel like we have any excuses?
Read 7 tweets
Jul 27, 2021
In the Olympics, before each event I think there should just be a normal person having a go to show you the scale of how phenomenal the Olympians are
Like I’d volunteer to plant face first into a vault to show how a regular body doesn’t whizz over it in 6 twists
I just think then, when the commentators are going “oooh that’s not so good” after something superhuman, we have a little scale
Read 21 tweets
Apr 19, 2021
*pssst* Klopp mate, the best way to deal with this would be to burst out of Anfield topless on a white stallion and declare Liverpool a republic (Brighton will follow)
Klopp: the leader the country has been waiting for, but what of his surly underling Mourinho? First to rebel against the evil dictatorship looming over football but never loved enough to be King
Will it be a new Mufasa/Scar situation? Or will these two unlikely heroes learn to put their differences aside and co-manage? Find out, only on Hulu
Read 21 tweets
Apr 19, 2021
Ffs. I have a job tomorrow writing on a topical show. A dream job. I can’t believe it’s happening this week so I have to attempt to understand why people who love football are sad about there being more football
Husband: The super league is bad for football because the cool thing about football is all levels play each other.

Me: so just don’t watch this weird closed in league? Carry on watching the old league?
Husband: But these big teams might get kicked out of the old league for joining the new league.

Me: but then won’t new smaller teams take their place so, actually, lots of big money has been removed creating a fairer eco system in the old league?
Read 5 tweets
Jan 9, 2021
I’m quite drunk. I’m overall very sad at the moment. I’m stuck in a crevice of loathing lockdown entirely whilst also screaming for a stricter one because if we could only do it properly short and sharp we could end it all and go back to normal.
I feel really stuck between the voices I hear: yeah, I want common sense and I want to go back to normal. But, if common sense is:
a) just kill everyone below average strength
b) lock us all down hard and short

Then I choos (b)
But I’m stuck in a reality where the unbelievable decision being taken is (c): lockdown long and sloppy, kill a lot of people, incite furious arguments and dissent, kill the livelihoods of those lucky enough to survive
Read 15 tweets

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