Thread by @lauralexx

In the Olympics, before each event I think there should just be a normal person having a go to show you the scale of how phenomenal the Olympians are

Like I’d volunteer to plant face first into a vault to show how a regular body doesn’t whizz over it in 6 twists

I just think then, when the commentators are going “oooh that’s not so good” after something superhuman, we have a little scale

A load of blokes do a 100m race, we make a sandwich between the gun and the whistle; then a sun 11sec race will seem CRAZY COOL

Imagine being the member of the public who just gets handed a horse and someone says “this is Twinkle: make her dance like a sexy crab on ants”

“This is Maureen from string, she’ll be showing you what the average person can do on the parallel bars. And there you go: she held on swinging faintly in the breeze for almost 20 seconds”

“We will be watching the amateur dive, just as soon as Richard stops muttering ‘ooh it’s higher than it looks on TV, isn’t it?’”

“The judges there just explaining to our amateur jumper how the long wobbly vertical stick is in anyway to helpful to getting a body over a horizontal stick many feet in the air”

“It’s not the first time we’ve seen someone include the Macarena in their floor routine but every year I do hope it will be the last- oh, and there’s the half roly poly before a messy exit into an exhausted vomit”

“It’s a VERY fast row for our amateur in the white water canoe. Never seen it done entirely upside down before though.”

“Interestingly, that is the 26th broken foot suffered by an amateur shot putter”

“100m freestyle now. Obviously usually freestyle refers to a swimming race while this is track, but I cannot bring myself to say that what this woman is doing is sprinting”

“Actually, this fella is pretty good at archery. Weirdly good. Worryingly good… and, yes, it’s as we feared: beneath that costume is a handsome fox looking to rob the rich to feed the poor”

“Dave from Kent has been selected as the amateur marathon competitor and it looks like as we enter the 8th mile we are well on the way to what experts call the “Double Barrelled Radcliffe” “

“They look very pleased with themselves but judges are now explaining to Kathy and Beryl that the synchronised diving is unfortunately not measured by how much pool water you displace”

“Our gymnasts are expected to do 3 twists and leaps on the beam, but we will be really pretty impressed if Linda makes it to the other side just walking without a fracture”

“Men’s Eight rowing now. We’ve found 8 volunteers but have so far not managed to get more than 3 of them in the boat at once. It will have to be called off once any of the rowers has more than a litre of river water in their lungs”

“Jodie from Portsmouth there looking dismayed to find out there are still 6 more events she has to have a go at. She currently explaining to judges that she’s ‘bust a fookin lung’ on the running and that she’s not throwing anything without a ciggie”

I think I’m done now but wow, this blew up as they say! If you like it, you could buy this book based on my last thread that did well? lauralexx.co.uk/Klopp-actually

“Laura, from Somerset, actually starting her gymnastics routine on minus points after judges were shown video footage of her wrestling herself into her leotard”

“It’s not a fast swim but as he comes up for air the gold medal for biggest snot bubble into a chlorinated pool absolutely goes to the man from Rochester in the armbands”