Thread by @lauralexx

*pssst* Klopp mate, the best way to deal with this would be to burst out of Anfield topless on a white stallion and declare Liverpool a republic (Brighton will follow)

Klopp: the leader the country has been waiting for, but what of his surly underling Mourinho? First to rebel against the evil dictatorship looming over football but never loved enough to be King

Will it be a new Mufasa/Scar situation? Or will these two unlikely heroes learn to put their differences aside and co-manage? Find out, only on Hulu

(all female roles to be played by Laura Lexx, written by Laura Lexx, thought about incessantly by Laura Lexx, produced by someone with too much money who has no idea how shatteringly bad it's going to be aka the inventors of the superleague thingy that started it all)

INT - A Football Theatre - Day Time

Klopp: Hello players. Thank you for joining me in this brave new world.

*Players nod and smile, excited*

PLayer 1 (Pele?): Who is that chief? *indicates woman carrying oranges*

Klopp: Oh don't worry about her. She's just *sighs* everything.

Player 2 (is Cantona still one?): I'm so glad you said no to the Superleague sir.

Klopp: Yes, Cantona (if Cantona is still one) Football must remain accessible to all.

Player 2 (+/- Cantona) Agreed. Look what happened to cricket after the 2005 Ashes.

INT - Football Backstage

Player 3 (Tore Andre Flo): I love playing for Klopp. He is the Grandmother Willow of football.

Pele: Agreed. The ideas he has are superior to others.

Cantona: Who else could have thought of having us run towards the goal to try and score?! inspired!

*Mourinho the football manager deputy is listening in the shadows, seething*

Mourinho (to self): I did! I thought of that too! Just because I didn't say it with a smile and an everyman persona they didn't want to hear it from me. I should be the main football managing man

*The mysterious oranges woman sidles up to the furious Mourinho*

Mourinho: Who are you? You are a woman! You should be in the woman's league, or commentating on one TV show and getting a tonne of shit for it?

*Oranges Lady laughs*

OL: you need to let go of the anger, or you will never be the man in the spectacles.

Mourinho: I don't need spectacles! My vision is sharp!

OL: Perhaps the spectacles show you more than that which you thought could be seen...? *sidles away mysteriously*

Mourinho is left alone in the green room pondering.

Mourinho: Wtf is she putting in those oranges?

INT - Night Time - Klopp's Boudoir

*the red and white silk drapes of his 4 poster bed billow in the jasmine scented breeze that is coming not from the window, but from him*

*a shadow sneaks up close to the bedside table where a pair of pale rimmed spectacles lie*

*The hand wraps itself around the glasses and the shadow withdraws from the perfect room*

EXT - Night time - A fancy street

Mourinho: I've got them! I've got the spectacles of power!

*slowly, greedily, he pushes the spectacles onto his unworthy face*

Mourinho: I can see... everything. I can see injustice and how to cope with it. I can see the balance of the universe, constellations of power. I can see E-numbers and all that has been and is yet to come. I can see injuries and goals! Goals! I see goals!

*a fox slinks round a bin towards the bowl of food the Klopps leave out because all creatures deserve dinner*

Mourinho: If there were a fox league, that fox would be best situated at centre middle right back and I would get the best out of him by watching The Wire together

*a hedgehog lumbers into the custom built hedgehog hotel that the Klopps had commissioned & made from sustainable wood*

M: This hedgehog would be a striker. Several long conversations about why he resented his mum's new boyfriends as a kid would have him at peak within a season

*Mourinho pulls the spectacles from his face. He looks like he has aged a decade in the minutes that have passed since he applied them. A hand falls on his shoulder. A majestic hand. The hand of God (this is a football reference? delete if its a bad one)

Klopp: Perhaps I could have my glasses back?

Mourinho: I saw... I saw it all

*Klopp nods*

Mourinho: It's too much

*he hands the spectacles back to Klopp's outstretched hand. Klopp nods and offers a hug to the shattered Mourinho*

Klopp: With great football power comes great football responsibility. (get the cartoon fans on board)

*Klopp invites Mourinho in for a brown drink like men do when they need to ponder in TV. They enter the house. From the bushes Oranges Lady smiles*

NEXT TIME ON "THE BEAUTIFULLEST GAME":

Paul Ince: But Klopp! it's been years since I played! I can't start for Liverpool and Hove Albion!

Klopp: You have to. You're the only other player Laura remembers the name of.

PI: *looks into stands* well... ok then`

If you liked this, there's a good chance you'd find my book funny: lauralexx.co.uk/books/klopp-ac…