Thread by @JonathanRL

This thread will not be about history. It will be about fiction; a somewhat infamous Swedish Novel that for some reason also was a bestseller, most likely due to its part in the Hamilton series of books.

This is the live tweeting of Madame Terror by Jan Guillou

For the English Audience: Hamilton is essentially the Swedish James Bond of the 1980s. He was the star of books and movies. A naval officer with close ties to Palestine. This is due to the Authors sympathies who tagged along Palestinian Guerrilla for a month or so he claims.

The author is not always being truthful. He made up a story about buying a Swedish Submachinegun that was a complete fabrication. Also note how they openly pose with it at a public place in Stockholm. But enough about that. I am just stalling so I wont have to get into the book.

Prologue: We are treated to what is essentially the history of Submarines and Torpedoes mixed with the plot introduction that Kursk did not sink of its own; rather she was sunk. By an american submarine. Despite the plot point that Kursk carried Schkval Torpedoes.

Apparently Kursk "disappears" from under the nose of two US Navy Submarines, causing the US Navy Submarines to panic. All this sounds awfully familiar.

Also the Typhoons name is Swedified as Tajfoon despite the Russian name being Akula.

So apparently Kursk went silent for reasons that are not explained, she crashes into the USS Toledo who did a Crazy Ivan and USS Memphis opened fire whereupon the surviving Russian Sailors are left to die to keep the secret. But the American crews get to live? -.-

So former KBG Officer Vladmir Putin just panics and agrees to sweep it under the rug in return for the forgiving of debt and offering more funds?

And then he suddenly becomes terrifyingly efficient in literally the next sentence?

(I wont describe the entire book in this, I will do a lot more summaries but the prologue establishes a lot of the backstory so I feel that needs to be detailed. Esp stupid scenes will also be detailed in the same manner)

The habit of spelling regular words differently in a Swedified manner continues. Now its the word "file" that gets butchered. Why he does not simply use the swedish word "akt" or "personakt" is unknown.

Enter one of the main characters of the novel. Mouna al Husseini, Brigadier General of the PLO. She starts by essentially charming the pants off a British official during an official meeting in London.

Thankfully NOT literally.

Mouna al Husseini continues by loudly thinking about how different public Muslims agitating for terrorists act are just harmless insane people that should never been taken seriously. She dislikes them for making her work more difficult.

A Palestinian Iman discusses the Quran with two Palestinian youths. Essentially the point made here is "Islam does not allow attacks against innocents; love the one that did not attack you"

Mouna al Husseini is in a meeting with senior British Intelligence Officials. She is essentially trying to persuade them to let the PLO recruit skilled and educated Muslims so they are not caught up by some other radical group.

Mouna al Husseini is treated as a genius for making the connection that a man called "Andrew Lloyd" has a callsign Weber. She also points out that its obvious and stupid so she kinda does my work for me here.

The British are essentially treated as horny idiots, completely charmed by Mouna al Husseini and they agree to her plan despite one of them clearly stating they have no idea what her endgame is.

PLO is referred to as "one of the worlds most secretive and powerful resistance movements"

Yeah, because that is why Hamas kicked them out of Gaza?

Mouna al Husseini and her recruits have now arrived in Murmansk in Russia. Russia is deeply involved in a project where PLO will be allowed to purchase a top modern Alpha Class Submarine alongside modern weapons. The plan is to strike the Israeli Navy.

Yes, really.

On its first voyage, the Submarine encounters and pings an experimental Russian submarine, of course with the help of the Palestinian Recruits who use visual imaging to identify the target.

The Submarine is equipped with a countermeasure device that homes in and destroys incoming Torpedoes, called the Schstjuka. I have no idea if something similar actually exists.

And of course the Russians are highly racists against the Palestinians on board, even refusing to share the same bed despite shift rotations.

The Schstjuka are tested. The Russians miss their shots. The Palestinians using their laser pointer system destroys both their targets.

The Russians celebrate all this by becoming drunk and becomes even more racist towards the Palestinians.

After all of this, the Palestinians go on strike. Their demands include a ethnically mixed military police, Halal food, language education and a ban on alcohol.

Mouna al Husseini reflects on how Yassir Arafat essentially trusted only her with accounts numbering over half a billion dollars. Good to know she can be trusted with this information only she is given.

A meeting is held where the problems are being discussed. Mouna tries to demand command but the Russians refuse because she is not a naval officer and not a man.

They now list the requirements for their commanding officer. Not Russian, Not Arab, Is a Naval Officer, Speaks Russian, Arabic and English. Preferably won't do it for money but ideology. Quite the list...

... but we all know who Mouna will seek out.

If you are at this point wondering why I am livetweeting this, we have not really got to the wierd stuff yet.

A rather long summary of Mouna and Hamiltons working relationship. Last time we saw Hamilton in these books, he was murdering people who gave SÄPO information and then he escaped the United States.

No, it barely makes sense in context.

Hamilton is introduced with him rescuing a dog from drowning in his new home in San Diego. Because we need to be very convinced he is a true-blue hero.

This chapter is written from the perspective of a Mexican girl Hamilton decides to take to his bed. I wish I was joking.

The Author writes "dej" instead of "dig".

This is heresy of the highest order. Also Hamilton calls Mouna "Comrade". Awfully fitting.

Of course Hamilton is also smitten by Mouna and at once promises to do everything for her.

At least here there is backstory to fall back on.

They start to plan the Submarines Crew. They at once want the language teachers, mess staff and the medic to be women. Its not for feminist reasons apparently but "basic psychology so the Russians - who will be stripped of their uniforms - can feel superior."

And for this top secret assignment, they should also bring a journalist from Al Jazeera. A woman of course.

At least they make no secret that this is essentially a book where the protagonist plans a terrorist attack. Its just Revenge Porn and not very good at that.

Apparently the submarine is to be equipped with a satellite transponder so they can follow news network. Orders from the Palestinian President will be given via press conferences since radio can be tracked.

Hamilton is offered to be the command Admiral of the entire Palestinian Navy. He concludes that he does not want the fancy California life but wants to risk his life for Palestine.

The Russian Angle seems to be that they want a deniable submarine that can avenge Kursk by sinking the USS Memphis.

Yes, this seems to be the Russian angle to sell a submarine to the Palestinians. Seriously.

It also seems like most of the Russians on the submarine were replaced on Hamiltons orders. That to me sounds like a huge security concern considering the Russian crew was well paid and may not like being removed from this high income.

Hamilton recruits his ships medical officer with a lot of implications of why Russian Surgeons are superior to American ones who are listed as specialists on Anus Surgery or the like.

Yes, that is the point being made in the book.

The Author now has a new character with motivations to avenge Kursk talk about what an idiot the commander on the Kursk was because he did not save his crew when he could. He is thinking about how the Kursk was great and could run rings around any American vessel.

This is long enough so I wont be commenting in detail on all the stuff they have going on during their shakedown . cruise but I have to mention the installation of a charcoal grill in the galley. I mean just... WHAT?

During the Shakedown Crusie, they pretty much randomly and without any difficulty track and identify the USS Alabama, a Ohio Class Submarine using some kind of remote drones that provide a visual feed.

Apparently the drones can also send out audio and the American Submarine is very confused but instead of tracking the source, they just keep evading. They also send a ping from the drone right next to the Alabamas hull. Pretty sure that dangerous.

The crew brags on how they would win any fight thanks to their superior video feed and wire guided torpedoes.

I am going to send Jan an angry letter where I explain that he cannot under any conditions continue to misspell "dig". ITS THREE LETTERS AND HE GETS TWO OF THEM WRONG!

Some of the crew gets a backstory and the book goes into how a routine is created. All of them of course have justifications as to why they want to be there and this actually feels somewhat realistic even if its in the context of the ridiculous story.

The Submarine evades two British Destroyers and a Submarine and this is reduced to just a few passages that makes it clear the author considers this the expected outcome of any such encounter.

The Submarine has now been named U-1 JERUSALEM (or AL QUDS in Arabic). The Al Jazeera reporter has boarded the Submarine. Portraits of Assir Yarafat and Mahmoud Abbas are hung in the Galley. The Submarine is officially commissioned as the first submarine of the Palestinian Navy.

Vladimir Putin awards the Russian Senior Officer the title of Russian Hero. At least this is because his mapping of the waters between Ireland and Britain so its not as ridiculous as it could have been.

The Submarines mission is revealed. They are to attack the Israeli Naval Base of Haifa with Cruise Missiles and Torpedoes using the submarine.

Like I said previously, this book is the most basic form of revenge porn.

Contact with Israeli Submarine. They do not try to make it a interesting battle scene, rather they sink the Dolphin-Class Submarine Tekuma within a page or so. A couple of evasive actions is all the action described.

Pausing for today. Will continue tomorrow in this thread.

Condoleezza Rice has entered the battle. She is at once described as much more intelligent and competent than George W Bush or Donald Rumsfeld whose actions are described as "monkey politics". A staffer begs Rice to "halt the madness from Dick".

Apparently the author did not deign himself to describe a thrilling scene where the attack on Haifa takes place but cuts straight to the Aftermath; implying the attack was easy.

Haifa is describes as "burning" with the National Security Council watching footage.

Apparently somebody got detailed pictures enough of the missiles to allow Condoleezza Rice to identify them at once. Earlier in the chapter, she is described as an expert on Russian Missiles and I have no idea if this is true. Another line praises "Superior Russian Technology"

Dick Rumsfeld speaks about an attack on Iran as if such a thing is already planned, good to go and can be executed at a moments notice. It just needs to be scheduled earlier with an attack on Iranian Submarines as a first priority as they try to blame Iran for the attack.

George W Bush speaks to Putin and allows Putin to very clearly deflect questions in a manner no politician - not even Bush - would be stupid enough to do unless they did not want a proper answer.

Donald Rumsfeld speaks to Veterans of Foreign Wars and the author insults their intelligence by essentially having "Rummy" speak in childlike and comedic terms to them trying to blame Iran. Obviously.

Despite it having gone several HOURS between the first attack with missiles, apparently now the Palestinian Submarine has attacked an alerted naval base with Torpedoes, destroying three surface ships.

(There is NO WAY these ships would still be in port hours after an attack!!!)

One hour later after this, the Port of Ashdod is also attacked. Once again, Israeli Vessels are sunk in port. This is not told from the Submarines Point of View, once again implying such an operation is so easy it does not merit a chapter describing it.

We are treated to a scene where the Submarine Mess is turned into a field hospital. In what the author probably thinks is a twist, it turns out the wounded they are treated are Israeli Prisoners of War from the Submarine they sunk.

The Israeli Officer in Charge refuses to state his rank and name and compares Carl to Grand Admiral Dönitz.

(Pretty apt, the Palestinians has not at this point declared war, only claimed to "ordered an attack" and both use unrestricted submarine warfare)

They make a point of showing how Carl treats the survivors according to the Geneva Convention. This - at least - I feels somewhat in character but still, the entire point of the scene is for Carl to flex his moral superiority.

Bush talks to the nation, claims Weapons of Mass Destruction were used. I cant tell if the author does this to jab as his justifications for Iraq or if he truly thinks Bush would use such a term in a casual manner.

The term is loaded; its why its a big deal when its used.

Also, apparently US Aircraft attacked the Iranian Submarines off-screen. At least its pretty realistic that nobody in-universe seems to take a Palestinian Navy seriously but rather seems to think Iran is to blame.

Condoleezza Rice lampshades the use of the WMD in the speech.

The next part is just more flexing moral superiority, showing how they deliver a wounded prisoner of war that then has nothing bad to say about his captors.

Fishermen from Gaza are described as heading out to fish and are attacked by Attack Helicopters. The author helpfully points out that more Palestinians are killed than Israelis during the Haifa attack. Even the US and UK are shown to "not support mass murder".

The Palestinians win another propaganda victory by an hour long interview where Mouna al Husseini is described as Madame Terror.

Roll Credits!

Ah, fuck you mean to tell me the book is not over yet?

The NATO hunt for the submarine is described. NATO here is a term used mostly for US Navy and Royal Navy Units since many nations "refuse to hunt a palestinian submarine".

A ceremony is held. Hamilton praises the crew for following the Geneva Convention "unlike the enemy".
This despite the fact they keep the Prisoners of War onboard despite being able to unload them and DELIBERATELY using them as Human Shields.

Point of View now shifts to an American Admiral who is doubtful about his orders but is afraid Rumsfeld will retaliate if he speaks his mind. Entire chapter is just an excuse to further show how competent and brave the Palestinian Submarine is.

Chapter ends with Admiral essentially recommending to cease chasing the submarine because its too dangerous.

Mouna al Husseini has a chapter where she essentially keeps hammering in the point that everyone on the submarine is very skilled and contributes to the mission.

Condoleezza Rice refers back to the Admiral in the previous chapter and it turns out he essentially had the US Navy stop searching in fear of casualties. The chapter continues to demonize those the Author dislikes and praise the characters on the submarine.

Discussions are made where the US discuss if they should send their own fleet to guard Israel but this is disregarded as "this would make the US wage war on the Palestinian People". It seems they want to pay for it at any rate. Why I have no idea.

The Israeli Prisoners of War are interviewed by Al Jazeera. They of course criticize Israel and praise how they have been treated. Since there is mention of the Stockholm Syndrome, one can argue that this interview is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Once again, without describing how its just explained that the Submarine passes Gibraltar Sound and escapes into the Atlantic. I wonder if the author knows how difficult this would be?

A Prisoner of War is reading a Israeli Newspaper that is outraged about Israeli Actions.

Military Service in Israel is described as "harassing Palestinians at checkpoints, request ID from pregnant women, send home schoolkids" and a number of other things that all pretty much means the Author thinks thats all the Israeli Army does.

Of course they managed to get into the entire thing that Israel has nuclear weapons onboard their submarines.

(Seriously, how many IDF watchlists am I going to end up with due to this shit)

I am seriously not going to refer more of the discussion between Mouna and the Israeli Officer POW any more because its all just an excuse to prove why Israel is bad while hand-waving away any Palestinian evils.

The Palestinian President talks with the Russians. As a sidenote, it is implied that any loss of American Life will cause "The American Fundamentalist President" to "rain fire and death over the world".

Jens Stolpenberg are involved in the story as an Ally of Gaza. He suggests trading eight Israeli Prisoners of War for eight hundred Palestinian Prisoners. As a sidenote, Hamas is described as means by Israel to wage war on PLO.

We are now in South Africa where its described that Nelson Mandela is preparing to receive guests. The Submarine surfaces in Cape Town and are welcomed as honored guests.

The possibility of Israel or USA attacking the submarine in port is discussed. This is discarded on the grounds that JAS 39 Griffons (YES THEY WRITE THAT SHIT IN THE BOOK) can handle "slow carrier-based planes"

They are now offering international inspectors to inspect the submarine so they can prove they have no Nuclear Reactor or Nuclear Weapons onboard.

The Israeli Prisoners of War are released and the crew is awarded the South African Order of The Companions of O.R. Tambo.

Condoleezza Rice watches it all admiringly and thinks how she must prevent Rumsfeld from "bombing Cape Town back to the Stone Age"

Hamilton has arranged his staff in a South African Hotel and looking for some comedic commend by Mao.

Condoleezza Rice and Mouna are meeting in London. The terms are to trade a Free Gaza for Independent and unblocked territory. Condoleezza Rice is just as smitten by Mouna as everybody else.

Hamas is regarded as "cooperating with the Palestinian president" when they never has done anything of the sort.

Condoleezza Rice now tries to agree on the condition they get to buy the Submarine. A subtle implication among many that they consider it to be superior to anything they got.

The Submarine leaves Cape Town, expecting an american ambush. USS Jimmy Carter; A Seawolf Class Submarine is detected alongside USS Alexandria; A Los Angeles Class Submarine.

At least this time we get a somewhat tense scene out of it!

The Americans open fire against the Palestinian Submarine but the incoming torpedoes are destroyed with anti-torpedo weapons. The Palestinians return fire. The page ends before we hear if the torpedoes hit or not. Is this intentional or is my copy incomplete?

Okey, so now we have a Court Martial at Diego Garcia of the "surviving" Captain of the USS Alexandria after the "disaster" at the Cape of Good Hope.

The Court is issued the white tropical uniforms. The accused are wearing Winter Uniforms. For some reason.

The charges against the Captain is refusal to comply with orders and cowardice in the face of the enemy.

The Battle is described. The Jimmy Carter is reported as sunk. The Palestinians then use their drones to create a mask of false audio to fool the Alexandrias sonar.

The court then proceeds to once again describe the Palestinian Submarine as superior to even the Seawolf.

They steal the "One ping only" scene from Hunt from Red October but here so Hamilton can prove his advantage and demand the withdrawal of the USS Alexandria.

Aside from the fact that this "Court Martial" has not followed any sort of proceeding, the lieutenant who is charged with defense is shouted down by the court, violating the rights of the accused.

As a sidenote, it is noted that the Captain of the USS Alexandria is black. Of course. The officers of the submarine are all shown as standing behind their Captains decision.

The Court renders its verdict. They call the action to not engage "brave" and clears him of all charges as well as commending his actions. They also recommend congress to award him the Navy Cross.

Yeah right.

The American Administration then lies about what happened (at least that one can be believed), says the Palestinians fired first.

Apparently they have taken American sailors as prisoners who are described as less well behaved and a lot less cooperative than the Israeli ones. Also smarter. Carl subdues them by wearing uniform with his Navy Cross.

The American senior POW who shares room with Hamilton ambushes him but Hamilton defeats him with ease because god forbid this revenge fetish cannot have any tension whatsoever.

Turns out the Russian Senior Officer did have sexual relations with a woman onboard.

This infraction is not punished despite promises it would be. Rather, they toast to the couple.

Hamilton marries them on the spot. At no point does he ASK them if that is what they want.

Tony Blair is forced to resign since he has supported the United States version of events that the Palestinian Submarine fired first.

Once again - off screen and explained from the POV of another character - an attack upon the Israeli Navy is made; this time in the Red Sea. They sink one submarine, two fast attack craft and detonate a layer of explosives.

The Submarine makes landfall in Saudi Arabia, claiming to have been fooled but refuses to intern the crew. The Ambassador asks the United States not to attack it while in port.

Hamilton surfaces the submarine next to a United States Carrier Force and demands free passage or they will open fire.

Thank god, we have reached what the book calls the Epilogue. They return to Cape Town, announce their intention to sell the ship back to Russia and release their American Prisoners of War.

Donald Rumsfeld resigns, considered insane for "risking an american carrier and 6000 lives".

The UN then proceeds to vote on a resolution to grant Gaza its own sovereign territory. The US does not use their Veto. If Israel accepts this or not is not clear.

Mouna al Husseini is invited to the US Congress to alongside the Commander of the USS Alexandria receive the Navy Cross as part of a political maneuver to blame George Bush for the loss of American Seamen.

The book ends with declaring Condoleezza Rice one of the most prominent presidential candidates for the republican party.

And my torment is over.

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