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Feb 11 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
He has conclusive proof they are carrying Duncan Hines yellow cake
Inside the Canadian Royal Truck Defense High Command
Whenever you hear the sirens go off or smell poutine, remember, kids: DUCK and COVER
If you suspect someone might be a Canadian spy or saboteur, before shooting test him by asking how many home runs Babe Ruth hit in '27
Report anyone displaying the following characteristics to local authorities:

1. Beady eyes
2. excessive denim
3. excessive politeness / apologies
4. mullet
5. can't pronounce "schedule"
6. bowling with only 9 pins

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Feb 12
Happy 100th birthday to Lincoln Motors from #DavesCarIDService!
1. 1928 Model K sport coupe
2. 1939 Zephyr
3. 1956 Continental (briefly its own brand; did not carry Lincoln name at time, but innards are Lincoln)
4. 1961 Continental ImageImageImageImage
*Lincoln was acquired by Ford in Feb 1922, but was founded in 1917 to make Liberty V12 aircraft engines for WW1. After the war they retooled for cars, producing only a handful before bankruptcy and getting sold to Ford.

It was tale of Henry Ford's revenge over Henry Leland.
**Ford started the Henry Ford Co (not Ford Motor Co). in 1901; it went bust in 1902.
Leland bought Ford's assets, and created Cadillac.
Leland sold Cadillac to GM in 1909, remained at GM until his ouster in 1917.
Leland created Lincoln, went bust, and Ford got his revenge.
Read 15 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 10
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Read 14 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 9
Play Mystery Boobs, the new board game from Adidas
*I was originally going to say "Tit-Tac-Toe," but I decided to keep it classy
"Hey! You sank my Boobieship!"
Read 5 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 9
Finally, an organization that lives up to its name
ANNUAL REPORT OF THE MISSOURI FERAL HOG ELIMINATION PARTNERSHIP FY 2021

Mission Statement: to eliminate Missouri feral hogs

2021 KPIs: eliminated a shit ton of Missouri feral hogs (see supporting graph)
Read 7 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 9
"The science has changed," they explained, bursting from the focus group room while sprinting in a panic to the paper shredder
We have always been at war with Lockdownia
"My side"? Go bother an anti-vax nut, you're barking up the wrong enthusiastically triple-vaxxed socially-distanced political cynic
Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Feb 7
Sure farm life *sounds* good, but nobody ever warns you about the non-stop backbreaking labor involved in maintaining a herd of two cows on a vast five acre ranch
"And God said, 'I need someone to get up before dawn, fix their hair and makeup, put on a rugged designer Carhartt jacket, take a selfie in the morning sunrise with a cow, and IG that bitch before 8am.' And so God made an influencer." - Paul Harvey
Quick note to anyone who now regrets buying a cow farm because it looks romantic and fun on Instagram: you don't have to pet them and change their litterboxes
Read 5 tweets

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