I'm having a comedic little brainworm about an AU where LWJ meets the 'evil bandit' WWX, and promptly decides that getting kidnapped by an evil and seductive bandit would be in his best interest, really.
LWJ: *spots the famous and famously-handsome WWX riding along the path*
LWJ: ...
LWJ: ...
LWJ: ...A notorious bandit dares to attack me while I am fulfilling my duties, like any other respectable person. What has this world come to. 😔
LWJ: ...
LWJ: ...
LWJ: ...A notorious bandit dares to attack me while I am fulfilling my duties, like any other respectable person. What has this world come to. 😔
WWX: ...Ehh? No, young master, I've already stolen enough silver for the day. Don't worry, you're safe from me this time, haha! 😜
LWJ, already dismounting from his horse: The wickedness of this world is astounding.
LWJ, already dismounting from his horse: The wickedness of this world is astounding.
LWJ: *tosses his reins to WWX*
LWJ: I will go peacefully, if only to prevent further bloodshed. But your unrighteous behavior will surely be punished someday.
LWJ: *ties up his own wrists and marches over to WWX*
LWJ: *waits patiently for WWX to drag him up onto WWX's horse*
LWJ: I will go peacefully, if only to prevent further bloodshed. But your unrighteous behavior will surely be punished someday.
LWJ: *ties up his own wrists and marches over to WWX*
LWJ: *waits patiently for WWX to drag him up onto WWX's horse*
WWX:
LWJ considerately places his money-pouch and valuables into WWX's saddlebag, because of course WWX plans to steal those along with LWJ's horse!
And when WWX fails to understand that this is OBVIOUSLY a kidnapping/ransom situation, LWJ climbs onto WWX's horse himself.
And when WWX fails to understand that this is OBVIOUSLY a kidnapping/ransom situation, LWJ climbs onto WWX's horse himself.
WWX:
WWX, schlepping LWJ back to his hideaway: Wen Qing, I have kidnapped a young master and now I'm holding him for ransom.
WQ: ...Why the FUCK would you do that?!
WWX: Sadly, it was not up to me. 😔
WQ: ...Why the FUCK would you do that?!
WWX: Sadly, it was not up to me. 😔
LWJ says some more things about the heinous immorality of kidnapping respectable travelers off the road in broad daylight!
Then he unties his own wrists, sits his li'l ass down, and helps WN prepare dinner for the bandit camp.
Then he unties his own wrists, sits his li'l ass down, and helps WN prepare dinner for the bandit camp.
Then, after dinner, he marches over to WWX's bedroll.
LWJ is a scholar! He's read books! He's even read the kind he's not technically supposed to read!
Anyway, he's no dummy! He knows that this is the part where he's supposed to be ~ravished~.
LWJ is a scholar! He's read books! He's even read the kind he's not technically supposed to read!
Anyway, he's no dummy! He knows that this is the part where he's supposed to be ~ravished~.
The evil bandit is supposed to ~steal his virtue~ and ~defile his purity~.
There is supposed to be BODICE-RIPPING, for heaven's sake!
Alas, the bandit apparently didn't get that memo. 😔
There is supposed to be BODICE-RIPPING, for heaven's sake!
Alas, the bandit apparently didn't get that memo. 😔
WWX runs off! He commanders a spare bedroom and sleeps somewhere else!
LWJ lies awake for half an hour, composing a negative Yelp review in his head.
"One star out of five. The food was better than expected, but there was an utter lack of defilement."
LWJ lies awake for half an hour, composing a negative Yelp review in his head.
"One star out of five. The food was better than expected, but there was an utter lack of defilement."
"Purity remains intact. Was not even subjected to any impudent ~wandering hands~ while we shared the same horse. Experience not as advertised. Would not recommend."
LWJ sulks through breakfast the next morning!
Afterward, WWX asks if he should send that ransom letter to LWJ's family now.
(He is aware that he's not supposed to be ASKING his kidnappee for directions. But he's obviously not in CHARGE of this particular kidnapping!)
Afterward, WWX asks if he should send that ransom letter to LWJ's family now.
(He is aware that he's not supposed to be ASKING his kidnappee for directions. But he's obviously not in CHARGE of this particular kidnapping!)
But LWJ, his v-card still unpunched, just sits there like 
WWX: Wen Qing! What should I do! Yesterday it really seemed like he WANTED to be kidnapped and brought to my hideout! But now he won't talk to me anymore! What am I supposed to do now!! 😭
WQ:
WQ:
Anyway! I assume that the 'kidnapping' stretches on FAR longer than either party originally planned, with many Wacky Misunderstandings.
At some point, LWJ starts keeping a diary.
At some point, LWJ starts keeping a diary.
"Day 13. Attempted the 'bathing in a stream' ruse, which features prominently in at least three novels in this genre. Despite arranging for the handsome bandit to stumble across me while I was naked and wet, I remain undefiled. Beginning to lose all hope. 😔"
After some time, wangxian realize they have fallen in.
And after an EMBARRASSING LONG TIME, WWX realizes that his 'captive' is trying very, very hard to get dicked down.
And then, I assume, this FINALLY becomes the kidnapping experience LWJ hoped for. 😌
And after an EMBARRASSING LONG TIME, WWX realizes that his 'captive' is trying very, very hard to get dicked down.
And then, I assume, this FINALLY becomes the kidnapping experience LWJ hoped for. 😌
"Day 67: Success, at last. Even better than chapter 13 of 'The Wicked Bandit's Secret Lover' promised! Will arrange for Xiongzhang to move forward with the wedding plans immediately. 😌"
Deepest condolences to LXC, who definitely gets a letter informing him that:
A) His missing brother has been the captive of a wicked bandit
B) His brother has been thoroughly devirginized by said bandit
C) His brother is going to marry said bandit ASAP
A) His missing brother has been the captive of a wicked bandit
B) His brother has been thoroughly devirginized by said bandit
C) His brother is going to marry said bandit ASAP
D) LXC is not allowed to get mad about LWJ's extended absence, because if LWJ had his way, it would NOT have taken this long 😡
E) LXC isn't allowed to get mad about the devirginization or the wedding either, because by the gods, LWJ had to WORK HARD for both of those things 😭
E) LXC isn't allowed to get mad about the devirginization or the wedding either, because by the gods, LWJ had to WORK HARD for both of those things 😭
Becoming the Wicked Bandit's Secret Lover was BY NO MEANS as easy as the books would have had LWJ believe!
He expects to be congratulated on his accomplishments by his loving family, who have always shown pride in his achievements. 😇
He expects to be congratulated on his accomplishments by his loving family, who have always shown pride in his achievements. 😇
...Anyway. They live happily and hornily ever after!
Someday, WWX tells their grandchilden about how they fell in love after he abducted LWJ, and LWJ nods approvingly.
But when LWJ leaves the room, WWX whispers, "Actually, he kidnapped me! Don't tell anyone! It's a secret!"
Someday, WWX tells their grandchilden about how they fell in love after he abducted LWJ, and LWJ nods approvingly.
But when LWJ leaves the room, WWX whispers, "Actually, he kidnapped me! Don't tell anyone! It's a secret!"
In conclusion: They're weirdos, your honor. 😔
The end!!
The end!!
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