More about yesterday’s thread: Through tears and anger I’ve spent 3 week frozen for hours everyday trying and failing to write back a “friend” to explain why the mere suggestion that my suicide, assisted or otherwise, is acceptable bc I’m disabled is…
Dehumanizing and coercive in and of itself. It’s been incredibly painful and I’m personally really struggling. But I want to make a broader point. This pro-MAiD advocate isn’t just a “friend” who I’ve trusted with my heart and what’s going on my health before I knew this abt her.
I am also somewhat dependent on her. She’s the only local friend who has stuck around through Covid precautions and me being disabled due to pain. She does a lot of things for me with her car that I’m not sure what I’m going to do without. And THIS…
THIS dependence and trust is why her suggestions to use MAiD carries so much weight. Combined with my frozen and fawn (PTSD) trauma responses, it has stopped me from pushing back on her MAiD promotion. I’m pretty opinionated normally but I’m both emotionally and psych fragile rn.
I’ve been too afraid to offend and lose the 1 person who assists me with necessities. She’s also the only person who I see not behind a screen telling me about a “supported and peaceful exit” from my severe chronic pain +++. But does she hear herself? It’s euthanasia FFS.
Someone PLS tell me how track 2 MAiD, med assisted suicide isn’t *predatory* when offered by a dr, mental health professional, family, friend, society, media, the govt to disabled people who are poor, depressed, deprived, isolated, systemically discriminated against, traumatized?
YOU CANNOT!
I am okay. Or will be. I will not be using MAiD and I will end this “friendship.” But none of this is easy. I *need* #BillC7#MAIDinCanada to be what dies. Disabled people with various vulnerabilities with less resources, less crip community and care than I do, do too.
Almost forgot my broader point:
There are many relational dynamics, power imbalances and vulnerabilities in which disabled people are going to agree or “choose” assisted suicide and will die by MAiD that have nothing to do with autonomy or what they really want.
Saying NO or asserting what you want & need is damn hard. Reasons why disabled people would opt for assisted suicide are complex and should be met w care and resources not death. Yes some will choose MAiD from a variety of options & from privileged autonomy. But at whose expense?
I wanna live by default again. For every healthcare, mental health care professional & friend to assume (even if they don’t believe it) that my disabled life has value & life is always worth fighting for. To help me ride out the storm & find the resources & care I need to do so.
One of the biggest reasons I have considered dying as answer to my chronic pain, mental illness and increasing disability is *only* bc Canada has assisted suicide laws. The only “treatment” our “universal” healthcare will provide me.
For 2nd time in a yr I’m abt to spend considerable time in inpatient psychiatric care, again, largely bc Canada has MAiD laws. Offering “comfortable supported peaceful” #AssistedSuicide to ppl w/ mental illness or disabled folks going thru a season of depression Is Not Compassion
For 3yrs MAiD has fucked me up. Add severe persistent pain, denial of pain meds & medical attn, discrimination & misconduct in healthcare, poverty, pandemic policy that dictates disabled people are disposable, #ableism (internal & systemic) trauma (personal & systemic) then what?
I as excited as a kid on Christmas waiting for Santa! Why? I’m getting a new bed delivered. Before it comes and I’m able to post pics, I want to tell you about why this is a major accomplishment for me. Bc in the choosing & ordering, I had to fight thru a lot of #PovertyTrauma 🧵
I live in legislated disability #poverty. I have been sleeping on an old couch for about 5yrs. I haven’t had the privacy or mental / health benefits of my own room. I have chronic pain. #ODSPoverty has meant I couldn’t replace the ancient bed that was more painful than the couch.
I was able to buy a new high quality bed & bedding bc I made some 1X money in Nov. I am giddy w/ excitement rn bc it’s coming… soon. But I shed a lot of tears in the process of buying this bed. A few months ago @DisabilityFili1 I shared about growing up in generational poverty.
#HappyNewYear to all my crip friends w special shoutout of Gratitude to @mssinenomine, @Arley_McNeney & @mich_mcq
I’ve been in hospital near 2 months & 2+ hrs from home. But G’s @cripcare1 Holiday Edition has made sure I’m brimming with crip love & care🧵 cripcare.com/crip-care
1st came cookies for each patient on my ward. Everyone was in Grateful disbelief how & why some unknown persons would bring them Craig’s famous 🍪 I felt same of @mich_mcq & Lucy who brought these to me, a stranger, along w my 1st real coffee in a long time Cokes too! TY Michelle
Then came cards & letters, they’re still comin from mostly @DisabilityFili1 mutual peeps from #DisabilityTwitter.
When @mssinenomine asked me what I wanted most in hospital. This was it. To hear from y’all. I’m quiet lately as I work on getting well but u mean the world to me 💜
My roomie will tell you unrelenting severe pain has snuffed the light & life out of my eyes. The person I love most misses me bc I have almost no capacity to talk to her for the few mins I force myself to now 🧵
I know I’ve been writing abt my deadly dance w MAiD for awhile. I often feel lk I’m crying wolf. Gawd i want that to b the case. But in Apr @DisabilityFili1 when saying for 1st time out loud I didn’t think I’d b alive next yr, I was already barely hanging on
There are no words for how annihilating months of 8,9,10 outta 10 pain has been. There’s nothing left of my life except trying to stay alive 1 hr at a time until I can maybe medicate myself to sleep. I’ll do “almost ANYTHING to relieve” this pain.
I’ve been saying this for awhile. Saying this to my therapist. But it’s not *just* relevant for when #MAiD becomes available for sole mental illness. Because Bill C7 isn’t medical assistance in dying. It #AssistedSuicide for disabled people who are not dying. What message…
What message do you think state and culturally sanctioned, medically assisted suicide sends to disabled folks before we even talk about poverty or lack of supports? Do we honestly not think someone who wants to prematurely end their life doesn’t incl some lvl of depression? And…
What kind of msg do we think is being sent in headlines after headline, and in a MAiD process when there are clear remedies to suffering, stated by the applicant and/or MAiD assessor but policies, systems and govts will not provide? Would rather euthanize than relieve suffering?
Not just suicide prevention crisis lines. When my therapist asks “do I have a plan?” How fcked up is it that the biggest part of my answer is now that the canadian govt has a plan for me. She then has to take a somewhat neutral position. Why? I’m disabled.
OTD that MAiD is trending & ppl are so outraged abt what #DisablePeopleToldYou was gonna happen. I don’t have more words for how much assisted suicide laws messed w me or what it’s like to have mental health professionals try to help but ultimately must say — It’s your “choice”
Not once in 6 mnths have I had traditional #SuicidePrevention. Nope. Bc I have #disabilities (and severe pain the healthcare system refuses to relieve) I at best get — well if it’s what you really want u’ll hv to see if the drs who refuse you help will give you a lethal injection