Thread by @AWonderBall

🧵 Living and exercising with #DID #ukrunchat
3 weeks ago we pushed the pace whilst out running. Hadn’t done any speed work or hills etc for months as was too worried about my injury prone body. Had several months of steady miles & strength training under my belt & felt ready.

My head was beyond full from everything we are managing - marriage breakdown, prospect of moving home, menopause and of course living with #DissociativeIdentityDisorder - The symptoms for which are just so vast and debilitating that we are too exhausted to try and explain.

TW❗️
That Saturday morning we NEEDED to run hard. Had our mind set on max perceived effort, an out and back of 20 mins each way & ran alongside an experienced and fast runner. So this is where the ability to dissociate becomes dangerous and some might say was an act of #SelfHarm

Whilst running I knew I was at my limit but I needed to try and feel my lungs bursting, my legs burning, my heart pounding. Instead my head separated from my body, my head drove my body yet I felt nothing. I could hear the gasps of our laboured breathing. I was gone #dissociated

It wasn’t until I stopped that I got some pain feedback. My right Achilles was screaming, my left groin shouting, my body was angry and hurt.

And this all ahead of our planned half marathon in Bristol with @Great_Run which was last Sunday. It’s these types of stories that don’t get featured. Guess you can understand that people don’t want to hear about the realities of living with the impact of childhood trauma.

We then spent two weeks desperately trying to undo the damage. A kind of enforced taper! Lots of restorative yoga (which of course can be triggering in itself), foam rolling, gentle walking, massage - you name it we chucked the kitchen sink at it.

Pieced ourselves together and completed the half marathon. That was our aim, just to get around and ‘enjoy’ (which btw we don’t yet experience positive emotions) the day with running buddies.

Once again during the run, we dissociated, blocked out feedback signals - don’t ask me how because it’s so instinctive it just happens. We did feel a bit when we took walk breaks. Then later that evening 💥 BAM. Body signals catch up, one of us who carries the pain was distressed

Then this week we’ve had to manage going into hospital for a colonoscopy. Couldn’t manage just having mild sedation as that’s way too triggering as p/w DID will understand. We had a general with propofol and spent ages on the phone prior to our appointment ‘training’ #NHS re DID

From a running perspective you could say a week of enforced rest wasn’t a bad thing. But nutritionally & emotionally it was a f’ing disaster. Anyway as we do we got through, no ominous findings. Another 6 or so NHS staff now aware of DID given parts switching to play their role.

So our recovery has been hampered, our groin and Achilles pain has triggered body memories, having to not eat has triggered all manner of things. Have to say we are completely and utterly done in. But back to the story of our running….

Why do we run? For social connection, to provide a focus, to give our week structure, to have a reason to strength and cross train (which we find very hard), to help our body be more resilient (maybe) and to EAT MORE.

Like many with #DID we have let’s say an interesting relationship with food. For us we HAVE to know where our next meal is and what it is. Without knowing we go into complete panic, I mean we are talking an extreme version of Hangry with infant parts being triggered.

This morning we are so low. Looking out the window, nursing our poor hurt body and missing out on Saturday runs. Anyone who runs and likes running with buddies know how important weekend runs are. For us they are some of our very few social interactions.

Yes will will walk and feel for those who can’t, yes we will distract, yes we will do more yoga, more this more that. But when we are so completely and utterly spent and exhausted with life, not being able to run really is a complete and utter disaster. We just can’t cope without

Before we had to stop working, we wouldn’t even walk five minutes to the shop. I used to think, what’s the point it’s just wasting time that could be better spent working for farmers which was our vocation.

But when forced to stop work, it was serious cold Turkey. Bit by bit we had to work out how to slow our mind down and it was alien. So we took some steps and walked to the shop. Had to have a purpose of course I mean why just walk without needing to DO something.

On one of these purposeful walks we spotted a posted from a local running club for #couch25k and to our surprise we signed up. We were the epitome of desk to 5k actually as rarely sat on the couch.

And then that was it, looking back a new I guess healthier coping mechanism was born. Instead of work, we would run. We met new people, have become a geek about running shoes and take our ‘sport’ very seriously.

Many people take their sport seriously but fewer do so to keep them alive. We run to keep us alive. Without running the structure drops away, our appetite and hunger signals may go dormant maybe, limited social connections. So no running today and so despite the ☀️ it’s dark here

If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading. We really hope those with far reaching platforms feel able to talk more openly and share REAL stories of people just trying to survive and get through the day.
🧵 -Ends-

@threadreaderapp #unroll please 🙏🏻