That’s how I boarded one cab; we were three at the back and one man sat in front. Then the driver stopped to pick up a plus-size woman.
The woman tried to squeeze herself inside. Ko le werk. The tout outside who was trying to shut the door couldn’t.
“Madam, since you know that you’re fat like this, you should pay for two seats.”
Everywhere in the car was suddenly quiet. The driver looked back to say something to diffuse the situation.
“Ma….ma….damm…wha….what’s this? Ma….dam….driver…help me. She’s kill…ing…me.”
It took everyone minus me, begging, before the woman got up off him.
Something similar happened yesterday.
The driver said something in Hausa to the tout and gave him twenty naira—the fee for loading at that stop.
For the next five minutes, the ride went on as expected, and I stared out the side window at uninteresting scenery punctuated by shifting crowds at the pedestrian and overhead bridges.
An SUV came out of a side street on the right, a woman was at the wheel and three children behind.
Her indicator was flashing appropriately as she tried to ease into the expressway. She had the right of way.
For some reason, he had no intention of slowing down. Instead, he swerved sharply to the left in a bid to get ahead.
The SUV on the other hand, was still turning into the road as was her right.
He finally stopped and the woman drove off without so much as a side glance.
As I opened my mouth to issue a reprimand, the male passenger in front spoke first.
“Driver, what did you just say?”
“Why she no wait make I pass? Na so dem dey do. All these women wey no fit drive.
Common to wait for me to pass, she no fit. Na so she go dey challenge her husband for house.”
Again, I tried to speak but Mr Man-in-Front beat me to it.
What happened next, nobody saw it coming.
He reached down between the driver’s seat and his, released the clasp on his seatbelt, adjusted himself so he was facing the driver and without warning.....
Everyone simultaneously exclaimed. Me, gaskiya, my mouth fell open and my eyes went wide enough for my eyeballs to fall out.
Blinded for a moment, the driver stepped sharply on the brakes.
Stunned, he turned to stare at the man. Then he drove to the side of the road and parked.
“You slap me?” he asked in wonder, when his voice returned.
“You’re a very STUPID man!” Man-in-Front screamed. "Why would you call her ashawo?
“Na you dey mad!” the driver shouted back. “I will kill you! You slap me? I go kill you!”
“You think I’m afraid of that small dagger you’re carrying? I will teach you a lesson today. Just try any nonsense.”
Now, the driver was tall, say 5’9 and looked like he could hold his own in a brawl; Mr Man-in-Front on the other hand appeared to be no taller than 5’3....
I quickly opened the door and joined them. Me, miss this free show? Chukwu ekwekwala ihe ojoo! God forbid!
The other passengers came out too.
Before his hand could connect, Man-in-Front reached up and delivered another tight slap. Then two quick jabs to the stomach. These blows were punctuated with…
“By the time I finish with you”…slap…
The driver doubled over at the blows to his stomach.
“Kneel down!” Mr Man-in-Front thundered. “I say kneel down!”
Now, I don’t know if it was the shock of this diminutive man dishing out such an audacious order....
Trust Nigerians; people quickly gathered and all of us were staring in wonder.
Me, I sat down on a cement road divider and was laughing my head off.
“Oga what happened?”
“Oga no beat am again.”
“Wetin dey happen nah?”
“Tell them!” Man-in-Front shouted at the driver. “Tell them what you said.”
“You say you call am wetin?”
“I call one madam asha…”
I stopped laughing to glance at my watch.
Ewoo! I was late for my appointment. I really wanted to stay and watch the slap fest till the end.
Buy me a car, you people will not hear. You want me to be entering these public vehicles and bringing you people gist.
Let ‘one chance’ people not mistakenly think one day that I have kidnap value o
I hope you guys have a terrific weekend. Let me go and start chewing ice block while I watch this Nigeria vs Iceland game.