Thread by @SuperNerdMike

I ever tell y'all about the time me, Jason of @GradedPointFive, & @OptimusDeadpool took down a Where'd-His-Hair-Go while looking for moonshine down in the Ozarks?

Me & Jason were in best Carolina on unrelated business. Optimus gave us a call after we finished chucking the bodies into the Atlantic, & asked us for a favor.

I said, sure, as long as you drive, since I was just coming down from oxy at the time, & Jason don't drive.

He told us what he needed us for: his mom needed some mountain medicine, since she wasn't feeling too good, & they figured they should try a bit of moonshine infused with yellow dog to get her stomach to settle.

This wasn't the favor, however.

It turns out people were starting to go missing in the mountains. Police were baffled. Bodies were found mutilated, with wheels of cheddar cheese left behind. And though the wallets & purses were later found, most of the money was otherwise untouched.

Police kept finding piles of money beside the corpses, in various denominations.

$1, $5, $20, $50, & even $100 dollar bills, just left in piles near the bodies.

It was a real head scratcher.

While Optimus could have gone alone, he needed to leave his dogs at home to watch mom.

So we went to Missouri to go find Optimus' uncle who still did the mountain run from time to time, & ask him for some of that fancy moonshine medicine they were looking for.

From North Carolina to Missouri, the trip was uneventful.

It was when we got to the forests, well.

It started to get kind of spooky.

The forests, grim as they could be in the middle of fall, loomed overheard while I sat with my shotgun on my lap, Jason with his most the same, & Optimus with his in the rack behind us. Spooky times all around.

Thankfully, on the last stop before we hit the mountain forests proper, I got a bucket of rock salt, & my shaman kit. Something wasn't sitting right with me, & I wanted, no, needed to be ready, just in case what was going down was just as I feared.

My head was aching from lump I got from during the "unrelated business", but I felt I could hold a proper chant in case what I was worried about came to fruition.

It did.

About an hour into the forest, Optimus' truck dies. Grumbling, he went out to go see. I wake Jason.

I motion to head outside the truck, Jason gets out, & I grab the salt bucket from the back, & we cover Optimus while he fusses with the engine.

After about ten minutes, he can't find anything wrong mechanically, since it's like the engine's electrical just died.

Thankfully Jason's trying to handle a nic fit, since he's trying to quit.. Which left the air clear for me to get the first & only hint of the trouble that was coming: the smell of blood & sharp cheddar broke through the autumn smell of the mountains.
"Uh. Optimus. Get your gun."

He closes the hood, & gets his gun, while I hold mine on my shoulder, with a handful of salt in my left.

Then, circling up, we start to hear it.
"Tenn, Tenn, Tenn, Tenn.. Buxth, Buxth, Buxth, Buxth.."

Just repeating that, over & over again, while the shadows grow deeper.

And the only warning we really got after that was when Optimus nearly fired on a jackalope. Which was running from the nastiest, hairiest beast we ever had the misfortune of seeing, with the remaining light glinting off the monsters round eyes like lamp posts.

We opened fire.

Let's step back a bit. Before he passed, me & @Misogynerd 's grandfather gave us a dire warning in the form of a charcoal drawing on a buck skin, depicting what we might become if we paid $10 to post on a forum in the dead of winter: the Where'd-His-Hair-Go

We had opened fire on the beast, turning him to hamburger. But even as we watched, Alexander Hamilton's face on so many bills, crawled over to fix, & repair the wounds the beast was taking.
I chucked my salt, & got walloped into Optimus' truck for my efforts.

I was hurt, but I groaned out, "DID WE REALLY HAVE TO GET INTO A FIGHT WITH ALL THOSE ITALIANS" Jason fired, stunning the beast with his stock. Finally he replied, "No, but it did get Turbo a contract." Optimus opened fire on the beasts back, as I stumble back up.

Now, to properly beat one of these things, you need salt, a song, & a link to the monster's previous identity, before they made the mistake of paying for a forum membership.
I toss more salt at the beast & began to chant & sing.
"I don't pay ten bux, pay ten bux, pay ten bux.."

Then the beast's body began to shimmer, as I held the beat by slapping the hood of the truck, singing the warning.
Jason saw the beasts face when he was shimmering, & asked, "W----, is that-"
"Sunnuvabitch, it is." Optimus' shoulder was nearly out of socket but he recognized him.

Jason cupped his hand to his mouth, & yelled, "HEY! Aren't you that guy that was stalking Laci Greene?"
At this point, the monster paused, saying "N-n-no, that'th juth a falth accuthathon from my groth stalkerth, & harathers."
Optimus was getting his shoulder back into place.

Jason yelled out, kept yelling, "Didn't you also molest some girl at a convention!?" The beast cupped his ears as he cried out, "NO, NO, I DINNIT, I'M A GAY FURRY, I'M A GAY FURRY"
Optimus grabbed my bucket of salt as I held the chant.
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THITH!" The creature yelled.

At which point, Optimus called out, "Pay for this, you bald MOTHER fucker!" And dumped the salt all over the Where'd-His-Hair-Go.
"NO, GOONTH, AVENGE ME" he screamed, exploding into ten dollar bills like a low budget hip hop video, ten bux going everywhere.

So we got the moonshine, I got a couple jars for myself, took a couple t3s for the pain. Jason nearly died after keg standing the still.

When we got back, the medicine did Optimus' mom so good, she baked us biscuits, & gravy at 3 in the morning.

So many god damn biscuits.

They were good, but god damn.