Thread by @pptsapper

Talking to high school freshmen about WWI at 0800 tomorrow

So naturally, I'm drinking

I survived three periods. From the surveys, students enjoyed my stories of dogs in WWI the most, followed by my explanation of the causes of WWI as in a bar fight.

They really liked when Russia stepped out of the fight and punched itself in the face.

FTR, I didn't invent this analogy:
themetapicture.com/if-wwi-was-a-b…
If WWI was a bar fight… - The Meta Picture

I'll admit, mine was a bit different. Starts with Austro-Hungary drinking at the bar, making fun of Serbia. Serbia then punches Austro-Hungary in the face. Annoyed, A-H punches back. Then Serbia calls in it's big brute of a friend, Russia, who's been slamming vodka, for help

So Russia looms over Austro-Hungary, who taps their friend Germany on the shoulder. Germany takes in everything with one slow motion gaze, knowing that if they hit Russia, then Russia's buddy France is going to get involved. So Germany realizes they have to KO France right off

To KO France, Germany has to roundhouse kick Belgium. Then they can turn all attention on Russia. So Germany roundhouses Belgium, who's like "wtaf, I was just sitting here drinking!" and then starts bruising with France. Belgium's friend Britain gets all mad and runs in now.

So now Germany and Austro-Hungary are duking it out with Russia, France, and Britain, while Belgium nurses a bloody nose on the corner. Italy takes a break from its wine bender to run on and punch Austro-Hungary, because that's just what Italy does when it's drunk.

The Ottoman Empire, drinking itself to death, also gets in on the fun, because it knows its days are numbered anyways.

And because the Turks are now fighting, Montenegro leaves its rakia, jumps up, and slams a tiny chair over the head of the Ottoman Empire

Shit is basically on

By 1916, all sides are basically in a circle, leaning their foreheads together, and punching each other in the face. In 1917, Germany glances at Mexico through its black eyes & is like "this is fun, you should join in and attack the USA"

Mexico is sitting by itself with tequila and hitting itself repeatedly, because it's in a civil war and in no state for anything bigger, so Germany gives up on that. But the US overhears this exchange and runs into the fray, all puny, like Steve Rogers pre-Captain America

The other shocking thing to happen in 1917 is that Russia steps back out of the fight, puts up both its fists, and punches itself in the face, falling over onto a table. This frees up one of Germany's hands to really start pummeling France at the beginning of 1918, 4 big punches

But the US has been shooting straight whiskey for about a year, and Germany suddenly realizes that they're a lot bigger. Not very coordinated, but very big. So France, Britain, and the US coordinate a series of haymakers thru summer/fall of 1918 that leaves Germany reeling

Meanwhile, the Ottoman Empire has caught fire and is running around trying to put itself out, while Italy and Austro-Hungary have climbed on top of the bar and are basically hugging it out while occasionally walloping each other when they get the energy.

Then Austro-Hungary finally realizes it has a drinking problem and takes a seat, followed by the Turks. Germany can't see out of either eye, is bleeding, and has two broken legs, but insists that it's fine, can keep fighting, and would've won if it weren't for the politicans

Then the US, France, and Great Britain (am including Commonwealth countries in GB) all get together & start singing drunkenly, until the US raises 14 points of order, at which time France & England start singing about how Germany sucks & make it pay for all the bar damage

End.