Thread by @pptsapper

Hai I've had some wine and realized today is an AUSPICIOUS day I. The history of the things of the country and stuff. HARK TO MY TALE.

so a long time ago in a northwest territory far far away, there was almost a war about Toledo

Ohio. Toledo, Ohio.

I know right

Look . This all goes back to SHITTY TREATY WRITING. if the Brits hadn't been in SO MUCH OF A HURRY to cut out and run back to their tea after the Treaty of Paris, maybe shit like this wouldn't have happened grumble grumble grumble

ANYWAYS

The important shit to know here is that there's the issue with surveying the boundary and the whole vague issue of like, what, and where some of the Great lakes were. Like one does. The Northwest Ordinance was like "no they're here" the the NO was the shit, dude

The Northwest Ordinance said the border of what would eventually be that place up north was the southern side of lake Michigan running to the border of Brit Canada or whatever. Which is cool and all but literally no one could agree where that was.

Like, no shit, there were three pseudo wars fought because no one could agree on the borders of Canada and the US. I mean shot, there's still an island in Maine claimed by both nations because apparently maps are hard in 2018

Right. So. Borders. Well, when Ohio goes to Congress in 1802 is like "WE AWESOME AND WE GONNA STATE UP IN THIS SHIT," they define their northern border off- and I shit you not - the reports of a fur trapper about where Lake Michigan was, which - surprise - IS NOT ACCURATE

Now this is cool and works out because when Ohio submits their Constitution to Congress, someone totally catches this discrepancy between Ohio's law and the Northwest Ordinance

Hahahahahaha no of course they don't and it goes into law and gawd isn't history fun

Shockingly it takes like 30 years for this shit to catch up to Congress which figures cause they'd all died or reitred but catch up it does because some people settle in the strip of land between the Michigan territory and Ohio, make a port, and r like "uh, who are we?"

So all the surveys commissioned by Congress go out and start surveying, like surveys do, and they were efficient and figured it out

Hahahahahaha no the Ohio survey was run by a former governor of Ohio and the Michigan survey by some random dude from Michigan

So this little strip of land called the Toledo Strip - if there's not a strip club in Toledo named this, I'll be sad - develops, like 5-8 miles of land

And you're prolly like, "so? Toledo is a shit hole."

TRANSPORT your minds dear readers. To when canals & rivers were YUGE

The Toledo Strip connected Michigan, Indiana, and Ohio via waterways - or - literally the entire fucking east coast with the developing shit in the growing west, and the strip was fertile as fuck, because loam and shit. So yeah. SO MUCH commerce at stake.

Suddenly 1833 happens

1833 is when enough criminals had populated Michigan to apply for statehood, which they do, and then in the greatest fucking troll of all time and I'm so proud of my native state for it, Ohio cockblocks Michigan in Congress to keep them from getting statehood

SO PRPUD

In a fit of petulant angst, Michigan calls a Constitutional convention anyways in 1835, even tho Congress didn't authorize it

Then Ohio is like "whatever" and straight up sets up COunty governments in the Toledo Strip.

Michigan is like "dude wtf"

So Michigan right now is led by Stevens Mason who looks totally like Jim Bellucci and he's all young and fiery and passes the Motjerfucking Pains and Penalties Act, making it a criminal act for Ohio to do Ohio things in the Toledo Strip.

O and he called up the militia too

So Ohio is like "issss onnnnn" and Governer Lucas leads his troops up towards Toledo whille Mason occupies it & suddenly it about to be Dobkey Kong

I mean, on.

Ok so into this mess steps President Andrew Jackson, s totally level headed dude.

Hahahahahaha yeah no

So Jackson is like "ohio wins this thing." But then his Attorney General is like "nope, Toledo belongs to Michigan."

Awkwaaaaaard

So, Jackson decides on a new thing: let the people leaving there vote on where they wanna live.

Ohio is like "cool, cool" and stands down

TWIST

Michigan agrees to no such thing and harasses area residents with threats from their militia, and start arresting people

And then the shooting started

(Totally gonna start a book with that sentence)

Ok so the shooting may or may not have been into the air, we don't really know, but there was shooting in 1835 and suddenly GODDAMMIT IM OUT OF WINE

Ugh

Anyways, Ohio is like "Fark no" and starts militarizing again

MI says they're ready to "welcome them to hospitable graves"

Now we enter the period that I like to call the "let's sue the fuck outta everyone" where people on both sides kept suing each other which lasts until the "stabbing period" where a guy named Two Stickney stabs a Michigan deputy sheriff with a pen knife

Two. Who names that

Ok so, by summer of 1835, Andy Jackson is like "what the actual fucks, y'all" and removes Mason as Michigan's governor, replacing him with Little Jack Horner who was so unpopular that people threw vegetables at him

Ok his name was John but they legit called him that

So Michigan holds elections and gets Mason back, and sends representatives to DC - where they have to sit in the gallery because Congress is still like "we didn't authorize you."

Michigan is like "WE WANNA STATE TOOOOOO" and Jackson goes, "Yeah? Hand over Toledo"

TWIST

In concession, Jackson is like "hey you can have this worthless wilderness in upper Michigan that may or may not be owned by Canada, we'll see about this later"

Michigan is all "no"

Then Michigan realized they were flat broke

And on December 14, they caved, and signed

So Michigan became a state, and later discovered all this copper and shit in the UP, and the Toledo became, well, Toledo, so now Michigan says they won

But they didn't, because they're still Michigan, and we don't give a damn about the whole state of it

So that's the famous Toledo War, where no one died and some guy named Two stabbed a dude with a penknife

And it's why there shall always be an enmity placed between Ohio and Michigan. We shall strike at their football while they strike at our basketball

Oh, and the most lovely of ironies: Buckeye George Armstrong Custer leading the Michigan cavalry brigade into battle at Gettysburg with , "come on you wolverines!" thus cementing their nickname

Ah, frenemies

Oh, and for future searches, this had been another epsidoes of #drunjhistory and now I'm eating plain rice out of the takeout box because it is for winners aka i alreayd ate the rest of my snacks and the wine is gone