Thread by @delaneykingrox

Captain Marvel: so, you must be The #Avengers.

Thor: I like this one.

Valkyrie: Dibs.

Thor: What is this dibs you speak o.. oh, they're kissing. Ha ha! Splendid!

Raccoon: Cool. Now let's go get Captain America's boyfriend back before Tom Holland leaks the ending.

Marvel, hire me you cowards!

Nebula: *gasping in cyborg* I knew my sister was lying about men not being able to find the clitoris.

Tony: what can I say, I spend a lot of time inside robots. But, to be fair, I had FRIDAY pull up your schematics.

Fade up: Avengers and Guardians sitting eating shawarma. Marvel and Valkyrie are not sitting on chairs properly, making out.

The window smashes as Deadpool hurtles through. He lands on the table.

Deadpool: well, this is an expensive casting call.

Venom appears at window

Deadpool: oh hey Spidey... nice suit. Do they CG your eyes too?

Venom: where are we?

Deadpool: we, my friend, are in a legal battle that will make infinity war seem like a snap. Oh, sorry Parker... too soon?

Valkyrie: so do you have a girlfriend?

Marvel: its...

Valkyrie: complicated?

Marvel: no, heavily implied.

Valkyrie: been there babe. *swigs bottle* been there

Thor: who are you guys?

Mr.Fantastic: we are the fantastic four.

Starlord (played by Ellen Page): who?

Nebula: noone can love a cold, narcissistic, murdering creature that is mostly machine.

Tony: Nebula, you are not...

Nebula: I was talking about you

Thanos: don't you see? Everything was better before you meddled.

Widow: well, there where almost enough ladies stalls at mall toilets after the snap... so...

Thor: Loki, my brother! I have never felt such joy to see you.

Loki:*beat* I am a horse.

Thor: yes, I'll admit, that is a large part of the joy.

Korg: you should try it, cuz.
Thing: warm mud baths?
Korg: soothing on the erodes parts my friend. Gets right into the cracks.
Thing: bud, I...
Korg: oh, we can go to the spa together, get a hot stone massage. Get it? Little stone humour there.

Groot: I am Groot.
Meek *indecipherable clicking*
Groot: *nodding sagely* I am Groot.

Cuts to: interior. Divey Bar.

We see the Avengers battling generic CG monsters on through the window. Two people sit drinking at the bar, one glances up at the window then back to her drink.

Jessica Jones: not this shit again.

Wolverine: tell me about it.

Cap flops back into the pillow. A metal arm wraps around him as impossibly silky brown hair falls across his chest like a cascade of impossibly silky brown hair.

Cap: now I know why they call you Bucky.

Scarlet Witch: who is that?

Tony: huh? Oh. That's Friday. Banner and I had an infinity stone spare so we made her the same way we turned Jarvis into your love toy. You're welcome, by the way.

Scarlet witch: she's... beautiful.

Tony: we need an android kink anonymous.

Nebula: sister.

Gamora: so... you and Iron Man huh?

Nebula: we where trapped in space. Alone. With nothing but tools

*beat*

and lubricant.

Gamora: Quill?

Quill: yeah. It's me. Though Dormammu's cataclysm field brought me back as a woman... and... way more supportive of LGBTIQA+ people for some reason... *shrugs* goddamn magic.

Anyway, are we still...

Gamora: sorry... I'm straight.

Quill: makes one of us.

Hela: wai... what? What happened... I was...

Dr. Strange: I used The Eye of Agamotto to rescue you a moment before you where crushed.

Hela: what do you want of me?

*Cate Blanchett mysterious narrowing of the eyes (tm)*

Strange: I need you to kill Thanos.

Strange: behold, London, Earth.

Hela: Thanos destoyed it?

Strange: ahhh, no. Valkyrie and Marvel had drunken sex.

As Marvel Studios have not hired me as a Script Doctor since posting this, maybe you mighten mayhaps buy me a coffee at ko-fi.com/dellak

Group therapy session:

Rocket: I... uh this is difficult.

Therapist: go on, Rocket.

Rocket: I just... I just don't think I belong in the tone of this film. This is like all, navel gazing angst and I mean, look at me, I am the NRA's take on Wind in the fucking Willows

Drax: The Earthling Jessica Jones said a lot of things to me, none of which where literal.

Ant man: I heard.

Drax: what is a "douch bag" and why is it "negging" that "poor bug girl".

Ant man: well...

Drax: I assume you are the bug girl with no money to which she refers

Banner: So Thanos' snap didn't kill anyone, it divided all life between two universes.

Thor: we must find a way to undo this.

Stark: we have 3 hours.

Peter: Mr. Stark, I... don't think my bladder is gonna be able to hold that long.

Stark: tell the directors that.

Stark: wait... how is Peter here? And what is with the dad bod?

Peter: oh... I am Peter from another Spiderverse. Hi.

Stark: another... what now?

Peter: I jumped through a plot hole.

Banner: that's it! We can use plot holes!

If you cut all this together with some shots of various heroes in pain and pans of epic stuff happening, you have a pretty decent trailer.

INT: Night: Gamora' bunk. Enter Starlady.

Quill: Gamora!

Gamora: Quill!

Quill: what the hell are you going?

Hela: Hel-A. With an A.

Quill: YOU TOLD ME YOU WHERE STRAIGHT!

Gamora: I am but... have you SEEN her?

Hela stretches like a fed cat.

Quill: I... fair.

Widow storms in, seething.

Widow: Did you have sex with Banner?

Valkyrie: no.

Widow: oh... Thor just said...

Valkyrie: I shagged Hulk.

*long beat*

Widow: you can... I mean... how is that...? I mean... is it to scale?

Valkyrie: let's just just put it this way. HULK SMASH

Black Panther: I had no choice but to take a guess.

Shuri: Go on? What did you say?

Black panther: I said... aw hell naw Karen, keep your bland ass potato salad to yourself.

*Shuri nods excitedly.*

Shuri: and?

Black Panther: it was the correct answer. I was victorious.

Banner: Okay, we don't have much time, we need Shuri to construct a...

Cap: uh, doc.

Banner: vibranium cranium that..

Cap: Doc.

Banner: ...with an anti-adamantium core so...

Cap: DOC!

*silence*

Banner: Shuri too? W... when did that happen?

Cap: during the poster campaign.

Hulk: me back. Me ready SMASH STUFF

Widow gestures to Valkyrie, who is still making out with Captain Marvel.

Widow: that's what she said.

Captain America: Captain.

Captain Marvel: Captain.

Stark: Rhodes here made Lt. Colonel and he is a fraction of your ages.

*They glare at him. Rhodes looks uneasy. Tony pops a peanut in his mouth and chews like Brad Pit*

Stark: jus' sayin. *chews*

Thanos' cronies are now a smoking charred corpses.

Stark: Pepper, how did you do that?

Pepper: what? Oh, since you have that thing in your chest the last scene voice over in Iron Man 3 obviously doesn't count.

Stark: So killer hot flushes and melt downs I... will shut up now

Thanos: fools, you will never defeat me!

John Wick: Thanos! About my dog.

Cuts back to the group therapy session.

Howard The Duck: you think you're tonally out of place? Don't forget I am in this universe.

*rocket nods*

Rocket: sorry what George did to you man.

Jessica Jones: can you like, sign my compliance form so I can get the fuck out of here?

Nebula: They're all gone. Dead. Ended by Thanos.

Peter: this one is The Devil of Hell's Kitchen. That's Punisher. Danny Rand...

Stark:no. Not Thanos. Something worse

Peter: Omg, Jessica Jones! She was in my class in highschool. She looks so much older in this universe.

Thanos: what? What is going on?

Strange: Thanos, I am here to bargain.

Thanos: didn't we just do this?

Strange: get used to it.

Peter: hello ma'am, I'm Peter. Parker.

Hela: I am Hela, Goddess of Death.

Spiderman: oh. Cool. Cool hat.

Hela: thanks. I got it to blind cosplayers at Comicon.

Spiderman: Comicon? Oh hey, Daniel Radcliffe cosplayed me once.

Hela: really?

Spiderman: yep.

Hela: Impressive

Valkyrie: then Carol punched that Thanos geezer full in the knob.

*valkyrie leans into Groots ear and whispers*

I... love... her. Like. Proper. I am really scared.

Groot: I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.

Valkyrie: you think?

Groot: I am Groot.

Valkyrie: thanks man.

Marvel: okay, here's the plan... first wave attack- the white men from really privileged backgrounds who learn to be heroes through training montages in Asia.

Stark: hey.

Danny Rand: hey.

Dr. Strange: hey.

Pepper: no.

Stark: Dragonlady

Pepper: no.

Stark: Weekend at Burneys

*Pepper glares*

Peter: hot pepper.

*Pepper smiles warmly at Peter*

Stark: kid.

*Tony Glares*

Mantis: Black Widow, has anyone ever told you that you look like Motoko Kusanagi from that Earth Manga?

Widow: no.

Mantis: stick with that.

Marvel: ok team, Iron Man, Falcon, go for the ship.

Falcon: roger.

Marvel: Hot Pepper go f...

Stark: really? We're going with Hot Pepper?

Hot Pepper: Tony, shut up.

Marvel: Hot Pepper, take out the troops. Show the boys how we do it.

Hot Pepper: high. Further. Faster baby.

Nebula: Thanos is my father. Gamora is my sister.

Thor: Loki is my brother. Adopted. Hela is my sister. Sadly, not adopted.

The Vision: Peter is Tony's son.

Everyone looks shocked, Tony included.

Vision: I was Tony's butler. I monitored all his... indiscretions.

Peter:..

Starlord: everyone is finding me suddenly being played by Ellen Page challenging. Plus with Cap & Winter, Gamora & Hela and Marvel & Valkyrie there is a lot of rainbow in this film.

Vision: I have two dads.

Quill: what?

Vision: Dr. Stark and Dr. Banner.

Quill: huh.

Marvel: Hela and Pepper have destroyed all of the generic CG enemies.

Hawkeye: I helped.

*everyone chuckles uncomfortably*

Hawkeye: what? I can only carry 20 arrows.

*someone coughs*

Hawkeye: 20 really good shots.

Thor pats his shoulder.

Thor: fine shots, my friend.

Nebula: you seem tense Stark. The sex is sub optimal.

Stark: sub o.. seriously Neb, where did you learn English?

Nebula: is this about Peter being your son?

Stark: no. Maybe. Shut up.

*Nebula suck in a breath.*

Stark: but... no, seriously why can you speak English?

Stark: so Peter, I had Pepper organise you a trust fund.

Peter: gee, thanks... Dad

Stark: yeah, thats...

Peter: totally still weird.

Stark: oh, so heads up, I also hid an overly cryptic message for you in a giant railway model. Don't ask, it's kind of a family tradition.

Support my shitposting.

Buy me a coffee at ko-fi.com/dellak.

Thanos did, so I helped him get the Infinity Gauntlet. He said it was handy. I laughed. He laughed. His minions laughed. He killed half his minions. Good times.

Stark: Hey Banner, you roll in cheetos or something?

Susan: that's Ben Grimm. Aka The Thing.

Stark: you have a Hulk too? That's neat. Orange is the new... well, green I guess.

Marvel: I think I am falling in love with Valkyrie. I... have never met anyone like her.

Groot: I am Groot.

Marvel: she did? What did she say?

Groot: I am Groot.

Marvel: I suppose, I mean, I already have a cat and a motorbike.

Groot: I am Groot.

Marvel: right. I will.

Widow: (in Russian) we need a scene where we don't talk about men.

Scarlet Witch: (In Russian) I have heard of this... the how do you say... Bechamel test?

Widow: Bechdel.

SW: I enjoy Dykes to Watch Out For.

Widow: hey, what you do in your private life is none of my business.

Thor: aha, we both have one eye now...

Nick Fury: well, actually, when I was unsnapped I got my eye back.

Thor: damn, I had prepared a "not seeing eye to eye joke" for this occasion.

*beat*

Thor: you're gonna shoot me in the balls again aren't you?

Welp, that's your lot. My name is Delaney King and I am available for projects. Deop me a DM and be sure to check out my art. ;)

delaneyking.com

May The Force be ever in your favour, and prosper.

Good nighy X

(Bows)

Yes. Deop is a word. It's a word now.

Wait... one last one.

Spidey: I will go with Pepper' team. I am worried about her. I think she is really drunk.

Stark: So Peter Parker Picked the Pack with Pickled Pepper?

Cuts to Thanos grabbing his skull.

Thanos:no! Dad jokes! My only weakness!!! Ahhhhhhh

*head explodes*

Well, this thread proved remarkably popular.