Thread by @BeanTownCop

So, like, y’all wanna hear story?

#StoryTime

It’s was just another ordinary November day. I was brand new on midnights, just a few months off FTO. I was still adjusting to being a cop, being on midnights, and figuring out my coworkers. I was fortunate that the midnights were, and still are, the tightest group.

Now, most departments staff the midnight shift the lightest. The general rule of thumb is that midnights are a slower shift than the other two. But typically, if something happens on mids, it’s usually something good.

That’s why the midnight guys are very tight knit. They have to be able to trust each other. We don’t have the luxury of backup. We don’t have detectives and School Resource Officers and other specialized units. It’s just us.

So I’m a young buck, ready to prove myself. Im full of piss and vinegar. The other guys take their time getting to know me and I respect their apprehensions. They make small talk but they’re not fully investing in me until I show them I belong and they can trust me.

We get a few decent calls in those months, but nothing that showcases what I’m capable of. *I* know I have good tactics and all that jazz but they still need to see it.

So on this particular day, I get in to work. The evening shift reported that it was quiet. Day shift, same. We get our car and sector assignments and I hit the road. It was just your typical shift. I did my building checks. I backed up the guys in car stops. It was all normal.

.....I had no idea what was about to hit.

As the light early morning fog rolled in, I remember being in the center of town. The radio had been quiet for some time and I could feel my eyelids getting heavier.

Just as I was pulling into an empty parking lot, the alert tone goes out. Now, if you’re a cop, you know exactly what that does to you. You snap RIGHT out of whatever funk you’re in because you know some shits going down.

Ya, not me. First time hearing it. So I’m confused af

I’m literally staring at my radio like, “is this thing working? Stop making that noise. What the hell”

Just as I’m about to hit my radio with my baton, the dispatcher comes over the air in a frantic tone shouting “ALL UNITS, RESPOND TO THIS LOCATION. CALLER ON THE LINE SAYS SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL HIM AND HIS FRIEND WITH A SWORD.”

Now, my butthole puckers up because

A.) the nature of the call

2.) I’m dumb and just realized what that noise was and

D.) I realize someone is literally getting murdered.

So I pull out of my spot fast af and start accelerating towards the location. In my head, I thought I looked like this:

But in reality I think I looked like this:

Now, Internal Affairs would love to have me tell you how fast I was going on a residential street. Well, IA, I ain’t finna tell you BUT I will say it was a very rookie thing to do and I have learned from that and grown.

(Fast. I was going very very fast)

So I’m flying to the call and I’m mentally preparing myself for what I’m gonna do. “Ok it’s lethal force but maybe it’s not. Is he still killing? Is he gonna run away? Is it even real? Is the caller on drugs?”

As I’m flying Mach 69, dispatch updates that the two callers are locked in a bathroom and that the person is actively trying to break down the door. So as if I wasn’t already going lightspeed, I pushed that Ford Explorer to its limits.

Im on autopilot at this point. I’m so focused on the call that I don’t even realize my turn is coming up. By the time I realized I needed to turn, my body miscalculated the speed I was going and the timing to slam my breaks. Now, I was faced with two options:

1.) I could slam my breaks but continue going straight, Miss the turn, back up, and then turn.

Or:

2.) I could just go full send and YEET it around the turn.

You already know what I did.

So I crank the wheel and slam my breaks and instead of going in the direction of my wheel, my cruiser continued to go straight. Fam, I screamed. Like a girl. High pitched. Idc. Judge me.

So my cruiser goes straight and I hit the curb in front of me. Immediately, the dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree and I’m like “fuck.” And then I try to drive and my cruiser is NOT happy with me and I’m like “DOUBLE FUCK.” And then I realized my front tire is popped.

I look at my cruiser like it’s HER fault. But I’m so close to the location. So I have two options again:

1.) limp my cruiser to the apartment,

Or

2.) be a hardo and run to the location.

Now, I chose option one but honestly, as much as I’d like to say it was a choice made on critical thinking and knowing that the responding cops would be confused af seeing an empty trashed cruiser on their response, but it was because I was too lazy. Idc

So I limp that bitch to the apartment complex and pull up like this

And the funny thing was that I turned off my headlights to be tactical but the cruiser was making so much noise that it really didn’t matter.

Now, I should’ve waited for backup but I wanted to prove myself so I did the dumb thing and started approaching the apartment on my own. I buzzed every apartment until someone let me in. I climb up the stairs like a swat commando: tactical af

I get to the door and I can hear the guy screaming. “IM GONNA GET YOU. IM GONNA GET YOU. OPEN UP.” It was a deep, maniacal, throaty voice. I was literally expecting Lucifer

So I kick that door in. Tbh, I could’ve checked if it was unlocked but I’ve always wanted to kick in a door so I did. No fucks given.

As I enter, I see a room in disarray. Candles burning. The smell of incense. Body odor. A carpet in the middle of the room. And in the middle of the carpet, a pentagram.

And then standing in front of me, with his back to me, was this skinny hipster looking fuck.

Now, his back was to me, but I could see the heavy breathing. And in his hand was a LOOOOOOONG ass sword. Like, game of thrones sword.

So I draw down, because this shit is real. There’s literally a dude with a sword, and it’s reasonable to assume there are two people trapped in a bathroom. So I muster up any amount of courage I had and in my big boy voice shout “POLICE. DROP THE SWORD.”

He doesn’t even flinch.

I repeat my commands. “POLICE BITCH. DROP THE SWORD.”

Idk if I actually said “bitch” but for the sake of this story, I did.

Homeboy has no interest in me.

Now, my backup is starting to arrive and they’re seeing what’s going on. I was the first officer so I gave commands.

I told them that hes not complying. We start talking about less lethal options and positioning and all of a sudden, this mother fucker does something that you will never believe, but it 100% happened:

As we’re going over options, this bitch TURNS HIS HEAD ALMOST 180 DEGREES BACKWARDS.

His body is still facing away, but his HEAD TURNS ALMOST ALL THE WAY AROUND TO FACE US.

BRUH IVE NEVER WANTED TO YEET OUT A WINDOW MORE IN MY LIFE

I don’t mess with that voodoo or witchcraft shit.

AND IF THAT WASNT BAD ENOUGH, THIS ASSHOLE BEGINS TO SPEAK TO US.

“It will not rape. It will not rape. It will not rape. IT WILL NOT RAPE. IT WILL NOT RAPE. IT WILL NOT RAPE.”

Over and over again.

So me peepee tucks itself in. Like, I literally had negative penis for the duration of this call. I had never seen anything like this before.

We’re all staring at each other like, is this really happening?

We didn’t carry tasers at my agency at this time so we’re fucked.

It was at this moment that I made the executive decision. I holstered up, prayed to god, and mentally came up with a plan

I kept my eyes fixated on this fucker and decided to spear tackle him as fast and as hard as I could. Was it the best idea? No. Was it the worst idea?

Honestly, it really was. Literally no cop would do this and idk wtf I was thinking but all I knew was I wanted it to stop.

So I did. I spear tackled that bitch.

I tackle him and everyone pig piles on him. The guy doesn’t resist but he also doesn’t stop chanting “IT WILL NOT RAPE.” Over and over again. We get the cuffs on him and someone goes to check on the other two guys. They’re both okay. Uninjured but mentally fucked.

The fire department comes and transports this weirdo because we realized he was on some sort of drug.

Now, I bet you’re all wondering and thinking to yourselves, “Bean! Why did this happen?! Im so confused!”

Calm yourself, I’m finna tell you

So apparently, these 3 people are a part of a “satanic” cult even though I’m pretty sure they play dungeons and dragons and have no idea what a real cult really is. Dweebs.

According to them, they were performing a ritual which requires chicken blood. They’ve done this before

Our friend in the ambulance was the leader. Now, they all admitted to have taken a drug called DMT. It’s basically a psychedelic drug. Normally, they just take a little bit. But on this particular day, our fearless leader decided he was gonna go full send. Why, you ask?

APPARENTLY, these three are also a part of some sex orgy. These two also happened to be transgender. I guess in the course of their adventures, these two decided they were in love and no longer wanted to be a part of the orgy. This was not ok with the leader.

He ended up getting extremely upset and decided that was not allowed. In his fit of rage, he must’ve consumed more DMT than usual. According to the two guys, he became irate and said that instead of chicken blood, this time, he was gonna offer up REAL blood.

So once all was said and done, we rescued these two guys, told them we’d handle the leader and advised them strongly that it was probably a good idea to disband their cute little satan club and to stick with Pokémon or something.

As we’re waking out, the Sgt pulls me aside. I’m thinking hes gonna pat me on the back and say what a good job I did. So I walk over like this.

Bruh, the verbal ASS CHEWING I GOT for violating almost every rule in our policies, and the blatant disregard for procedures and officer safety, I wanted to die. I deserved it but I wanted to die.

So once the Sgt was done yelling at me, I realized that he didn’t even realize my cruiser was dead

So then I was like “oh hey, uhhhh sarge? By the way..... 😅”

He just stared at me, and then at the cruiser, and then back at me, and said nothing but I know internally he was like:

I literally thought I was going to get fired. But I didn’t. And the shift, although bewildered at how dumb careless, reckless, and idiotic I was, accepted me. I’m paraphrasing but they said “anyone willing to spear tackle satan is good in our books”

So ya.

#TheEnd