So I'm going through the Old Testament, right?
Riiiiiiiight.
Don't worry, I'm not planning on doing the same thing as I did with the New Testament. Twitter would have shut down before I'm even a quarter of the way through!
Riiiiiiiight.
Don't worry, I'm not planning on doing the same thing as I did with the New Testament. Twitter would have shut down before I'm even a quarter of the way through!
Trying not to do this but...
Genesis 39:22
Whyyyyyy would a keeper put a prisoner in charge of other prisoners? Slaves I can understand, but prisoners?
That makes no sense.
Among sooooo many other things so far. -_-
Genesis 39:22
Whyyyyyy would a keeper put a prisoner in charge of other prisoners? Slaves I can understand, but prisoners?
That makes no sense.
Among sooooo many other things so far. -_-
Oh, he went from prisoner to (bond)servant.
Makes more sense.
But then... Genesis 42:23
Whyyyyy would Joseph have needed an interpreter?
Or does that mean one of the brothers had loose lips?
Makes more sense.
But then... Genesis 42:23
Whyyyyy would Joseph have needed an interpreter?
Or does that mean one of the brothers had loose lips?
What is up with all the incest and how had I glazed over that Moses and Aaron were the product of their father banging his aunt?
With all the women on Earth... just... just why.
Muh Pure Bloodlines? I guess?
Ugh. -_-
With all the women on Earth... just... just why.
Muh Pure Bloodlines? I guess?
Ugh. -_-
Exodus 7:22
Ignoring the part about Aaron needed to hold his hand over the water...
"But the magicians of Egypt did the same by their secret arts."
They did what, exactly?
I thought God turned all water into blood already.
Also, tell us more about Egypts magical powers.
What?
Ignoring the part about Aaron needed to hold his hand over the water...
"But the magicians of Egypt did the same by their secret arts."
They did what, exactly?
I thought God turned all water into blood already.
Also, tell us more about Egypts magical powers.
What?
Caaaaan't help it.
If the Magicians of Egypt also made frogs happen...
Why did Pharaoh ignore it this time?
Also, whatever happened to the "Now I'm a leper, now I'm not!" proof?
God nixed that idea???
If the Magicians of Egypt also made frogs happen...
Why did Pharaoh ignore it this time?
Also, whatever happened to the "Now I'm a leper, now I'm not!" proof?
God nixed that idea???
Say it and repeat it until people believe it.
Give it a sense of wonder and inclusive spectacle.
Threaten those who threaten your narrative.
It may sound like I'm talking about 2020, but I'm actually starting Leviticus.
Give it a sense of wonder and inclusive spectacle.
Threaten those who threaten your narrative.
It may sound like I'm talking about 2020, but I'm actually starting Leviticus.
Leviticus 11:20-23
Uh... God?
Insects have (at least) six legs... not just four.
Uh... God?
Insects have (at least) six legs... not just four.
All of Leviticus 15.
Periods aren't the most pleasant things in the world, but they're not THAT bad.
Grow up.
Periods aren't the most pleasant things in the world, but they're not THAT bad.
Grow up.
Just finished Leviticus and, in my mind's eye, I could see the speaker throwing up his hands every time he'd say " I am the LORD!".
Imagine one of the Blues Brothers doing it after every statement. Something along those lines.
Imagine one of the Blues Brothers doing it after every statement. Something along those lines.
Numbers 16:15
Who is Moses to command God like that?
Honestly.
Who is Moses to command God like that?
Honestly.
Phew.
Done with Numbers.
I'm not even going to bother questioning why the LORD doesn't consider marrying a first cousin to be incest.
I'm just gonna get through Duderonomy like a bruh and waltz my way outta Pentatoke and into the rest o the OT Kush.
Done with Numbers.
I'm not even going to bother questioning why the LORD doesn't consider marrying a first cousin to be incest.
I'm just gonna get through Duderonomy like a bruh and waltz my way outta Pentatoke and into the rest o the OT Kush.
So uuuuh...
Deuteronomy 9:18
Moses just sorta... Didn't eat nor drink for 40 days...
Ignoring the hallucinations that would have undoubtedly caused... he would have died after only a few days of no water.
Is uh... that ever explained or am I expected to just go along with it?
Deuteronomy 9:18
Moses just sorta... Didn't eat nor drink for 40 days...
Ignoring the hallucinations that would have undoubtedly caused... he would have died after only a few days of no water.
Is uh... that ever explained or am I expected to just go along with it?
Aight. Finished Deuteronomy. Just a recap of the previous 4 books.
Already onto the next one.
Joshua! Let's see if he too is a Magic Jew.
Already onto the next one.
Joshua! Let's see if he too is a Magic Jew.
Josh 3:11-17
K... so now the Jordan was split.
Yet all anyone ever talks about is the Red Sea.
I wonder how many more times this is gonna happen...
K... so now the Jordan was split.
Yet all anyone ever talks about is the Red Sea.
I wonder how many more times this is gonna happen...
Josh 10:14
"There has been no day like it before nor since, when the LORD heeded the voice of a man..."
Uh... no?
He did that all the time for Moses.
Otherwise God would have killed Israel (the congregation) on multiple occasions due to His constant anger and short temper.
"There has been no day like it before nor since, when the LORD heeded the voice of a man..."
Uh... no?
He did that all the time for Moses.
Otherwise God would have killed Israel (the congregation) on multiple occasions due to His constant anger and short temper.
I gotta jump back a bit.
Where did the story of Balaam come from?
From whose perspective is it written?
Who witnessed it?
Who told the authors of the OT?
Or is it an older tale that was incorporated, as the rest?
Gilgamesh, for example...
I'm 2/3 through Josh.
Been buggin' me.
Where did the story of Balaam come from?
From whose perspective is it written?
Who witnessed it?
Who told the authors of the OT?
Or is it an older tale that was incorporated, as the rest?
Gilgamesh, for example...
I'm 2/3 through Josh.
Been buggin' me.
Kek, finished Joshua.
Oddly, Judges has a recap!
"Last time on Hebrew Ball Z!"
Oddly, Judges has a recap!
"Last time on Hebrew Ball Z!"
Judges 19.
Dafuq.
Finished Judges.
Finished Ruth.
Into 1 Samuel.
"And he judged them 40 years."
Aaaaaalways 40.
Dafuq.
Finished Judges.
Finished Ruth.
Into 1 Samuel.
"And he judged them 40 years."
Aaaaaalways 40.
1 Sam 15: God REGRETTED making Saul a king.
I'm... I'm sorry. WHAT?
Later:
Saul goes to a medium and talks to the now dead Samuel.
...
By what magic or Divine authority did THAT happen?
Does it happen again in the OT or what's up?
I'm... I'm sorry. WHAT?
Later:
Saul goes to a medium and talks to the now dead Samuel.
...
By what magic or Divine authority did THAT happen?
Does it happen again in the OT or what's up?
Made it to 1 Kings 14.
Everyone keeps turning from The LORD God, who is God, and also Lord.
He legiterally appeared to them in some fashion, and they still sided with other gods.
And again with the Golden Calves?
And so much betrayal and senseless killing on everyone's part...
Everyone keeps turning from The LORD God, who is God, and also Lord.
He legiterally appeared to them in some fashion, and they still sided with other gods.
And again with the Golden Calves?
And so much betrayal and senseless killing on everyone's part...
Elijah raised a kid from the dead and no one batted an eye.
Then in 2 Kings 2, both Elijah and Elishah split the Jordan like Moses.
Seems to be a running theme.
Then in 2 Kings 2, both Elijah and Elishah split the Jordan like Moses.
Seems to be a running theme.
2 Kings 4:18-36
Elisha raises the dead.
2 Kings 4:42-44
Very little bread is used to feed hundreds. This was after the Widow's Oil being expanded.
2 Kings 5
Elisha heals a leper.
I feel like this is a big part of what the NT was mirroring.
Elisha raises the dead.
2 Kings 4:42-44
Very little bread is used to feed hundreds. This was after the Widow's Oil being expanded.
2 Kings 5
Elisha heals a leper.
I feel like this is a big part of what the NT was mirroring.
Finished 2 Kings.
"And all the rest of the stuff so and so did, is it not in The Book Of The Chronicles Of The Kings Of Israel?!"
iiiiiiiis it?
Oh look, books called Chronicles!
Let's find out!
"And all the rest of the stuff so and so did, is it not in The Book Of The Chronicles Of The Kings Of Israel?!"
iiiiiiiis it?
Oh look, books called Chronicles!
Let's find out!
Loving 1 Chronicles.
Every other passage, a thought pops into my head:
"This is religion?"
Almost done.
Sooooo many lists. -_-
Every other passage, a thought pops into my head:
"This is religion?"
Almost done.
Sooooo many lists. -_-
Interdasting...
Ezra 7 switches to first person like how I noted it in the New Testament.
Starts with the letter from Artaxerxes to ease the reader in, and then Ezra uses "I" from then on out, and Nehemaiah follows suit.
Nice technique.
McDonalds copied it.
Ezra 7 switches to first person like how I noted it in the New Testament.
Starts with the letter from Artaxerxes to ease the reader in, and then Ezra uses "I" from then on out, and Nehemaiah follows suit.
Nice technique.
McDonalds copied it.
Then, near the end of Nehemiah, we're back to 3rd Person for no reason, and then suddenly thrust back to first.
Spoiler for me that I know there are at least 4 "voices" in Psalms, and about 8+ writers. I noticed and researched them the last time I looked at Psalms.
Onto Esther!
Spoiler for me that I know there are at least 4 "voices" in Psalms, and about 8+ writers. I noticed and researched them the last time I looked at Psalms.
Onto Esther!
So ignoring that Esther is a work of fiction and that the king is a fantasy version of Xerxes...
That opening was ridiculous.
"Send her away, O King, so that the lesser women don't follow her example and get uppity with their husbands!!!"
That opening was ridiculous.
"Send her away, O King, so that the lesser women don't follow her example and get uppity with their husbands!!!"
And then Job... God proves Himself to a/the satan. K.
Ignoring that God has a bunch of sons, apparently...
Job 12:22
"He uncovers the deeps
out of darkness
and brings deep
#DarknessToLight."
Thought you'd like that part.
Ignoring that God has a bunch of sons, apparently...
Job 12:22
"He uncovers the deeps
out of darkness
and brings deep
#DarknessToLight."
Thought you'd like that part.
As many explanations as I've come across...
I've never heard anyone say that the point of Job is that you should stand up for yourself... even if you're standing up to God Almighty.
"Screw this. I know I haven't been a dick!"
I've never heard anyone say that the point of Job is that you should stand up for yourself... even if you're standing up to God Almighty.
"Screw this. I know I haven't been a dick!"
And then Job said:
"Go fuck yourselves. I'm not wrong. GOD even knows I'm not wrong."
I seriously feel like I'm reading this differently than everyone else, but I haven't gotten to the end yet.
Maybe that's where I'll find all their explanations as to how to interpret this.
"Go fuck yourselves. I'm not wrong. GOD even knows I'm not wrong."
I seriously feel like I'm reading this differently than everyone else, but I haven't gotten to the end yet.
Maybe that's where I'll find all their explanations as to how to interpret this.
So far, Elihu isn't really impressing me, and none of this is helped by God just doing all this on whim because a/the satan desired it.
But hey, maybe Elihu realizes his error later...
Maybe...
Or maybe it's just glossed over.
But hey, maybe Elihu realizes his error later...
Maybe...
Or maybe it's just glossed over.
Spoiler Alert: Job ends with a Deus Ex Machina.
That whole scene in the beginning?
Completely glossed over.
Job was FURIOUS at God, and at the end, God rambles off a list of impossible things He does, & God appears before Job, and he's all "Oh shit! You're real!".
Weak writing.
That whole scene in the beginning?
Completely glossed over.
Job was FURIOUS at God, and at the end, God rambles off a list of impossible things He does, & God appears before Job, and he's all "Oh shit! You're real!".
Weak writing.
Psalms is going way faster than it looks like it would.
Bonus: Figured out why Jesus said different last words!
They come from different points in the psalms...
And the authors couldn't decide which they liked better.
It's interesting when I stumble upon this stuff.
Bonus: Figured out why Jesus said different last words!
They come from different points in the psalms...
And the authors couldn't decide which they liked better.
It's interesting when I stumble upon this stuff.
Finished Psalms.
That acrostic was unexpected.
So many declarative statements...
Sometimes they're so furious at God that I wonder why it's even in there beyond "See! Everyone gets frustrated with The LORD."
-shrug-
Mooooving on.
(To Proverbs.)
That acrostic was unexpected.
So many declarative statements...
Sometimes they're so furious at God that I wonder why it's even in there beyond "See! Everyone gets frustrated with The LORD."
-shrug-
Mooooving on.
(To Proverbs.)
Whomever wrote Proverbs must have had some serious issues at home.
One of the most common things besides not embarrassing your parents is:
"It is better to have _____ than a quarrelsome wife at home."
Ooooover and ooooover...
kek.
One of the most common things besides not embarrassing your parents is:
"It is better to have _____ than a quarrelsome wife at home."
Ooooover and ooooover...
kek.
Finished Proverbs. Finished Song of Solomon.
Queeeeestion...
SoS is just a bit of fanciful literature.
How is that "religion"? Because it's in praise of a biblical figure? To endear us to the kings? Is it just a "How to Love" guide based on the fancy of royalty? Why include it?
Queeeeestion...
SoS is just a bit of fanciful literature.
How is that "religion"? Because it's in praise of a biblical figure? To endear us to the kings? Is it just a "How to Love" guide based on the fancy of royalty? Why include it?
Oh yeah... finished Ecclesiastes, too.
Magically skipped that in muh previous tweet.
"Everything is vanity and it's all pointless. Eat, drink, and be merry, cuz we're all gonna die, and there's no sense in trying too hard since it's all moot, anyway."
Magically skipped that in muh previous tweet.
"Everything is vanity and it's all pointless. Eat, drink, and be merry, cuz we're all gonna die, and there's no sense in trying too hard since it's all moot, anyway."
Wew lad, Isaiah's a long, slow read.
Anyway, Isaiah 51:9...
Dragons?
Anyway, Isaiah 51:9...
Dragons?
Isaiah 59
Armor of God
Neat.
Armor of God
Neat.
Finished Isaiah, moved into Jeremaiah.
Just got three long ones left.
Wooooow this is dark and negative, so far.
And if I'm reading the spoilers correctly, Lamentations is not going to "fun".
All losses and victories were attributed to God, so clearly anything negative was sin.
Just got three long ones left.
Wooooow this is dark and negative, so far.
And if I'm reading the spoilers correctly, Lamentations is not going to "fun".
All losses and victories were attributed to God, so clearly anything negative was sin.
As I'm wading through Jeremiah, one thought keeps nagging me every time he speaks for The LORD:
The Jews weren't the slaves in Egypt that you think they were. The Exodus... YHWH... That was the Hyksos and Shasu.
Habiru were effectively mercenary nomads.
Take that as you will.
The Jews weren't the slaves in Egypt that you think they were. The Exodus... YHWH... That was the Hyksos and Shasu.
Habiru were effectively mercenary nomads.
Take that as you will.
Done with Jeremiah and Lamentations.
Now to get through Ezekiel... and the rest all seem pretty short.
A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN SPOTTED!
Now to get through Ezekiel... and the rest all seem pretty short.
A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN SPOTTED!
Aight...
So I'm going through Ezekiel 1, right?
And as I'm reading, and double back with the text, thinking "What on earth?"... I got to the throne-chariots.
Y'know.
MERKABAH!
Spirit Science: CONFIRMED!
(I kid, I kid.)
So I'm going through Ezekiel 1, right?
And as I'm reading, and double back with the text, thinking "What on earth?"... I got to the throne-chariots.
Y'know.
MERKABAH!
Spirit Science: CONFIRMED!
(I kid, I kid.)
Ezekial 23:19-21
"Yet she increased her whoring... and lusted after her lovers, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses."
AH-HEM.
"Yet she increased her whoring... and lusted after her lovers, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses."
AH-HEM.
Ezekiel 26-27.
Hate to break it to ya, but...
"Tyre (Arabic: صور Ṣūr) (Phoenician: 𐤑𐤓 Ṣūr) is one of the oldest continually inhabited cities in the world."
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyre,_Leb…
Hate to break it to ya, but...
"Tyre (Arabic: صور Ṣūr) (Phoenician: 𐤑𐤓 Ṣūr) is one of the oldest continually inhabited cities in the world."
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyre,_Leb…
Ezk 28
Fancy aside, the Old Testament was good for getting people to stop doing stupid shit in the name of bad ideas.
-Don't sacrifice your kids.
-Idols are not real gods. (Ignoring metaphor & concept.)
-Men/Kings are not gods.
-...and wash your hands.
God said so. Just listen.
Fancy aside, the Old Testament was good for getting people to stop doing stupid shit in the name of bad ideas.
-Don't sacrifice your kids.
-Idols are not real gods. (Ignoring metaphor & concept.)
-Men/Kings are not gods.
-...and wash your hands.
God said so. Just listen.
Ezk 33:10
"Surely our transgressions and our sins are upon us, and we rot away because of them. How then can we live?"
Remember Job?
Ezekiel just threw whatever lesson you think might have learned from that straight out of the window.
"YER ALL GUILTY! SCREW THE LOT O' YA!"
"Surely our transgressions and our sins are upon us, and we rot away because of them. How then can we live?"
Remember Job?
Ezekiel just threw whatever lesson you think might have learned from that straight out of the window.
"YER ALL GUILTY! SCREW THE LOT O' YA!"
Oh thank God.
I'm done with Ezekiel.
ONTO DANIEL!
I'm done with Ezekiel.
ONTO DANIEL!
Daniel 9
I'm really trying to let the story suck me in, aaaaand then Fantasy Xerxes from Esther pops back up.
Dag... dag nabbit.
I'm really trying to let the story suck me in, aaaaand then Fantasy Xerxes from Esther pops back up.
Dag... dag nabbit.
Aight... had some time.
Finished:
-Daniel
-Hosea
-Joel
-Amos
-Obadiah
-Jonah
-Micah
-Nahum
-Habakkuk
-Zephaniah
Outside the obvious ones in that list...
It's basically the same thing over and over again.
Finished:
-Daniel
-Hosea
-Joel
-Amos
-Obadiah
-Jonah
-Micah
-Nahum
-Habakkuk
-Zephaniah
Outside the obvious ones in that list...
It's basically the same thing over and over again.
Finished Haggai and Zechariah.
Interdasting that I just so habben to be finishing my cover to cover today... of all days...
Interdasting that I just so habben to be finishing my cover to cover today... of all days...
Aaaaand done.
May I never have to do that again.
(I'll get to the Catholic additions and lost gospels [again] later.)
May I never have to do that again.
(I'll get to the Catholic additions and lost gospels [again] later.)
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