Thread by @FreedomFriesInc

(1) Thread: Domestic abuse in celebrity couples

I saw #IStandWithMelissa trending so clicked on the tag to see what it's about.

I don't watch TV shows or movies much these days so I didn't know who Melissa Benoist (31) or Blake Jenner (28) are.

Here's why I write about it.

(2) I write about celebrities' private matters that they make public for several reasons. Mostly because we seldom get to see inside an abusive relationship, unless we are in it. So, there are lessons for everyone; You can help protect your adult child, friend etc.

(3) I'm a survivor of domestic abuse (several times) and I happen to have worked in the field of public policy analysis that includes this topic.

I can share some of what I know, in the hope that it raises awareness and even spares a few people some pain.

(4) Domestic abuse is also a very important public policy matter, and voters and taxpayers have few objective sources of information about it.

It can be hard to find healthcare professionals & lawyers adequately equipped to help a survivor who happens to be a conservative.

(5) Conservatives are not well represented in most of the health and human services fields. Like in most of academia, folk are pressured to become a liberal or at least self-censor "who we are."

So I feel I need to help address this, as best I can.

(6) Back to the story of Melissa and Blake, who have gone public with private matters affecting the other person.

And I don't buy any of their attempts not to identify which ex-partner it was. They've defamed each other, so my scrutiny of their public statements is fair game.

(7) I've read the ridiculously verbose statement released by 28yo Blake on instagram:

instagram.com/p/CGGFpQgH8I5/

(8) Yes, there's more...

(9) Again I wish to advertise my services in PR crisis management and general middle-aged Aunt abilities in case some young and/or stupid celebrity or politician wants to prevent a disaster like this.

A girl's gotta pay for her trips to the US somehow.😂

(10) It's a PR disaster for both Melissa and Blake, but I suspect that Melissa will come out of it better off. Blake probably couldn't afford me anyway.

Here's how you _should_ manage a case of domestic abuse as a celebrity:

(11) If you are a celebrity and you experience domestic abuse, report it to the Police, see a doctor (even when it's not physical abuse), consult a good lawyer, see a good therapist, and do not make detailed public statements about it. Ever.

(12) If you're a celebrity accused of domestic abuse, consult a good lawyer and PR adviser, see a good therapist, and only make public statements according to your legal advice. Record conversations if allowed in your jurisdiction.

Do not even think about feeding tit-for-tat.

(13) From what I can tell, Melissa went public with her allegations against Blake a couple of yrs ago. He apparently only responded in public now.

Melissa remarried and gave birth to her first child just two weeks ago.

Not a good time for him to go public.

(14) Even before you read a word of Blake's statement, you can tell he's an idiot just from the fact the he said this a mere two weeks after his ex-wife gave birth. Auntie HW would have advised him to wait a couple of months, at least.

I wonder if he sought advice?

(15) If Blake ran his novel-length statement past a therapist or lawyer, and was willing to take their advice into account, then they're not a very good therapist or lawyer.

When a kid is 28 going on 12, he needs ADULTS around him to try to stop him doing stupid stuff.

(16) Regarding the alleged phone-throwing incident, I can't tell exactly what happened, because the allegation hasn't been tested in court.

The eye injury Melissa sustained probably was caused by Blake in some way. She made up a story for the public, & later accused Blake.

(17) I did the same thing, and it is so commonplace that it's almost normal for survivors to try to cover for the abuser, and to stay with him or her despite the ongoing danger.

I heard somewhere that the average survivor leaves him or her 5 times before the final exit.

(18) Blake makes a ton of allegations in his statement, none of which can be verified at this stage. I cannot stress this enough: Whether you are the survivor or the accused, get things formally on record as soon as possible after the incident. Make it easier for the jury.

(19) Ofc, in most cases the jury is the public. Future employers, spouses, clients etc.

In celebrity cases, a mob of supporters gather around each party, and they can never accept that their celeb is guilty of abuse, or making false allegations.

Sexism goes both ways too.

(20) Especially among liberals, there is a tendency to be biased in favor of all female survivors and against all male abusers, regardless of the FACTS.

These flames were fanned by 1970s feminism and academia. It's sexism against men & it's very destructive in society.

(21) In this case we can tell that Blake is an abuser, because many of his words in the statement are abusive, today.

Hint: The more you write, the greater the chance of folk seeing through your bullshit.

It should have just said sorry.

(22) A final word about the throwing of objects.

Yes, it is physical domestic violence, whether it lands on the target, or not.

It's laughable that Blake claims he didn't mean to hurt Melissa with the phone.

(23) It might even be possible for Melissa to report his admission to the Police, and to sue him in the civil jurisdiction. He has admitted it.

I've had objects thrown at me, and past me. The intent to intimidate is the same. They think they can't be charged in the latter case.

(24) Typically, the level of violence increases over time. It starts as just words, door slamming, storming out. It gets more frequent, too.

Every survivor has their limit. Some don't leave in time, and they end up losing their life.

For their loved ones, it is so painful.

(25) I don't look down on Melissa for staying too long. I understand it.

I will close by offering a model of care that I think can help people like Melissa, and Blake. It can be done with a therapist, or even on your own, for free.

(26) Dr Webb offers free resources and also sells books and online products. Crucially, her website has a list of therapists that have adopted the CEN model in their work. I enthusiastically endorse this.

drjonicewebb.com

(27) The kinds of emotional patterns that led Melissa and Blake to drag each other through the mud in public are on the increase, sadly.

A lot of things caused this decline in our society but what matters now is doing our best to fix it.

END