Thread by @declanf

Today’s Andrews Presser. A curtain covers the stage, then sweeps back to reveal Daniel Andrews clutching a guitar. He has a shaved head & a black shirt which reads “ZERO”. Brett Sutton is on drums. Andrews growls, “Wanna go for a ride?” & they rock out.
#vicpol #auspol #covidvic

The journos push forward, forming mosh pit forms at the front of the stage. Chip Le Grand crowd surfs. Rachel Baxendale head bangs. The remaining journos, slam their bodies into each other, releasing weeks of tension through the raw power of the mosh. #vicpol #auspol #covidvic

Daniel Andrews snarls into the microphone:
"Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and God is empty..."
And every journo in the room screams in unison:
"Just. Like. Me!"
The Mosh Pit goes insane.
#covidvic #vicpol #auspol #lockdown

Peta Credlin climbs on stage and dives into the crowd.
She lands in their outstretched arms, and they carry her around the room, as Dan sings, "She's the one for me, She's all I really need". She has never felt anything like this. Total freedom.
#vicpol #covidvic #auspol

And then a blood curdling scream. Actual blood sprays across the room. In the excitement @Raf_Epstein has pulled his shirt off, but Peta's stilletto has accidentally caught on his nipple ring, and ripped it right out.
#CovidVic #vicpol #auspol

Brett Sutton leaps out from behind the drum kit, and screams at Daniel Andrews "Just keep playing!". He dives into the moshpit, and tries to stem the bleeding from Raf's wound with Dan's spare North Face jacket. He's screaming at the other journos, "Find the nipple!"
#covidvic

Journos scour the floor for Raf's Nipple, and Andrews launches into "Disarm". He knows it will be hard without the strings and timpanis but he'll try. Meanwhile Raf is turning white and going into shock, as Andrews sings, "What I choose is my choice, what's a boy supposed to do?"

It's no use. The nipple is nowhere to be found. As Raf closes his eyes, the last thing he hears is, Andrews' high pitch voice singing, "The killer in me, is the killer in you."
It's the most beautiful thing he's ever heard.

Brett Sutton climbs back on stage and joins Daniel Andrews for one more song. It's what Raf would have wanted.
Andrews plays a high pitch arpeggio and sings mournfully: "Today is the greatest day, I've ever known. Can't wait for tomorrow, I might not have that long..."

Later that day, @danziffer will fill in for Raf on his 774 show. He'll do a rap song about the state of Victoria's economy. The reviews will be mixed.

@Briggs

This obviously blew up a bit more than I expected when I was tweeting while I should have been watching my kids at the playground. If you enjoy these deranged hallucinatory paranoid visions, then have a listen to my podcast, the @sweetestplum
podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/190…