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Slava Malamud

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8 Nov, 30 tweets, 8 min read

I have decided to troll an ultra right-wing Russian immigrants' Facebook group. Let's see how this goes.

The like is from the moderator

Racking up the likes!

This post should do pretty well

Grapms is getting sympathy:

They are very supportive of my Waffen-SS gramps:

This one guy got suspicious, but I quickly browbeat him. The like is from him.

OMG! I am like Facebook Borat now!
This comment is getting likes too!

This wonderful lady immediately liked my comment.

Meanwhile, Nazi grandpa is just crushing it.

Fuck, there is one liberal in the group, fighting the good fight. He is the only one pressing the issue. But I am winning the battle of public opinion.

This is a "parents' group", so let's turn to more pertinent matters.

The grandpa thread needs to be put out of its misery. Way too many people are genuinely moved by it. I hope this is an appropriate tour de force.

Nope... Kind-hearted right-wing ladies just keep being kind-hearted.

Oh no! She has just edited her post to add an extra sweet message!

Three women have sent me friend requests. There is a non-zero chance I could get laid tonight. Thank you, standartenfuhrer Gramps!

Do you think my hints are getting too heavy?

They are clinging on to hope that the networks are wrong and the new recounts will put Trump ahead. I absolutely MUST feed this flame!

OMG! OMG! OMG! This has taken a turn. Folks, this is getting dark. Please, bear with me. OMG!

So, there is that one liberal guy there who was the only one to actually see through this. He used his Googles. He used his Twitters. He figured me out and decided to out me to the group. Don't know why. Probably wanted to be the only designated liberal there.

Mike fights the good fight while I try like hell to stay in my Borat makeup.

Mike is taking zero of my shit. He has a degree! He is annoyed and ain't joking around!
At this point I am really desperate to stay in character. It's not easy. I am amazed he sees the game but is so adamant to out me nevertheless.

Mike goes for the kill. I desperately try to wriggle out of his deadly grip.

Pitiful Slava needs to just wave the white flag at this point. Behold Mike in his glory. He takes no prisoners and kicks all of the ass.

He is now valiantly trying to explain to others that they are being trolled. I am ready to graciously give up...

But lo! What is that? What is that symbol next to Mike's name? Holy shit!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!
The moderator peeked at the thread, saw the liberal Mike disparaging my heroic Waffen-SS grandpa AND THREW HIS ASS OUT OF THE GROUP!
I am on the floor right now. I can't even get up.

Please, send good vibes to Mike. He is a good egg who got himself smashed for no good reason. I feel so bad for him. I will send him an apology.

Mike and I are cool now. He holds no grudges.

https://twitter.com/bolo_mike/status/1325617737100562434?s=20

Mike is here to take a well-deserved bow. He is a good sport and is not offended.

https://twitter.com/bolo_mike/status/1325617737100562434?s=20

https://twitter.com/SlavaMalamud/status/1259120591971463170

And since I owe my actual, real grandpas after this, here is their story. It's a stark change in tone, be warned.

https://twitter.com/SlavaMalamud/status/1259120591971463170

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Slava Malamud

@SlavaMalamud

10 Nov

I was interviewed by the Voice of America's Russian service last night. It was hard to find any other Democratic-voting Russians with any name recognition, I guess. They asked me whether I, as a Democrat, am willing to build bridges and reach across the divide to the other side..

The short version of my reply is "Hell, no." The long one, longer than the airtime allowed, is as follows.
No. No, I am not willing to talk to the other side. I am not willing to understand them. I am not willing to be magnanimous. I sure as fuck won't look for a compromise...

"These folks have sold their souls to the devil", I said, probably scandalizing the interviewer (who was good and professional and tried to ask tough questions, BTW; no qualms here - seriously, props). I want nothing, NOTHING to do with the 70+ million fellow Americans. Nothing..

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Slava Malamud

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9 Nov

Whenever I go on a long-ass thread about something, it's usually to expose the stupidity of
a) a political group
b) a sports community
c) all of the above in Russia
Today will be a "C" kind of day.
So, a Russian soccer player is being cancelled for wanking. Are you here for this?

Behold, Artyom Dzyuba, the high-scoring forward of Zenit Saint Petersburg.
What you should know about "high-scoring" in Russia: this means "capable of plowing the pastures of Russian fields between October and May while putting 10-11 balls into the opposing goal, mostly from PKs"

What you should know about Zenit: they are owned by Gazprom, the company that also owns, not necessarily in this order, the powerhouse hockey team SKA, all of Russia's media, several countries in Europe (soon to include Germany) and Vladimir Putin.
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1 Oct

https://twitter.com/TeamTrump/status/1311772374203850753

Hello. I am a very, very white cop. An extremely white cop. Just look at me. What are the odds I will be mean to a random black person for just being in your white neighborhoods? Like, 100%, right? Trust me, I will punch first, ask for ID later. I am such a white cop.
Trump 2020.

https://twitter.com/TeamTrump/status/1311772374203850753

The best quote is by Officer Actual Piggy at the 10-second mark: "If Joe Biden is elected, it is just going to continue."
Where by "it", Officer Lotsa Bacon means "this thing that has been going on on Donald Trump's watch."

To recap.
Officer Sons O'Anarchy: "I have been roughing up black suspects and random black people for a gajillion years here in Asswipe PD. The next time I am giving a black pedestrian a ruptured spleen with a bike chain, I need to know I have the President of the USA on my side"

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29 Sep

For the 5th time in a row, and for the 10th time out of the last 13, the Stanley Cup is awarded to a team in white.
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So, this Rocky Johnson or Dwayne Rockson, or whatever this guy is who mainly consists of bulges and has just endorsed Biden... He is famous for what exactly? I have heard something about some movies with cars in them. Is this that cartoon with talking redneck trucks?

The reason I'm asking is that, although I have never seen any of his films, they sound like something that white rednecks would heartily enjoy. Will his endorsement move the needle?
Or will he be instantly cancelled by the right-wing cancel culture? (Is he black? I can't tell)

Some of you don't really believe me when I say have no idea who he is. I'm sorry. I am not a fan of automobiles as a cultural phenomenon. And since his time in sports was very brief (what was it, like a season in the CFL?), he wouldn't have come across my radar as an athlete.

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