Thread by @SlavaMalamud

Whenever I go on a long-ass thread about something, it's usually to expose the stupidity of
a) a political group
b) a sports community
c) all of the above in Russia
Today will be a "C" kind of day.
So, a Russian soccer player is being cancelled for wanking. Are you here for this?

Behold, Artyom Dzyuba, the high-scoring forward of Zenit Saint Petersburg.
What you should know about "high-scoring" in Russia: this means "capable of plowing the pastures of Russian fields between October and May while putting 10-11 balls into the opposing goal, mostly from PKs"

What you should know about Zenit: they are owned by Gazprom, the company that also owns, not necessarily in this order, the powerhouse hockey team SKA, all of Russia's media, several countries in Europe (soon to include Germany) and Vladimir Putin.
The latter is a fan.

What you should know about Zenit's chances of finishing anywhere other than first place in the Russian Premier League: they equal 0.00%. Give or take.
They can buy any third-rate Brazilian they want, and in Russia, this is enough to guarantee a title.

The only reason Dzyuba is on the roster is because in Russia, each team must have a certain number of Russian-born players.
What you should know about Russian-born soccer players: they are absolute shite. Think Saudis and ice hockey. Think Americans and geography. It's comical...

Despite its players utter inability to run straight, jump high or be able to literally hit the broad side of the barn from inside said barn 2 times out of 70, Russia LOVES soccer. Adores it. Reveres it. The reasons for this are unknown. It probably sees it as its way into Europe.

Everyone thinks we love hockey. It's not true. It's an utter myth. We don't love, or understand, hockey. We only love the gold medals hockey gave us. Here is the actual scan of a Russian sports fan's brain:

So Dzyuba, having been born a chonky boi and able to stomp on smaller creatures (such as Brazilians) while fighting for the ball in the penalty area, and taking advantage of Russian referees' also being on the list of Gazprom assets, has become a valuable member of Zenit.

Here is what you should know about Zenit fans: they hate Dzyuba. And black people. Mostly black people, but also Dzyuba. Zenit was the last RPL team to sign a black player, because its fans were threatening to riot and hung a banner saying "There is no black in our colors."

The reason they hate Dzyuba is because he used to play for Spartak Moscow, and people from Saint Petersburg hate Moscow more than anything, other than black people.
Also, he once imitated gay sex with a teammate after a win. And Zenit fans also hate gay people.

The Zenit fan club, Landskrona, has its "Ideology Manifesto", which says they vehemently oppose "modern football." No. 2 on the list of things they oppose is "playing politics", by which they mean Black Lives Matter solidarity gestures
landscrona.ru/za_tradicionny…

Pictured here is the only way Zenit fans like to see Dzyuba touch himself. This is him rendering the Russian military salute while making sure the head is covered, as per the Soviet Army code. Dzyuba likes patriotism. He once said he'd strangle anyone who said "Glory to Ukraine."

Alas, Dzyuba, a valuable but hated member of the club, did something inexcusable lately. He recorded himself... scoring an own goal on his phone. Which got subsequently hacked. And the video of the valuable member hitting his goalpost leaked all over the Russian internet...

What you should know about the Russian sports media: it loves publishing barely legal Instagram pictures of barely legal figure skaters but is terrified of any mention of penis. Thus, the Dzyuba news broke in Russia with headlines such as "Photos of intimate nature..."

One might ask what exactly Dzyuba did wrong, other than choosing a career in a sport no Russian should ever, under any circumstances, play.
But if you asked this, you don't know Russia. Russia wants nothing to do with penises. Russia thinks seeing a penis makes one homosexual.

So, following the scandalous revelation of an intimate nature, Dzyuba was summarily suspended from the national team due to "the possibility of his presence detrimentally affecting the morale."
Zenit couldn't suspend him, though. Because, yeah, still need that Russian-born body.

But Zenit fans would have none of it. They have had enough. Landskrona has published another manifesto, beautifully titled "Dotting the i's." It painstakingly describes the unimaginable pain Dzyuba has caused them by showcasing his penis. It calls for his dismissal. It rages.

You are free to add "dotting the i" to your list of masturbation euphemisms, by the way.
Anyway, the reason the above tweet is a picture and not a link is because the post has since been taken down. The link is a 404 page. Gazprom did not appreciate the fans meddling in its biz..

This is the picture of @sportexpress's front page right now. Three of the six headlines are about Dzyuba. One proclaims that "It's War!" between him and Zenit fans.
Down below on the page you can see an ex-tennis player's interview about instagramming her breasts.
Russia. Fin.

PS: Today's front page of @sovsport.
HAS DZYUBA FINISHED?
And He Used to Render Military Salute With This Hand!
(Remember, kids. By tugging on your peepee, you insult the Motherland's soldiers)

Update: Sources from Russia report this was not the first time Dzyuba stroked a dick in public.