Thread by @stevecusswords

A top source of anxiety for a church leader: a text or email from a member or leader saying some variation of, 'I want to meet as soon as possible. It is about the church.'

A thread of what happens in the leader's inner world and how to begin differentiation

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First the leader's mind typically goes into overdrive. Anxiety floods you and you begin to fill in what you don't know (what they want to meet about) with what you think (many various possibilities about what is could be.)

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This is your way of trying to manage anxiety: filling in the gaps, often to a pathological level, before you meet.

But being in anxiety's grip is like drinking salt water. It will never lead you to quenching that thirst, it will just get worse.

There is another way.

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1) Allow 30 - 60 minutes of spinning and rumination, but somewhere in there, step outside your rumination to examine it. What different possibilities have you imagined? Who are you having an anger fantasy about? What is the story you are telling yourself about you, or them?

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2) Externalize. Tell someone who loves you about all of it - the note and your inner life.

If you keep it internal, you will keep spinning, but by observing yourself with compassionate curiosity and naming it to a compassionate person, you begin the flip the dynamic.

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3) Grab your life giving list and do something on the list, or a few things. Me? most recently, I walked my dog and prayed. It hit 3 LG things: time with God, time outside, my beloved puppy.

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4) Ask God to help you compare what is true vs what you have imagine, the story you tell yourself. Jesus died, so I do not need to _______ anymore.

I don't need to be right, do it perfectly. I don't need this person to understand.

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5) And also what is true of this person? Because it really isn't about the person. But what is true? Are they kind, generally for the church, are they in the trenches with you?

When you meet, do you need to be defensive, explain yourself, be right? No.

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We can be fully present to what that person is saying, hear their heart. Take either their correct criticism as a gift, or reframe their limited perspective, or ignore them altogether. But now we can manage the situation for what it is, not what anxiety is telling us.

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As in all of Twitter, easier tweeted than done. But I used to ruminate for DAYS after these emails. Now it is an hour or so. I can now wait for the meeting and be at peace.

It is a much happier option to the fretting and worrying.

And finally....

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6) After the meeting, compare what they wanted to talk about to all the possibilities you thought they might talk about. Note the wasted energy in the rabbit trails of doom and condemnation.

Jesus died to free you from all that!

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This is real time for me.

Last email: Mon late afternoon
Meeting? Tomorrow afternoon.

I have no idea what we're talking about. I have been at peace since Mon early evening.

This works.

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It is not about the emailer - he is an excellent person, we are well together.

It is about how anxiety grips me, how it grinds me down unless I actively bring it to Christ.

Leadership remains challenging. Be kind to yourself today, leader.

Peace of Christ to you.

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