PARDON ROULETTE

CHRISTIE: Donald, if you pardon your kids, they will be forced to testify against you. And they will. You've trained them to be selfish. You know them. They would bury you. You cannot be this stupid. It would be the dumbest thing you could do.

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

BARR: What idiot suggested you should pardon your kids? Was it Hannity? Don't tell me you're listening to Giuliani again? Hasn't he gotten you into enough trouble?

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

IVANKA: Daddy, don't pardon anyone who is not family. Not Manafort, not Giuliani and gosh, not that vile creep Stephen Miller. The more you pardon, the more there will be investigations. Keep pardons just within the family, Daddy.

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

IVANKA: Daddy, don't pardon the boys. Junior is an idiot. Eric is a moron and isn't even our blood. We all know his dad is Gary Busey, so fuck him. Just pardon me

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: What about Jared? Should I give him a pardon?

IVANKA: That's up to you, Daddy. Jared's a bit dense but loves you more than Beavis & Butt-Head, or Rent-A-Mom

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

DON JR: Sir, Ivanka testified in DC against you & Eric testified in NY. You can't trust them. Eric isn't even our blood. That freak was fathered by Gary Busey. Just pardon me

TRUMP: What about your scary wife, the Gargoyle?

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

ERIC: Sir, pardon all of us, all of your kids. Not just Jr and Ivanka, but your adopted kids like Lindsey Graham, Matt Gaetz and me. And Sir, also pardon your illegitimate kids like Hope Hicks & Hannity. Pardon all of us

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

GIULIANI: "Don't pardon your kids. They're all conspiring against you. Eric testified in New York. Ivanka testified in DC. Pardon me. I'm the only one you can trust."

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

FIRST TRAMP: Stuff your pardon, Donald. I don't need it. I made recordings. The divorce takes effect on 20th of January and I'm taking Barron. We have a saying in the Slovenian Hooker Association: "I really don't care, do you?"

#FLOTITS
#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Who is on line 2?

OPERATOR: It is Senator Lindsey Graham, he is calling about his pardon, again

TRUMP: I said no more calls from bloody Graham. Tell him to call his buddy John McCain for bloody pardon!

#LeningradLindsey
#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

HANNITY: Sir, I'm the only one of your biological children who has remained loyal to you. Even Ivanka is now ratting you out in DC court. Don't pardon them. Fuck 'em. Pardon me

#InsanityOfHannity
#FixFox
#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: How much have we earned so far?

KELLYANNE: Here, let me show you on the spreadsheet

TRUMP: By the way, would you want me to pardon your asshole husband, while we're at it?

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

COHEN: Donald, just so you know. After you didn't pardon me, I told everybody how you treated me, and told them all to make recordings. It doesn't matter whether you pardon them or not, they will all screw you now.

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

STEPHEN MILLER: Your backstabbing kids are all ratting you out in court. Giuliani and Manafort are threatening you. Barr and Mitch McConnell have abandoned you. I'm the only one loyal to you. Just pardon me, Sir

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

McENEMY: Mr President, as you're handing out pardons to family & close staffers, could you give me a Presidential pardon too?

TRUMP: Who are you?

#McEnemy
#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

PENCE: So you pardon me on January 19. Then you resign. I become President for one day, and I pardon you

TRUMP: And then I don't have to go stand next to Biden at the inaugration?

PENCE: That is correct, Sir

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

Dear friend,

I seem to have some issues with moving into tremendous Mar-A-Lago on January 20th. Would you happen to have a spare bedroom for a couple of months? I could grant you a full Presidential pardon in exchange?

Donald J Trump
President

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: No. I'm not giving any of you assholes in leadership of Republicans any pardons at all. You didn't fund my Wall. I will launch the Patriot Party instead, to destroy you

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: I am a bit tight on cash right now. What if I give your lackeys all Presidential pardons, like Rand Paul, Mitch McTurtle and Ron Johnson? Would that be enough for me to get asylum in Moscow? I promise I'll pay you back what I owe you

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

"I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Melania Trump for all crimes against the Rose Garden"

"I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Mike Pence for all names against Space Force"

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

GIULIANI: Donald, you can pardon yourself on federal crimes but not New York state crimes. I have that evidence to put you away for life, on your crimes in New York state. Don't pardon your kids, they're already ratting you out. Pardon only me.

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

"I Donald J Trump hereby pardon this Wall. I also pardon Mexico for not paying for this Wall."

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

No. We did not meet to discuss bribes to sell Presidential pardons. No. Not at all. No pardons were discussed. We were... discussing the... naming of... Space Force? Oh? What was that? Oh? We... ahem... Guardians! Yes

#PardonRoulette #SpaceFarce #Guardians
PARDON ROULETTE

"Mr DeJoy, I just got word from the President about your pardon. Because you couldn't rig the postal vote, I was asked to tell you that your pardon got lost in the mail. I am so sorry."

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Rudy said that a Presidential pardon won't stop New York state from prosecuting you, and a pardon would only force you to testify against me. So I'm not going to pardon either of you. Also, there is no money left in my will, I'm broke.

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

Hey Donald! We didn't need to even think of pardoning our kids. Have a great time in prison!

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

"I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Ted Cruz for all crimes against facial hair"

"I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Rudy Giuliani for all crimes against his pants"

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

"I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Donald J Trump for all crimes foreign and domestic; federal, state, local and intergalactic; before, now and in the future. And I won the election."

Signed:
Donald J Trump
President

#PardonRoulette
Thread link seems broken after Stephen Miller. Next up is the McEnemy. Here is direct link to her item:

PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Steve, you haven't submitted an offer for a pardon. Don't you want one?

MNUCHIN: No Sir, I am leaving the country on 15 January

TRUMP: Where you headed?

MNUCHIN: First call? A plastic surgeon in Panama to change this ugly mug

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Mike? I don't have a bid from you. Don't you want a pardon?

POMPEO: No Donald. I'm better off negotiating with the FBI & ratting out this snake pit. I'm gonna go do that & call it being on quarantine for Covid. Good luck with your pardons

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Who are on these phone lines?

OPERATOR: On line 1 is Matt Gaetz, asking about his pardon. On line 2 is Ted Cruz, asking about his pardon. On line 3 is Jim Jordan, asking about his pardon. And on line 4, Lindsey Graham is still holding

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Wayne, were you able to get the funds to pay for your pardon?

LaPIERRE: No Donald, I can't pay you. The NRA is totally bankrupt. When I asked our members for some donations, all I got was thoughts and prayers

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

NAVARRO: I've just added another million to my bid

TRUMP: I told you, I'm not selling you a pardon. Get that election overturned!

NAVARRO: Ok, ok. I'll get you a 36 page report on your desk by tomorrow. That will overturn this election

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

HANNITY: Sir, can you promise that once we reach the airport, you will sign my pardon?

TRUMP: I promise, I promise

HANNITY: But you also promised last time, and the time before that!

TRUMP: I will sign it at the airport, now drive!

#PardonRoulette
PARDON ROULETTE

IVANKA: Daddy? Could you spare a Presidential pardon for Goya beans?

cc @WilliamCDoll
#PardonRoulette

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More from @tomiahonen

17 Dec
I've told the joke a hundred times here on TW that Trump killed the GOP. In reality there is a civil war inside the party. The lunatics (aka SPD caught Sarah Palin's Disease aka Tea Party aka Maganutters) were a growing mess well before Trump (aka... Sarah Palin..)

GOP is sick..
The lunatics are currently running the party. Boehner quit and Paul Ryan quit when they could not handle the lunatics. And with gerrymandering, the more extremist maganutters gained power. The Republican party is now run by the nutters.

It would be VERY healthy for a split
If a Patriot Party were to split out of GOP, it would take roughly half of current Washington DC GOP with it, more on House side, less on Senate side. Rump GOP would become instantly powerless, DEMs would become dominant party. The (Tea) Patriot Party would be genuine third party
Read 14 tweets
17 Dec
Hollywood Writer's End to Georgia Runoff Thread 1/14

This is a SCENARIO. This is not a FORECAST. It is a plausible end. It is one way Georgia Runoff election MIGHT end in a few weeks. If a Hollywood writer (imagine episode of West Wing) did this story. How would it end?

Enjoy
Hollywood End Georgia Runoff Thread 2/14

So first, obviously, I hope we win both seats in the Georgia Runoff, Jon Ossoff @ossoff and Rev Warnock @ReverendWarnock - please support both campaigns. The Senate literally hangs in the balance of Georgia.

My Thread is a hypothetical..
Hollywood End Georgia Runoff Thread 3/14

Secondly Georgia runoffs WILL decide whether Republicans & #MoscowMitch McTurtle can hold onto the Senate. If we win BOTH runoffs, the Senate will be 50/50 split, ties broken by Vice President which will be Kamala Harris

BUT we need BOTH
Read 14 tweets
16 Dec
My speculation on Joe's AG

I think Biden WANTED to announce his AG earlier. I believe he has been forced to reconsider his first choices. For a HORRIBLE reason

I think there is FAR worse criminality INSIDE the DOJ & Government than Biden knew. As Barr was fired, DOJ staffers..
..as Barr was fired, DOJ staffers have suddenly felt more safe to reach out privately to Biden, to warn of the horrid time-bombs ticking inside DOJ - starting with the corrupt Rosenstein now in charge.

Joe has been forced to rethink who would be BEST FOR AMERICA to do that job..
..and here is superbly wild play.

It might be a brilliant idea to nominate a REPUBLICAN as the AG. Obviously NOT in any way tainted by Trump. Think of General Colin Powell. While a Republican, he was always a patriot first (too bad about WMD). Someone like Powell, fair
Read 6 tweets
16 Dec
Let's consider the pardons telephonathon at the White House for a moment...

a brief thread. I think I can keep this brief. But we'll see :-)

(at editing of this thread: sorry. Became 11 Tweets... so about mid-length)
Pardon-a-Thon thread 2/11

So Trump has a spreadsheet of requests for pardons. Most of those are from Trump 'supporters'. Who clearly KNOW they've done something wrong that needs a pardon.

Let's assume Trump is so dumb & desperate for cash (to pay interest on his $1.1B debt)..
Pardon-a-Thon thread 3/11

..assuming Trump is so dumb to issue about 100 pardons to his various co-conspirators, what would happen?

First, all who receive pardons & accept them, will in a legal sense admit their guilt. ALL are then unable to use '5th Amendment' protections
Read 11 tweets
3 Dec
So Entitlement Barbie was in court yesterday, giving sworn testimony to DC Attorney General, on a case that is both Federal AND state (DC district) law. It may be why Barr was summoned urgently for 2 hours to WH yesterday.

#TrumpCrimeFamily
Remember. A Presidential pardon (by Trump, possibly Pence, and of course not by Biden) would ONLY apply to FEDERAL crimes, not state level crimes. And does not absolve the guilt of any CIVIL lawsuits (damages). Trump CANNOT pardon Ivanka for DC lawsuit (in total, maybe part)
We knew from Mueller Report, that at least 12 potential crimes were 'farmed out' to states. At least one certainly involved 'Individual One' that is known to be Trump, and sent his attorney Michael Cohen to prison. It is essentially CERTAIN to land Trump into prison after 20 Jan
Read 6 tweets
26 Nov
Trump Pardons Thread 1/26

#ThingsWeShouldThankTrumpFor - General Flynn's pardon. It was an epic blunder that will damage Trump more.

Let's do a thread about Trump's pardons.

YES he's going to pardon his kids, and try to pardon himself. What does this all mean?
Trump Pardons Thread 2/26

Trump was always going to pardon his kids (& Jared Bonesaw Boy) & some closest to him from his past before politics (Hope Hicks) & some he trusts most in his political life (Stephen Miller). This was inevitable

He will also try to pardon himself.
Trump Pardons Thread 3/26

While Trump WILL attempt to pardon himself (possibly in more ways than one), it WILL NOT PREVENT Trump from going to prison in 2021, for the rest of his life. Because he has committed STATE crimes that a President cannot pardon. They START with NY taxes
Read 26 tweets

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