Hey I've gained a lot of followers lately which is awesome, but you should know that I'm just a messy 26 year old sharing her reflections on things. I'm not an expert, and there are people on here who are far more considered and committed. Make sure you're following them too!
Idk, I've started getting a bit anxious about saying the wrong thing on here, but actually this account is primarily for connecting and learning, and while it's dope that others are sharing in that, I'm not a content creator. I'm just a chaotic gal!
If at any point I decide to move more intentionally into an activist or advocate space then I'll be more purposeful with what I say, but for now this is just where I put my bouncing thoughts so I can focus on my actual 9-5 job.
So please, tell me when I get shit wrong! Flesh out and correct my tweets! From my perspective we're all in this thing together, and sharing community makes us stronger.
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Did you know fatigue is one of the most common symptoms of #ADHD? I didn't- I spent over ten years telling people I felt exhausted all of the time, and nobody connected the dots.
There's a few ADHD experiences tied to fatigue that many of us struggle with:
Understimulation: Ever try to start on a task you've been putting off, only to feel fatigued? You might be understimulated, and your boredom is manifesting as brain fog. Often you'll find it'll fade after some positive stimulation, but return as soon as you try the task again.
Overstimulation: You're out with friends at a bar, and the music is blaring and all of a sudden keeping up with the conversation is exhausting. You're overstimulated. While understimulation feels like brain fog, overstimulation can feel like overload, heat or static in your head.
1. I am incompetent 2. I am immature 3. I am an imposter
Sound familiar?
These are the descriptors undiagnosed ADHD women use most in reference to themselves, according to @SariSolden's book.
According to the book, ADHD women (though not sure this is all gender specific) feel that:
1. There is no way to keep up with the demands of life 2. Their symptoms are character flaws and signs of immaturity 3. Their successes are flukes and they are secretly failures
I share this to push against the idea that ADHD adults get diagnosed bc of straightforward symptoms like lack of focus and hyperactivity. Most of us get diagnosed because the demands of life overwhelm us, and we or someone else finally recognises something else is going on.
This got more traction than I expected so I just want to add: if you are neurodivergent, you NEED to create your own relationship norms. It you try to replicate neurotypical relationships, it will feel like hard work because you aren't neurotypical.
My partner and I really started making strides out of the "storming" stage of our relationship by embracing ADHD and (mostly me) letting go of neurotypical indicators of relationship success. For example, I really like talking about my day. I used to feel hurt that my...
...partner wouldn't take an interest in my day when we first got home, and wanted to watch tv over dinner instead of chatting. But this is actually because at that stage of the day, he is still too overstimulated to talk properly. Now we watch tv, and go to bed early to have...
Maybe so, but also: The hardest part of your life shouldn't be your relationship. Your partner should be your teammate against the hard stuff, not the cause of it.
I internalised that "relationships require compromise" so much as a young adult and interpreted toxicity as normal. It wasn't. Yes, relationships require compromise and energy but it should feel good, not like a burden, trap, or responsibility.
My current partner and I have been together for three years. We both have ADHD, we have lots of idiosyncrasies that have taken active focus to work out. But I'm still so excited to wake up to him each morning, and all of our learning together feels rewarding and helps us grow.
If I could get neurotypical people to do one thing, it would be to stop projecting intent onto neurodivergent people when there is none. Stop and think before you use words like flaky, lazy, messy, and rude re ND people, and reflect on what is actually underneath the behaviour.
E.g. your ADHD friend isn't late because they don't value your time- they find time universally hard to measure. Your autistic friend not making eye contact doesn't mean they're not listening. Dsypraxic clumsiness doesn't mean they're being careless.
The most exhausting thing about ADHD is managing the way people emotionally react to behaviours that have nothing to do with them, e.g. My Mum interpreting me leaving cupboard doors open as a lack of respect for how she keeps her kitchen. I have ADHD and forget them! I do try!
"You don't have ADHD unless you showed symptoms as a child". 1. Most girls only start showing symptoms at puberty. 2. Parental support can mean ADHD is unintentionally managed 3. Kids who aren't middle class or white are interpreted as "naughty" so symptoms aren't documented.
4. Parents and teachers are not trained in spotting what ADHD can look like 5. Hallmark symptoms like daydreaming, sensitivity, and hyperfocus are rarely noticed by adults as ADHD 6. Parental pressure means some children will force themselves to "behave" regardless of ADHD
And most importantly 5. ADHD isn't some secret society you need the password to be part of! Stop gatekeeping and start sharing experiences so people can identify whether or not they DID actually have symptoms as children.