Thread by @AbouS_K

The best thing that comes from my #WellnessWalks is uninterrupted time to reflect on my thoughts.

Because of @Luvvie’s conversations, I had the opportunity to reflect on how black women constantly help to make me a better person. Today I got to think of @FelishaP_S 1/

https://twitter.com/abous_k/status/1345828642929180672

For a bit of background: I’ve always been a fan of advocacy. Because we all benefit from some form of privilege. Advocacy gives us the ability to use those privileges, whatever they may be, to speak up for those who don’t benefit from the same privilege(s). 2/

In the past I often advocated in private spaces. I would address moments of various -isms directly to the person, typically behind closed doors, yet rarely publicly.

My thinking for this was that it would make the conversation more digestible for the person I’m speaking with. 3/

However, this past summer there was an incident of racism with one of our former classmates on our Facebook page and I took the opportunity to publicly address said person. 4/

I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was one of the rare times in which I so publicly dragged someone, with both parties identities still attached. And there was no brevity or gentle tone in my voice either. 5/

That same evening, @FelishaP_S and I had a chance to digest that discussion a bit.

And in our discussion the following point was made ⬇️

(One thing about black women, if they deem you worthy, they will constantly challenge you to be better, without you even noticing) 6/

Mind you, this was the first time someone had laid this fact out for me in this way:

That my accolades/position of power not only gave me the responsibility to speak up in certain instances, but they gave me the privilege to do so in a way that is not often afforded to others 7/

@FelishaP_S may not have realized it....but that message was the catalyst for the way I changed how I advocated for people.

I stopped with the nuance and unnecessary gentleness, and approached conversations more head on, and often more publicly. 8/

You may wonder why? Why is this?

In theory the idea of addressing some conversations in private may make them more palatable to the person on the receiving end of the criticism.

However @FelishaP_S comment made me realize a few things: 9/

1.) In order to have the conversation in private, you have to pass up on the moment to address a person when their comment is made. In doing this you’re actually aiding and abetting in whatever -isms they are perpetrating 10/

1a.) First, you’re contributing to the continued power dynamic in which you are allowing someone who is often made to feel comfortable in a space to continue feeling comfortable in that space and avoid immediate accountability for that action. 11/

1b.) In doing so, you are making the person who the -ism is directed towards, continue to feel small and uncomfortable; when often that person is always the one who is made to feel small in a space. When is their time to feel comfortable/validated? 12/

2.) Your passiveness may give other people in the room the idea that said behavior is okay, or shouldn’t be addressed. When you should in fact be taking that opportunity to publicly denounce said -ism. 13/

3.) If you take the opportunity to publicly address the topic, you never know who else in the room you are empowering to do the same in the future. And thus you publicly addressing it allows for a ripple effect of future actions of advocacy of the same sort. 14/

Such an impactful lesson from a “simple text”. But that text wouldn’t have been as simple if it weren’t for the dynamic @FelishaP_S and I share: where she knows I always value her opinion and welcome her to speak her truth (which is often THE truth). 15/

From that moment on (literally less than a year ago) I’ve been much more public and intentional about my advocacy.

And you want to know what’s happened?

1.) The results of my conversation don’t change: the person is still made aware of what they did wrong and how they need to do better. 16/

2.) I’ve had others who’ve been around when these instances occur reach out to me and tell me that they felt the same way but had no idea how to address it. 17/

3.) I’ve had others who’ve been around reach out and tell me they didn’t realize that what had occurred was a problem, but they were now aware and would hope to do better in recognizing it in the future. 18/

4.) I’ve had the person affected by the -ism reach out to me and thank me for standing up for them and helping them to feel validated. 19/

5.) the most important: there is a chance to immediately address the situation and work together to come up with actionable goals to be better in the future. 20/

So as a friendly reminder, while you’re intentions in avoiding publicly addressing certain topics may be good, the overall outcome can do more harm. Not to mention that you actually miss out on the chance to allow others the opportunity to grow as well. 21/

I hope to continue growing as an advocate and using my positions of privilege to help those who don’t benefit from the same! 22/

Thank you @FelishaP_S for constantly, casually helping me grow. I appreciate the relationship we’ve been able to cultivate in these last 4 years ❤️. (Black women truly are gems) 23/Fin

(P.S. -ism can be interchanged with -phobia where applicable above)