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Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

16 Jan, 13 tweets, 3 min read

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford declares State of Emergency. Says he doesn't understand what people don't understand about the rules. Either stay home or go to Walmart to buy essential cream cheese.
2. Ford announces his French lessons are going tray bueno.

3. Kenney announces Alberta will begin procuring their own vaccine because they only have most of the Fed's supply left now.
4. O'Toole announces he just doesn't know how to quit Ezra.
5. Freak storm in Morden, MB; MAGA hat kicked up in the wind; lands on Candace Bergen's head.

6. Canadian Conservative politicians and staffers mourn the loss of Parler which they have never heard of.
7. Kenney signs giant cardboard guarantee saying coal will be mined from Rockies without loss of a single acre of protected land unless it's accidentally delisted and sold.

8. Ford defenestrates MPP Baber from caucus after Baber complains about lockdown. Ford says he's already busy enough locking down Phillips and Oosterhoff.
9. Ontario's Minister of LTCs adheres to lockdown rules and takes three-week vacation under her bed.
10. Où est la Fullerton?

11. Just when you thought Andrew Scheer couldn't defenestrate his reputation any further, Andrew Scheer fully defenestrates himself. Like, maaaddd defenestration going on here.
12. Moments before Parler shuts down, thousands of Canadians post "What does defenderthestation mean?"

13. Rempel wins 'Hardest Working MP' award. Delivers acceptance speech from cab of truck in parking lot of Oklahoma Walgreens.
14. CPC Senator Frum outraged CBC opened broadcast coverage with news of Capitol riots. Says Canadians deserve more news about new Corner Gas reboot.

15. Conservatives say, "Sure, we supported and cheered a really horrific five years of Trumpism, but, it's been like half a day since we apologised. Why can't the radical left just forgive and forget?!"
16. And the Regional Manager of ANTIFA laughed and laughed and laughed.

17. Kenney defenestrates Lesser Slave Lake MLA after it's discovered Rehn never did any work on behalf of his constituents. UCP has yet to announce date for the official state funeral for Irony.
18. Kenney shows graph during presser. Tremendous graph. The perfect graph really.

19. Ford's MZO allows Toronto heritage building to be demolished on first day of State of Emergency. Says it's absolutely essential more tiny overpriced condos are built in Toronto to help provide shelter for Vaughan Working Families.
20. Avez-vous vu Merrilee Fullerton?

21. Ontario's Chief Medical Officer David Williams says he just can't understand what all the horrible and irresponsible Ontarians didn't understand about Doug waiting to lockdown until after Boxing Day so Doug could spend some quality Christmas time with the fam.

22. Associate Medical Officer Yaffe says Covid curve will not be flattened without ensuring paid sick leave for everyone in Ontario. Doug says he's doing everything possible to flatten the curve. Except paid sick days. That's it. That's the funny part.
23. Avez-vous vu Merrilee?

24. Conservative politicians and Senators call for more civilized and dignified kind of discourse in the political arena. Denise Batters agrees by adding "Yeah, and we f*cking mean YOU, Trudope!!"
25. CPC says they only meant they are "Taking Canada Back" from the St Louis Blues.

26. Ontario ICUs predicted to be at capacity by February. Doug Ford neglects to announce this potential catastrophe during his cross-province campaigning this past summer.

27. Canada. Please rester le f*ck à la maison. K? Maresee bowkooh.

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More from @mynamesnotgordy

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

10 Jan

Some stuff I learnt because of a pandemic:

1. Some say a dog is man's best friend. I think it's canned tuna.
2. Ordering pants online is a 50/50 proposition at best.
3. Broccoli bonsai trees only sound good on paper.
4. Bad TV is okay. Like Spam when you haven't eaten in days.

5. If you get through all the levels of Netflix you don't get to record your initials or your high score at the end.
6. You wave at people more. Lots and lots of waving. Like Forrest Gump levels of waving.
7. It's true. That harmonica ain't gonna learn to play itself.

8. Don't name your dust bunnies. Just makes it harder on you when your vacuum cleaner Dave eats them. Horrific really.
9. If cabin fever's really getting to you. I mean really getting to you. Like you feel like a caged animal. Well, become a politician and take a vacation then.

Read 8 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

9 Jan

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Well I know I learnt a lot more on Twitter this week than Trump did.
2. After Covid numbers skyrocket in Ontario for past four months, Doug Ford says the data modelling suggests he might have to stop his cross-province campaigning soon.

3. After the assault on the Capitol this week, the CPC finally pulls camou MAGA hats from online merch shop.
4. With pictures of the CPC's Deputy Leader wearing a camou MAGA hat circulating, Michelle Rempel expresses outrage that Candice Bergen getting more attention than she is.

5. UCP MLA Pat Rehn issues statement after return from Xmas trip to Mexico. Says he is sorry, but also very excellent.
6. Jason Kenney says he knows he's failed Albertans and that's why he moved up to the Sky Palace to help him see things from the everyday people's perspective.

Read 15 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

2 Jan

What I've learnt on the Twitter this year:

1. The State of Hawaii makes Jason Kenney honorary Premier.
2. Rod Phillips and John Tory say Rod nodded off on a TTC streetcar and somehow ended up in St Barts.
3. New Conservative Task Force created to locate their MPs and staff.

4. Michelle Rempel says, because some other Conservative politicians did the wrong thing, now she can't do the wrong thing, because the media will report she did the wrong thing, and that's wrong for the media to do. That's it. That's the funny part.

5. Mike Harris awarded the Order of Ontario, which basically makes the whole thing an attendance award.
6. Doug Ford announces that a large order of McDonald's fries and a box of Philadelphia Cream Cheese will also be awarded the Order of Ontario this year.

Read 13 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

1 Jan

My predictions for things that will *not* happen in 2021:

1. Sometime, in the middle of February, Doug Ford will tell the truth for an entire week.
2. Stephen Lecce will tweet a tweet which doesn't include the words "gratitude" and "consultative", and - actually includes a fact.

3. Jason Kenney will announce funding for a university scholarship for liberal arts students whose parents don't actually contribute to the UCP.
4. Erin O'Toole will admit he and Andrew Scheer were never really scrappy middle-class kids growing up.

5. Doug Ford will preserve a green space.
6. Jason Kenney will announce that Albertans will now have to pay their fair share by paying a provincial sales tax.
7. Conservative governments across Canada will recruit and hire communications staff with some recognizable skillset.

Read 10 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

25 Dec 20

What I learnt on the Twitter this year:

1. Doug Ford says "Doug Ford cannot be bought." He does however offer attractive financing terms.
2. Erin O'Toole says the CPC to be a changed party under his leadership. He did not lie. The CPC now has a dog mascot. And even more memes.

3. If you win a lottery you get a giant novelty cheque for the photo opp. You cannot actually take that giant novelty cheque to the bank. It's not real. If Jason Kenney signs a giant novelty healthcare promise...yeah, well you get the idea.
4. Alberta still waiting for that job.

5. Lecce says COVID isn't being spread in Ontario schools. Lecce says thanks to the hard work and sacrifice of teachers and staff, Ontario's schools remain the safest place in the world. Lecce does still think teachers are an overpaid bunch of grumblers.

RT if you love nonnas.

Read 21 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

28 Nov 20

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug says Auditor General isn't qualified to assess his government's pandemic response and should leave that work to the sticker salesman and lawyer overseeing the crisis planning.
2. Bearded Etobicoke man yells "Beer, BBQ and Freedom!"

3. Ontario's AG says politicians leading pandemic response, not health experts. Doug says that's untrue; Dr Williams received a text message whenever Doug's Chief of Staff made any important strategy decisions.
4. Dr Williams' contract extended. That's it. That's the funny part.

5. Lecce says 97% of schools Covid-free. Experts disagree, saying number is more like 45%. Lecce says all numbers are ostensible.
6. ON PC's vote to support anti-Muslim homophobe school owner. Doug says school's new Bachelor of Jesus degree means good-paying jobs for graduates.

Read 12 tweets

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