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Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

23 Jan, 15 tweets, 3 min read

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford says if Pfizer doesn't step up, he'll drive a tractor-trailer full of firecrackers down to Kalamazoo to talk ying-yangs with Pfizer's CEO.
2. Joe Biden's first act as President is pouring himself a giant cup of Kenney tears.

3. Jason Kenney appears on the FOX News to plead his case for Keystone. Insiders say Kenney set to appear on The Weather Channel and The Jerry Springer Show sometime next week.
4. Kenney ends his Fox News interview by storming off set shouting, "Marica! Marcia! Marccciaaa!"

5. Bernie Sanders first man to land a lawn chair and wool mittens on the moon. Afterward he meets with The Beatles and then makes a guest appearance on Friends
6. Neither Biden nor Harris tweet anything incendiary or riddled with typos this week. 74 million Amurikuns confused.

7. Trump had a Village People mixed tape. Biden had Gaga, 8 million pounds of fireworks and a watch worth almost as much as Trump's toilet.
8. Trump leaves White House for the last time. The world rejoices. Except Trump's kids, Ted Cruz and one point five billion Alberta dollars.

9. Doug Ford tours Oshawa Holiday Inn. That's it. That's the funny part.
10. Reports indicate memos show Ford and Lecce ignored experts' advice about school safety protocols. Ford's comms team say Horwath to blame for Ford's misunderstanding of the expert reports he never read.

11. Fullerton says residents dying in LTCs because Horwath is disgusting and also those horrible Liberal licence plates.
12. Fullerton says Ford government further increasing the iron ring around LTCs by scheduling two extra Zoom meetings they can tweet screenshots of this week.

13. Lecce visits public school for the first time ever this week. Well, public school kids' living rooms. Via Zoom.
14. Doug Ford performs SNL skit during press conference this week; reprises role of Matt Foley, motivational speaker
15. Stephen Lecce buys new tight sweater.

16. Lecce tweets Doug Ford quote, "Tough times come and go, but the Ford team will always take credit for motivational adages they didn't write."
17. Doug Ford waves his fist angrily at cloud shaped like Pfizer. Mutters something about ying-yangs and crawling up inside them.

18. Ford government secretly expedites demolition of Toronto heritage site. Says portions of new high density condo development designated as new affordable housing space. Indicates a bench will be placed out front that the homeless can sit on between noon and 2 PM on Thursdays.

19. Erin O'Toole announces Sunday CPC are not a Far Right. Follows up announcement on Tuesday saying money contributed to CPC by known neo-nazi is all Derek Sloan's fault. Derek Sloan argues CPC knew where money came from. O'Toole says mixup result of Pfizer's failure to deliver.

20. Justin Trudeau tells people to cancel any travel plans they have. Adds that March break travel isn't going to happen. Conservative politicians bring down internet trying to log onto Travelocity to secure refunds.
21. UPC redeem WestJet frequent flyer miles for $1.5B pipeline.

22. Jason Kenney says loss of $1.5B he invested in a project everyone knew wasn't going to happen will be recouped when he tears down 21,500 more Living Walls.
23. Rex Murphy says he's appalled by progressives' crusade to eschew investment in an increasingly obsolete industry.

24. Conservatives outraged by Trudeau's decision to appoint Payette as Governor General. Say appointment of Conservative senators Denise Batters or Lynn Beyak would have been much better choice.
25. O'Toole calls Pfizer in November. Delivery goes late in January. Are you with me?

26. This week Bernie Sanders proved to us all you don't really need anything more in life than a comfortable place to sit, a warm coat, and cozy pair of wool mittens. Canadian CFL fans all know this to be absolutely true.
27. I feel as though Deadpool would make an excellent GG.

28. The end of January. Mid winter. Now facing February, the longest shortest month ever. At the rate Doug is vaccinating we should all be vaccinated by 2023. We're all kinda hitting the wall, I know.

But trust me. We'll all laugh about all this some day.

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More from @mynamesnotgordy

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

16 Jan

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford declares State of Emergency. Says he doesn't understand what people don't understand about the rules. Either stay home or go to Walmart to buy essential cream cheese.
2. Ford announces his French lessons are going tray bueno.

3. Kenney announces Alberta will begin procuring their own vaccine because they only have most of the Fed's supply left now.
4. O'Toole announces he just doesn't know how to quit Ezra.
5. Freak storm in Morden, MB; MAGA hat kicked up in the wind; lands on Candace Bergen's head.

6. Canadian Conservative politicians and staffers mourn the loss of Parler which they have never heard of.
7. Kenney signs giant cardboard guarantee saying coal will be mined from Rockies without loss of a single acre of protected land unless it's accidentally delisted and sold.

Read 13 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

10 Jan

Some stuff I learnt because of a pandemic:

1. Some say a dog is man's best friend. I think it's canned tuna.
2. Ordering pants online is a 50/50 proposition at best.
3. Broccoli bonsai trees only sound good on paper.
4. Bad TV is okay. Like Spam when you haven't eaten in days.

5. If you get through all the levels of Netflix you don't get to record your initials or your high score at the end.
6. You wave at people more. Lots and lots of waving. Like Forrest Gump levels of waving.
7. It's true. That harmonica ain't gonna learn to play itself.

8. Don't name your dust bunnies. Just makes it harder on you when your vacuum cleaner Dave eats them. Horrific really.
9. If cabin fever's really getting to you. I mean really getting to you. Like you feel like a caged animal. Well, become a politician and take a vacation then.

Read 8 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

9 Jan

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Well I know I learnt a lot more on Twitter this week than Trump did.
2. After Covid numbers skyrocket in Ontario for past four months, Doug Ford says the data modelling suggests he might have to stop his cross-province campaigning soon.

3. After the assault on the Capitol this week, the CPC finally pulls camou MAGA hats from online merch shop.
4. With pictures of the CPC's Deputy Leader wearing a camou MAGA hat circulating, Michelle Rempel expresses outrage that Candice Bergen getting more attention than she is.

5. UCP MLA Pat Rehn issues statement after return from Xmas trip to Mexico. Says he is sorry, but also very excellent.
6. Jason Kenney says he knows he's failed Albertans and that's why he moved up to the Sky Palace to help him see things from the everyday people's perspective.

Read 15 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

2 Jan

What I've learnt on the Twitter this year:

1. The State of Hawaii makes Jason Kenney honorary Premier.
2. Rod Phillips and John Tory say Rod nodded off on a TTC streetcar and somehow ended up in St Barts.
3. New Conservative Task Force created to locate their MPs and staff.

4. Michelle Rempel says, because some other Conservative politicians did the wrong thing, now she can't do the wrong thing, because the media will report she did the wrong thing, and that's wrong for the media to do. That's it. That's the funny part.

5. Mike Harris awarded the Order of Ontario, which basically makes the whole thing an attendance award.
6. Doug Ford announces that a large order of McDonald's fries and a box of Philadelphia Cream Cheese will also be awarded the Order of Ontario this year.

Read 13 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

1 Jan

My predictions for things that will *not* happen in 2021:

1. Sometime, in the middle of February, Doug Ford will tell the truth for an entire week.
2. Stephen Lecce will tweet a tweet which doesn't include the words "gratitude" and "consultative", and - actually includes a fact.

3. Jason Kenney will announce funding for a university scholarship for liberal arts students whose parents don't actually contribute to the UCP.
4. Erin O'Toole will admit he and Andrew Scheer were never really scrappy middle-class kids growing up.

5. Doug Ford will preserve a green space.
6. Jason Kenney will announce that Albertans will now have to pay their fair share by paying a provincial sales tax.
7. Conservative governments across Canada will recruit and hire communications staff with some recognizable skillset.

Read 10 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

25 Dec 20

What I learnt on the Twitter this year:

1. Doug Ford says "Doug Ford cannot be bought." He does however offer attractive financing terms.
2. Erin O'Toole says the CPC to be a changed party under his leadership. He did not lie. The CPC now has a dog mascot. And even more memes.

3. If you win a lottery you get a giant novelty cheque for the photo opp. You cannot actually take that giant novelty cheque to the bank. It's not real. If Jason Kenney signs a giant novelty healthcare promise...yeah, well you get the idea.
4. Alberta still waiting for that job.

5. Lecce says COVID isn't being spread in Ontario schools. Lecce says thanks to the hard work and sacrifice of teachers and staff, Ontario's schools remain the safest place in the world. Lecce does still think teachers are an overpaid bunch of grumblers.

RT if you love nonnas.

Read 21 tweets

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