Thread by @GuardianofJupi1

"I would give up everything if it meant my sister is still alive."

Lan Wangji halted in his steps. Of all the people he thought would talk to him, Lan Wangji had never thought it would be Jiang Wanyin. Their history was filled with bitter pettiness. Slowly, he turned around.

Keeping his face emotionless, he stared at Jiang Wanyin. It was him that approached him; Lan Wangji didn't owe this man any word or any courtesy.

Jiang Wanyin's jaw visibly rippled in his effort to rein his temper in and something vindictive in Lan Wangji was soothed.

Taking a deep breath, Jiang Wanyin tried again. In a more milder tone. "I heard Zewu-Jun went into seclusion."

"Mn."

"How is he?"

"Shufu said he's doing fine," Lan Wangji answered emotionlessly.

Jiang Wanyin looked as if he wanted to strike Lan Wangji with Zidian but he

clenched his hands into tight fists as he held himself back. Taking again another deep breath, he spoke calmly. "Lan-shifu told you? You mean you haven't been back to Cloud Recesses to see him?"

Lan Wangji glared but the answer was obvious.

Something in Jiang Wanyin snapped.

"Lan Wangji! It's been almost a month!" Jiang Wanyin snapped. The fact that Lan Wangji hadn't visited Zewu-Jun at all since that night was too mind-boggling for him to consider.

"A month since he had found out about the ultimate betrayal!"

Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes.

Jiang Wanyin ignored the anger rolling out from Lan Wangji as he pressed on. "And you haven't been back to Cloud Recesses since that night? What have you been doing? How could you leave him all alone? He's your brother!"

Something stubborn within Lan Wangji triggered violently.

"I don't need you, of all people, to tell me that," Lan Wangji hissed.

"I'm the one who has any right to call you out," Jiang Wanyin spat out. "I would have given up anything if I could have my family back! You still have your brother and he needs you!"

Lan Wangji raised his

eyebrows in quiet contempt. "Funny for you to say that, since Wei Ying is still alive and all. And you haven't been trying to see him at all since that night either."

Jiang Wanyin tried so hard to hide his flinch but he didn't think he was succeeding. He swallowed hard once-

"This is not about me and Wei Wuxian. This is about you not visiting Zewu-Jun."

"If you couldn't go to Wei Ying because of your guilt, then don't go around preaching about me," Lan Wangji huffed before he turned around to leave.

Jiang Wanyin wanted nothing more than to leave

as well because heavens know how much he loathed being around the insufferable, righteous Hanguang-Jun. But he couldn't.

He still remembered that cursed night. The paleness of Lan Xichen's face like he couldn't feel the earth under his feet. That night he couldn't go to him-

because he, too, felt the same way as Lan Xichen. Untethered and unhinged. The core within him felt like an infected creature, spouting poison along his meridian lines and it took everything in him not to take Sandu and gouged the core out right there.

He spent a month in Lotus

Pier, meditating his chaotic minds and surpressing his frothing rage. Until he heard that Zewu-Jun had secluded himself for an indefinite time.

See, Jiang Wanyin had always admired Zewu-Jun. He had always liked him. In the world of red-tinge fury and black-muted grief, Zewu-Jun

was the one of the few sources of light that made it all bearable. His kind smiles, his warm touch of concern on his shoulders and arms and his steady, unfaltered presence in every gathering they had crossed path had never failed to make Jiang Wanyin's heart fluttered into life.

Jiang Wanyin loved Zewu-Jun in his own usual, quiet and unassuming way. He loved Zewu-Jun with no expectation to be reciprocated, content to love from afar because Jiang Wanyin had stopped expecting anybody to love him back.

And as noble and kind as Zewu-Jun was, Jiang Wanyin-

also refused to be pitied. After all, he was used at one-sided affection, so he was okay with all of this.

He hadn't wanted to barge into Zewu-Jun seclusion. When he heard Hanguang-Jun was in the area, he swallowed his pride (his love would always outweigh his pride) and quickly

went to the Stonewall of Gusu Lan Sect. Thus, as much as he wanted to leave this conversation, his heart urged his feet to stay and tried one more time.

"Wei Wuxian and I had fallen out even before his demise," Jiang Wanyin retorted.

Lan Wangji halted.

"Our bitter relationship spans for almost twenty years. Lies upon lies that nothing could be said to unravel all of it. Affection and gratitude are so intermingled that I couldn't set them apart. When Wei Wuxian told me to leave everything behind that night, it set in the last

nail of our brotherhood's coffin." Jiang Wanyin's face was a mixture of pure anger and resignation. "Hanguang-Jun, I have done my share of running towards Wei Wuxian. The message is received loud and clear. I *couldn't* go to him. Not anymore. Not until he *wants* to."

"But you, Hanguang-Jun. For the last twenty years, Zewu-Jun supported you. He too care of you when you too injured from the elders' punishment. He took care of your ward when you were in seclusion. He took care of the sect just so you could 'be where the chaos is'."

"Whereas my relationship with Wei Wuxian is riddled with lies and betrayal, your relationship with Zewu-Jun is not. He loves you unconditionally. How could you not go to him like he went to you?" Jiang Wanyin was truly baffled. He couldn't imagine leaving any of his family alone.

Guilt writhed within Lan Wangji. For one whole month, he was so drunk with the new life with Wei Ying that the thought of his brother's predicament barely registered in his mind. Once shufu sent a message telling him Lan Xichen is fine in seclusion, he just nodded his

head and resubmerged himself in the happiness.

As much as he hated it, Jiang Wanyin made his point. He should have spent a bit of time to go back home and visit Lan Xichen. But why did it have to the man he hated the most to make him see?

Irrational anger flooded through him-

and the words flew out of his mouth without thinking. "Don't try to fool me. I know about your feelings for my brother. Do you think I didn't notice the way you look at him?" He sneered.

Blood drained from Jiang Wanyin as he took a step backwards in shock. The usual sharp almond

eyes widened and his breaths stopped.

Lan Wangji unsheathed Bichen to mount it. With last glare, he said, "Wallow in your pining, Sandu Shengshou. My brother would never look twice to someone as harsh and cruel as you; not even once."

Jiang Wanyin watched the man fly away; the

air stuck in his throat and his heart was hurting so much that he was surprise to find it devoid of any physical blood.

But the hurt was visceral.

One-sided love was the recurring theme in his life but he was still holding on to it.

He never did learn anything, did he?

---

A/N: I'm sorry for the pain I caused yesterday😅. It took some time for me to track down (I have to read through the Wang/Xian chapters😣) the exact length of time it took for LWJ to come back to CR.

Three. Months. (Really, Wangji???)

So, onwards!

~A year later~

Lan Xichen frowned in a quiet sense of uneasiness. This was his third time attending cultivation conference since his exit from seclusion two months ago.

The time he spent in seclusion was not as solitary as he had thought it would be. Shufu and Wangji had come-

to visit, regaling him with the news from the outside world and showering him with their steadfast conviction in their belief of his own inner strength to pull through this tragedy. Lan Xichen had found, in his surprise, comfort in their presence. The knowledge that he wasn't-

as alone as he thought he was made the healing a bit faster; a bit easier and a whole less sorrowful as he had expected.

Lan Xichen would forever be grateful for Shufu. And Wangji, too. It didn't matter that it took his younger brother three months to come and see him; Lan-

Xichen understood the urgency to restore the chaos Jin Guangyao had left behind. Lan Wangji was busy helping Shufu to lead the sect. He was there for Lan Xichen nevertheless and had helped him immensely.

The first time he attended the cultivation conference, he had been nervous.

He knew about the rumours that were flying during his seclusion - about Jin Guangyao's deeds, about Lan Xichen's seclusion and about Jiang Wanyin's reaction to the return of Yiling Patriarch. While some rumours were true, most of them were embellished to the point of pure scorn.

He worried about the cultivators' reception of him; wonder whether the title 'Zewu-Jun' even meant anything at all now.

So, naturally, his eyes sought out Jiang Wanyin for reassurance as he always did during both of their time spent as sect leaders for the last twenty years.

Lan Xichen might have been part of Venerated Triad, but it was in the young sect leader of Lotus Pier that he often found comfort amidst his heavy responsibilities. His brotherhood with Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao was stressful enough when their endless argument and

passive-aggressive conversations, and so, for 20 years, Jiang Wanyin was the source of fresh honesty in both of his conduct and words. Lan Xichen always knew where he stood around Jiang Wanyin; whether he was angry or irritated or approving, Lan Xichen could clearly see them all.

But as he looked at Jiang Wanyin that day, he was surprised to see the violet eyes looked immediately away from him - grief was clearly written all over his face.

Oh--

Lan Xichen didn't think the event in Guanyin Temple still affected Jiang Wanyin this severely. Did Jiang

Wanyin took his time to grieve properly? He knew how harsh Sect Leader Jiang regarded himself. And he also knew, how lonely the man was. While Lan Xichen still had his shufu and Wangji, he knew acutely how the younger man practically had no family to lean on.

~Oh, Wanyin~. He thought empathetically. ~I wish I hadn't taken too long to come out from seclusion. We could have helped each, just like we did throughout our friendship~

Jiang Wanyin left so abruptly after the conference ended and Lan Xichen promised to himself that he would

catch up with him in the next conference.

The second conference he attended was still the same- Jiang Wanyin refusing to meet his eyes and leaving as soon as he was able. And now, in his third conference, he couldn't help but frown deeply at Jiang Wanyin's evasion.

"Shufu..." Lan Xichen sat in front of Lan Qiren on the first night of the conference.

"Xichen, what is on your mind?" Lan Qiren allowed a small smile at the sight of his oldest nephew.

Lan Xichen hesitated for a few moments before he forged forward. "I was wondering... During

my seclusion, what happened to Lotus Pier in the aftermath of the Guanyin Temple event? How did the cultivation world react?"

Lan Qiren raised his eyebrows. "Why do you ask, Xichen?"

"Shufu, you're aware of my friendship with Jiang Wanyin. After all, you always lamented how-

my sanity would be much more preserved if I had asked Jiang Wanyin to be my sworn brother, instead of Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao."

Lan Qiren chuckled. "Your bleeding heart requires a jaded pair of eyes. And Jiang Wanyin's scarred heart requires your endless kindness. I still-

don't know what were you thinking accepting Jin Guangyao's invitation to form Venerated Triad."

If Shufu said this a year ago, Lan Xichen would break down in tears. But Shufu had taught him to accept the past and accept the things he couldn't change. So, Lan Xichen simply smiled

softly, because it was true. He often wondered how much his life would have changed if he had Jiang Wanyin as his sworn brother. Perhaps, Jiang Wanyin would cast more light to his blinded eyes to Jin Guangyao's flaws.

"I had hoped that I can resume friendship with him. But-

it seemed Jiang Wanyin is avoiding me. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't begrudge my taking time in seclusion. So, I was wondering whether he had taken his own time to properly grieve or did he just plough through like he always did?" The worry in Lan Xichen's voice

was evident. "He never knows how to take care of himself. I worried about him back then, and I worry about him now." Lan Xichen chuckled. "I worry about him all the time, shufu."

Lan Qiren shook his head in amazement as he asked himself countless of time why didn't his nephew

just take Jiang Wanyin as his sworn brother. "I heard of the trouble in Lanling Jin, with regard to Jin Rulan's future ascension. Maybe it is because of that? But Xichen, after that night, you were not the only one going into seclusion. While Jiang Wanyin didn't officially-

declare, he was barely seen outside the borders of Lotus Pier."

The amber eyes darkened. "He is alone, shufu. He's always been alone. For years I tried to be someone to fill that void and while I might have not succeeded, the few times I managed to coax a smile or two from him

were like accomplishments to me. I have you and Wangji, and he has no one."

Lan Qiren watched the sorrow on Lan Xichen's face, as if the younger man couldn't bear the thought of Jiang Wanyin grieving alone; as if the very knowledge physically hurt him. Years before, Lan Qiren-

had thought it was merely Lan Xichen's empathic heart sympathising Jiang Wanyin. But now, Lan Qiren wasn't so sure because what he witnessed now was feelings that were too strong for mere friendship.

Was Lan Xichen even aware?

"Well, even if it took Lan Wangji 3 months to-

come back to Cloud Recesses, I'm still glad he managed to assist you in your seclusion," Lan Qiren agreed.

Wait- what?

Lan Xichen looked up to shufu. "Wangji wasn't in Cloud Recesses before he visited me?"

"No, he was wandering the world with that Wei boy," Lan Qiren sounded

annoyed. "I had thought they would keep on wandering, considering Wei Wuxian's wild nature, but I was pleasantly surprised to find myself to be mistaken when he came back."

Lan Xichen sat still in shock. He had thought works and responsibilities kept Lan Wangji away. He had-

never thought Lan Wangji was away *with* Wei Wuxian - away *from* him, his own grieving brother.

Oh-

Was that how much he worth in his younger brother's eyes?

Lan Xichen had spent his whole life raising Lan Wangji and Lan Wangji couldn't spare a while for him.

--

The revelation that Lan Wangji spent 3 months frolicking with Wei Wuxian while Lan Xichen's whole world crumbled in just one night was the deep hurt that he left festering in his heart. He swallowed it just as he had swallowed everything else that is bad and hurtful in his life.

There were times Lan Xichen had wished that he could be *less* kind and less *empathetic* to the people around him, just so he could care less about whether he was hurting them with his words or not. But he couldn't. Lan Xichen was raised to keep his discontent quietly and to-

bear everything with a smile on his face and a heart that was quick to forgive.

He was raised to love his family without conditions. He was taught to forgive without reserves. He was reminded of his faultless conducts.

Even when this revelation hurt like salt in an open wound.

So, he closed himself off Lan Wangji. And he focused on trying to understand the reticence that Jiang Wanyin had for him, because what else he could do?

How was he supposed to confront Lan Wangji, without looking like he was begrudging his brother's happiness.

He couldn't.

At the end of the second day of the conference, Lan Xichen rose and quickly caught up with Jiang Wanyin, who looked so hellbent in reaching for his room.

"Wanyin," Lan Xichen said gently. He could feel the man's sharp tense at his nearness. The uneasiness that he felt yesterday

intensified. Why was Jiang Wanyin reacting like this to him?

"Zewu-Jun," Jiang Wanyin said stiffly. He looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but here.

Lan Xichen paused before tentatively spoke. "I supposed it was a bit too late for me to ask since it's been a year, but, how-

how are you holding up?"

Jiang Wanyin snapped his head up to stare at Lan Xichen, eyes wide in surprise. "...what?"

"This has been the longest we haven't spoken to each other, have we?" Lan Xichen pressed, thinking that perhaps this was the reason for Jiang Wanyin pulling away

them. What they had might be not as close as what Lan Xichen used to have with his former sworn brothers, but Jiang Wanyin was still one of his dearest friends. He couldn't bear it if he lost Jiang Wanyin's friendship as well. "I'm sorry it took me almost a year to end my

seclusion; I would have been with you sooner if I- I could."

Jiang Wanyin couldn't believe his ears. Ever since he heard Lan Xichen had exited his seclusion, he was dreading their meeting because surely Hanguang-Jun had told Zewu-Jun about his feelings since the acerbic words

uttered by Hanguang-Jun a year had left Jiang Wanyin with conviction that his secret would be made known to the one person he didn't want him to know.

"You thought I kept my distance because I resented you being in seclusion?" Jiang Wanyin echoed, then his temper snapped, "Why

would I resent you for that? I'm not cruel enough to think your seclusion as a weakness! When I heard you secluded yourself, I was so worried that you'd lose yourself!"

"Then, why?" Lan Xichen asked.

"I thought you'd want me away. I thought Hanguang-" Jiang Wanyin immediately

bit down his loose tongue, silently cursing his temper to get the better of him. Lan Xichen didn't know of his secret; wasn't that a good thing? "Nevermind."

Lan Xichen frowned. "Wanyin, why would you think I would want you away?" He asked slowly.

Jiang Wanyin stared at the

still-weary face, reminding himself that Lan Xichen had just recently regained his footing on this world. He had hundreds of things to be concerned of - his sect, his people and his relationship with the cultivation world after being away for some time.

His feelings towards this

man was his own to bear and his own secret to keep. It was just another secret in his long line of secrets. He wouldn't burden his friend with his feelings. With a soft sigh, he said, "Nevermind, Zewu-Jun," and tried out a small smile of reassurance. "You're right. I don't-

know what I was thinking sometimes. And I'm sorry for avoiding you. It was uncalled for."

Lan Xichen returned the rare smile with his own brighter one, but inside his head, one question played in his mind: What had Lan Wangji said to Jiang Wanyin to make him avoid him?

--

"Shufu," Lan Xichen called out gently as he hastened his steps towards his uncle. "May I have a moment of your time?"

Since the cultivation conference ended a week ago, Lan Xichen had been wondering about the connection between Jiang Wanyin and Hanguang-Jun, knowing how much

both of them loathed each other since Wei Wuxian died. Even if by some miraculous chance they talked to each other, Lan Xichen doubted it would in civil tone. There was nothing he hated more than being left in the dark, especially so after the incident with Jin Guangyao.

"Shufu, did-" he tried again. "Have Wangji talked to Sect Leader Jiang recently? Or perhaps when I was in seclusion?"

Lan Qiren stroke his beard thoughtfully. "I don't think so. I'd remember if Sect Leader Jiang came for official visit."

"Oh," Lan Xichen replied, disappointed.

"But, Lan Wangji had spent three months wandering with Wei Wuxian before he came back to assume sect leader position. Perhaps, he met Jiang Wanyin during that time?"

Well, that was entirely possible. Then, he remembered something shufu had said last week. "Shufu, you said that

you were surprised when Wangji came back with Wei Wuxian."

Lan Qiren drew his eyebrows in disapproval at the mention of Wei Wuxian. "You know how Lan Wangji is when he is around that Wei boy. All of his common sense flew out and he becomes rebellious, biased and as wild as his

chosen cultivation partner." The word 'chosen' was almost spat out. "Don't you see, Xichen, he eloped the moment the incident over, not even asking for your well-being and he hadn't been coming home to see you hastily, even after I had sent him letter. I blamed both of them for

their lack of empathy and sense."

Lan Xichen had never seen Shufu this angry before.

Lan Qiren continued, "When my letter couldn't prompt him to come home, I was resigned to the fact that Lan Wangji had chosen Wei Wuxian over everything else. I don't want to lose him, so I

asked him to come home under an excuse of organising a banquet. Even then, I was still surprise he came home."

A realisation struck Lan Xichen. "Shufu... if you don't think Wangji or Wei Wuxian were capable to deciding to come home," -to come see him seclusion. "-do you think

someone else told them to?" Lan Xichen's voice trembled at the possibility.

Lan Qiren looked at his nephew as he inhaled sharply. "You mean- Jiang Wanyin? But didn't they dislike each other? Why would Jiang Wanyin seek out Wangji?"

Lan Xichen felt tears burned. "Jiang Wanyin

said when he first heard of my seclusion, he was worry that I'd lose myself. He knew how it felt to grieve alone. Shufu... I think it was Jiang Wanyin that asked Wangji to come home."

"Oh, that boy..." Lan Qiren breathed.

"And I think Wangji said something unkind to him."

--

Lan Wangji's sharp eyes followed his brother's movement. As usual, Lan Xichen's smile adorned his face and his voice was as gentle and as courteous as ever. It was the same xiongzhang that he had grew up with. But somehow, Lan Wangji could feel the.. sadness? disappointment? he

could really identify. But it was the same quiet melancholy that he used to see whenever Lan Xichen came back from meeting with his former sworn brothers.

There was an aura of resignation that hang about him.

Lan Wangji pressed in his lips into one, thin line. He knew a year

was too short of a period for Lan Xichen to end his seclusion. Lan Wangji had spent three years and still he mourned for Wei Ying for more than ten years after that. While he was glad to give back the leadership mantle back to Lan Xichen and to plan continuing to wander the

world back with Wei Ying, he couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. Jiang Wanyin's hateful voices echoed in his mind and he wished he could cast the man off his mind.

Later that night, Lan Wangji stood outside of Hanshi. "Xiongzhang, may I come in?" He said in toneless voice.

There was a long moment of loud silence before he heard Lan Xichen reply from inside. "Of course, Wangji."

When he stepped in, Lan Xichen was sitting at the low table, already dressed in his night robes and his hair was pulled up in a simple bun without a hair ornament.

Surrounded by the red-gold candles, the white robe that Lan Xichen wore accentuated the aura of melancholy.

"Have a seat and tell me what's in your mind." Lan Xichen offered. It had been more than two weeks since Lan Xichen had talked Lan Wangji - the growing hurt in his heart

persisted despite him trying to swallow it down like he used to. He wondered whether Lan Wangji's visit tonight was because his brother had noticed his withdrawal.

"Xiongzhang..." Lan Wangji started with his usual quiet tone. "How are you holding up since the seclusion?"

"Fairly well. The cultivation conferences keep me abreast of the current issues and the paperworks keep me occupied. Why, Wangji? Do you miss it?" Lan Xichen teased gently, trying to maintain normalcy between them.

"You look well," Lan Wangji concluded. "Xiongzhang... I-" He

hesitated before pushing through. "Wei Ying is feeling quite restless. I don't blame him; we've been staying in Cloud Recesses for more than 9 months. Wei Ying is never the one to stay put for so long. So I'm here to ask for your permission for us to continue with our excursion."

Something deep-seated hurtful bloomed instantly within Lan Xichen. He clenched his hands into fists, trying to so hard to swallow it all *again*, but this time, it was proven to be difficult.

"You took time to come home. I wasn't even out of seclusion for two months and now you

can't wait to go away again?" Lan Xichen's voice dropped low dangerously.

Warning bells rung loudly in Lan Wangji's ears.

The first sentence acted as catalyst as the emotional dam burst open. "Shufu told me you didn't come home even after he sent you letters about me being in

seclusion. I thought for three months you were busy helping shufu with the sect affairs while I was gone. Imagine my surprise when shufu told me he managed the sect all by his own while you were eloping with Wei Wuxian."

Lan Wangji sat stunned at the sudden turn of event. He had

expected his request would to be indulged because all his life, Lan Xichen was his biggest supporter even on the things he didn't understand. He didn't expected this.

"Xiongzhang," Lan Wangji spoke up, feeling quite defensive. "I had found Wei Ying after 16 years of Inquiry.

I just have to-"

"To what, Wangji?" Lan Xichen's even tone rose. The dark amber eyes flashed dangerously. "To run away with Wei Wuxian? To leave shufu all on his own to clean up the mess? To leave *me* in seclusion alone?!"

Lan Xichen pressed on, the hurt that he'd kept hidden

began to froth out uncontrollably. "How cruel of you, Hanguang-Jun." He snapped and watched Lan Wangji flinch. "Even if you've forgotten all that I've done for you all your life, how could you disrespect and treat shufu like that?! Have you no shame? Is this how I've brought up?"

"I couldn't stay!" Lan Wangji said back. "How could I bring Wei Ying into Cloud Recesses when I knew of shufu's disapproval of us? I have to keep him safe!"

"You're not keeping him safe, Lan Wangji," Lan Xichen retorted. "You're hiding him. You're helping him running away from

his deeds; from the consequences of his actions. You're absolving his sins when you have no right whatsoever to do so!"

Lan Wangji reared back in shock. This was the first time he heard his gentle brother talking to him like that. He knew that this time, there would be no

indulgence granted to him; just furious honesty.

Still, the stubbornness within him refused to accept those words. "Wei Ying has paid his dues. He paid it with his life!"

"No, he hasn't. He was brought to life, to continue on practicing the demonic cultivation as if he hasn't

learned anything!" Lan Xichen snapped. "He's still careless with words and conducts. He hasn't been trying to make up to the people that he'd wrong. And for 9 months he'd been here, he still has no respect for our sects' rules! And you wonder why shufu disapprove of him??"

"This is why I didn't stay." Lan Wangji bit out.

Lan Xichen stared at his brother as if he was looking at a person whom he didn't recognise at all. Hanguang-Jun was a rule-abiding disciple of Gusu Lan, a walking figure of righteousness.

This man in front of him was not.

He was biased towards his partner, setting up a different set of rules just to cater to Wei Wuxian's whims. He was unfilial; shufu had sacrificed his whole to raise his nephews, living his life for them and Lan Wangji'd allowed Wei Wuxian to disrespect the sect that shufu loved.

And most of all, Lan Wangji had become selfish, because Lan Xichen couldn't imagine leaving Lan Wangji alone in his seclusion. If he had any doubt about Lan Wangji saying unkind things to Jiang Wanyin, he didn't now.

"Why did you come home?" He asked in cold tone.

The thin lips pursed in stubbornness, so sure of his own conviction, but Lan Xichen would show Lan Wangji that he could outmatch him. So, he stared hard and unflinchingly.

Eventually, Lan Wangji spoke up mulishly. "If I said I wanted to?"

"Then, I would not believe you."

Lan Wangji inhaled sharply.

"Why not?" He demanded.

"Because when shufu sent you letter, you didn't come home. So, who told you to come home, Lan Wangji?" Lan Xichen asked. Fury filled him when Lan Wangji didn't answer him.

"WHO?!"

Lan Wangji flinched at the rare roar.

Trepidation filled his heart because the last time he'd seen Lan Xichen get truly angry was the night at Guanyin Temple when he faced the unrepented Jin Guangyao.

"Why does it matter who told me to come home?" Lan Wangji gritted his teeth. Did Jiang Wanyin say anything to him?

Lan Xichen slowly rose to his feet and walked towards Lan Wangji with purposely steps. The younger man quickly got on his feet as well, defenses up. Both pairs of amber eyes met each other.

"It matters because apparently that person is only one who considers me at all."

"Do you know how hurtful that is, Wangji? To know an outsider cares about me more than my own brother. How humiliating that is because your conducts and values reflect mine; both as your sect leader and older brother."

Despite the fear, Lan Wangji simply stared back in defiant.

"Who is he?!"

Lan Xichen wanted to give him another chance, to at least looked contrite - because amidst his anger, Lan Wangji was still his family; the one whom Lan Xichen'd carried in his arms when he was a child and sat beside when he waited outside of their mother's room.

Lan Wangji almost snorted out loud. Jiang Wanyin didn't care for Lan Xichen. Didn't xiongzhang know that Jiang Wanyin was trying to get into his good graces because of his so-called attraction to him?

The nerves of that man, thinking that the would have a chance at all.

"*That man* wasn't doing it for your sake, xiongzhang," Lan Wangji muttered.

Lan Xichen wanted to cry in frustration when he found out Lan Wangji still insisted in his foolish pride. In his quest to love and protect Wei Wuxian, Wangji had lost sight of what was right and wrong.

Didn't he realise that he was breaking Lan Xichen's heart? Did he even care if he knew?

His hatred towards Jiang Wanyin and his absolute devotion towards Wei Wuxian were beyond the logical minds. Love was indeed a curse for a Lan.

"Get out." Lan Xichen said finally after a few

heartbreaking moments of contemplation because he now realised he had lost the Hanguang-Jun that he knew and loved.

This man wasn't his younger brother; he was Wei Wuxian's lover.

"Xiongzhang..?"

"I said get out! Get out of Hanshi! Get out of Cloud Recesses too since that's

what Wei Wuxian wanted, right?! Until you regain your righteousness, Hanguang-Jun, I shall bear no responsibility for your action any longer!" He turned around, away from Lan Wangji.

Lan Wangji couldn't believe Lan Xichen's ultimatum. How could his brother cast him aside just

for unwilling to say Jiang Wanyin's name?

Instead of feeling repented, pride and bitterness consumed him once more; as it always did when it came to Sandu Shengshou.

With low, cold tone, he spoke, "He doesn't care for you, Zewu-Jun. Didn't you know how he lusted after you?

Didn't you know he dares to pine after someone so above him? I've seen way those cruel eyes trailed after you during all the nighthunts events we attended. In return for your kindness, he harbours licentious thoughts. And that, is the man you claimed care for you."

Lan Xichen's heart stopped at the revelation. His eyes went wide in shock and there was a rock stuck in his throat.

Wanyin... wanted him?

Beautiful, aloof and untouchable Jiang Wanyin wanted him?

Never in his wildest imagination... Lan Xichen wasn't sure what he felt at that,

but- oh heavens, but why was his heart felt constricted and ached this way? Was it a feeling of flatter, or yearning? All he wanted at this moment was to go to Jiang Wanyin.

He wanted to confirm the feelings by himself. He wanted to see desire in those amethyst eyes.

But then, shock gave away to wrath as the rest of Lan Wangji's words registered because did Lan Wangji just insinuate Jiang Wanyin wasn't worthy of being loved? And his love was worthless?

The same Jiang Wanyin? Who had been alone in his grieving and suffering?

How dare him?!

Slowly, he turned around; his eyes were wide in absolute fury. This rage was beyond the one he felt for Jin Guangyao; beyond the one he felt when Cloud Recesses was burning.

"Say that again," he ordered with deep growl.

Lan Wangji actually took a step back. "Xiongzhang..."

"I said, say that again." Lan Xichen advanced; his eyes were wild.

Lan Wangji belated realise how big his mistake was. Why was Lan Xichen angry? Didn't Sandu Shengshou's reputation say everything? And since when Lan Xichen care anything at all about Jiang Wanyin?

Hatred overflowed. He opened his mouth and said, "Jiang Wanyin is beneath us-"

He didn't even manage to complete his sentence when Lan Xichen raised his hand and slap him across the cheek with resounding fury. "LAN WANGJI!"

The sound of loud smack echoed in the quiet space of

Hanshi, followed by the sound of harsh breathings - one filled with anger and the other one filled with shock.

Lan Xichen stared at Lan Wangji, who had his hand cupped on his cheek. His eyes were wide with tears fell down his cheeks and his chest heaved in utter disappointment.

"How dare you," Lan Xichen whispered; tears in his trembling voice. "How dare you think Jiang Wanyin is beneath; beneath anyone at all."

Lan Wangji froze, still shock at the harsh slap his gentle brother had given him.

"You only care for Wei Wuxian, but do you even stop for a

moment to consider the trail of destruction he left behind? That among all of us, Jiang Wanyin suffered the most from Yiling Patriarch's doings?" Lan Xichen raised his hand to clutch at his chest; his heart hurt at the remembrance of the early years after Wei Wuxian's death.

Lan Xichen remembered crossing his path with Jiang Wanyin in Lanling Jin. He remember the young man, at the tender age of seventeen, with lines of weary, grief and rage framing his eyes and mouth as he ran himself ragged to take care his fledging sect and his orphaned nephew.

He remembered seeing him kneeling beside Jin Rulan's babycot, cooing soft words with sad eyes. He remembered the barely hidden rage as he stood stoically as the cultivation worlds sneer at his sect tarnished reputation because of Yiling Patriarch.

And most of all, Lan Xichen

remembered the acute sense of loneliness rolling off from the man- no, the boy, who had lost too much, too soon and yet, still refused to bow down to the cruel fate.

Jiang Wanyin was the unshakeable mountain, the raging relentless river, and the lonely cloud during long winter.

Beneath him? Lan Wangji thought Jiang Wanyin was beneath Lan Xichen? How laughable was that?

"He was more than me. More than *you*. More than any of us. He accomplishes everything on his own, with sorrow in his heart, fury in his mind. And despite it all, he *loves*.

He still loves; without conditions, without reserves and without prejudices."

Lan Xichen wiped the tears away. "If what you said is true, then you don't know the honour of having that kind of person desiring you."

"Close the door when you leave, Hanguang-Jun."

---

Lan Qiren sat down with a relieved sigh at the low table with a set of steaming tea and food laid in front of him. It had been a month since Lan Xichen told him, with his voice halting and ladened with grief, about his decision to banish Lan Wangji.

The news had enraged him.

But when Lan Xichen told him the whole story, the rage gave away to sorrow because he almost couldn't believe it. *Almost* because Lan Qiren had seen how Lan Wangji had injured the elders for Wei Wuxian. For the sake of his 'love' for him. He'd seen Lan Wangji's stubbornness.

Back when he first took in his nephews, he'd vowed to raise them properly, so that they'd never follow their father's path, who was so obsessed with his love that he'd abandoned his responsibility, family and principles.

Lan Qiren wasn't opposed of love; only the blinded one.

"There's nothing we could do, Xichen." He had said wearily that day. "He'd chosen his path. Perhaps I'm too to be blamed."

"Shufu... you've given up your youth and your chance of happiness for us. You raised us up even when we weren't your responsibility. How are you to blame?"

"Watching both of you grew up *is* my happiness," Lan Qiren said gently.

Lan Xichen closed his eyes; his face was pale. "I wish- I wish I was still in ignorance; still blinded to Wangji's flaws. But when I heard him saying he is above Jiang Wanyin, and that he isn't worth

of being loved; the arrogance, the vindictiveness and the hatred he showed... I couldn't remain silent anymore."

Lan Qiren reached out to pull the miserable man into his arms. Oh- when was the last time he had him in his arms? Softly, he whispered, "Lan Wangji had chosen his

path. Whether the path will eventually lead back to us remains to be seen. I just hope you don't have to wait for a lifetime, just as I have waited for my brother."

Whatever sorrow that Lan Qiren felt, he knew it must have been a hundred times worse for Lan Xichen. They were

the Twin Jades, after all.

"So, for now, all we could do is go on with our lives." He patted Lan Xichen's back.

And so, Lan Xichen threw himself into the works. He organised nighthunts to help the townspeople. He strengthened the alliances. He had even worked to reopen Cloud

Recesses, so that, the sects and clans could send their heirs for further education. And he did all that with bright smiles, kind face and impeccable conducts. Lan Qiren watched his nephew with a deep sense of pride and love.

Today, the sect and clan leaders were flocking into

Cloud Recesses to ensure that their children had reserved a spot for the upcoming 6-month education. They'd been busy all morning and Lan Qiren finally managed to find time for a break.

He was leisurely enjoying the tea in his hands when he heard muted footsteps outside his

room. At first, Lan Qiren ignored the conversation but at the first listen of a familiar voice, the cup remained halted half-way.

"Zewu-Jun, is it true what Jin Ling told me? That you have told Hanguang-Jun to go away?" Ah... it was Jiang Wanyin, Lan Qiren realised. Ever since

the day he found out that it was Jiang Wanyin who had told Lan Wangji to come home for Lan Xichen, despite their long-standing animosity, Lan Qiren had an exceeding amount of affection to the young man.

There was pause before Lan Xichen spoke up. "It is true, Wanyin."

"Would it be presumptuous of me if I asked for the reason why?" Lan Qiren could hear worry in Jiang Wanyin's tone. He wondered about that.

"Wanyin, why does it matter to you? I was under the assumption that both of you have unamiable relationship?" Lan Xichen asked teasingly.

Lan Qiren couldn't help a small smile forming because obviously, being busy did wonder to Lan Xichen's well-being. He was slowly regaining his own gentle humour and it showed.
Or it could just because it was Jiang Wanyin.

"I'm not- We weren't-" Flustered. How adorable, Lan

Qiren thought fondly.

Jiang Wanyin tried again. "I ask because I don't understand how did change from you exiting seclusion because Hanguang-Jun came home to you banishing him?"

"Jiang Wanyin," Lan Xichen spoke up slowly; deliberately. "How did you know Wangji wasn't home

when I first started my seclusion?"

Lan Qiren held his breath, too, in waiting. This was Lan Xichen, trying to persuade Jiang Wanyin into confessing his own part of bringing Lan Wangji home. Lan Qiren wanted to know how the younger man would respond to it.

There was a long

pause on Jiang Wanyin's side. Lan Qiren could almost imagine the way his eyes wide in surprise. Twenty years seeing him as Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader, Jiang Wanyin was the most expressive person he had ever met.

"Jin Ling told me?" Uncertain.

Lan Qiren's lips stretched wide.

"I don't think so, Wanyin."

Lan Qiren snorted; apparently Lan Xichen didn't believe it either, judging by his indulging tone.

"Why does it matter how I knew?!" Ah, here came the temper.

"It matters if you're the reason he suddenly remembered that he has a brother in need."

The silence followed confirmed Lan Xichen's words. "Zewu-Jun, did you banish him because he didn't come home after that night in Guanyin Temple?" Jiang Wanyin asked softly.

So perceptive to people's mood and yet, so wrong; Lan Qiren thought. Lan Xichen's devotion to his family

was deep and couldn't easily be swayed by petty reasons like that.

Lan Xichen gave a sad chuckle. "I wish it was just that because I'd still try to look away. But it's not."

Lan Qiren heard a soft shuffle of feet and Jiang Wanyin's voice sounded a bit louder; a bit closer to

the door- to Lan Xichen. "Remember what you said to me the other day? You said that you would've tried to be with me sooner if you could. Well, it works both ways. I'm here, Zewu-Jun, if you want to tell me anything."The tone was low and firm.

Lan Xichen inhaled softly."Wanyin,

I don't deserve you."

It was Jiang Wanyin's turn to chuckle humourlessly. "Considering who our brothers are, I'd say we deserve each other."

Lan Qiren grinned; Jiang Wanyin was both honest and sassy. He didn't think he could like that boy even more but clearly, he was wrong.

Lan Xichen apparently agreed too because Lan Qiren could hear him laugh softly.

Then, "Lan Wangji told me that he wanted to be on the road. Just 2 months after I exited the seclusion, he wanted to leave already. I was already hurt from the knowledge that he had to be persuaded

to come home- to come and see me, and when he told me that Wei Wuxian was restless from being stationary, I supposed I had lost it."

Lan Qiren's heart constricted to hear deep hurt in Lan Xichen's voice and for the countless times, he wondered how could Lan Wangji do this.

"And then, I asked him who told him to come home and he had the nerve to demean you when he had no right. Not when he doesn't know you, like I do."

The lengthy pause followed almost made Lan Qiren leave his seat and peek outside. He wondered how Jiang Wanyin felt about that.

Jiang Wanyin was in shock. “Are you saying you cast Hanguang-Jun out because he *demean* me? Lan Xichen! Why would you do that?!” The disbelief told Lan Qiren how seldom Jiang Wanyin had people defending him; his heart ached in sadness.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Lan Xichen challenged.

“He didn’t know what we, the sect leaders, went through since the Sunshot Campaign – what *you* went through? He didn’t have any right to talk down to you when he had spent 16 years escaping the sect responsibilities. At least I have Shufu, the elders and a still standing sect.

But you did it all on your own. He didn’t know how I see you, Wanyin.”

“And, how, did you see me, Zewu-Jun?” Jiang Wanyin snapped, as if he was bracing himself for something bad.

~Tread carefully, Xichen~ Lan Qiren thought as he held on to his breath.

There was a sound of

thump at the door – oh heavens, Lan Qiren thought scandalously, did Lan Xichen just crowd Jiang Wanyin into the door? In the middle of the public hallway?

Lan Xichen’s voice dropped low and purposeful. “I see you as something resilient and constant. A courageous being, so

surefooted in your conviction that nothing could sway you once you’ve made your mind. The whole world maybe against you, but you are the unshakeable mountain.”

Lan Qiren’s mouth dropped. Lan Xichen’s words and the stark yearning in his voice were unexpected.

“My world is no longer black and white. It’s grey and chaotic. I’ve lost my footing on the solid ground and sometimes, I’m unsure of my paths. So, I look to you and to your strength." Lan Xichen was now whispering low. "You ask me how I see you.”

Jiang Wanyin’s sharp inhaled was audible.

“Wanyin, you are my north star.”

Lan Qiren put down the cup in dazed manner as realisation hit him. What was he thinking? Sworn brothers? Lan Xichen should have taken Jiang Wanyin as his cultivation partner!

---

“You knew.” Jiang Wanyin whispered in panicked realisation. “Hanguang-Jun told you.”

Lan Xichen stared down at Jiang Wanyin, who was still trapped between his arms. “Yes," He said softly.

“And now suddenly you, what? Admiring me?” Jiang Wanyin snapped; humiliation

began to grow. “16 years we knew each other and not once have you considered me as anything than a friend.”

A soft smile appeared on Lan Xichen’s face as waves of affection grew. Gently, he coaxed. “That’s not true. Ask me anything about you that you think I didn’t notice.”

Jiang Wanyin narrowed his eyes. He didn’t know how they got here and where Lan Xichen was going with this. “When did I gain partial custody of Jin Ling?” He challenged. No one should know about this; he'd never told anyone.

Oh- Lan Xichen could tell a lot about him and Jin Ling.

“You first came for Jin Ling in Lanling Tai a week after the Battle of Nightless City. You just buried your sister, fresh from grief as you pleaded Madam Jin to allow you to see him.” Lan Xichen said softly; gratified to see shock on Jiang Wanyin’s face.

“You don’t remember? I

was visiting Jin Guangyao at the time – the sect had suffered a huge blow of losing Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli in a matter of days, so, I was there to support him.”

“I saw you walked in. What struck me the most was the way you stepped in; still with your head held high even when

you couldn’t hide the pain. I realised that when you lost your sister, you had lost everyone; your family, your elders and your old sect; all because of one man’s doing. As months went by, you kept a steady presence beside Jin Ling as you tried to come and see him once a week.

At almost every time I came to Lanling Tai, I would catch a glimpse of you in Jin Ling’s nursery or outside. Sometimes I saw you tickling him until he giggled, sometimes I saw you cradling him to sleep, but most the time, I saw your sadness when you stared at your nephew.”

Jiang Wanyin was speechless at Lan Xichen’s words.

“Two years later, Jin Guangyao told me in an afterthought manner that you were struggling to split your time between travelling to Lanling Tai and spending more time to stabilise your sect. So, you decided to ask for Madam Jin’s

permission to allow you to bring Jin Ling back to Lotus Pier. I know for a fact that Madam Jin had a hard time letting her grandson go.”

“I’ve forgotten how many times Madam Jin refused me.” Jiang Wanyin said hoarsely.

“I’d figured it back then when I saw your frustrated face

each time you mounted Sandu to head back Lotus Pier. So, I told Jin Guangyao, that I would owe him one if he pleaded your case on my behalf.”

“…what?” Jiang Wanyin was so, so stunned. He had wondered back then why Madam Jin suddenly changed her mind. “…Why?”

“I-” Lan Xichen

halted. “The last time I saw you happy was when you were in Cloud Recesses, with young Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang. And then the massacre of Lotus Pier happened, Wei Wuxian went missing, followed by the Sunshot campaign that took away the lasts of our innocent youths. The whole

time I had never seen you smiled like you did before.”

“There was nothing I could do back then to ease your pain, but this? This small thing? I could do it. And it worth to see your face light up when you walked out of Lanling Tai with Jin Ling in your arms.”

“We were not even

friends back then,” Jiang Wanyin whispered, shock was still in his voice.

Lan Xichen’s amber eyes stared at Jiang Wanyin as he braved a caress under the sharp eyes with his thumb. Now he knew why he was drawn towards this man. Even back then, Lan Xichen had wanted Jiang Wanyin

“Wanyin, I’ve always admired you long before we took the first step towards friendship. Your strength and perseverance were amazing to see. The whole world could slander your name, but you always knew which path to tread. And it was always the path that I knew I could follow.”

He exhaled softly. “I meant it when I say that you’re my north star.”

“Why now?” Jiang Wanyin asked, still wary to accept any of this. This wasn't what he had expected; he had expected his love to remain unaccepted. “Why did it take Hanguang-Jun for you to say anything?”

Lan Xichen hesitated.

“Tell me what he said,” Jiang Wanyin demanded.

“He said that you were beneath me, and you’re unworthy of being loved.” Lan Xichen said slowly. “It struck me hard because it’s not true. How could you be unworthy of love when I had... loved you, so

unsuspectingly, for 16 years?”

The confession took Jiang Wanyin by surprise that he reared his head back; eyes wide and mouth parted. There was a faint thump and a soft gasp coming from inside the room behind them, but he was too shocked to care about the sounds. “Ze- Zewu-Jun?”

Now that he had spoken out his feeling out loud, Lan Xichen wondered why it took him 16 years to realise this, when it was so astoundingly clear.

Jiang Wanyin was more than just his guiding star – Lan Xichen wanted him as everything.

“Lan Wangji said you desired me for years,

is that true?” He growled deeply. “He said you couldn’t keep your eyes off me during all the nighthunts that we attended together.”

Flush of embarrassment and anger painted Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks. “Hanguang-Jun is an asshole.”

Lan Xichen blinked at the sudden curse before he threw his head back laughing. “Yes, I just recently uncovered that too,” he said with a wide smile on his face. “But did he lie?”

It took a few moments before Jiang Wanyin could spit out, “No, he didn’t,” and the redness deepened.

Lan Xichen's smile softened. He savoured the way this man made him feel. A month ago, he was drowning in sorrow for his wayward brother. Now, he felt as if the sun shone on him after days of raining.

“Can I kiss you now?” He murmured; his thumb traced the corner of the lips.

Jiang Wanyin shivered at the deep voice. He opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, the door behind him suddenly shook lightly. Then, it was followed by 3 loud knocks and a muffled, scandalised voice from inside the room.

“Not until you officially court him first!”

--

When he stormed out of the Hanshi five years ago, the self-righteous rage burned hotly in his heart; enraged by Lan Xichen’s choosing to defend Jiang Wanyin over his own brother. He had barged into Jingshi, startling Wei Wuxian; so angry that he couldn’t say a word that all Wei

Wuxian’s incessant questions of ‘why are you packing clothes’ and ‘what happened at Hanshi’ and ‘where are we going’ remained unanswered. It took a month after leaving Cloud Recesses for Lan Wangji to be able to tell what had occurred without wanting to destroy something.

“Jiang Cheng likes Zewu-Jun?” Wei Wuxian echoed. “Are you sure?”

“Mn.”

“For how long?!”

“Years. Every time I attended the sects’ nighthunts, Jiang Wanyin kept trailing his gaze wherever xiongzhang go. It’s unnerving.”

Wei Wuxian blinked in amazement before he threw his head

back laughing. Jiang Wanyin, who was blacklisted by the matchmakers for his harsh words? Liking someone gentle like Zewu-Jun? It was too comical to imagine.

Lan Wangji turned to look at him questioningly.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian said breathlessly. “Jiang Cheng has his own

requirement list of his chosen partner. While Zewu-Jun is indeed from a reputable sect and quite soft-spoken, his cultivation level is way above Jiang Cheng! Can you imagine Jiang Cheng, who has prideful and competitive nature, finding out that he couldn’t match his partner?!”

Lan Wangji curved up a small smirk.

“And- how is Zewu-Jun to cope with Jiang Cheng’s temper and sharp-tongue?” Wei Wuxian said gleefully. “I grew up with that man and even I get exasperated! Plus, would this even work? Both of them are sect leaders!” Mischief danced in his eyes.

Lan Wangji arched his eyebrows knowingly. “There’s nothing to work out. Xiongzhang gives his kindness and sympathy so easily. At most, he will only humour Jiang Wanyin.”

“Zewu-Jun is too soft-hearted for his own good sometimes,” Wei Wuxian agreed as he wiped off the residual of

hilarity tears. “But I admit, I didn’t expect him to banish us. I mean, since you did take over his position for almost seven months when he was in seclusion, I would think he’d be a bit lenient on you. You know, gratitude and all.”

Inside, Lan Wangji seethed as he was being

reminded of that night. “Xiongzhang was hurt because we eloped while he was in seclusion and me, asking permission to go out back on the road much too soon.”

“Oh- Lan Zhan, if I knew it’d bring this kind of trouble, I would never have raised the issue up. I would spend my days

playing with rabbits!”

Lan Wangji’s eyes softened. “Wei Ying wants it,” he said simply. And they went on with their lives.

The first two years he lived in false sense of happiness; just him and Wei Ying against the world who misunderstood them. There was also a deep haze of

fury at Jiang Wanyin for making Lan Xichen favouring him over his own brother. Any sign of butterfly message sent to them was harshly turned away.

Years went by as he tried to take his solace in Wei Wuxian; but it grew more difficult as he eventually realised there was a void

within him. There was something missing in this happiness – something significant and insistence.

It was only when he and Wei Wuxian ran into trouble in one of remote village had him finally realised how utterly alone he was.

He had spent all his life surrounded by his family,

having their support and love, especially Lan Xichen. Lan Wangji had always able to rely on Lan Xichen to support him in any path that he chose. Whenever he was deep in trouble, like the time when he was escaping with injured Wei Wuxian, the first person he had thought of was Lan

Xichen. He had brought Wei Wuxian back to Cloud Recesses with such certainty that Lan Xichen would always be there for him.

Now he had chosen to live without them, he finally realised the ground beneath him was gone.

And for the first time in nearly 40 years, Lan Wangji

realised just how alone he was.

He might have his partner beside him, but there was a part of Lan Wangji that belonged to his family. He was protected all his life and now that he had lost that protection and found himself constantly needing to protect Wei Wuxian in turn,

Lan Wangji realised that perhaps he had taken them for granted for too much.

Perhaps, he had been a bit arrogant and stubborn.

Still, it took him another 3 lonely, miserable years to decide that perhaps, he should kneel in front of shufu and xiongzhang, asking for forgiveness.

What was the use of holding on to pride, hoping Lan Xichen come searching for him?

The lost of his pride was significant in comparison to the gaping hole within him.

When he told Wei Wuxian of his decision to come home, it took a few, long moments for him to answer. “Yes.”

So, they flew back to Cloud Recesses. Upon arriving, the familiar white-grey mountains came into sight as he hovered on Bichen with Wei Wuxian peering over his shoulders from behind. Snow had generously covered the ground and the trees. Five years had done little to change the

scenery; something hard lodged in Lan Wangji’s throat.

He missed home.

He took out the jade token that Lan Xichen had never demanded from him when he cast him away. It was only now, Lan Wangji to realise Lan Xichen and Shufu were waiting for him to decide on his own to come

home; and when he did, the door would remain open to him.

Lan Wangji dropped down at the main courtyard, his eyes greedily took in everything. He had missed the quietness, the coldness and the serenity that always surrounded this place.

“Hanguang-Jun!” there was a loud gasp

behind him and he turned around to see one of the disciples that he used to teach. The boy – no, he was a young man now, stood tall and dignified with his eyes wide in shock. “I- I’m going to get Lan-Shifu!”

“Wait-“ Lan Wangji called. The young man halted. “If you'd tell me

where shufu is, I'd like to go to him first.”

Hanshi, the young man had told him. Lan Wangji took a deep breath; oh, it meant that he would be seeing both shufu and xiongzhang. His heart trembled and he tightened his grip on Wei Wuxian’s hand.

“It’d be okay, Lan Zhan.”

“Mn.”

The walk towards his brother’s place was both long and short as words of explanation swirled within his head. He just didn’t know whether he could voice them all out.

Suddenly, both of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s feet stopped frozen at the sound of the unlikeliest person rang

loudly from Hanshi’s front yard.

“Huan-ge! Don’t you dare throw that foul thing at me!” Followed by laughter.

“How is it you could be knee-deep in mud but a bit of snow disgust you?”

"Mud is cleansing, while snow causes frostbite!"

"You know I could warm you up later!"

From where Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian were standing, they stared with their eyes wide open, standing absolutely flabbergasted, at the sight of Lan Xichen in his usual blue and white robes with a handful of snow in his hand, playfully chasing after *Jiang Wanyin*. Jiang Wanyin was

laughing with his mouth stretched wide, cheeks flushed deeply and strayed wisps of hair curled to frame the heart-shaped face and there was a with distinctive *white ribbon* tied around his ponytail.

Lan Wangji’s mouth dropped at the meaning of it all.

There, sitting on a low table was Lan Qiren, smiling with bursting happiness, as he simply watch Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin played around as if they were both still a couple of young children – abandoned and carefree.

And within the cradle of Lan Qiren’s arms, there was a

one-year-old baby, who was giggling after the two playful adults.

The rock in his throat grew bigger and harder to swallow. Lan Wangji had spent five years wallowing in his deep, unfathomable void, while Lan Xichen was elated in his own happiness. To make the matter worse, the

happiness that his xiongzhang found was with the person whom he and Wei Wuxian were so sure Lan Xichen would never look twice.

Gone with perpetual rage and grief, Jiang Wanyin looked so unearthly happy.

Married to Lan Xichen.

How was this even possible?

--

“Xiongzhang,” Lan Wangji said.

Just one word, the happy atmosphere immediately dissipated. Lan Xichen stood still, snow melting in his hand as he stared at the newcomers at the edge of Hanshi’s front yard. Lan Qiren had stood up, his dark eyes were hard and cold. The smile on

Jiang Wanyin’s face disappeared so quickly that the previous laughter that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian heard a few seconds ago might have only been an imagination. Quickly, he retreated towards Lan Qiren, who was gently hushing as the distress visible on the baby’s face.

“A-Cheng,” Lan Qiren said gently. “Take A-Ju, please.”

“Yes, fuqin.” Jiang Wanyin asnwered as A-Ju quickly latched on his father and hid his face underneath Jiang Wanyin’s head.

Lan Wangji’s eyes narrowed when he heard Jiang Wanyin calling his own shufu as fuqin. The hurt that

was growing the moment he realised Jiang Wanyin was thriving while he was choking under the weight of loneliness intensified. Jiang Wanyin had tightened his grip on the family that Lan Wangji had lost.

Jiang Wanyin didn’t meet his eyes, nor was he even looking at Wei Ying and

it stoke the raging fire within him. The five-year worth of pent-up hatred made his tongue loose. “I wasn’t aware that you were married,” He gritted out.

“Since none of my butterfly messages was accepted, I assumed you didn’t care nor want to come to my wedding.” Lan Xichen said

mildly. If anyone were to ask Lan Xichen 4 years ago, he would say he was incredibly hurt over his younger brother’s rejection of his messages. But now, his heart that was previously apathetic and hollow was gradually being filled by the happiness Jiang Wanyin brought with him.

“You could have tried harder.”

“Tell me how, Hanguang-Jun?” Lan Xichen arched his eyebrows. “You were without fixed address for me to send normal missives. On the other hand, you could have *sent* me letter, but instead, you prefer to remain silent in your animosity.”

Lan Wangji’s jaw rippled. He had planned to ask for shufu and xiongzhang’s forgiveness but he hadn’t accounted seeing Jiang Wanyin there – five years went by and his hatred for this man hadn’t lessened even one bit.

“Ah, Zewu-Jun, don’t be too hard on Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian said

with a grin, trying to enlighten the situation. “We spent most of our time travelling and helping people with their problems. You mustn’t blame Lan Zhan for not reaching out.”

Lan Xichen shifted his icy golden eyes toward the small man. “And what do you think we do here?

Twiddling with out thumbs? Stamping on reports? Looking pretty on the dais?”

Wei Wuxian was visibly taken aback by Lan Xichen’s sarcastic words, sounding eerily like Jiang Cheng. He stole a glance at Jiang Wanyin and swallowed hard when he saw the absence of bitter rage between

the slanted eyebrows. Jiang Wanyin was calmly bouncing his baby while content to be a bystander.

It was then he realised how much Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin balancing off each other’s weaknesses and learning to grow to be better. Lan Xichen offered the calmness and patience

that Jiang Wanyin had always lacked and Jiang Wanyin gave Lan Xichen the needed, sharp-edge weapon in the form of words, to prevent people taking advantage of his innate kindness.

For the one, horrible moment, Wei Wuxian wondered whether he and Lan Wangji ever had that – the

even give and take between them? The balancing of one’s weaknesses with one’s strengths? Would he even notice if they didn’t have it?

Or were they just moving through the motions?

“Zewu-Jun, don’t speak to Wei Ying like that,” Lan Wangji instantly defended him.

“Don’t you remember, Hanguang-Jun? I recalled you speak ill of my husband too.”

“Speaking of your husband,” Lan Wangji spat out the word. “I am surprised that you married him. Did my words about him spur you to rush to him? Were you pitying him when you asked him to marry you?”

Jiang Wanyin visibly flinched. Lan Qiren’s mouth fell open in shock.

And Lan Xichen’s whole body tensed.

It had taken him months of persistent courtship to finally make Jiang Wanyin believe that his feelings for him were genuine and not because of some residual mixture of guilt

or pity or worse, distraction for personal trauma. Lan Xichen remembered all the fights he fought, wrestling down the demons within Jiang Wanyin’s head, whose belief that he wasn’t meant for an everlasting love or a happy ending, was so entrenched within him.

There were moments

of verbal arguments between them, misunderstanding upon misunderstanding and nights of frustration spent apart; all of which still saw Lan Xichen steadfastly holding on and Jiang Wanyin bravely attempting the unknown. There were incidents of insecurity, second thoughts and public

scorns. Whenever they thought that this couldn’t work; that perhaps they were vastly different to be together, one look at Jiang Wanyin’s vulnerable face and Lan Xichen’s miserable posture, they resolved to try again, because despite it all, they loved more than they feared.

Lan Wangji dared cheapened it by thinking Lan Xichen was pitying Jiang Wanyin?

“You are always so sure with your one-sided supposition,” Lan Xichen bit out. “I thought 5 years were enough for you to reflect. What a fool I am, thinking it is possible when 16 years had failed.”

“Ahaha- don’t say like that, Zewu-Jun…” Wei Wuxian said nervously. He knew Lan Zhan came here intending to apologise to Zewu-Jun and Lan Qiren and hadn’t it for the fact Jiang Cheng was here, he was on his knees already.

“I only say it as I see it,” Lan Wangji said bluntly;

still stubborn. “In fact-“

The rest of the words were muffled behind his closed mouth as his lips were glued together.

“Mmmh? Mmmh??” Lan Wangji’s eyes were wide with indignant and surprise.

Wei Wuxian inhaled sharply because he never thought anybody would dare to use

silencing spell on his husband at all. “Zewu-Jun, what are you doing!?” He cried. “Undo the spell!”

Lan Xichen looked equally surprise as Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. “I didn’t do it.” He defended himself.

If it wasn’t Zewu-Jun, then- “Lan-shifu!” Wei Wuxian turned to Lan Qiren,

whose face darkened like rumbling thunder at the eve of a storm. Beside him, Lan Wangji raised his hands to his mouth, still struggling to undo the spell; it was unnerving to see his husband being inflicted with his own favourite spell.

“Lan-shifu, please undo the spell!”

Lan Qiren narrowed his eyes. “As much I relished the thought of using Wangji’s favourite spell against himself; just to teach him a lesson, the spell wasn’t my doing either.”

“Then, who-“ Wei Wuxian started.

“It was me.” A deep and gruff voice declared from behind Lan Qiren.

Wei Wuxian’s eyes went comically wide as he stared with utter disbelief at Jiang Wanyin, who stood tall and haughty; his amethyst eyes glittered in simmering rage.

“Jiang Cheng…?”

“You were to call me, Sect Leader Jiang, Wei-xiansheng,” Jiang Wanyin retorted.

“How do you know-“

“Of course I know the silencing spell,” Jiang Wanyin scoffed. “Am I not the spouse of Sect Leader Lan of Gusu? Why is it a surprise that I know my husband’s cultivation arts? He knew mine.”

Lan Wangji stared dumbfoundedly at Jiang Wanyin. He recalled all

those years ago when he often used the silencing spell to discipline Jin Ling in front of his own disciples. Who would have thought the table turned and now it was his turn to be silenced by Jiang Wanyin.

Humiliation burned him.

Jiang Wanyin turned away from Wei Wuxian and

glared at Lan Wangji. “I won’t tolerate any more demeaning words directed to me, especially if they were uttered by you. I am not the person five years ago, who still searching for phantom of love in unyielding places. I am now loved and cherished. I know my worth now.”

Lan Xichen blinked at his husband, feeling red-hot desire rushed down to his groin at the sight of Jiang Wanyin curtly and sharply dismissing Lan Wangji while holding their baby tenderly. The contrast was too much for his already fragile control whenever it came to his husband.

Oblivious of Lan Xichen’s hot gaze upon him, Jiang Wanyin continued with his leader voice. “Contemplate your erred way in silence for three incense sticks, Hanguang-Jun.” Then, he twirled around dramatically and walked into the Hanshi.

Oh heavens- Lan Xichen thought dazedly.

--

Wei Wuxian was the first the break the silence. “Jiang Cheng-“ He halted when he saw Lan Qiren glared at him. “*Sect Leader Jiang*-” he corrected himself hastily. “-seems different.”

“Different how?” Lan Qiren raised his eyebrows.

“Um-" He tried again. "-calmer, I guess."

“When one is secured in his family’s affection, one tends to be like that,” Lan Qiren stated. “A-Cheng knows he can trust us. It took years to tame the demons that his family created but I’d like to think that this is the real A-Cheng if the circumstances weren’t so against him.”

Wei Wuxian wasn't stupid. He knew Lan Qiren was referring some of it to him. So, he did what he did best, which was pivoting it away from him. “Where did you adopt the baby?” He knew a baby topic was hard to resist.

Lan Xichen smirked. “Adopted? Didn’t you see his violet eyes?”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes bulged out. “Jiang Cheng actually got a woman pregnant?! He was such a prude!”

“Why would he need to, when he could do it all by himself.” The pride was clearly in Lan Xichen’s voice.

Lan Wangji snapped his head up and Wei Wuxian practically yelped, “He WHAT?”

“Apparently, when Wen Qing did the core transplant, she had to do massive qi transferral to the recipient-“

Wei Wuxian knew THAT. He was awake the whole three days of the hellish experience and he never wanted to be reminded of that.

“-and now, Jiang Wanyin’s core has an

excess abundant of yin energy that allows something akin to pregnancy. We were out of our wits when we first discovered it; none of any Yunmeng Jiang Sect, Gusu Lan Sect or Lanling Jin Sect had any scroll to explain this, so Jiang Wanyin reached out to Qinghe Nie Sect."

“T-that’s not possible…” Wei Wuxian stammered, because baby required a womb, and- and *stuffs*. “Even if Jiang Cheng had the needed yin energy-"

“A-Ju is a spiritual child, Wei Wuxian,” Lan Qiren cut in impatiently. “He has both of Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin’s qi and was

sustained during pregnancy with the help of an array we found in the scroll.” A soft smile appeared on his face in contemplation. “Yunmeng Jiang Sect always talked about attempting the impossible; by heavens, this, is indisputably the pinnacle of impossibility.”

Lan Xichen nodded his head as he smiled fondly. “Wanyin also allows me to name our first child.“

*First* child?! Wei Wuxian thought dazedly – Jiang Cheng could have second one? And- and this wasn’t an aberration? There was a bitter taste in his mouth.

The truth was, Jiang

didn't only give him a miracle child. Lan Xichen was forced to confront one of his biggest shames - facing Nie Huaisang once again. During his seclusion, Lan Xichen spent a lot of time reflecting of all the things that he had missed. Had Jin Guangyao ever been truthful to him?

Had he ever felt the slightest feeling of loyalty and love towards him? If Lan Xichen were less blinded by his belief of universal kindness, would Da-ge still be alive? And as for Nie Huaisang… oh heavens, how must he had suffered, carrying the truth of Da-ge’s death and unable

to tell it to the world because he knew the his er-ge was a useless man? Nie Huaisang was the Da-ge’s most precious person and Lan Xichen did nothing to protect and help and *believe* in him.

He hadn’t wanted to face Nie Huaisang. The shame and grief were too unbearable.

But when he couldn’t find information to help Jiang Wanyin, he knew this was fate telling him that his time of hide-and-run was over.

“Er-ge,” Nie Huaisang had greeted him that day. Ever so gracious, despite everything.

A part of Lan Xichen wanted to take the easy way and kept

pretending, but one look at Nie Huaisang's feature, he was reminded of all the pestering Da-ge did to his younger brother because he might not be there forever. He remembered Da-ge’s silent request for Lan Xichen to watch over Nie Huaisang should he succumb to qi-deviation.

Lan Xichen looked at Nie Huaisang, but he heard Da-ge’s voice. Sorrow welled up so quickly. “Am I still worthy to be your er-ge, Huaisang?” He said hoarsely.

Nie Huaisang’s pleasant mask cracked slightly. He quickly regained his composure. "Why would you say that? Of course I-”

“In my seclusion, I had wondered why I wasn’t in your revenge list,” Lan Xichen interrupted. Nie Huaisang’s smile dropped as well as the fan in his hand. “I was equally guilty for my part of Da-ge’s death, wasn’t I?”

“Zewu-Jun-”

“I taught Jin Guangyao the song while it should

have been my responsibility to assist. I kept blind eyes and deaf ears to the point you felt you couldn’t come to me; not without me insisting that Jin Guangyao was a misunderstood person. I should've known that when Da-ge was getting worse instead of better something was wrong.”

Nie Huaisang went quiet with all his pretence was gone. The mask of sect leader was now replaced by the true face of a grieving brother. The silence encased the room as the elephant was finally addressed.

“Wanyin told me that my kindness and the tendency to look for goodness are

not weaknesses, but when I remembered Jin Guangyao, I don’t know if I could believe his words. In my drive to elevate Jin Guangyao from his wretched past, I had caused Da-ge his life. I had taken Da-ge from you.”

Lan Xichen whispered, “I wanted to say sorry for so long, but I-

I just don’t know if my apology would mean anything to you.”

Tears pooled in Nie Huaisang’s eyes and his grip on the fan was crushing. He stared into Lan Xichen’s amber eyes; wet and red too. He said; choked in overwhelming grief. “I- I used to hate you-“

Lan Xichen flinched.

“I used to tell myself that if you'd been the one to play the guqin, like you should, Da-ge wouldn’t have such a morbid ending. That was why I tricked you into killing Jin Guangyao. I want you to feel the same hopelessness and regret that I had felt for ten years!”

Nie Huaisang’s chest heaved harshly before he eventually looked away. “While Jin Guangyao got what was coming for him, it didn’t lessen my grief when I did that to you. You were also being used by Jin Guangyao; a victim like everybody else and I just added to your misery.”

“Zewu-Jun,” Nie Huaisang said hesitatingly. “I wanted to say sorry too, for a long time. But I also didn’t know if you would want accept it.”

Lan Xichen never expected Nie Huaisang to say this. He had never thought about it either. But now, Nie Huaisang had talked about it, Lan

Xichen realised that perhaps, in the deepest corner of his heart, he did feel a bit of bitter for being used by Nie Huaisang too. However, now Nie Huaisang was regretting and it made the burden in his heart become lighter.

The softest smile appeared on Lan Xichen’s face.

“A-Sang, I will accept your apology, if only you would accept mine first.”

Nie Huaisang’s eyes widened and Lan Xichen was sure that this was the most honest Nie Huaisang had ever been since Da-ge died. This was the first glimpse, in years, of Nie Huaisang that Da-ge had tried so

hard to protect all his life. Bittersweet feeling bloomed within Lan Xichen’s heart. The urge to care for Nie Huaisang, even if he had been his own formidable sect leader himself, strengthened.

Lan Xichen couldn’t ask for Nie Mingjue’s forgiveness, but at least, he could protect

the one Da-ge had loved the most.

“Zewu-Jun- Er-ge…” Nie Huaisang stammered. “Of course, I would.”

Lan Xichen pulled himself away from the memory as he looked at Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji; traces of previous anger disappeared at the thought of all the forgiveness that he had

given and received. Jiang Wanyin was right there with him all the way; in every stage of grieving and accepting.

“Wei Wuxian, for someone to be able to move on from the past, one cannot keep running away or secluding oneself, hoping people would forget about it. Some wounds last

a lifetime. If we were lucky, they mourn and move on, and if we weren’t, their rage would seek retribution and the cycle will never end.”

“For five years, I’ve been trying to redeem myself and my self. I reconcile with Nie Huaisang and I’m still making amend to the people whom

Jin Guangyao had hurt. I reached out to Moling Su Clan of Gusu to repair the broken alliance. I tried to listen better, to learn to say no and to be a bit wiser in my benevolence. Some days I succeeded and some days Wanyin has pulled me back up for a longer moment of reflection.”

Lan Xichen sighed. “Who’s wrong and who’s right? What was the root cause of the tragedies? These are things that we may never know the answer; the moral ethe had never seemed so grey as they were before. But it didn’t absolve us from our own doings; from the fact that there were

people who had died and suffered directly because of us. All we can do now is to make amend to those people we hurt and hope they would find it in them to forgive us.”

The silencing spell ended, but Lan Wangji couldn’t find the words to say anything. At this moment, Lan Xichen

looked so world-weary and yet still so hopeful for the future. There was something so very wise in his face, the change moulded for the years they had spent apart.

Lan Wangji’s heart ached painfully at the realisation for the years he had wasted. He could've been here, sharing

his life with Lan Xichen, celebrating each milestone of recovery. Lan Wangji could've seen all the moments in Lan Xichen's life but instead, it was Jiang Wanyin did it.

Jiang Wanyin had been Lan Xichen’s muse and happiness, while Lan Wangji had sulked in his perceived wrongness.

Five. Years.

He had been prideful. Stubborn.

And very, very spoiled.

Lan Wangji gently dropped to his knees. “Sect Leader, please allow me and Wei Wuxian to return to Cloud Recesses. Grant us your pardon for our previous insolence and wrongdoings.”

Lan Xichen inhaled sharply

before softly said, “Wangji, I would allow—”

“With proper punishment, of course,” Lan Qiren interrupted sternly. “And a formal apology, written or verbal, to Sect Leader Jiang.”

“Shufu,” Lan Wangji started.

“Jiang Wanyin had been the recipient of your bullying. I think your

punishment is light considering the years you’ve spent disrespecting him,” Lan Qiren remained unmoved.

Lan Wangji’s jaw rippled as he gritted his teeth hard. He swallowed hard as he clasped his hands forward and bowed. “Yes, shufu.” Wei Wuxian bowed low as well.

Satisfied that he had gotten his way, Lan Qiren smiled. “Then, do you want to meet A-Ju?”

“Yes, of course!” Wei Wuxian said quickly and Lan Wangji nodded his head. “What’s his full name?”

“Lan Mingjue,” Lan Xichen said proudly. He laughed when he heard shocked gasps.

“A-Sang is his godfather. A-Ju is spoiled terribly with a godfather like Nie Huaisang. You need to see the baby crib A-Sang comission for A-Ju. Shufu, too, is too indulging." Lan Xichen teased.

"Well, thank heavens for Jiang Wanyin to scold us all!” Lan Qiren said.

--

It took one month for Wei Wuxian to understand the schedule that both sect leaders adopted. They spent every two weeks alternately in Gusu and in Yunmeng. They travelled light and fast, suggesting they had everything they needed in both locations. Lan Xichen had his home in Lotus

Pier and Jiang Wanyin also had his made home here, judging by the dashes of purple colours all over the usual blue and white Cloud Recesses.

The first time Wei Wuxian saw the lilac banners hang behind the usual white and blue tapestry, he was so surprised. Lan Zhan, too, because

the usual stoic man was stunned too. And perhaps a bit annoyed too?

Eventually he realised Jiang Wanyin’s presence could be seen *everywhere* in Cloud Recesses.

There were now tall lavender and hyacinth flowers amongst blue gentians. There were purple ribbon on Zewu-Jun’s hair

and purple tassel hang on his waist. Old man Lan once wore pale lilac inner robe, that strangely matched the pale blue outer robe that he often preferred. Wei Wuxian had also come across small items strewn all over the space: brushes with purple handles, deep violet vases and

porcelains, and purple and blue ombre screens and cushions.

He wondered whether would he find traces of blue and white everywhere too if he went to Lotus Pier? Intermingling intimately and inseparably with the permeating purple and lotuses? Just like the men themselves?

For the last five years living on the road with Lan Zhan, Wei Wuxian was content with his life. He felt that he had everything he ever wanted: a spouse who loved him to utter distraction. They had never needed anyone.

Until one day.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” The

sound of Lan Xichen’s deep voice got Wei Wuxian to stop in his tracks. There, under the falling leaves of cherry blossom, sat Jiang Wanyin with A-Ju laid asleep in his father’s arms. Spread in front of them was the half-eaten food.

At the sound of his husband’s voice, Jiang

Wanyin raised his head up and the usual stern lines on his mouth softened into a sweet smile. “Huan-ge..”

Wei Wuxian could never get over that expression on Jiang Cheng’s face. He never knew Jiang Cheng could look that *happy*.

Lan Xichen knelt beside him to press lingering

kiss on his head. “I missed you in Hanshi.” Lan Xichen murmured.

Jiang Wanyin chuckled. “A-Ju was restless. And I don’t want to bother fuqin. He had been taking care of A-Ju too much recently with the me being busy at Lotus Pier for the past week handling the disciple problems.”

“You do know shufu is ecstatic each time you came to him for assistance, right?”

“But it doesn’t mean I should take advantage of his kindness.” Jiang Wanyin protested.

“Wanyin, sometimes I think shufu loves you more than his nephews.” Lan Xichen teased. “I still remember the

first time you called him fuqin. I swear I saw tears in his eyes.”

Jiang Wanyin looked down, abashed but the small smile on his face told Wei Wuxian just how much old man Lan meant to him.

Wei Wuxian couldn’t relate though; Lan Qiren hated him ever since he was a student here

and until now, his presence was merely tolerated because he was married to Lan Wangji. He didn’t understand how Jiang Cheng could call Lan Qiren ‘fuqin’ and easily replace his own father.

Wasn’t that unfilial?

Wei Wuxian'd always cared for Jiang Fengmian. He was his benefactor

and had loved him when he was left abandoned in the street. Wei Wuxian owed him an immeasurable debt, which was what spurred him to give his core to Jiang Cheng in the first place.

This wasn’t the first time he wondered how Jiang Cheng turned out so different than his gentle,

smiling father. Perhaps that was why he could along so well with Lan Qiren, considering he was too similar to him – stern, anal-retentive and so hard to please.

“Have you eaten, Huan-ge?” Jiang Wanyin asked, pulling Wei Wuxian from his musing. “I thought you would be too busy

with your affairs, so I took an early lunch with A-Ju. If I knew, we would've waited for you.”

“It’s okay, I’ll have some later.” Lan Xichen lie down across the blanket to put his head in Wanyin’s lap. “Put A-Ju down, my heart,” he coaxed. “Come and tend your needy husband.”

Jiang Wanyin rolled his eyes, but still gently put the sleeping A-Ju in his bassinet. Then, he re-arranged himself so Lan Xichen could rest more comfortably in his lap.

Lan Xichen looked up. He raised his hand to caress Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks and lips. “You look tired. Is the

situation at Lotus Pier that serious?”

“I’m okay,” Jiang Wanyin insisted. “This is nothing compared to when I was just starting to rebuild the Lotus Pier. Back then, I persisted even though half the time I felt I was drowning, especially when with my sect’s ruined reputation and

weak foundation from having a leader too young and a head disciple too unruly.” Wei Wuxian blinked – Jiang Cheng felt like that? Drowning? Why hadn’t he seen it back then?

Jiang Cheng sighed. “Not to mention that horrible period after A-Jie died; I swore the reason I kept

dragging on was just to spit those sects who looked down on Lotus Pier. ”

“And to see Jin Ling grow up too, right?” Lan Xichen teased. “Because I would shudder to think that my husband is made up entirely out of spite.”

“I *was* made up of spite. But you had loved me anyway.”

“I still do, my heart. I don’t think I can stop.” Lan Xichen grinned when he saw the faint flushes painted on Jiang Cheng’s cheeks.

“Sap.” Jiang Cheng grumbled.

The ease of this conversation showed the depth of trust Jiang Cheng had for Lan Xichen. Nothing was hidden between

them; there were no lies and no secrets lingered – unlike the relationship Wei Wuxian had with Jiang Cheng. Despite him claiming that he knew Jiang Cheng the best because he grew up with him, Wei Wuxian couldn’t imagine having this kind of conversation with Jiang Cheng.

If Jiang Cheng had trusted him a bit more, would he go to Lotus Pier alone to retrieve his parents’ bodies? If Jiang Cheng had told him of his foolish plan, Wei Wuxian would have stopped him and he wouldn’t have needed to give his core to Jiang Cheng.

Making rash, reckless

decision was Wei Wuxian’s forte; he still didn’t understand what spurred Jiang Cheng to go back to Lotus Pier that night.

But Jiang Cheng did. And he lost his core. And Wei Wuxian had to be the one saving him by giving up his core. After all that, Jiang Cheng still got angry

with him. What was a bit of little white lie compared to the fact that Wei Wuxian had saved him life and gave him the needed tool to restore his sect?

Five years had passed and Wei Wuxian still a bit peeved of Jiang Cheng’s self-righteous rage.

Wei Wuxian’s internal monologue

halted when he heard Jiang Cheng’s laughter. He looked up and saw Jiang Cheng bend his head low to press a fond kiss on Lan Xichen’s forehead. Lan Xichen took the advantage to redirect the kiss to his own lips as he strained his neck upwards. But there was nothing lewd in that

kiss; it was simply an act between a pair of cultivation partner who shared unfathomable depth of affection to each other.

The scenery in front of him was so intimate that Wei Wuxian almost felt like an intruder.

“It’s hard for me to recall how it had felt before all this. Now

that I have you and fuqin, I don’t know how I got by all by myself all those years ago. Both of you give me a family I’d never knew. I know I can always turn to both of you if I ever needed anything.” Jiang Wanyin ran his fingers reverently along the white ribbon that had spilled

forwards over his own shoulder.

“After years being adrift, I’d never thought I would ever have this kind of security.”

“You’re mine, Wanyin, and I keep what is mine very close me.”

“A bit too close, sometimes,” Jiang Wanyin arched his eyebrows.

“But often not close enough,”

Lan Xichen growled as he flipped Jiang Wanyin onto his back and loomed over him. Whatever protest Jiang Wanyin wanted to say was muffled by Lan Xichen as the taller man resumed their kiss while A-Ju lie sleeping obliviously in his bassinet.

Wei Wuxian slinked away, heart aching.

He had thought he had everything he wanted – Lan Zhan and wide expanse of land for them to travel together. Only now he understood why Lan Zhan wanted to come to Cloud Recesses.

A bird was only the freest if it had a nest to come back to.

No matter how far Wei Wuxian ran away,

or how fast he moved, or with whom he travelled, in the deepest part of his heart, he would always yearn for a family, a home and the security that came with it.

Lan Zhan came back looking for his family. He came back for the root that grounded him; the safety net to catch him

whenever he was too exhausted.

Deep down, Wei Wuxian wanted that too.

He wanted his childhood home – the security that was Jiang Cheng; who, unlike Lan Zhan, had no qualm to call out his bullshit, his arrogance and his reckless plans. They might harbour lies and secrets from

each other but Jiang Cheng– ..Wei Wuxian pushed down the throbbing ache in his heart – was his childhood home and his first taste of security.

All their lives, Jiang Cheng had never left him alone or let him go.

Not until he had made Jin Ling an orphan in the matter of days.

Not until he had forced him a core that he hadn’t consented.

Not until he had said to leave everything in the past after Jiang Cheng had poured his heart out to him.

Looking back, Wei Wuxian morosely wondered if Jiang Cheng would ever want him in his life ever again?

If Wei Wuxian were in Jiang Cheng’s shoes… he didn’t think he could. Not when he already had everything he wanted – a devoted spouse, a loving father-in-law, a miraculous son and a salvaged friendship with Nie Huaisang.

Jiang Cheng had a home. Wei Wuxian didn’t.

He knew the past was already deeply buried in the past and there was nothing Wei Wuxian could do to change it anymore. He had buried their brotherhood when he walked away that night at Guanyin Temple.

Perhaps all chances of reconciliation were already gone.

--

The End.

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