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Mr. Newberger Profile picture
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5 Jun, 4 tweets, 1 min read
I’m at a...... mall.
Forever 21 has a busted air conditioner and my daughter has about 8 items to try on. I am like one of those suffocating Mars people in Total Recall when the oxygen gets turned off.
Hollister has a deal, buy one way overpriced item, get one item for slightly less than that. Oh joy.
That Exit sign is my thought bubble.

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More from @jeremynewberger

Mr. Newberger Profile picture
6 Jun
SEAN SPICER: The former President did not pee or poo himself last night. His pants were stylishly wrinkled and his lower gut is not a fupa. He looked dry, handsome, and stylish. PERIOD!
MARK MEADOWS: We are strongly investigating a credible plot, by Italy, to give President Trump a pair of pants with the front in the back and the back in the front, as a way to thwart his chances of reelection. Fashion terrorism. We believe we have key evidence.
KAYLEIGH MCENANY: If you notice, the media will photograph the Bidens out on their bicycles, but President Trump models new and exciting pants, that retain rain water, which is good for the environment, the left pretends to care so much about, and they immediately go negative.
Read 12 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
4 Mar
And now an MTG musical number.
MARJORIE:
They think that a gal, who thinks differently,
Can’t get things done, but I’m insistent see.
Tho, I may not sit on any committee.
I’m still allowed in, I've got an ID,
So QAnon gals, like me on TV,
Get tons of attention, and all for free!
CHORUS:
Let’s all go and adjourn,
Nancy’s buns start to burn.
Obstruct and annoy,
Gum the works, boy oh boy!
How much time on Fox News can I earn?
MARJORIE:
To think I used to be an activist,
Chasing school shooting victims, how they were pissed.
And all the big tragedies I dismissed,
Lasers fired by Galactic Globalists.
I’m an elected insurrectionist,
And my support in the House is polyamorous.
Read 7 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
18 Feb
There once was a Senator named Ted,
He left his poor Texas for dead.
He abandoned his rubes,
Put the kids in some tubes,
And tanned his man boobs instead.
There once was a man in Cancun,
His vacation, a wee bit too soon,
While his state boils tap water,
He puts in a room service order,
And now shamefully hides in his room.
There once was man from Texas,
Who went on Twitter to cure his erections,
After inciting a riot,
He vacationed real quiet,
And is off planning his next insurrections.
Read 4 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
4 Feb
Hey @RepMTG this is after American Airlines Flight 77 hit the Pentagon on 9/11. 184 people killed. The only thing so called about it is your expertise.
And these sweet faces are the faces of actual victims of a terrible school shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School. Not staged. Not fake. Carried out by someone who should never have had a gun. May their memories be a blessing forever and always.
And these beautiful faces are the victims of the
Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, FL. Also not fake. Not staged. These young people are not actors. They are losses that grieving families will never get back. You have given those families more pain.
Read 5 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
21 Nov 20
Here is the list of cowards in the US Senate who refuse to comment on Trump's attempts to steal the election and harm our Democracy. Their silence speaks volumes.
@senatemajldr
@SenJohnThune
@SenJohnBarrasso
@RoyBlunt
@SenJoniErnst
@SenToddYoung
@SenAlexander
@MarshaBlackburn
@JohnBoozman
@SenatorBraun
@SenatorBurr
@SenCapito
@SenBillCassidy
@SenatorCollins
@JohnCornyn
@SenTomCotton
@MikeCrapo
@SenKevinCramer
@SenTedCruz
@SteveDaines
@SenatorEnzi
@SenatorFischer
@SenCoryGardner
@LindseyGrahamSC
@ChuckGrassley
@HawleyMO
@SenJohnHoeven
@SenHydeSmith
@JimInhofe
@SenRonJohnson
@SenJohnKennedy
@SenatorLankford
@SenMikeLee
@KLoeffler
@SenMcSallyAZ
@JerryMoran
@lisamurkowski
@RandPaul
@Perduesenate
@senrobportman
Read 9 tweets
Mr. Newberger Profile picture
21 Aug 20
Next week...

SCOTT BAIO: I‘m someone who knows about Happy Days. Pause for laugh. Oh I wasn’t supposed to read that. Let me start over. I’m someone who knows...

TRUMP: Thank you Fabio. Great kid. I taught him how to act. So Sleepy Joe bombed his schpeesh last week. What a mesh!
TRUMP: I want to bring out the First Lady. Everyone loves the First Lady. Isn’t she great? Come on out Melania. The best thing about her is how handsome she thinks I am. Ask her. If there were people in here you could ask her. Melania come out. Dan, would you get her out here?
TRUMP: Now I want you to meet a great guy, Herman Cain!
BEN CARSON: Hi Don. Thanks for inviting me. I have very good news about the vaccine I developed for COVID while doing the HUD. Me and the MyPillow guy tested it on many of the animals on my backyard ark and it worked twice.
Read 5 tweets

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