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Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

10 Jul, 10 tweets, 3 min read

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford announces Ontario to move to Step 3 five days early. Says now that Karla, Kiki, Klondike, Keto, Ketchup and Kacophony "have had their hairs and nails done they're ready to eat at a restaurant!"
2. #CancelDougFord

3. Stephen Lecce unveils back-to-school plan. Says three-prong approach of Gratitude, Appreciation, and Ongoing Consultation will keep kids safe with an historic investment of forty-eleven billion dollars.
4. Ford gives millions to private LTCs. Includes commemorative iron ring.

5. Erin O'Toole says he's got Alberta's back. Which means he's not at all sure Alberta's got his now.
6. Pierre Poilievre says socialism and Nazism are the same. Also announces plastics are the future. Pundits unsure whether Poilievre's reelection platform based in 1933 or 1968.

7. Kenney appoints rural MLA Ron Orr as Minister of Culture and Status of Women. Kenney says Orr's lack of experience with culture and women will bring a fresh new perspective to the files.
8. Kenney says Stampede opening is the turning point for Alberta's economy. No, seriously.

9. Erin O'Toole still down in the polls but the CPC gaining traction with the PPC.
10. O'Toole says Trudeau needs to work with provinces and that pipeline, those transit systems and all the childcare stuff are distractions from Trudeau's failure to supply pancake mix at Stampede.

11. Trudeau says if Jason Kenney doesn't like the Transfer Agreement he should speak to Jason Kenney, because Jason Kenney crafted the agreement. Kenney admitted to Alberta burn unit moments later.
12. Trudeau and Kenney elbow bump at Green Line announcement. Socialism ensues.

13. After expanding his cabinet Jason Kenney announces province is broke so nurses to take a pay cut. That's it. That's the funny part.
14. Study shows Alberta nurses report not feeling the #BestSummerEver vibe yet.
15. Calgary Stampede creates hundreds of new jobs for two weeks.

16. Stephen Lecce says now that more than half of Ontario vaxxed kids in Grade 6 and up should be fine in September.
17. Doug Ford announces he'll soon visit places in Ontario other than Muskoka, North Bay and Brampton. No, he didn't. I'm just messin with ya.
18. #CancelDougFord

19. Jody Wilson-Raybould says she will not seek reelection. Says she's "not leaving politics to be with family" because she secretly recorded them all and they aren't speaking to her anymore.
20. Brett Wilson says BC fires not a result of climate change but Trudeau's canoeing.

21. Short list this week. I'm officially on vacation as of now. Spending the week working through this lockdown-induced social anxiety of mine. You know. Chat some with Jeff the Chipmunk. Howl at the moon some. Sew some new patches on my leadership jacket.

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More from @mynamesnotgordy

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

4 Jul

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Gulf of Mexico catches fire. Three boats dispatched to contain burning slick. Conservatives say it's a great example of O&G creating 3 new shipping jobs.
2. O'Toole says Canada has two Parties. Conservatives and the other 79% of Canada.

3. Doug Ford announces province contributing $16M to build arena and library in his cottage community. Says liberry will offer free wiffee if you know the correct URL number.
4. Stephen Lecce celebrates Canada Day by tweeting photos of Lecce giving people photos of Stephen Lecce.

5. Lecce says return to class in fall will be safe since most people will have two doses. That's it. That's the funny part. That's his plan.
6. Ford says "No one wants businesses open more than me!" Even more than business owners going broke. Doug suffers for us all. In Muskoka.

Read 11 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

26 Jun

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. After cancelling Scarborough's transit build twice in ten years, Doug Ford puts shovel to ground this week. Says if he loses 2022 election he will cancel this plan too though.
2. Handle falls off Doug Ford's ceremonial gold shovel.

3. Stephen Lecce says with most Ontarians fully vaccinated by September his redoubled layers of safety at schools should probably work this time.
4. Ontario's Chief Medical Officer Dr David Williams retired Thursday. ON's pandemic response measures finally became clear on Friday.

5. Experts recommend those receiving AZ first dose get Pfizer or Moderna second dose. Doug Ford receives second dose of AZ this week at photo opp. That's it. That's the funny part.
6. Doug Ford flexes bicep for vaccine photo opp. Appears in Toronto Sun next day as Sunshine Girl.

Read 14 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

19 Jun

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford announces Ontario pandemic response command table consulting with world-renowned pandemic experts Karla, Krista, Kyla, Kayla and Kara.
2. Rod Phillips appointed to LTC file. Announces LTC's will be closed over Christmas break.

3. Stephen Lecce demonstrates how large classes can be safe by redoubling layers of Photoshopped photos of students in fake Zoom classroom.
4. Lecce and MacLeod tweet thanks to Doug Ford for the honour of not being fired because people doing well in their jobs do that.

5. Christine Elliott stays on as Health Minister. Ford says now that pandemic is mostly under control she's totally qualified to run things.
6. Merrilee Fullerton moved to Children, Women and Social Services file after Ford decides Todd Smith wasn't ignoring file hard enough.

Read 13 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

6 Jun

What I learnt on the Twitter while trying to ignore it the last few weeks:

1. In Ontario, from the mouths of babes comes official government strategy
2. In Alberta, drinking cheap booze is a sign of taking personal responsibility
3. In Manitoba it's best to arrive stylishly late

4. Dr Hinshaw can't be sure about proximities in a photo unless she's there in the photo.
5. Dr Williams has decided to retire, now that Doug's neighbour's kids Bert and Ernie gave the okay to open golf courses.
6. Borders bad. Pop-ins at strangers' houses during lockdown okay.

7. In March, inside was good, outside was bad. In June, inside bad, last-minute province-wide graduation ceremonies good.
8. Toronto is an exciting, robust city. Until you visit game 7.
9. Lecce added to Ontario's Endangered Turtles list.
10. Arthur is polling better than Doug.

Read 14 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

16 May

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford to base all emergency health measures on what he sees when driving around in his truck, what his buddies are doing and how many planes fly over his house.
2. Ford says golf not source of virus spread; post-game barley pops is.

3. Ford says Trudeau had two jobs and he's not doing either. Ford outraged, says as a result he's not able to do his one job - cross-province campaigning.
4. Dr. David Williams says Ontarians who got AZ shot will probably maybe hopefully be mostly okay.

5. Lecce says classes in September will be held at local LCBOs since all stores already have closed circuit TV installed.
6. McNaughton says Ontario university too expensive so solution is for kids to become welders and get good-paying jobs building the 403/Doug Ford Expressway.

Read 14 tweets

Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions

@mynamesnotgordy

9 May

What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. After two weeks "working 24/7" in self-isolation Doug Ford returns to work to announce he's now laser focused on his re-election 14 months away.
2. Ford says "the buck stops with me." Usually in unmarked envelopes slid under his door.

3. Kenney reveals Alberta's new Covid-fighting slogan: Stop the Spike. Kenney says other slogans considered included: Given'r to the Flu, Wranglin' the Wuhan, and Immunity: Have You Herd?
4. Kenney says as a kid who grew up in Oakville no Albertan appreciates rodeo like he does.

5. Doug Ford launches his well-oiled campaign to communicate risk at the borders by tweeting a fabricated news article. Deletes tweet after people point out to Ford Comms team that CTV isn't spelled SEE-TV.
6. Lecce demands Feds stop all international flights into public schools.

Read 14 tweets

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